It’s not easy to pretend
Its hard walking your way
I got so strangely lost
Just leading you astray..
It’s not easy to pretend
I don’t see them and yet the energies pass right through my body. They drain me, they make my mind leak. I can stand among a thousand people, attend classes with a dozen more and yet that shield of repulsiveness around me never fails to break. The few friends I have are the ones that make it bearable for me to live. I can pass on what I feel to them. Not through words, but mere gestures. And every gesture of mine has a hidden meaning in it. I don’t see you but I can look right through you. Trust me, I can’t feel your presence. There’s always a veil that separates me from everyone. And I don’t mind. It has always been like that, it’s the thought of the unveiling bareness that scares the living hell out of me. What happens if I start seeing them? What if it ends one day and the images cascade on me like waterfall and drown me? I don’t know, but I do fear it
So walking through the corridors of my college I felt like a bad sucking force somewhere from outside. I’ve never felt so small.. so..invisible. But then I am not meant to be seen, and I don’t like to be seen. I don’t like to be known. I don’t like strangers and I don’t like talking to them
And I don’t
Don’t take me wrong. I don’t mind it. I don’t like having to eat usual holiday breakfast or lunch with anyone but I sure enjoy the occasional get together and laughter. I don’t like sticking to friend like a glue but it’s nice to have company some time of the day, I am not a hermit, I am just a wacko.
We all have a ball of energies surrounding us, I don’t mean anything big or magical, just the way we carry ourself, maybe even how we think and act. Sometimes just a big shield of misconception and conceal
I know I have one. And I know how it can shun people to silence and dislike
Title: Stairway to Heaven by Led Zeppelin
I cannot believe what I feel right now, I cannot explain the…joy and that bitter happiness running down my neck into my..still heart. Yes. It’s still, not fluttering like it usually does in the moment of revelation or what-not. It felt like closing a book, you know you’ve read a great book when closing it felt like losing a friend. And vice versa. Haha
It’s like beginning a new life, like breathing in morning fog or biting into a thick wad of pizza, it’s like making a great bucket in basketball from such a long distance or finding your new favourite book. Lousy examples but that’s how I feel, right now, in my cold room, with things opening up to me one by one and everything making sense at last. We all have problems, we all are alone or unhappy or bleh bleh bleh, I just found the way out I had been searching for so long
Life isn’t ever gonna be easy, but I quite like the challenges now. The satisfaction of finding light can be greater than accepting the life in darkness
The cold bit through my fingers as the freezing water slapped over my hands in the morning. You could hear me swear from the ground floor. Boy I was sleepy this morning. As I shoved my toothpaste and brush and soap back to its place I had this weird feeling swoop through me for an instant. Strange.
Went college, had a lousy simple day, everything was off. I couldn’t get a decent history from a patient and had to ask a friend to help me through it and cover for me. I don’t do that. Came back at night. Everything felt off. As if the lights were a little dim, traffic was a little less or bus was a little full. I don’t know
Walking back I just wanted to feel something. A little less numb, a little less bitter, a little more young and a lot more real. Nothing is wrong. Things could not be any better but it felt fake and cowardly. To go along the times just so you can breathe easily and live for a while. I wanted something to penetrate my mind. Come on. Give me an inspiration. Gimme a sign
And lo. It happened. I watched a movie I should’ve seen at least 4 years ago. I would’ve understood it, the sign came way too late and now I just talked myself through it. It’s all okay. Just because life’s gets edgy we don’t have to be the way we become. Sometimes the roads we are made to choose aren’t exactly that great, what we thought was fate might have just been an illusion. Yes, this road is gonna lead somewhere too.. but I so hope it’s worth all the falls.
Because some illusions are
It’s not everyday you get the break you just need. Whether you really deserve it,though, is subjective.
It’s like escaping into another world, far from your insecurities and troubles. Forgetting everyone and everything. People you love, people you hate. They are all there, somewhere in the blurriness of your memories but come walk a while early in the morning breathing clean air, wearing black socks and for a second even they don’t exist. It can be beautiful, ironic still though. Not to exist and then wipe out existence of all you know. It clears the head for a while. Makes you breathe as if you felt your lungs for the first time
Happiness is so overrated. Just like pain is so clichéd. It’s everywhere, it’s in everyone. As I got up from my seat and picked up my bag and started to walk down those stairs from the plane I felt my heart sinking into a pit that, though narrow, was still there. I didn’t wanna go back. I didn’t wanna exist again. I didn’t want so many to exist in my heart, mind and life again. I just didn’t wanna come back. There was peace in my heart and no pain in my mind. I have always been virtual. But it had always stung.
Peace is so overrated too by the way =_=
Anyways let’s go get some Hardees and chill, I am starving =D
I like testing people. I do it all the time. Everyday. Every other moment. Sometimes its obvious. Sometimes it’s subtle. Sometimes I get them to fail, no matter what. My test, My rules. It’s a crazy world up in my head.
Why ramble on into a huge story of what happened or what didn’t? It was such a long while ago. It was a good day, I was born. Dad Mom Sis were happy. They still are. I too am a lot happier. Crap goes on, I deal with it, Crap comes back, I hit it. People get crap in them, I get a blow. First I used to help them out of it.. now I pretty much shove it in their faces and leave.
Happy birthday to me, Happy birthday to me B-)