And all I loved, I loved alone

And so hollow does it feel. With every breath I intake I can feel my deserted insides. As if someone carved out the contents, leaving me void and vulnerable. Yes, it felt like that. I could feel the wooden shavings lying around me, chipped off from a wooden body, undoubtedly my own, so painfully my own….I might have been like this for a long time, guess I never realized it. Till the straw escaped from an unknown hole and the puppet sagged to the ground. No termite could do such meritorious a job. It was work of a human. It was no Cedar borer, nor some tanbark beetle. For it was no firewood or cedar. It was a human hollowed and it was a human artisan

I want to catch a train and move away. I want to catch a plane and fly away. I want to dig a hole and vanish away.. I want to melt away. Evaporate in front of these very trees, disappear in front of this very bench. Dissolved. Dispersed. Who am I? Care knowing? It is someone lost in the crowd ages ago, someone sitting on this wooden bench, facing the rising sun as if the yellow rays will enlighten his dark life and dying soul. As if the morning air would put some life into his faltering heart beats. As if some magic will happen. Yes. I am sitting in this deserted park, and this beautiful scene will do me no good, bring me no happiness, save me no memory to cherish, I am blind to everything but my pain, my sorrow and my agony

I breathe in the autumn air, shove off the yellow leaves fallen in my lap and get up. Reach into my pocket and take out my phone. Clinging to relations that no longer stay, places that no longer exist and feelings that no longer remain, will bring none of us any good. It takes a lot of courage to cut the strings. And I’ll save her the pain.

For maybe I was the one who loved, now I will be the one to walk away…

(Title: From Poe’s poem ‘Alone’)