It’s a really strange thing. To feel nothing. Nothing at all. To stare with eyes that don’t see. To touch things with no feel. Not drugged. Not meditating. Not numb. Just no penetration at all. Not too hard. Just.. stuck.
I sit so. Here in my apartment, I ignore my sister asking me what I was doing. I hand her my iPod.. Just to shut her queries away. She settles on the couch in glee. And I retire to myself. I wanted to understand this new state of mind. I wasn’t curious. I had no feelings at all.
There are few people in the world who think they know themselves a lot. I happen to be one of them. Because I have that power of understanding. Not bragging but I know it to the core of my heart the powers I possess. But.. for me its a sin to use them. Powers? Wait I don’t fly or disappear or read minds.. Or summon demons. I know the person is going to act this way if you do that…then I just don’t do it. You know what the person is thinking from his actions.. why pursue him.. It’s dumb to be that way I know. But this is what I am. I know if I ask certain question in certain ways the person is gonna break down and tell it all.. Why do it.. Why use his weakness or property for yourself.. Sin aye.. For me it is a Sin.. I hate the feeling that the person acted this way because of some..’trick’ of mine.
But yes. I can make people happy. I have that ‘thing’ in me. But as I said.. It is so strange. When I picked up a greyish blue diary I knew how the colour would affect me. Sounds Bladerdash ey? Things are only as special as we make them, consider them. I chose some colours to affect me in some way.. and aye they will. I feel some amount of calm in me now. It’s a feeling right? It is strange whenever I feel stung.. Or hurt.. I lapse into this state now. Of eerie satisfaction. I am not a neurotic so yeah
Wait. I am not hurt at the moment. Then why feel so? Its like when happiness leaves you all light-headed and you feel all the energy lost from your bones. Then you sit on the sofa like me and think.. satisfied.. content
Maybe I am tired. I want to start a new life. It is right in front me. I can see it. And I have faith that I will reach there. I will. I envy my mother of her faith. It is so strong that it makes me afraid. She has faith I will reach there. So I know I will.
There are a lot of people who think they don’t know themselves. I can understand what they feel.. This state is new for me too. And I will be surprised later. For now even if my brother comes out of no where and tells me he really loves me I would be like.. What? Even if Stance hops in through the window and my cousin calls in and Anne tells me she loves Micheal Jackson I would be like… Why so serious…
So…. How long will this state stay? How long will I remain blank? Maybe till my sister gets done with music or maybe till I doze off. I will not drop off I know. I am lucky. At some point of our lives.. We all are. It’s a square world. I know that.. You smile today.. You’ll cry later. I cry today.. I’ll smile later. But sometimes our lives seem to get stuck. All so one directional. Only pain and disasters coming our ways. I believe it might just be because of our faults.. It might just be a test..Or it might just be something to strengthen our souls. The talk of Soul and Test and Life and Nature.. Sounds so offhand and primitive.. And if you think so.. Don’t blame anybody for the faults in your life.. For your failures. And if you say you are successful and still think all the spiritual stuff is non existent. Either you are too blind or either just wait and watch folks. It’ll all come back
Ah. My cell just beeped. Its my best friend. And the blankness has all just vanished. I instantly smile. And now if she tells me she started listening to Green Day.. I am so truly gonna faint. This is what I am. Happy. Aye =)