I was sitting under the tree. It much too hot outside. I was hiding myself in my skirt, arms wound tightly against my legs. I wanted to run away. Run away from the hatred that was eating me up. Run away from the feelings of revenge. Of paying them all back for their lies. I was never this way. This wasn’t me. Go away Go away. Leave, whoever you are. I had soaked my skirt now. But I will wash myself away today. I will I will I will.
”I think you tried to that ages ago”
I looked up and saw my friend crouching over me. I knew he would come. He always found me wherever I was. I buried myself again
“It’s coming back, I don’t wanna fight with myself. I did something I never wanted to do. Why do they have to do it.. What did I do man? Now I am doing what I don’t wanna do.. I am taking rash actions. I am crying… I am crying again’
“Look at that scar on your arm.. whenever you shake hands with someone… That’s what they see first. They all look at your cracks. No matter how strong you are… No matter how strong you’ become…you’ll show up with your cracks very soon”
“I don’t understand”
He chuckled. And sat right by me on the ground. I usually rested my head on his shoulder.. But today my head was resting upon my knees. We sat in silence. Sun was still high. Scorching hot. My bike was out in the heat. I was sweating. And I did not care. I hated the world around me. I hated myself for the first time in my life. It was too excruciating. I was at peace. They had to break it.. how can I be happy… Happiness is not for me… Liars.. Hypocrites.
“Have you never been a hypocrite?”
“Yeah I have been. When I said I was happy. When I said I could hate. When I said I never cared… I WAS A DAMN HYPOCRITE”
“And you called Desdemona an idiot”
Tear soaked I looked at him. He was impossible. “Yeah… I know. I should never have. Desdemona was killed by Othello… A sheer price for her love. I called her stupid because she was far too sensitive, she was blind to what was happening”
“Aren’t you blind still?”
“Thanks a lot for pointing that out. Leave Sebess”
She was crazy. I knew her. She would say get out a million times now. But it never helps to over think stuff. It will never help to blame yourself or others for faults. It never helps to make resolutions. At least for me it never did. I had walked long to come here, but I knew I would find her. This big tree was her refuge. And she was bonded to it. I never understood the fact that she was always caressing the bark. But the pain was unnecessary. Unwanted. We have to subdue the demons of our thoughts to move on. I had. And so had she. But the devil never rests… Its his nature.. He will attack the moment he finds a shred of weakness.. And she was weak…. Much too weak…
Yeah here he is. Acting so cool. As if he doesn’t know anything. As if he wasn’t there when I was thrown out of my house. As if he wasn’t there when my family died in the crash. As if he wasn’t there when everything broke. He had been there all along. And still still he says.. It’s the same everywhere. We can never judge anybody’s pain. We can never review. We can never comment. We can never understand the intensity of situations the other person went through.. We shouldn’t even dare…But we.. in our marble homes and furnished lives…
“Leah.. I am tired of making you understand the reality. I have tried so hard to make you see sense. How long will you run from the truth? Leah look at me. Leah”
“Fault? Your fault?! From the beginning it has been you and only you making mistakes. But it’s all over. Everything is lost. You have to accept it. You have to live with it”
“I am a kid… they had to break a kid..”
“Leah.. oh my..This world doesn’t work our way, the meaning of love and care… They have changed and you cannot expect everyone to follow your virtues. Look around, Everything had changed. These values aren’t what they are shown as. The hearts are hollow the brains are dead.. The souls… ha.. long lost..”
“I don’t know.. I don’t know what to do. I am tired. Tired of touching myself every night. I am scared to believe again, And every expression I exhibit, every emotion I let free gets lost. My sorrow is cherished… I wanna run away Sebess. I wanna run away”
“Cut those strings.. The ones that connect you to them. They have been long loosened. It won’t hurt much. Believe me. The ones that once bonded you, once connected you have become nothing more than puppet strands.”
“But they are there! That makes me stay. They are the ones that make me think.. It might not be over… It might not be over…”
“They are there? Give a tug honey and it’ll all be clear”
No, no. I could not do so. I could not breakaway. True, there was nothing left to hold on .. Except if I kept on believing in words and feelings that were long gone. Throughout my life I’ll stay in this stage of to be or not to be. It’ll eat me up. And I’ll let it. Oh Lord help me. Help me. I am lost. I am sorry for defying you and the gifts you gave me. I have disintegrated now and every second of it kills me because I don’t want to express my sorrow.. It gives many deep immortal pleasure.. I… I
Between the sobs Sebess gathered me and hugged me real tight. As if he was putting my pieces back together, giving them the shape I had lost long ago. My eyes started to flow wildly, as if a tsunami had broken free from the holds of my weak eyes. It was much too strong, I felt the force strike my eyes as I rubbed them over his shoulder. I could feel the intensity of his feelings crossing the barrier and entering me. I finally understood what he was trying to make me realize.
“Let it go.. Leah.. cut the strings.. Do it yourself… Nobody is going to help you out of it, Nobody is going to relieve you from the pain, Nobody will take the blame for your sake, It’s going to happen one day. End it now Leah, My friend end it now”
I sobbed and hiccupped. I knew what he meant. Once I go on, I’ll lose so much. I’ll lose the ability to trust, love and care. Nobody will know what I was, and when I ceased to be. It’ll be over. I might be free. I might be free.
Leah got up from the seat as the train came to a halt, boarded in and stood in a far corner. The tree, the bike, nothing was to be seen. Now that the strings were cut, she doubted they would ever find her again. But aye, no one would try