It is just one of those feelings I have

Peace has its own forms. Love has its own states. Understanding comes in many varieties and realization… is of many strains…

I don’t know.. what sitting on the back seat of a car does to me. I have no idea. It just makes me something so deep and so sober. Even happy.. I may have cried sitting back there. But the tears would’ve been of realization or understanding. Never regret. Seldom pain. Travelling brings out so much in me.. Or maybe because I have time to sit back and think. Receding into my own.. Somewhere in the corner of my mind. Somewhere deep in my purple heart.

And here again. I sit. And I sit. Legs so comfortably resting (mind you I am very tall). And my brain is back on its old track. Thoughts, memories, stories, imagination. All cropping up and muddling. But the better thing is that life is so new now. Life is so changed. There are new memories to think of. There are newer people to ponder on. Thoughts are new. It is a newer me. It is a happier me. It is the crazier me.. It is the healed me.

I look as the places well-known and paths well-travelled zoom past me. I have been travelling here and back for a decade or so. This is where I belong. This is what home is like. Maybe.

The best part is as I close my eyes and think I know I am so loved so deeply. The place I am heading to is milling with people who adore me. Who consider me as a part of their lives. People I have grown up with. I maybe know them. Maybe I don’t.. but all I know is that I have seeing these eyes for a long time in my life. I just love them..

I’ll go, shake hand with my kids. They’ll grab my pc and demand the stuff brought for them. Elder cousins will ask me about my studies and show me their dresses ( I’m a girl mind you) Elder boys who used to play football and volleyball and because of my pathetic fielding put me as the cricket Umpire.. will smile and nod at me and move away. Because we are grown ups. Because they are stuck up guys and I am an egoistic girl.. Bam they have forgotten how cute I used to be with them. Planning attacks and pranks. But they had to become sick guys and I know how many of them have a BIG time crush on me… Lol the problem is that they have never met anybody quite like me… Nor have you (mind you)

I can talk all day. My cousin handed me a half-eaten packet of Lays. I do the same by the way. I smile at him and jest him of being a big time idiot-brother. He answers back and I frown and stick my tongue out. I am all pink. I am all blue. I feel yellow and I feel brown. Before I slip further away into these muddy thoughts I thank my God for so much. I don’t know who’s prayers are being heard. You know.. I am not supposed to be happy..

Never mind =)

 

A thing is not necessarily true because a man dies for it

It is a strange day. It is a stranger me. The thoughts, the feelings the perceptions are all new.. And all so strange.

I lie here, oh yes I do. On a soft bed under a soft quilt. Head resting on a soft pillow. Every part of my body pains. There are places of unknown anatomy that pulsate with known pain. My hands burn. My breath is shallow. Every breath I intake feels like hitting my lungs hard. It is so strange. So far away

I don’t care. About anything, about anyone. I am sighing these deep sighs. My eyes are dry. And I am so broken. So broken.. Lord every part of me has fallen apart. And the pieces that stick to me are nothing but jagged shards. Piercing me in places unknown

Hope.. yes.. I hope it all ends today. I have no curiosity no want to go ahead. People say there is a lot I have to see. There is a lot to come. I know that speech by heart. I have been making it to different people at different times. But no.. I don’t want to go on. I have seen enough. My soul is full of all the experiences. Body is weak. Heart won’t take more

Watching the eerie, unbelievingly white and clean ceiling. Watching through eyes so tired, so groggy. I lie here, breathing in rich medicine scented hospital air. I have loved, I have met lots of people. Made friends made foes. Lost people found people. Broke got up. Got practical got emotional.. I just wanna go home now.. I am content of all I ever saw of what ever happened… But now after all I went through. All I saw and All I felt. I don’t want to be wasted anymore. It is just plain refusal to fight anymore. It is just plain defeat of a soul that isn’t blue anymore…

(title: Quote by Oscar Wilde)

Yet each man kills the thing he loves..

Yet each man kills the thing he loves,
By each let this be heard,
Some do it with a bitter look,
Some with a flattering word.
The coward does it with a kiss,
The brave man with a sword!

~ Oscar Wide

An immature got hold of paints. There were colours he never saw and shades he had never seen in his poor, small life. They were right in front of him, all set on the long table. Right there, he just had to grab them

And he did not resist, resist the temptation to tamper with the things he had never been acquainted with, enter into something strange.. new.. dangerous. The desire was much too great. For once here, I could never blame him

And he did. Opened the plastic tubes and held the tray in his hand. Squeezed them brutally, eyes frantic with crazed light. He did not care, He had no idea nor the simple notion. But I saw what he did to those colours. I saw what he did. I saw the colours rising and falling and dying. I saw it all

I crashed on the floor, waves entering my brain.The books the daffodils from my hands fell on the floor. It was as if the vibrations will split my head apart. There was thunder, I was engulfed in lightening. As if someone had connected me to one end of the terminal and I was thrashing as the current leashed its way through me. I never understood what happened. What really happened. Whether he played with colours or it was really me.

Far from his view I had collapsed on the hard floor, flailing and thrashing. I clutched my head and screamed. He never listened. He had gone too far, he was deaf dumb and blind to everything but what he was doing. There was no coming back for him. Not, for me, either

I beckoned him to stop. Screamed at the torture he was putting me in. As his hand flew across the canvas, fresh waves of pain and agony threatened to rip my body apart. If only he coud stop. If only he would leave some colours to breathe. If only he could stop moving. If only he could stop touching them all. Touching me so brutally
I don’t know whether he ever stopped. Whether he ever was done with his freedom and his desire. All I know is I died in my own painting room. All I know is I died amidst something soft and yellow

Well I do sketch, at times

I think it is time to relate few stories or time I am spending at my Uncle’s and around. Feel good. Feel great

I have been drawing and sketching a lot. And a lot means a lot. Drawing all sorts of mythical creatures.. Phoenix, dragons, Unicorns blah blah blah. Feel so good. And when I draw my little buddies come around me and I love when they go all like, what’s this Sis? Sis will you make one for me? I’ll put in my room! Oh gosh I love my cousins

So.. You won’t mind if I show ya some will ya?

Then I made

Uh then

Last but not the least

Used a black pointer.

That’s it for my connection folks!!!! See ya around!!

I Could give it All to Time

I’ve said once. I’ve said it a hundred times. Nothing clears your head like cool or cold pure wind. Nothing boosts you up like a hearty breakfast. Nothing gets you going like a hot cup of tea. Nothing frees you like home-alone. Nothing soothes your soul like the smell of woodfire…

And what if you get all of it in a single day? I sit disgruntled. Angry at some so-and-so stuff. Nerves taut. Suddenly The wind is out there. Someone has started woodfire to cook-or-what next door. I had the best breakfast and the most awesome cup of tea today. And yeah.. I’m all alone at home.

So I slump on the couch and absorb the surroundings.

Today’s to being normal..
Happy. Aye =)

(Title : Poem by Robert Frost)

A bubble went pop..

At last I got a moment for myself, cousins working on their tests. Mom and the rest out for dinner and I with a borrowed usb.

I was jumping, bobbing up and down on my heels. A long travel tale already formulated in my mind. Buzzed my pc start, hit the e-mails. One glance, there pops my bubble

Who misses me? None

My inbox was flowing with all sorts of mails and notifications. They don’t matter. So what if some so and so commented on some so and so I wrote some while ago. Not even one stinking mail from a friend. Not even Stance. No one. I think it’s time I restrict my care and my.. what shall I say.. devotion?

I.. think of my friends all the time. ALL the time.. and honestly speaking if I care for you.. I will and so completely will show. If a friend goes on with you, you don’t turn your back because you are bored or uncertain of your feelings, it’s a friend, my folks. And it is just a friend required

Everything just.. pops. As if I was unaware of a hole and my enthusiasm just leaked through it, I oblivious to the fact sat there. In front of this rectangular screen, feeling utterly and thoroughly defeated. All that happiness I felt today all that energy to tell my friends all the story about the hills the mountains the tiring journey and the most handsome people I saw.. All lost. All gone. Maybe someday when I get the spark of joy from somewhere.. I’ll reconstruct the scenario.

The best line of the journey that came into my mind while hearing Time of Your Life on the bus was “What can be better than slumping on a comfy seat, listening to your favourite music and talking to your best friend in the world?” Nothing my folks. Maybe nothing…

Just as I bid my pc sleep, I remembered few lines from a book and sighed. My friends love me because of what I am.. I have to learn to love them as what they are. Not what I want them to be. I can’t expect the world to run my way.. I never do.. The exceptions.. ouch they have always hurt

It’s just. Huh. I have nothing to say. Just I’ll retire to my bed and rethink how I act. It might be another week till I get a decent connection. With the feeling I encountered today.. I don’t care even if it take months…

Definition of Balderdash, At your service

Oh I’ve got nothing to say

Nothing at all

Then why am I typing.. Nobody out there is waiting to read the crap I put here

Yes. I am disgruntled because I am helpless. Annoyed because I am disappointed. Irritated because I have nothing to say. Nothing to do. I should rename the blog from the Positive sign to a No-sign-whatsoever-so-get-the-hell-outta-here. Why do things stick to us so bad? Why can’t we just let things GO. Let them BE. I am so thoroughly huffed up. And when after my prayers my fluent tongue is out to curse I bite it back. Ok, let’s not be falsely modest things slip yeah but I try my level best to keep it mild. Wish world had a reset button. Or I had super powers so I could screw the hell outta people who have no regard for my feelings. Now you so clearly know I do have nothing to say I am just typing to keep my mind from straying and my tongue from getting real rash.. God I am so vulnerable

That’s it. I am done. The world can fall to pieces and I swear I don’t-give-a-damn. A nuclear war may start and all I am gonna do is bury my diaries (which I don’t write anymore, dang the blog) I am not gonna even care apologizing or saying those melodramatic “Goodbyes” and I have no one to hug farewell. One or two, maybe

Well. Sometimes we amaze ourselves. Ironic. The girl who would take a bullet for the people she loved is actually out to shoot them right now

It’ll pass yeah, Plus I have a big trip on in my plate. Plus I hate my new haircut. God I should bury myself now..

See ya,

Haibar

Plus if you have something that annoys you or has irritated ya lately, My comments section is at yer service. Blah

 

 

Here I am, Once again

Watching Princess Mononoke for the fiftieth time. It’s time to think back. Think back again. Time to understand again. How old am I? Traditionally 109 and technically a defeated teenager. I don’t wanna lose anymore. A typical human. The orthodox girl. Underestimated, forgotten, neglected and left behind.

We all have beliefs. We live our lives according to them. And half of them are made up. I believe I lose every single person and thing I talk a lot about. I find a friend, I’ll tell the whole Universe. A week later I find out it was an illusion. Lol. Happy as anything. Spreading it aloud like being paid to do so. One bad response. It’s over.. =) So I’m gonna talk about my pain a lot, hoping it fades away or… loses the intensity =)

Does love fade away? Can a god turn into a demon? Can a truly good person ever be bad? Can we deliberately hurt people we so genuinely loved? Can love ever turn into hatred? Do true friends leave you when they are needed? Am I just a thankless git….

The worst you can do to me is take my friends away. As I said. It’s only the friendship I cherish. I draw a circle around me. Once I have all I want, I’ll refuse to let it open for anybody. You give me your happiness I’ll make it double. You give me love I’ll return it multiplied a hundredfold. You give me pain and bluntness. I’ll hold it in and destroy myself. Even more, I’ll write a blog on you.

I just did =D

( I would’ve talked about the movie but that a) would’ve spoiled the fun b) make you snigger at me as I am a huge anime fan.. 109 and still =P )

 

Written on August 18 2011

And I do have a distant friend

I have said a lot about wind, talked ample about her. Every thing I create, everything I feel, There has to be wind. There has to be something having even the remote relationship to her. To My friend who whispers through it

And I am back again, to pursue the topic. I get up early the other day, go upstairs to unlock the doors. Instead I open and step onto the roof of a house my dad grew up in. It is so cool, so much better than the sweltering suffocation downstairs. I just step out and shrug my shoulders. It feels cold, dressed up in the worn out clothes I am. Who cares

I look around, making sure nobody is up on their rooftop. I sit, so nicely shielded, on a raised step. I think about nothing. Nothing at all. All the crap I will be going through all that has been happening blah blah part of life so what. My eyes are wide, twice their ‘usual’. The oil well of a face is cool. I raise my face to the air and close my eyes. Five minutes or three. She is there

I feel like a gypsy now. Wind unhinging every pore of my body exposed. Skin of the neck and the face tingle as she brushes past. I wanna fly away with it. I want to move away, see what she sees, go where she goes. If I let these thoughts lead me all over I might one day go away after it, with it. But aye. I always say..Love doesn’t bring you to disgrace. Love doesn’t lead you astray.. . It’s not love when you do

I feel intact, I am not slipping away. Not going mad. Not going crazy. Just held to the ground. Held to the cement floor and feeling cold. Cold isn’t bad. For now. These are the times when I feel privileged. I thank God for feeling what everyone cannot. I humble meagre human I may be and I so truly am. Under the eyelids all I see is frost. White frosty colour clings to my mind at the time. She brushes me again and I bury my face in my hands, away from her. She still strikes my hands, as if gently pulling them away.

This is all in my head, there is nothing significant about frost colour, there is no wind waiting for me. There is no monster and no saviour. There is no Jacob there is no Ian. There is no Conor and no Audrey. No Sebastian and.. ha no Leah. There is.. no Eustachia.. aye

But I can hear her, feel her around. I can see the colours. I know the monster, There is Jacob. Ian has died. Conor is in pain. Audrey does watch over him. Sebastian will find Leah. Leah will board the train everyday. I can feel Eustachia. I so severely do

I smile, And face the wind again. If I let go these metaphors these images. A lot of me will cease to be. I don’t merge imagination and reality. So for now I look at the heavens and make images in the clouds. I am just a normal person. Just someone lost in a crowd. Things are only as real as we consider them to be. Savvy =P

Starting from my table.. Straight into my Brain

I really have to write something down, given that either my friends are asleep, or way too tensed. Why? Yeah let’s write leave that

I love scene descriptions. I love watching things as they are and explaining them with a somewhat sober manner..Then entering into some state of mind. And I am not commenting on my Adjectives; Never been a great grammar student

Well. I am sitting on my chair. It is soft, maroon. A comfy office chair, bought by my Uncle in grade 9. I look around in my room, all brown. Everything is brown, Dark chocolate colour except for the Library and Carpet.. which happens to be caramel

My desk is littered with things from the skies above and soils beneath, wrappings from the new printer cartridges I (finally) got installed, wires coming from a hundred godforsaken sockets and pages flying all over the place. That’s right, I scatter more than I study

I see a small calender lying right in front of me, right next to a picture of me and my family, it has a big caption, right next to the Heading of September 2011, Bold letters saying SCREAM!!!! And explain my condition every time I look at the date 13 highlighted with blood-red. The date of the great Test… Or the date for the Gallows. Snap. Get out of my sight.

Let’s swing the chair around and see what’s behind, A medium bed. Hardly ever slept on. The mattress is excellent for people with bent spines, because I couldn’t look at my feet or bend down an inch since my last nap in here. Yup, I am usually and absolutely found snoring in the hall.

There is this huge ancient dressing table. Mum’s possessions. Oh God I hate it.. And all you could see up will be a moisturizer, some deodorant, some vaseline, a box full of all the tid bids my cousins ever gave me and of course, A giant bottle of some air freshener. Not to forget a hairbrush with stray hairs. If you look closely, you can spot the blue ball pen I lost yesterday. Darn it

I have two bins in my room. A tiny show piece and a huge real one hidden under my table. Both of them, have never been seen empty. You’ll find Cornetto and Lays wrappers along with the discarded study time tables and stick notes that won’t stick now..

Well. let’s get over with the balderdash. I have been both angry, content and laughing this week.. I mean.. what.. the most hilarious thing is to watch hypocrites and liars talk about virtues.. Your secrets and stuff? disembowelled, Your dignity? Stomped and humiliated.. Now we talk about virtue.. owww. My mouth is full with disgust and venom. People.. Be what you say. Be a man/woman/child of your words. I don’t believe in indirect approach. But you know.. a time comes when we just don’t care…

If you love someone.. love.. hate someone.. try not to but ok go on with the dislike… Left someone? Oh Baba just let go now! Nobody is dying for anybody.. People fall they get up fall again and eventually this may take time but they learn how to walk ahead and walk past. I don’t know how you can live knowing how much your actions affected someone. I mean if I talk about myself.. I never called anyone from my dead and wretched past.. Want to stick around.. I gave a chance.. Don’t make my life hell! Just.. leave.. me.. alone!

Whenever people fall.. like I did.. They say.. the same old thing. ‘I will create a new life, I will start over’ I said that too.. and I did that. I accomplished it all. Change is the only permanent thing in nature and as my potato friend said that no matter what.. we have to be ready to LET GO

It is not debatable. Life is different for every single one of us. Some of us are ahead some are behind in the long run. But you know what.. you have to make it! Walk through the roads less travelled by or elbow through the crowds! Chose what you want, see what you need. We never really get to make choices.. but dammit we have to live here!

And as for myself? I have all I need, with my God above and friends beneath. With my folks and my family… I don’t miss anything I once had, anything I once might have been. I cherish what I have become and guys …. have your own life. May Karma ******* you up

Pardon. Really. I don’t care

May Allah give us all the power to move on with faith.. Call Him any of the words you have chosen to.. But you know what my Lord.. You put me on right path… And help me through the storms till the end now.. Healed I may be, sensible I may have become.. I just don’t have that love to give anymore… Goodnight =) Meow