Incidents

Through the Looking Glass

This time her mind is made up 
Yeah, she’s moving on 
Tonight her spirit’s crushed 
It’s ’cause she don’t belong 

I had just packed my bag and rushed out into the passage, It was deserted as everyone was off to the institution gates to skip back home after a long day. As I stood there, calling home, I saw a girl. Stumbling. She was walking slowly and in such a resigned manner that I stood and just watched her. She was taking deep breaths and then slumped on the stone bench, rested against the wall and closed her eyes.

Maybe she thinks too much 
She thinks she’s given enough 
Only now they’ll know she’s got a heart of gold 

I was stoned. Something just held me to the ground. She was so absorbed in herself she didn’t see me standing a yard away. Sorrow was emanating from her and I could feel her bathed in blue and yellow. It was disbelief, regret, helplessness. Pain. Lord she was in pain.

Always looking for love 
She’s beginning to think she’s cursed 
On her looks she judged 
By the folks at work 

I knew what would happen next. She was staring at her hands. Empty. Then she just put them to her face and started sobbing in them. I felt like a damned statue, I wanted to go to her, sit there. If not to hug or help..or talk… just to sit by her. Someone was in pain right in front of me and I couldn’t even move. I felt like a crippled person, my soul was throbbing

She don’t care for fashion and fame 
Those kind of people they are all the same 
One day they’ll know, she’s got a heart of gold 

What had happened? Had she lost someone closer? Had she lost her Dad? Had she lost her Brother? Had she seen someone die? Did someone break her heart? Crushed her soul? Don’t cry. Please. Don’t. It’ll be ok. I have never seen such intensity of pain with these eyes of mine. Did someone lie to you? Or you found out something more bitter than anything you ever knew?

And she sings, I want to know what love is 
But it seems to come with so much pain 
If no one wants to show me 
It seems easier just to run away 
When I am gone it’s just a penny for my soul 
But God he knows, I got a heart of gold 
 

It crushed me to see her wipe those tears away with so much force. I could feel her heart breaking right in me. Or maybe she was far too much broken already. Maybe the pain I was witnessing was nothing compared to what she might have felt before. I don’t know her. I’ll never know her. She’ll part away as a stranger. I’ll never find out what made her clutch the bench so hard. Just like I do when in pain. But all I ever felt was physical. Her sorrow was engraving itself to her soul. I know it… I have felt it.

Been coming ’round here 
Since she’s a little girl 
But now the change is clear 
We live in a cynical world 

And things stick to me to the very end. When I am smiling and laughing and jumping around, someone somewhere in the world would be dying.. someone might be caught in a whirl of grief and pain. And now I have seen one person with so much suffering that I will keep it in my heart forever. And she sat there, sobbing into her hands for so long. I lost track of time. I did not care. All I knew was that someone is in agony, Such great agony, All was despair. All was torture.

She don’t care for fashion and fame, no 
Those kind of people they are all the same 
They don’t wanna know, she’s got a heart of gold 

I have never judged people ever in my life, I believe that I can never hold that position. But today I was evaluating her. Because she was like a light I was watching through a prism. I knew her by the spectrum I saw in her. It was blue. It was yellow. It was black. It was lavender aye. Her agony was caused by revelation. She found out something. And she could not break away. It was lavender. The colour I associate myself with. There were colours I never understood. New. Pulsating. I don’t know, my eyes welled up with tears and I blinked hard. I could not take it anymore. I just walked ahead, each step weighing pounds, as if someone had clutched my heart and was squeezing it. Tonight I’ll pray for her. And I wish I never see her again. I’ll never pass that passage again. I will never pass that class again. She reminded me of someone I know.. I have seen this pain before…

And I writhe in a pain not my own…

And she sings, I want to know what love is 
But it seems to come with so much pain 
If no one wants to show me 
It seems easier just to run away 
When I am gone it’s just a penny for my soul 
But God he knows, I got a heart of gold 

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7 thoughts on “Through the Looking Glass”

  1. wow, such an intense piece. I couldn’t wait to finish, but I had to … it wouldn’t be fair, otherwise. It is nice, so well written….I am mad at the observer, I expected him/her to go and talk to the girl, I am felt so sympathetic to the poor girl … and so many other emotions I just couldnt control. You write well, dear, keep at it!

  2. I think no matter how difficult it may seem, it is important to reach out people at such critical moment… it is better to be rejected after we approach them than to go home and pray that they will be okay… you never know, you could be saving a person that thinks there is no one for her that can share her suffering, and so ending her life is the only available solution… so when you volunteer to b a friend just for that instant (or who knows it could outlast your other friendships), though she may build a defensive wall in the beginning, I am sure she will eventually appreciate the gesture that people, even strangers, do actually care and may reconsider her decision!

    1. Frown
      That’s one great thought… but sometimes its better to heal yourself.. to struggle out through this hell of a life on one’s own, but yes.. a shoulder is what many of us yearn for. But aye, this place is cruel…

  3. Give me not a frown, give moi a smile, a sunshine :)

    I agree with you, sometimes it may be better to let ppl figure things out on their own. But sometimes, yes sometimes, it may be better to step in and give a bear hug or do something that will make the other that he or she is not alone at all…we are social animals, aren’t we? :)

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