RSS

There’s a lady who’s sure all that glitters is gold And she’s buying a stairway to heaven

Alone in a Crowd

I don’t see them and yet the energies pass right through my body. They drain me, they make my mind leak. I can stand among a thousand people, attend classes with a dozen more and yet that shield of repulsiveness around me never fails to break. The few friends I have are the ones that make it bearable for me to live. I can pass on what I feel to them. Not through words, but mere gestures. And every gesture of mine has a hidden meaning in it. I don’t see you but I can look right through you. Trust me, I can’t feel your presence. There’s always a veil that separates me from everyone. And I don’t mind. It has always been like that, it’s the thought of the unveiling bareness that scares the living hell out of me. What happens if I start seeing them? What if it ends one day and the images cascade on me like waterfall and drown me? I don’t know, but I do fear it

So walking through the corridors of my college I felt like a bad sucking force somewhere from outside. I’ve never felt so small.. so..invisible. But then I am not meant to be seen, and I don’t like to be seen. I don’t like to be known. I don’t like strangers and I don’t like talking to them

And I don’t

Don’t take me wrong. I don’t mind it. I don’t like having to eat usual holiday breakfast or lunch with anyone but I sure enjoy the occasional get together and laughter. I don’t like sticking to friend like a glue but it’s nice to have company some time of the day, I am not a hermit, I am just a wacko.

We all have a ball of energies surrounding us, I don’t mean anything big or magical, just the way we carry ourself, maybe even how we think and act. Sometimes just a big shield of misconception and conceal

I know I have one. And I know how it can shun people to silence and dislike

Ciao

Haibar =)

 

Title: Stairway to Heaven by Led Zeppelin

 

 
2 Comments

Posted by on February 8, 2014 in Medicine: Year 3

 

Tags: , , , , , , , , ,

When the water runs dry

Running dry

I cannot believe what I feel right now, I cannot explain the…joy and that bitter happiness running down my neck into my..still heart. Yes. It’s still, not fluttering like it usually does in the moment of revelation or what-not. It felt like closing a book, you know you’ve read a great book when closing it felt like losing a friend. And vice versa. Haha

It’s like beginning a new life, like breathing in morning fog or biting into a thick wad of pizza, it’s like making a great bucket in basketball from such a long distance or finding your new favourite book. Lousy examples but that’s how I feel, right now, in my cold room, with things opening up to me one by one and everything making sense at last. We all have problems, we all are alone or unhappy or bleh bleh bleh, I just found the way out I had been searching for so long

Life isn’t ever gonna be easy, but I quite like the challenges now. The satisfaction of finding light can be greater than accepting the life in darkness

AYE !

walking towards light

 

 

 
1 Comment

Posted by on January 18, 2014 in Incidents

 

Tags: , , , , , ,

Synapses don’t really change after the 20′s, ey

Cold hands

The cold bit through my fingers as the freezing water slapped over my hands in the morning. You could hear me swear from the ground floor. Boy I was sleepy this morning. As I shoved my toothpaste and brush and soap back to its place I had this weird feeling swoop through me for an instant. Strange.

Went college, had a lousy simple day, everything was off. I couldn’t get a decent history from a patient and had to ask a friend to help me through it and cover for me. I don’t do that. Came back at night. Everything felt off. As if the lights were a little dim, traffic was a little less or bus was a little full. I don’t know

Walking back I just wanted to feel something. A little less numb, a little less bitter, a little more young and a lot more real. Nothing is wrong. Things could not be any better but it felt fake and cowardly. To go along the times just so you can breathe easily and live for a while. I wanted something to penetrate my mind. Come on. Give me an inspiration. Gimme a sign

And lo. It happened. I watched a movie I should’ve seen at least 4 years ago. I would’ve understood it, the sign came way too late and now I just talked myself through it. It’s all okay. Just because life’s gets edgy we don’t have to be the way we become. Sometimes the roads we are made to choose aren’t exactly that great, what we thought was fate might have just been an illusion. Yes, this road is gonna lead somewhere too.. but I so hope it’s worth all the falls.

Because some illusions are

Love. Haibar

Leaf flying

 
 

Tags: , , , , , , , ,

I just didn’t wanna come back

Plane

It’s not everyday you get the break you just need. Whether you really deserve it,though, is subjective.

It’s like escaping into another world, far from your insecurities and troubles. Forgetting everyone and everything. People you love, people you hate. They are all there, somewhere in the blurriness of your memories but come walk a while early in the morning breathing clean air, wearing black socks and for a second even they don’t exist. It can be beautiful, ironic still though. Not to exist and then wipe out existence of all you know. It clears the head for a while. Makes you breathe as if you felt your lungs for the first time

Happiness is so overrated. Just like pain is so clichéd. It’s everywhere, it’s in everyone. As I got up from my seat and picked up my bag and started to walk down those stairs from the plane I felt my heart sinking into a pit that, though narrow, was still there. I didn’t wanna go back. I didn’t wanna exist again. I didn’t want so many to exist in my heart, mind and life again. I just didn’t wanna come back. There was peace in my heart and no pain in my mind. I have always been virtual. But it had always stung.

Peace is so overrated too by the way =_=

Anyways let’s go get some Hardees and chill, I am starving  =D

Hardees-logo

 

 
Leave a comment

Posted by on January 8, 2014 in Incidents

 

Tags: , , , , , , , , , ,

30th November (III)

I like testing people. I do it all the time. Everyday. Every other moment. Sometimes its obvious. Sometimes it’s subtle. Sometimes I get them to fail, no matter what. My test, My rules. It’s a crazy world up in my head.

Why ramble on into a huge story of what happened or what didn’t? It was such a long while ago. It was a good day, I was born. Dad Mom Sis were happy. They still are. I too am a lot happier. Crap goes on, I deal with it, Crap comes back, I hit it. People get crap in them, I get a blow. First I used to help them out of it.. now I pretty much shove it in their faces and leave.

Happy birthday to me, Happy birthday to me B-)

Happy birthay to me

 
9 Comments

Posted by on December 8, 2013 in Incidents

 

Tags: , , , , , , , , , ,

-with no expression, and nothing to express

Staring into sunshine

It just feels…vacant. It’s like staring into the space, feeling empty and mindless. Nothing getting in. Just looking but not really seeing anything. Not feeling the soothing sun, not hearing the dancing wind. Nothing

Not sad

…just vacant

 
2 Comments

Posted by on November 25, 2013 in Few words to say

 

Tags: , , , , ,

Here’s to My 2nd crossword puzzle, and more !

crossword

When I get crazy.. I get crazy. I go after one thing like a freaking bull and I don’t give up until I am all burned out. I mean it’s with everything, a new hairstyle, a new pen, a new colour, a new dress, a new jacket, a new book series, new flavour of something I eat, even a new friend. Even an old friend breathing goodbye. I’ll go the last extent to do something that enters my head and I will do it. The sad point is nothing productive ever does, I mean if I had the same thing with studies I would’ve been a freaking genius, but no.. that’s the territory of brother procrastination. Mahalo  =D

So I was off to an old bookstore with a couple of friends the other day. I had been saving up for a while but well.. they didn’t have the Iris Murdoch set so I was really really bummed out, I had read most of the classics and the rest I won’t read. So as I was coming out of the last store, my toe screaming because my cowboy boots can be pretty stiff on that edge when I saw a worn out book lying in the corner, the big yellowing thing with CROSSWORD PUZZLES written on it. Now I stood in the alley and pondered..

Doing crosswords ain’t my thing. I do Sudoku, love code crackers, anagrams, mathematical brain teasers but I totally skip over the crossword part of the newspaper. It just ain’t my thing, it has never been, But I took a chance, while my friends were off a few yards I ran back (with my toe screaming obscenities) and purchased the book. I know the store owner ripped me way off since he had seen that devilish spark and frenzy I get into my eyes sometimes. He knew I’d buy it no matter what. Damn =/

But yo! It was mad the next day. Only Sidney and Kate were there rest everyone was home for the holidays and Kate had been on a slumber strike for 18 hours and wouldn’t wake up, So I and Sidney just went crazy and by the time we were screaming and high-fiving at the end of our first solved puzzle.. as Sidney puts it, our brains had dissolved and as I put it, the part left was being pecked at by crows

 

SO the next day Sidney wouldn’t do another puzzle with me, said she had enough last night and her brain was still recovering, the stubborn ass I am, I went into my room, heat wasn’t working so my hands were frozen, I wrapped myself up in a big blanket and completed another puzzle within two hours

Well I cheated too but well.. chalta he =D

Happy.

AYE !

HAPY AYE

 
2 Comments

Posted by on November 16, 2013 in Incidents

 

Tags: , , , , , , , , ,

 
Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 233 other followers