Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone

Tales of two : Just Audrey

I wasn’t going to pretend she never existed. I wasn’t going to act as if nothing had changed. I wasn’t going to try to move on. That part was gone yes.. But it will never be lost. She will remain there. She will stay. And things would never be the same. I will never be the same

You mind if I sit here?

Curt nod. I don’t care if you sit here or there or anywhere. I don’t care if you rob me off and run away. I don’t care if you are here to talk me out of my condition. She was gone and the world was still holding together.

I’m Claudia. I’m Audrey’s friend from junior school. 
She’s dead
Um.. I heard. I am sorry

Sorry? Oh yes I was sorry too. Sorry that I never bought her a pizza myself… something she used to taunt me every Friday. Sorry I never answered so many texts. Sorry I was not there when she breathed her last. I was sorry. So sorry.

Did she.. did she still play tennis?
Nay. She gave up when she sprained her ankle last year.
She used to look hilarious.. Jumping up and down like a moron.
Haha I know… we all used to make fun of that.
I heard you were her best friend?
Na.. I could never be one..

I swallowed. Yes, I could never be her best… I never woke up all night on phone to give her company. I never sat with her the way she did… Absorbing all my misery from me.. Absorbing my sorrow. No I could never be like her. I could not lighten up an environment with a simple smile, by a simple comment. I could never give up my happiness for someone else’s. I could never brag like her. Laugh like her. Conceal like her.

I came here yesterday and was hoping to meet her, then I just asked from the office and they well told me uh..
You were her friend in the junior school.. why meet her now..
She was my friend ever since she saved me from a detention. Just came along here.. and I remembered the girl who used to have a clash with the maths teacher. She is not the kind of person you forget easily…
I know.. I know..

Ironical.. So ironical.. Dipped in grief I am quoting Wordsworth.. I can hear her voice in me. Reading the poem gravely. Then I had just plugged my ears and had babbled. But now I understand.. She knew it then..

She dwelt among the untrodden ways
Beside the springs of Dove,
A Maid whom there were none to praise
And very few to love:
A violet by a mossy stone
 Half hidden from the eye!
–Fair as a star, when only one Is shining in the sky.
She lived unknown, and few could know
When Lucy ceased to be;
But she is in her grave, and, oh,
The difference to me!

People come and go. Yes. Nobody is bound to us forever. But some people just.. stay in our memories for ages..maybe throughout our life. They might not be with us for a long time… they might not be the best people in the world but it is that gravity of their persona keeping them alive. Everybody is bound to vanish one day, either from the periphery of our imagination or from the essence of our memories. It is the rule of Nature. Nothing is to stay forever. Nothing gold can stay…

It is her now. I never thought I’ll lose her like this. I loved her like my sister… she loved me like her brother. And now she’s gone. She’ll never call again.. Bickering about her exam. She’ll never lecture me to work. She’ll never pout and roll her eyes.. waiting for me to apologize.. She’ll never send an offline again… It was over. I wish she had once… for once told me she had little time left.

The girl left me sitting there.. and I was grateful. I wanted to be left alone. I wanted to tell Audrey I was alone. I will always be lonely now. I wish I had told her once that I loved her. But she knew it I know… She had left me her diaries.. Her last one clutched in my hand. I was her umbrella. I was her guardian angel she said…

I’ll always look up at her. It was the life she lived. A life full of sacrifices and love. She had given it all. She had made a place in hearts of so many people. And there were many who hated her. I had always been the one lurking behind.. She went on.. I hurt her a lot. She had been hurt enough. But she meant a lot to me… ha now I confess… I wish she had a life. A better one. I used to taunt her about godfather and godmother thing and she used to bounce like a kid. Oh gosh.. I can see her so clearly…

I clutched the diary even harder.. Someday when I get stronger.. I’ll open it. But at the moment. It was all pain. It was all torture. Without my healer.. I was pieces. I was jagged. The lamp had shattered. And Oh The light was lost….

6 thoughts on “Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone

  1. Nice work! iLike! … there is a saying in my language Amharic, behj yeyazut worq, kemedab yiqoteral: a gold on the palms of your hands is just copper until you lose it–i.e., you only realize its gold-ness when it’s gone.

    • I could not find any link but hey read this :

      The day will come when you will cease to know,
      The heart will cease to tell you; sadder yet,
      Tho you say o’er and o’er what you once knew,
      You will forget, you will forget.

      There is no memory for what is true,
      The heart once silent. Well may you regret
      Cry out upon it, that you have known all
      But to forget, but to forget.

      Blame no one but yourself for this, lost soul!
      I feared it would be so that day we met
      Long since, and you were changed.
      And I said then,
      He will forget, he will forget.

      Robert Frost (Warning)

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