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Pick a card, any card

 

Pick a card

So it all comes down to this. Making a choice. Getting to a decision. Turning iron heart and let that hate enter your veins again. God, it hasn’t been so long since my blood was all clean..

Three years, I have had three years now. Blogging my life away. Writing stories, making up poems, disguising my feelings into sultry words, Sometimes being brutally honest, sometimes just angrily cryptic. Then slowly dissolving away in front of the very eyes of mine and those I got acquainted with. Friends… is a very loose term indeed

I don’t know what happened. The other day I was travelling on the bus and it just hit me in the face. What is happening? How could I let my world slip away and re-form me? How could it mould me the way it wanted? Where did I slip away? Did I fall behind, Did I walk fast or am I just lost in the crowd that I don’t see anyone else anymore? Where is that faith? Where is that trust? Where is all that hope and fantasy?

Sometimes it feels as if, maybe, I am looking myself truly for the first time. Bare and solitary. Without the assorted dreams and exceptions I ever had. Things haven’t died in me to the very extent, yes, but I don’t see that soul in me, that tender thing I cherished so much. It’s all anger and the practicality hardening me inside out. Truth be told.. I don’t even mind anymore

Three years. Met two great writers and people. EMK and APB…and a few others who just stopped blogging…

I just hope someday I vanish myself. But…seriously… apart from my cynical crap.. Life’s not bad. I hope I have the courage to stick around longer before I just..go. Anyways, till then

Cheerio !

 

 
 

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Forget love, I’d rather fall in chocolate.

twinkle lights

Life’s not sad and twisted all the time. Wedged right between the dull and the bad are some pretty satisfying times in life of a loner. Happy even, if one understands what that really is. Just go to the bank, get all the credit card problem fixed. Get the other card the ATM ate last night. Come back home and after food shut the blinds, wrap yourself in a comforter and watch House Md on your pc placed on your table at just the right distance from your bed. Then switch on the soft yellow twinkle lights hanging all around in your room. Switch off your cell, and shut the door. There’s no one in the corridor to stomp around and interrupt your drama time. All the issues of the day have been resolved. There’s nothing to study for as yet. Your assignments are all done. You’re going home to meet your parents in a short while.

~Life’s good, ey !!~

 
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Posted by on March 20, 2014 in Balderdash Thoughts

 

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May the man be dammed and grow fat, the one who wears two faces under one hat

Seriously speaking, I am not a resentful person. I might not forget things but if a person talks to me in a good way once after being foul a thousand times, I reciprocate with thrice the politeness. I have changed a lot but I haven’t become a really bad person, as yet. Foul mouthed bitter straightforward wacko…yes.. but not bad. I pray that doesn’t happen (btw)

But people will not fail to amaze me. And once again I bang my head on the wall. My instincts..are always correct. My first decisions and perceptions..are always true. Believe me.. I don’t like to flatter myself but the term always is heavily applicable.

But why do I go wrong time and again?

I give them a chance
….they blow it

Double faced chance

 
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Posted by on March 15, 2014 in Balderdash Thoughts, Incidents

 

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It’s a muddled up head I have up here

If you deny or ignore something for so long it starts to feel true and gets incorporated in yourself. Just start pushing all them limits and your mind will start making excuses for you. We all justify doing what we do and then time comes..we don’t even need that call from the inside

And I’m tired and angry and tired. There are not many things left in the world that I care about and that scares me. I don’t care if my grades go down, I don’t care if my dress is stained, I don’t care if I look like an idiot in these trousers. I don’t care if there is stuff going on in college, at my place, back in my home. If I have friends if I don’t. It just doesn’t matter. I get up. Go around the world. Come back. Stair at the walls. Yada yada yada

What I do is, I don’t talk about what’s bothering me. I don’t write about what’s bothering me. And couple of days ago.. I blew at something some friend did. It crossed the limits of my tolerance. And I was at loss. Talk to whom? I didn’t wanna talk to anyone closer. I can’t. I called up my neighbour four years back and I blew up on the phone.

And all I know is lets just.. get up and go on. It doesn’t matter what I do or what I become. Being virtual is a cross I have to bear.

Afterall it was my choice

The book theif

 

 

 
 

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Mime

It’s not easy to pretend
Its hard walking your way
I got so strangely lost
Just leading you astray..

Mime

 
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Posted by on February 20, 2014 in Poems

 

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There’s a lady who’s sure all that glitters is gold And she’s buying a stairway to heaven

Alone in a Crowd

I don’t see them and yet the energies pass right through my body. They drain me, they make my mind leak. I can stand among a thousand people, attend classes with a dozen more and yet that shield of repulsiveness around me never fails to break. The few friends I have are the ones that make it bearable for me to live. I can pass on what I feel to them. Not through words, but mere gestures. And every gesture of mine has a hidden meaning in it. I don’t see you but I can look right through you. Trust me, I can’t feel your presence. There’s always a veil that separates me from everyone. And I don’t mind. It has always been like that, it’s the thought of the unveiling bareness that scares the living hell out of me. What happens if I start seeing them? What if it ends one day and the images cascade on me like waterfall and drown me? I don’t know, but I do fear it

So walking through the corridors of my college I felt like a bad sucking force somewhere from outside. I’ve never felt so small.. so..invisible. But then I am not meant to be seen, and I don’t like to be seen. I don’t like to be known. I don’t like strangers and I don’t like talking to them

And I don’t

Don’t take me wrong. I don’t mind it. I don’t like having to eat usual holiday breakfast or lunch with anyone but I sure enjoy the occasional get together and laughter. I don’t like sticking to friend like a glue but it’s nice to have company some time of the day, I am not a hermit, I am just a wacko.

We all have a ball of energies surrounding us, I don’t mean anything big or magical, just the way we carry ourself, maybe even how we think and act. Sometimes just a big shield of misconception and conceal

I know I have one. And I know how it can shun people to silence and dislike

Ciao

Haibar =)

 

Title: Stairway to Heaven by Led Zeppelin

 

 
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Posted by on February 8, 2014 in Medicine: Year 3

 

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When the water runs dry

Running dry

I cannot believe what I feel right now, I cannot explain the…joy and that bitter happiness running down my neck into my..still heart. Yes. It’s still, not fluttering like it usually does in the moment of revelation or what-not. It felt like closing a book, you know you’ve read a great book when closing it felt like losing a friend. And vice versa. Haha

It’s like beginning a new life, like breathing in morning fog or biting into a thick wad of pizza, it’s like making a great bucket in basketball from such a long distance or finding your new favourite book. Lousy examples but that’s how I feel, right now, in my cold room, with things opening up to me one by one and everything making sense at last. We all have problems, we all are alone or unhappy or bleh bleh bleh, I just found the way out I had been searching for so long

Life isn’t ever gonna be easy, but I quite like the challenges now. The satisfaction of finding light can be greater than accepting the life in darkness

AYE !

walking towards light

 

 

 
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Posted by on January 18, 2014 in Incidents

 

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