I hate Anatomy

May it rot and rust in hell, may the building of our college burn to ground

Curse you

 

Aye to my thoughts

Giving up writing is like giving up breathing. And there are times when you don’t want to breathe at all. But you can’t just stop breathing if you want to.. and I can’t stop writing even if that one remote part of me might ever want to. Even if there is no one to read out there (I doubt that though =D)

It’s beautiful. That light in the heart. That tiny bubble of hope that is all yellow…That keeps you company in the loneliest of hours, keeps you going in the darkest of times. I feel that. I feel that tentative glow and I feel the smile coming on to my lips without forcing it for the sake of others. And the genuine laughter so afraid..what if the next moment I do something and this bubble of happiness bursts.. plunging me back into the venom that compels me to shun everyone who dares come closer. I don’t know. Bathed in this light my heart feels like a tiny fluttering sparrow.

But you know what..it’s just the tricks of time. Up and down and down and up.. I have been down for a while.. A little up won’t hurt…

See ya =)

 

I just can’t control my head anymore

I can’t stop it. My mind is on fire. It won’t stop writing, it won’t stop stringing all the word together and making a passage, a story out of every place I step into. Watch a movie, read a book, hum a song, my brain won’t stop. It just won’t stop

If writer’s block was like constipation.. honey I just got diarrhea

And I have this place in my building where I go when I just have no place to turn to and hide and the wind is always warm there.. I went there, played doodle jump on my cell for nearly two hours, and when I fell down after the one big high score and the sun flashed into my eyes, my brain began again. And I nearly lost it

Because.. you know what!! Some thoughts are not supposed to be thought, some feelings are not out there to be felt and there are some things one is not always ready to confess and confront. There are things to just be left aside and buried in both heart and mind but my body is so receptive to energies these days that I made fifty characters in my head and drowned ten of them and strangled another five. Three had a happy ending and rest of the stories are faaar from the finishing point

I gotta flush my brain for a while. I have stopped talking sense altogether

Love

Haibar

 

I can’t title it, man

You have no idea of the happiness in my heart, you have no idea how fragile this part of me is, how it explodes with a little amount of energy in it, how this body is a huge sink for energies. I absorb it all. Anger sadness happiness joy. And sharing all that laughter with my friends and licking that ice cream bar and all sorts of great memories clashing in my brain.. you have no idea of the light I hold within

And I am skipping. Flying with the beautiful winds, racing in the blue college bus. It’s just that true simple smile. It is just that beautiful true company, it is just people helping each other out, that’s what a conversation does to me, that is what having friends brings to me. As for now I can feel a bubble of light pulsating where my heart used to be. I sure lost it to waves ages ago, but the love I hold in that place right now… I need no pumping organ holding that symbolic essence anymore. Give me a true smile, a true gesture, a genuine conversation and true laughter, and I would heal all that ails you.

These small things just make me get up every morning and go out in the crowd. I don’t know if anyone out there considers me as a true deep friend, or whether I hold that special place in the heart or not.. they laugh at my jokes.

And I can live with spreading smiles..

 

Two years !

Now this is cool.

Two years ! It has been two years writing online, two years giving less and less time to my journal, two years since all that stuff that happened in my life that compelled me to just escape and start my life over and again! God ! It has been two years since I sat down and wrote that it was the crappiest thing I ever felt, time flies man, but it seems as if I have been here for forever and ever ey !

I met the most beautiful people here. Ever since I started blogging 8 other friends and acquaintances started doing so and not to mention the people who have kept a secret from me and either they think I don’t know or they are just waaay too insecure.. Sorry =D

Anyways. I am not going to write a big old post here. Nobody wants to know about that. Just thank yer everyone for being there for me. Although a lot of them drifted apart but..hey..change is the only permanent thing in nature. I’m beginning to understand that. So thank you Muki and Billy and Anne and Stance and Alfa and Bubbly and so many people for just being there for me.

I am sorry for everything.

And thanks everyone for reading all that I put here. Most of it is crude and unrefined. Writing is the ONLY thing I know. The only thing I can do without being afraid or being unsure about. I hope this doesn’t stop. I hope, you know, this Purple thing doesn’t get lost in all the yellow =)

I know this post is pathetic.. but well I got fever. Karmic infections, damn yoou

Love, Haibar

 

 

Karmic Infections

I am always punished for every single bad word that comes out of my mouth, a single wrong thing I do. God has put fifty angels around me that keep noting everything I say or do and baam! I get punished.

And guess what happened this time

Okay. I have a friend who devours chocolate like anything. Then there is another who is extremely superstitious about it. She thinks that chocolate causes ear pain. And I made fun of that thing for four whole days

Guess what

Fifth day, I got the most massive ear infection there was.

I have been crippled for two weeks. My ear kept ringing with pain and it kept me up at night, it kept me in a really foul mood and all crappy and grumpy. And then the antibiotics were so heavy that they literally brought me to my knees. One push and I would vomit my lunch out (now none of my friends know about that part, shh). College was hazy and I have really sensitive ears. So. Past two weeks God taught me a really good lesson. I have been banging doors, popping pills, cursing walls. Gah

Anyways ! Now that I am well and okay, I guess I better start writing, for that is the only significant thing about me. But as I was walking towards the doctor’s place and coming back down that road back to my building, it felt..strange.. I didn’t have my cell on me.. hell I didn’t even have my wallet (we med students get the check up free). Who would I call? Call and say hey look I am not okay..  Not mom.. she gets too worried. I guess I was just missing her and Dad. And as I poured the drops in my ears and gobbled up the meds, I closed my eyes and sent an apology out in the air. Let it float, let it sway, Maybe something good will come back my way.

But you know, at the end of the day as I pull the covers over me and look up and think about it all, this just shows He’s watching over me and loves me enough to teach me when I cross the lines. And He is ONE Tough Teacher

And it feels good to be loved =)

See ya

Haibar

 

“Man is least himself when he talks in his own person. Give him a mask, and he will tell you the truth.”

The boy’s gone. The boy’s gone home.

It’s a tree trunk. It’s a cut down tree trunk. It was planted by my grandma, and then two more  grew on its side. Grandma died when I was 9. Few years back they cut one tree that the storm killed. Then they cut another. And now they finally cut the main trunk as the roots were tampering with God knows what.

What will happen to a face in the crowd when it finally gets too crowded.
And will happen to the origins of sound after all the sounds have sounded
Well I hope I never have to see that day but by god I know it’s headed our way
So I better be happy now that the boy’s going home. The boy’s gone home.

And I am sitting on it, the wind is raging around me, ruffling my hair, blowing through me. I have met a lot of winds before this day. I will meet a lot afterwards. But they never stop to amaze me. They never will stop to make me think and think so deep that my feet give way. I can feel her on my face. Hard cold slaps. Once. Twice. And again.

And what becomes of a day for those who rage against it
And who will sum op the phrase for all left standing around in it

I know not the heart I have. I know not of the heart left in me. I do not know when it all started. When my imagination became my reality and when my reality turned virtual. When the solids around me went up in smoke and the air and the winds materialized around me. I do not know when it all started. I do not know what this wind wants from me now

Well I suppose we’ll all make our judgement call
We’ll walk it alone, stand up tall, then march to the fall 
So we better be happy now that we’ll all go home

I am tired. Tired to be the person I am. Tired to change into someone else. Tired to believe in things that don’t exist and feelings that don’t hold. Tired of trusting. God I am so tired of hope itself

Be so happy with the way you are
Be so happy that you made it this far
Go on be happy now. Please be happy now

Tell me what heart do I have? I wish it was big enough to engulf all the misery and anger and pain, make it disappear. Be lost into some pit and be lost forever. All it takes is a gust of wind. A broken tree trunk. And a bad word, to bring everything bubbling to the surface

But it won’t come up again. The thoughts the feelings. The trust and the depth of love. The very hope in some distant savior turned to dust and the very wind that held on to me so long is taking all those feelings away. Maybe it’s time. To stop walking with the figment of your imagination. Stop talking to friends that are not material. Because if being virtual is your truth, then better walk away from the actual. From the solid. Their reality is much perfect without. Without you

I tried to live my life and live it so well
But when it’s all over is it heaven or is it hell
I better be happy now that no one can tell, nobody knows
I’m gonna be happy with the way that I am
I’m gonna be happy with all that I stand for
I’m gonna be happy now because the boy’s going home.

The boy’s gone home.

(Lyrics: Jason Mraz’s Boy’s Gone and Title: Oscar Wilde)