I been a long time leaving but I’m going to be a long time gone

Billy’s leaving today (don’t know where he’s going).
Holds his head in disgrace (he can’t escape the truth).
He knows the price that he’s paid.
He admits that it’s too late to admit that he’s afraid.

Alright. It’s 6:30 am here. And I am all packed. There are all kinds of feelings and thoughts mingling with the sleep that’s heavily laid on my eyes. Arms hurt. Stomach’s in discomfort. It’s there. Life as I know it

Tomorrow comes. Sorrow becomes his soul mate.
The damage is done. The prodigal son is too late.
Old doors are closed but he’s always open,
To relive time in his mind.
Oh Billy…

It is silly how I can face anything if I block my emotions, overcome anything my giving myself justifications. The mind, oh later questions, the heart, it does accelerate, but see me here now. In this same room with the same maroon chair and chocolate-brown furniture. See me here in this room oddly vacant. See my mom silent. See me now. Making jokes to make her smile. I haven’t looked in the mirror, and I know you don’t see me.

Billy’s leaving today (don’t know where he’s going).
He’s got lines on his face (they tell the story of his pain).
He accepts it’s his fate.
He admits it took too long to admit that he was wrong.

Was it too hard to love me? Or equally too easy to hate me? Look, I am leaving now, away you see. I will take  no more time nor space in my mind to think about you all. Look, was I too bad to be abused? too wretched to be smashed any moment perceived? Still. I forgot to cover my tracks, and the monsters follow me in every world I take up, every star that shines on me, tainting every innocent smile of mine, and increasing every pain that finds its way

Tomorrow comes. Sorrow becomes his soul mate.
The damage is done. The prodigal son is too late.
Old doors are closed but he’s always open,
To relive time in his mind.
Oh Billy.

I leave all these questions here, trying just as I left them here ages ago. It’s such a cold weather. There is fog out there, I hear. One of the smells I love. I am breaking away again. Because its easy now. My fingers are freezing, and I am scared deep down some place where I cannot figure myself out, never have;soon might.

Once he was a lover sleeping with another.
Now he’s just known as a cheat.
And he wish he’d had a mirror; looked a little clearer.
Seen into the eyes of the weak.

There is no use, aye. No use of saying anything. Because I have loved, I have lived, I have hated, I hate, and if people won’t stop hurting.. I won’t stop hating, I don’t care if it makes me a hypocrite, I am past the stages of resonated and so painful silence. My life hasn’t ended on such few suckers as yet btw. If a dog won’t stop barking.. aye I won’t stop roaring.. I have used this analogy the second time yet I am unaware of any scarp of meaning to it. Balderdash.

Tomorrow comes. Sorrow becomes his soul mate.
The damage is done. The prodigal son is too late.
Old doors are closed but he’s always open,
To relive time in his mind.
Oh Billy.

Bye guys! I leave at 8 o’clock here. I packed such few stuff (?!) and I yet have my room to confirm. I’ll miss WP, might be back in a week due to a few holidays, it was an honour meeting you all and there is respect in my heart that nothing can tamper, pray fer me! SO LONG

Haibar

P.s. Happy new year to all Muslims!

(Title: Quote by Willie Nelson)

(Song: Oh, Billy by James Blunt)

Forever, and forever, farewell, Cassius! If we do meet again, why, we shall smile; If not, why then this parting was well made

 

Alright, I went. Had a classic session at the medical college. The people who did my medical aka interview were the nicest doctors I might ever meet. The surgery section, where my medical booklet was to be finally signed, had such a warm doctor and well. There you go. I am Officially a student of a Government Medical College

Now I leave on Sunday. If not, then definitely on Monday. Plus, my tummy has been hurting for two days. And as a result meat has been banned from my house, I never eat stuff again if it causes me a prolonged pain. Given that it is not junk food you know.. =D

Today I am going to, by the Grace of God, pack my stuff away. Probably visit my doctor too. Call my Uncle and Aunts. Sulk. Imma sulk the whole day

For me sulking is keeping my mouth shut and face absolutely expressionless. Why sulking? Yawn, I am so tired I need to restore my energy levels and 90% of my energy goes to my weird expression making and talking.   And mind you, sleeping for about 9 hours hasn’t helped me yet…

I wrote so much in my mind yesterday, But I do not have the energy to post that all travel journal and extended metaphors. It has been a while I wrote a short story too btw..

I think I’ll complete The Vampire Lestat today.

Love

Haibar

(Title: From Shakespeare’s Julius Caesar )

Thoughts and a Scare

Another day, full of horrors went down. Went to the store bought a HUGE DIARY for myself. Well spent 750 rupees. That is about I dunno.. 9 dollars? But it has a good amount of bulk in it and I can write my capillaries out. Brown. Heavy. But beautiful. Finally I’ll go back to my journal, given that blogging era ticks to an end.

I was thinking, what to put on the first page. My first diary had:

This is my letter to the world,
That never wrote to me,– 
The simple news that Nature told, 
With tender majesty. 
Her message is committed 
To hands I cannot see; 
For love of her, sweet countrymen,
Judge tenderly of me!

~Emily Dickinson

And that was 2006. And my last (fifth diary) had

Yeah I’m a Zombie, aint nobody perfect

Now I think I’lll choose something frost again.. my fourth diary had the poem:

Now close all the windows..

““““““““““`

Now to the scary part that made me jump out of my body

I might not get into the hostel of the college so far away from my hometown. It’s killing me deep in. I’m tired already of the problems cropping up from the unknown. Now this

Oh my brain screams

Some people hear their own inner voices with great clearness. And they live by what they hear. Such people become crazy… or they become legend

Oh Lord, I can finally feel it. The orchestra brought it out in me. I wanna cover my face and smile into them. I can feel the bubble forming in my heart, Golden but reflecting all the colours I ever possessed. Oh I feel it. The happiness covering from head to toe. That smile forming on my face. That light sparkling my eyes.

There is so much love in my heart that I can let it flow out into the world around me. Happiness makes me what I am, It is the extreme emotions that lift me up so high. I can feel the warmth stretching out from my heart, reaching my fingers and toes. Oh all the emotions hiding in me all these days are making my cheeks pink

Me myself am the reason of my happiness. That makes all the difference. Love actually is around us. It’s just the light in the heart and the sparkle in the eyes. World is all what we see. And I see it so beautiful

I see it, right here.

(Title: Quote by Jim Harrison)

Thoughts and a Song

Wednesday. 23rd. Gulp. Two days to the interview… perhaps to my departure. Perhaps is the keyword here aye. So hold your glee =P

Grew up in a small town
And when the rain would fall down
I’d just stare out my window
Dreaming of what could be
And if I’d end up happy
I would pray (I would pray)
 

I have taken five to six books out from my library to take with me. Nothing in particular but I did put the Book of Awesome. Just to cheer me up occasionally. It’s a great book. Makes me laugh. Jee, it’s gonna be strange for me. I have lived, as yet, in six homes. My family is my home you know. In Abu Dubai (where I was born), in Dubai, In Alain, bred mostly in Sharjah then back to my own country first the village then the city. Now back to village. And now to a whole new city, thrice the size of my town and four times as crowded. And away from home for the first time. Home meaning family. It’s a new life, as my friend puts it, we take a fresh start now

Trying hard to reach out
But when I tried to speak out
Felt like no one could hear me
Wanted to belong here
But something felt so wrong here
So I prayed I could break away
 

I mean. Yes.. It’s. There, a new life.I am not breaking away from here am I? .I am very bad at cutting off. Cutting the strings have been the hardest things ever to me. I can pretend; I can brain wash myself. Give myself justifications. But never I can I give up. There is that voice in my brain. There is that echo in my room. There are those walls and doors. There is that solitude. That darkness. Those smiles. Those tears. They break me up, tear me down. But then give me a hand to build a strong soul. Penetrate stuff you cannot imagine knowing. But I know how to block them all. Lord I sometimes hate the control I have over myself.. My brain helps me in every crazy thing I want to do. Or want to shun myself doing it forever. But there is so much these eyes won’t be able to see. Oh Lord.. how the clock ticks away..

Wanna feel the warm breeze
Sleep under a palm tree
Feel the rush of the ocean
Get onboard a fast train
Travel on a jet plane, far away (I will)
And breakaway
 

Run away, Run away. Been doing that my whole life. That is why now when I confront stuff it alters me in a way that cannot be undone. I have done so many crazy things in my childhood and teens. Now I turn into an adult at such a right time. Wow. Such perfect timing Allah… you must have a whole separate directory on me. And well, everyone =P

Buildings with a hundred floors
Swinging around revolving doors
Maybe I don’t know where they’ll take me but
Gotta keep moving on, moving on
Fly away, breakaway
 

One of the many things I like about me. I can joke in every situation. No matter how much my heart bleeds. Its ok. This is life. I had my share of love and joy. One great part is over. One greater awaits. But these are crossroads. People I met here, met me at the crossroads. They don’t know what I was like before. They will not know what I am going to be. If they want to travel with me, aye I am a great companion. If you wanna leave me here. Farewell, if we meet again, there will be a smile and a handshake. Like the one I give you now =)

Btw, Here’s my card =D

I’ll spread my wings
And I’ll learn how to fly
Though it’s not easy to tell you goodbye
I gotta take a risk
Take a chance
Make a change
And breakaway
Out of the darkness and into the sun
But I won’t forget the place I come from
I gotta take a risk
Take a chance
Make a change
And breakaway, breakaway, breakaway

Letters: Andrew retorts

If I could only punch you.

What’s wrong with you? You only get to write me once a week and you blow the chance by taking up some stupid jealousy! Why are you confused and what gets you on in a second?! Claire, let me make one thing very clear to you

It was really bad of me to write that way, I understand. I regret. But you’ve got to understand that May is my cousin and she likes hearing from me. And, frankly speaking its her Mom behind all this. I mentioned her, not to bring you in a crowd, but just to inform about the only people who write because if I didn’t… you would’ve honestly blown apart soon. Accept it. So truly do that.

How long have we been together? Come on. Think. School. College. Now I am off doing Literature and Spiritual studies, and you are doing medicine. But after all this time what do I have to do to tell you that no matter how many people come and go in my life YOU WILL ALWAYS REMAIN THE BEST FRIEND AND COMPANION I EVER HAD! Gosh, you make me angry. I literally broke the pen in my hand thinking of what to write

Jee. It’s ok. We are cool. I am sorry for doing that and I promise it won’t happen (duh) (you LOVE making me apologize don’t ya?)

First we are starting off with Anthropology. Boy it’s like doing history all over again. I have two room mates, Som and Niran. Both are from Thailand. Cool people. Kind of made friends with them. It’s a tough routine man. But I like that =D. I’ll write more about them when you fix your attitude next time, come on I want that letter pad back! I like Flash staring at me every time I open my drawer. Haha

That’s all for this week. Write something nice ok, Or else you know.. May writes so sweet.. I almost expect honey dripping from the flowery letter smelling so.. girl I am intoxicated =D

See ya, You being away makes a huge difference, you idiot

Writing while sitting on a sturdy tree branch, in my blue jeans (wink)

Andrew

P.s I ALMOST FORGOT IN MY ANGER… YOU GOT IN!!!!!!!! WOWIE! That’s incredible! ! ! Where? When? What’s happening now? When ya going to Med school? Write all about it and write big and long. Ok. =)

Thoughts and a paragraph

It was a bad day. Because I was off to the Court and there was a lot of stuff to be done and travelling local is a great mess. My mind made it easier for me, but the legs and arms heed no illusion

I am tired. But its soon gonna be over and a whole new set of problems are gonna come my way. Oh, try me

Now a days I post exactly what goes on in my mind. No writing in my mind over the day, no checking the drafts. Just hello hi bye bye…

It’s vacant. The heart the mind. Nothing penetrates. No true feeling comes out… But I force myself to write

I’m going to post something I wrote on 8th May 2009, on the roof of my college (College aka 11th grade)

“How am I hidden from others? I wonder. I wonder can anyone realize how hurt I get when they turn their backs at me? Do they know when they turn away unexpectedly… I break down? Can they wonder ,when someone closer, some good friend, turns away unexpectedly, how unreal I feel? Can they decipher, how my heart bursts with joy when I see my companions laughing because of some silly joke of mine? Do they feel the intensity of my hatred no.. dislike.. when they prick me so knowingly? Can someone, ever, read me? 

For if they could.. I won’t be writing this..

But maybe that’s why, that’s why.. I am hidden so well..”  

 

 

Here I am Once again..

It was another long day. Tiring and heavy. Got up early, roamed around the city for stuff. Came back home with my arms screaming and feet cursing. But.. I don’t mind. It was not so bad. Kind of fun when you take it as a journal in your brain and write as the smoke from the vehicles streaks your lungs.. =P

I am back home now. I have washed my face and freed my feet. I am leaning back and am breathing deep. Vacant. I am vacant. But not sad or unhappy. That counts. That counts a lot

I was reading Robert Frost on my cell last night, after reading a chapter from The Vampire Lestat (Anne Rice). It was so calm. Sitting deep into my sofa. Switching the lights off. Mom with her folks in the hall. I have nothing to say. Really. I am blank. And I just wanna hear someone talking and I would just listen and listen and listen and blend in the darkness and vanish. I have never felt like this.. And the dreams have turned strange too..

Anyways.. Last night I was listening to Josh Groban and talking to people in my head. I just know that it’s going to be so hard for me to fall in love. Just a stupid thought. I know how to block my feelings. If I die.. My body won’t be there in the tunnels.. nor at the bottom of a cliff.. it would be on a shore,

I trust the waters you know.. I trust the winds that blow to and fro…

The heart can think of no devotion
Greater than being shore to ocean –
Holding the curve of one position,
Counting an endless repetition. 

 

(Poem: ‘Devotion’ by Robert Frost)

Gotta post while I can post

Gotta say till I can say, gotta yell when I can still  talk =P So.. I am sitting down and finally posting this. This is the 20th post and I am still not satisfied. Hmm. So.. Yes. It happened.

I got into a Government Medical college.

First try. And I never really studied

Believe me.. I wanted to get into a college but deep down I never really worked. But see! God helped me out!

I found out a few days ago, now we are shopping and gathering documents and turning my insides out for this bird to finally leave her nest. This is.. so strange and nervous and and.. ok.. exciting for me I am not going to put all the tales I had cooked in my brain or the 21st post will go down the drain too.

It’s going to be so tough for me. I have never studied under a Government Institution and I pretty much am spoiled.. A minimalist yes but.. at least the few things I like are comfy and well.. necessary..What if I don’t get a room in the college hostel? What if the place is absolutely dreary? What if my best friend gets a room and I don’t.. Hang on, did I forget mentioning? We both got into the same college. A miracle or WHAT?

Well. I cannot bring myself write something serious, I am way too vacant for that. Yeah, mild happiness does that to me. The fears tarnish the true intensity. Just.. I don’t think I might be able to blog… Once a month twice maybe.. I’ll try from my cell.. But I don’t really think so.. Lord.. this means I will have to buy another diary for me..

So. This is it. Now everyday till 25th I will try post stuff I am doing, before I move to another city, embrace a whole new life. People. Stuff.. stufff..stuff. Jee I’m going to miss WordPress. This place gave me life when I was thrown on the sidewalk by people I loved the most, two toned suckers.. not important anymore. Jee I’m such a great liar. But then I have the excuse everyone gave me =D “If I never used those words you wouldn’t have left following me, but there will always remain a place for you in my life’.. pure bullshit…such golden bullshit =D

I’ll miss you all my WP mateys. But I don’t leave as yet, Or maybe.. never! But keeping the assumption in mind that I am leaving soon… Let’s cherish the days left. I honour everyone I met here. I made great friends and not even ONE foe. Quite an accomplishment right?

HIGH FIVE! Aye!