Balderdash Thoughts

Into my own

There is an empty space in the chair tonight 
Cause he don’t feel right 
There are storm clouds brewing at the back of his mind 
As he steps outside            

Here I am.. My moods swinging again.

I really got strangely scared today. I am not a calm person. I never was. I am the happy spirit or the sad soul. Never content. Never relaxed. But I sat there in my secret place in the store. With only gusts of wind blowing the sweat away. So calm. So relaxed. As if I was back in the car. As if the hard wall was a soft cushion. Listening to James Blunt’s Superstar. Breathing deep. Peace. Nothingness.

He will be twenty in a week 
But he’s old for his years 
He’s had many of those 
To confront his own fears 

But I felt so much mature.. so much sober… I knew this feeling. Every time I so truly realize something.. I feel so much older. A new persona making itself known to me. I smile so much now. But that smile is just like a secret. As if I smile into my own. Smile to myself, about things they will never know. Things I never exposed. Things I’ll never tell.

But his father’s not the man he’d like to grow up to be 
And his mother isn’t growing old gracefully 

Why Am I so calm? Why why why.. Epitome of satisfaction ey. And then my friend told me I had changed. Her words cross my brain again and I think deep. She said I was way too happier now. I carried that happiness around me like an aura. Healthy. I wish I could tell her that I was clean of filth and venom now. Lies and hypocrisy is past me. I wish I could tell it was the reason why I never became what I was all these years. No part of me is linked in any way to all that.. Being beautiful inside out was the target Lord wanted me to chase.. And I am so close to it..

There is an empty space between the lines tonight 
And it burns so bright 
And the angry silence that he throws on the floor 
Says he don’t care anymore 

And I smile again. We all live in our own assumptions. Everyone of us becomes a hypocrite once in our life. I was once. When I lied I was happy. When I faked my sadness into bright cheery healer. A big damn hypocrite. But I dissolved it all out of me. Washed it away. Stopped chasing. Started believing. Separated myself from reality and imagination. Built and wrote and drew so much that I simply stopped being myself. I smashed that bottle of venom in me. The poison did flow. Did disfigure me. But it wasn’t of so much worth. The change is permanent. I did not lose anything. I just… reformed myself. For once now I started thinking about myself…

He had money for the truth 
But love’s a lot more 
And the answer’s is not the one he was looking for 
His father’s not the man he’d like to grow up to be 
And his mother is his mother reluctantly 

Well.. ok.. It breaks.. My peace breaks now and then… Al-right.. Deliberately? No.. Mistakenly? No… We can’t change what we are can we? So why do I blame others? If a lion won’t stop roaring… Why should he expect the dog to stop barking… ?This was pretty blurred but life seems so calm now, I can’t ask Lord for more. These experiences would stay with me forever. But. please.. don’t break it now.. don’t interrupt my soul now. It took me a lot of courage to reach where I am. Just don’t try turn me down or weaken my defences.. If you can’t make me happy… Just don’t make me sad.. I am not pleading ha. It’s a request to the world around me.. But hell.. It won’t find me easy to play with again.. because here I am… Into my own.. with a lot of what I wanted.. And with everything I will need…

He says times like these I don’t want to be a superstar 
Cause reality tv killed them all in america 
Oh the sun always shines in a magazine 
Tonight can we be free to be who we really are 

14 thoughts on “Into my own”

  1. Square is the new sphere eh :) … I love rain btw! lol I just saw on your other post that you hate rain … I imagine myself taking shower in the rain when no body is there. and the joy of listening to the music of rain … the sun does not make music! :)

  2. in my experience most of the people I meet dont seem to like rain that much … I actually have met someone who almost wanted to cry when it started to rain … i was like jezz take it easy … there is nothing you can do about it. and quietly i sang to myself, let it rain, let it rain … dada da…

  3. Nicely done. The worst thing out there is being a hypocrite, stretching ur face into that wide smile wen all u want to do is to turn around cry your heart out. Its just too much. Glad that u got rid of it.
    p.s there is no harm in being happy

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