May it rot and rust in hell, may the building of our college burn to ground
Giving up writing is like giving up breathing. And there are times when you don’t want to breathe at all. But you can’t just stop breathing if you want to.. and I can’t stop writing even if that one remote part of me might ever want to. Even if there is no one to read out there (I doubt that though =D)
It’s beautiful. That light in the heart. That tiny bubble of hope that is all yellow…That keeps you company in the loneliest of hours, keeps you going in the darkest of times. I feel that. I feel that tentative glow and I feel the smile coming on to my lips without forcing it for the sake of others. And the genuine laughter so afraid..what if the next moment I do something and this bubble of happiness bursts.. plunging me back into the venom that compels me to shun everyone who dares come closer. I don’t know. Bathed in this light my heart feels like a tiny fluttering sparrow.
But you know what..it’s just the tricks of time. Up and down and down and up.. I have been down for a while.. A little up won’t hurt…
See ya =)
I can’t stop it. My mind is on fire. It won’t stop writing, it won’t stop stringing all the word together and making a passage, a story out of every place I step into. Watch a movie, read a book, hum a song, my brain won’t stop. It just won’t stop
If writer’s block was like constipation.. honey I just got diarrhea
And I have this place in my building where I go when I just have no place to turn to and hide and the wind is always warm there.. I went there, played doodle jump on my cell for nearly two hours, and when I fell down after the one big high score and the sun flashed into my eyes, my brain began again. And I nearly lost it
Because.. you know what!! Some thoughts are not supposed to be thought, some feelings are not out there to be felt and there are some things one is not always ready to confess and confront. There are things to just be left aside and buried in both heart and mind but my body is so receptive to energies these days that I made fifty characters in my head and drowned ten of them and strangled another five. Three had a happy ending and rest of the stories are faaar from the finishing point
I gotta flush my brain for a while. I have stopped talking sense altogether
You have no idea of the happiness in my heart, you have no idea how fragile this part of me is, how it explodes with a little amount of energy in it, how this body is a huge sink for energies. I absorb it all. Anger sadness happiness joy. And sharing all that laughter with my friends and licking that ice cream bar and all sorts of great memories clashing in my brain.. you have no idea of the light I hold within
And I am skipping. Flying with the beautiful winds, racing in the blue college bus. It’s just that true simple smile. It is just that beautiful true company, it is just people helping each other out, that’s what a conversation does to me, that is what having friends brings to me. As for now I can feel a bubble of light pulsating where my heart used to be. I sure lost it to waves ages ago, but the love I hold in that place right now… I need no pumping organ holding that symbolic essence anymore. Give me a true smile, a true gesture, a genuine conversation and true laughter, and I would heal all that ails you.
These small things just make me get up every morning and go out in the crowd. I don’t know if anyone out there considers me as a true deep friend, or whether I hold that special place in the heart or not.. they laugh at my jokes.
And I can live with spreading smiles..
Now this is cool.
Two years ! It has been two years writing online, two years giving less and less time to my journal, two years since all that stuff that happened in my life that compelled me to just escape and start my life over and again! God ! It has been two years since I sat down and wrote that it was the crappiest thing I ever felt, time flies man, but it seems as if I have been here for forever and ever ey !
I met the most beautiful people here. Ever since I started blogging 8 other friends and acquaintances started doing so and not to mention the people who have kept a secret from me and either they think I don’t know or they are just waaay too insecure.. Sorry =D
Anyways. I am not going to write a big old post here. Nobody wants to know about that. Just thank yer everyone for being there for me. Although a lot of them drifted apart but..hey..change is the only permanent thing in nature. I’m beginning to understand that. So thank you Muki and Billy and Anne and Stance and Alfa and Bubbly and so many people for just being there for me.
I am sorry for everything.
And thanks everyone for reading all that I put here. Most of it is crude and unrefined. Writing is the ONLY thing I know. The only thing I can do without being afraid or being unsure about. I hope this doesn’t stop. I hope, you know, this Purple thing doesn’t get lost in all the yellow =)
I know this post is pathetic.. but well I got fever. Karmic infections, damn yoou
I am always punished for every single bad word that comes out of my mouth, a single wrong thing I do. God has put fifty angels around me that keep noting everything I say or do and baam! I get punished.
And guess what happened this time
Okay. I have a friend who devours chocolate like anything. Then there is another who is extremely superstitious about it. She thinks that chocolate causes ear pain. And I made fun of that thing for four whole days
Fifth day, I got the most massive ear infection there was.
I have been crippled for two weeks. My ear kept ringing with pain and it kept me up at night, it kept me in a really foul mood and all crappy and grumpy. And then the antibiotics were so heavy that they literally brought me to my knees. One push and I would vomit my lunch out (now none of my friends know about that part, shh). College was hazy and I have really sensitive ears. So. Past two weeks God taught me a really good lesson. I have been banging doors, popping pills, cursing walls. Gah
Anyways ! Now that I am well and okay, I guess I better start writing, for that is the only significant thing about me. But as I was walking towards the doctor’s place and coming back down that road back to my building, it felt..strange.. I didn’t have my cell on me.. hell I didn’t even have my wallet (we med students get the check up free). Who would I call? Call and say hey look I am not okay.. Not mom.. she gets too worried. I guess I was just missing her and Dad. And as I poured the drops in my ears and gobbled up the meds, I closed my eyes and sent an apology out in the air. Let it float, let it sway, Maybe something good will come back my way.
But you know, at the end of the day as I pull the covers over me and look up and think about it all, this just shows He’s watching over me and loves me enough to teach me when I cross the lines. And He is ONE Tough Teacher
And it feels good to be loved =)
The boy’s gone. The boy’s gone home.
It’s a tree trunk. It’s a cut down tree trunk. It was planted by my grandma, and then two more grew on its side. Grandma died when I was 9. Few years back they cut one tree that the storm killed. Then they cut another. And now they finally cut the main trunk as the roots were tampering with God knows what.
What will happen to a face in the crowd when it finally gets too crowded.
And will happen to the origins of sound after all the sounds have sounded
Well I hope I never have to see that day but by god I know it’s headed our way
So I better be happy now that the boy’s going home. The boy’s gone home.
And I am sitting on it, the wind is raging around me, ruffling my hair, blowing through me. I have met a lot of winds before this day. I will meet a lot afterwards. But they never stop to amaze me. They never will stop to make me think and think so deep that my feet give way. I can feel her on my face. Hard cold slaps. Once. Twice. And again.
And what becomes of a day for those who rage against it
And who will sum op the phrase for all left standing around in it
I know not the heart I have. I know not of the heart left in me. I do not know when it all started. When my imagination became my reality and when my reality turned virtual. When the solids around me went up in smoke and the air and the winds materialized around me. I do not know when it all started. I do not know what this wind wants from me now
Well I suppose we’ll all make our judgement call
We’ll walk it alone, stand up tall, then march to the fall
So we better be happy now that we’ll all go home
I am tired. Tired to be the person I am. Tired to change into someone else. Tired to believe in things that don’t exist and feelings that don’t hold. Tired of trusting. God I am so tired of hope itself
Be so happy with the way you are
Be so happy that you made it this far
Go on be happy now. Please be happy now
Tell me what heart do I have? I wish it was big enough to engulf all the misery and anger and pain, make it disappear. Be lost into some pit and be lost forever. All it takes is a gust of wind. A broken tree trunk. And a bad word, to bring everything bubbling to the surface
But it won’t come up again. The thoughts the feelings. The trust and the depth of love. The very hope in some distant savior turned to dust and the very wind that held on to me so long is taking all those feelings away. Maybe it’s time. To stop walking with the figment of your imagination. Stop talking to friends that are not material. Because if being virtual is your truth, then better walk away from the actual. From the solid. Their reality is much perfect without. Without you
The boy’s gone home.
There’s that moment when you feel that thing creeping up at the back of your mind, at the surface of your heart and the tip of your tongue. That urge that beautiful flow of words you know you can write down. You have been staring at blank pages and empty screen for days. Nothing to write nothing to type yet the mind and heart are full with stories and emotions. But it just doesn’t flow. The time ain’t right. The feeling isn’t exact
You sit there, in your empty room, that lone wolf you always were. Talking only in jokes and laughter. Why? Because you don’t know how to talk. And the friends you once had..don’t feel right anymore. The only channel you had was through writing but that is blocked by some strange barrier. Is is too much happiness? Is it too much sadness? Is it that pain in the arm that has been killing you for three days and nearly made you break down in class? Is it because talking suddenly has become the hardest thing in the world..?
So you look at your computer, sighing because the old companion has got old and is getting chipped off in places. An guilty feeling in the heart that it might just be time to let it go. You shut it down, lock you room, go into some other room, try relaxing with a bunch of friends, with that odd feeling that is bugging you deep down.You hang out for a while but then the jokes run out, the energy runs out, it’s too late in the night already and then there’s college tomorrow. You walk back the corridors, up the stairs. Unlock your room and get into bed. Shutting your eyes or opening them does’t matter much, it’s too dark to make out the walls
I am sitting on the stairs at my Uncle’s huge place. Feeling the light coming through the glass pane windows. I like it here. The damp smell, the empty house. Mom’s out. Sometimes I wish she didn’t have to do all the chores and I could do it for her but then.. we are two distant yet so close people. I don’t know her heart. She doesn’t know mine
After grandpa’s death last week, house is all silent and sad. Nobody told me about his death until Friday when I came from college back home and asked about him and Mom said..honey he’s dead. He had cancer, that I knew.
I remember when my grand dad died. My dadabu. And how that broke me. Through and through. He was my best pal. My mentor. One person who knew all the answers. He was old school, loved all his grandsons. Never much liked the girls. But I was the one girl in the whole family everyone said he loved. They said we were like friends. And I realized that very late..
So I am still sitting here. I won the interclass creative writing competition a week ago. And now I found out I came 2nd in the intercollege competition too. Kind of feels strange. I used to be the type that would spread happiness to the ends of the world once it came to me. I lost my cell. And then maybe nobody really needs to know.
It’s just, we all have thoughts and dreams and ideas. People and friends and foes. And sometimes it’s confusing. What to like what to love. What to hold on and What to hold tight. Turn your back on whom and let who go away. It’s a strange world and a very tricky journey..
It’s a small quiet room it’s a small quiet place. I feel good. And deep. I came back in here after a long tour across the whole building. Said hello hi to all my mates. Cracked some jokes talked some more and back to the old shack we come..
What shall I do now.. read a book? Study? Sketch? Write? Or just lie down and sleep early tonight. I met such a nice humble person today and it feels so nice. I am attracted and pulled towards people with stable energies like you wouldn’t believe. I can’t make friends and be at peace with them if the energies don’t match.. Okay.. I am rambling..
So sitting in the auditorium with tens of people walking around, all hopped up on the coming week filled with fun at college. We get only one week and it is a blast every year. Every one is doing something.. painting.. acting.. singing.. playing basketballbaseballvolleyballtennisbadmintonnetballchessdarts.. And all the literary stuff is also going on. Someone is writing poems someone is jotting down essays.. even the Urdu people are going on with the fun you wouldn’t believe.. but I am better suited with the good old English ey. And I am nothing like the jumpy thing I was at school poking my nose in everything I can lay my hands on (lol) Anyways this place just is everything except a medical college right now.. And the energy is contagious!
Anyways. I better read a book now aye, my roomie is nowhere to be seen
Dracula, here I come =P