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The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept

Shadows in sun

It’s all going to be the same. The dark times, the low hours. Write a different story,make up different scenarios. Trust different people, love different shades. Hide, hope. Leave, stray. It’s all gonna be the same.

There’s that caution in the air. When to say what, where to what.What if she finds out,What if he found out. Don’t want him to know I’m happy, don’t want to tell her I am sad. Guard those emotions, write a hundred stories with the same basic idea and pain that the words start to seem fake and the emotions all monotonous and cliché.

Walk the same roads, eat the same food, make the same jokes, laugh the same laugh, walk the very walk and run the very track. Cry every birthday, anniversary, party, holiday. Make the same mistakes over and over again

Waiting for that tomorrow to make everything right.
Waiting for that Sun after the night
Tell me I talk vague
Hit me, I don’t see your face
Walk away in your cowardice, 
or stay in that mere shame.
You tell me I am not here
I live in a galaxy far away
I look around and see the world
And see your sigh hanging in the air
You tell me I am different and so strange
Look through my eyes, It’s all just the same
 
old man watching out the window
 
 
 
 
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Posted by on October 27, 2013 in Balderdash Thoughts, Poems

 

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Here’s to an oath

I went through my drafts and found 30 of them stories and stuff just lying unedited around there

So I yanked my hair out and made a vow

Man, it’s time to write. People will come and go. Happiness and sadness and shit is always there, but once a gift is taken away from you by Nature.. boy it never returns

To write is to breathe

Imma take some deep puffs in now !

 

 
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Posted by on October 25, 2013 in Incidents

 

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To be or not to be

thunder and clouds

“Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn’t it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life…You give them a piece of you. They didn’t ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn’t your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like ‘maybe we should be just friends’ turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It’s a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love.”

 

Neil Gaiman

 
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Posted by on September 23, 2013 in Few words to say

 

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Sebastian and Leah: Illusions

Green corridor

It is a great night, more cooler than it should be. The summers are parting and winters are headed this way. I sat in the endless corridor, with my cup of tea and a notebook in my hand. I gotta finish studying this topic by midnight. I gotta get over it by midnight

But do we keep the promises we make with ourselves, let alone keeping those we make with others.? It has become a habit of ours. Saying things we cannot do, wanting things we cannot have, holding on to things that no longer can stay, it’s the stupid nature of the impractical human. It’s just one of those things we do

So, I quickly skim through the entire thing. Close my eyes and repeat the difficult parts to myself. Slurp the tea as loudly as I can, and smile to myself as I hear the absurd sound amplified in the cold corridor. I like this place.

I can hear them sounds at the end of the passage, someone’s coming my way. I get back to my notes and start reading them again. He comes and sits by me. I haven’t seen him a long time. I heard he was busy out there, and so was I, in my own illusions, in the virtual that don’t stay

Last time I met my friend, I was burning with hatred and anger. Last time he came when I was far too weak to breakaway, far too weak to hold my head up. Too open, too vulnerable. Transparent. And now, it felt like a big wall around myself, and I was finally locked inside it, last time I had a few people who helped me pull through all the mess in my life. And now here I am and there is no one out there I could call out to. I don’t want to.

But then, things change. One changes. Yes the true essence of the heart and the soul doesn’t go, it shouldn’t go but the skin becomes hard, the armour becomes impenetrable, if you’re lucky, the hatred, the anger, the venom all fades away, because it all got flushed out too long ago. The only feeling left this time is..tireness. And  boy, I am tired..

So I wasn’t gonna sob, I wasn’t gonna cry, I wasn’t gonna find that poison and let it sting hard. There’s too much of that in the air already. So I pick up my brown cup of tea, and clink against the white one in Sebess’ hand, no matter how hard it is, there are some people who soften the blow. Their voices soothe the very fires inside. I was glad my friend was here, and that truth I was afraid to realize seeped into me slowly..

If it’s meant for you, you won’t have to beg for it…you will never have to sacrifice your dignity for your destiny.

If one was ever a true friend, the friend will stay…or else it’s all illusion.

It passes..

man and tea

Quote by Ritu Ghatourey

 
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Posted by on September 17, 2013 in Tales of Two

 

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This big heart is such a small organ

Dead leaf

I cannot tell you what it feels like. You know it, deep down and up above. The bittersweet happiness pressing upon your heart and soul. You just feel it. It’s right there. Fluttering beats and the soft light. 

Sit in the corner of a room, illuminated by the dim light of dusk out the window. It’s gonna be dark soon. Sit in that small place between the fridge and the cupboard and hug your legs, pressing them to your chest. Closer to the scared fluttering. You can hear your friends outside, laughing and shouting and you feel that jagged rhythm in your chest again. It’s bitter. The voice of the past. And it’s so soft, the whisper you hear now.

Is it the fear of happiness? Is it the scare of pain again? What is it, pressing on you so lightly, what is it, calling you so softly? 

I cannot tell you, for I may never have them words, But I know you know it

There deep down and so up above. 

 
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Posted by on September 1, 2013 in Balderdash Thoughts

 

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Back with a Bubble

 

back-to-college

I am sitting in my room again, my heart all warm and my muscles all sore. Yes it was a bad day for travelling, I went through shit today. All that time in the bus, off to college again, I had one thought roaming around in my head. Will I fit in again? Will people acknowledge me as I walk by? Had anyone, someone, missed me? These sound pathetic but then truth isn’t always heroic and nice. I felt feverish. My heart pounded thickly in my chest. Will I be okay? I don’t feel the same. I am not the same. I don’t know

But now as I rest my back against the window on my thick pillow..I feel a tiny bubble of happiness cushioning my heart. I love Bubbly. She is one of the few people who have touched my soul with their own warmth. These are the people I will do anything for. These are the people I will miss. These are the people who have the ability to wound me.

I went to her room, she got up and hugged me, and I said what I wanted to hear the most, Hey, I missed you, and I felt her hold tighten that millisecond. That millisecond I felt all the beautiful memories in my mind hitting me one by one. God.. I was really in need of a hug. And then we talked. Non stop. For two hours. College, home, politics, siblings, commercials, sports… everything. And now as I sit in my room I wish I could just preserve it all somewhere because oh, this time is gonna pass and some shit will happen to me. You see, that history book on my shelf..is always repeating itself

I also went to meet my favourite best friends.. Kate and Sidney. I like them a lot. But I fear to be a third wheel, the outsider I always am. They always laugh at my jokes and are always there when I need them. They are, without a doubt. my favourite people.

These are just ramblings, folks. My happiness ain’t complete until I spread it around. It’s like a little bird caught in my heart, it was meant to fly =)

So sleep thight. I’ll see you on the other side =P

woman in calm water

 
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Posted by on August 19, 2013 in Incidents, Medicine: Year 2

 

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What do you say?

Sunshine

It’s early morning. It’s a beautiful day. I come out quietly, moving slowly, treading carefully. My eyes are tired of the insomnia but the sleep doesn’t come so easy now a days. I lay awake thinking of the mistakes I make, rethinking strategies in my head, going back to the faint memories I relish, and by the time I barely understand my thoughts, night leaves and day comes along. So I just get up, tie my hair gone wild around me, and leave the room

I come out and sit on one of the plastic chairs lying around in the lawn. I see Jimmy breathing lightly on the ground. Maybe he couldn’t sleep either. He’s our dog. He’s my silent friend. Every now and then we sit together and stare into the air. He thinks, I think. Neither of us say anything but I can feel those thought clouds hung in the air, hovering over our heads, and then that one cloud that connects us, wonder what he’s thinking..wonder what she’s thinking…

So here I am again, sitting next to him. He stares into the air, and I do the same. I have nothing to say to you, no words to explain what I feel. So I take refuge in explaining the world around me, the blue sky, the green lawn, the gray veranda, the brown dog, my green chair, my maroon clothes, my chocolate hair, our white car. For what do you say when you don’t have them right words, what do you say when you find out that every insecurity and doubt you ever had were true, what do you say when you break a promise with fate? She made you alone, kept you alone, so do Her a favour and stop fighting a battle you can never win. She gets what’s She wants. And She always wanted you on your own.

So come on, let’s read a book. Write a poem or sketch a tree. Pick up your bag let’s go for a walk. What do you say?

 

walking away with dog

 
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Posted by on August 1, 2013 in Balderdash Thoughts

 

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