It wouldn’t be New Year if I didn’t have regrets

Hey, I was sitting. Feeling blissful after events of the last day and of course talking to my elder cousin.. my first teacher and the person who actually brought out my love for reading and writing. Boy I found a lot hidden in me after I came back from UAE and practically lived with her a long time. I’ll always be indebted

So. 2011. GONE!

Hmm so talking about the Gregorian Calendar followed.. The year is over.. and man was it an eventful roller coaster ride

I am gonna be random. I started blogging. I met so many new people. I did my intermediate in pre medical. I was dumped by quite a handful of people. Found my brother. Lost my brother. My friendship with Anne, Stance and Stephanie mulitplied. I met Muki, my greatest friend alive. My Potato matey. I met Billy, or my Teen friend! I encouraged or rather inspired (=D) a bunch of people to start their own blogs. Wp became a beloved place… though even people I dread and fear of infiltrating and destroying my world came here. I am still afraid. But I care no more

I will never be the same. This year taught me so so so much. I understood the good. The better. The bad. The worse. I mean, I still am as sensitive as I was.. maybe even more.. But I know how to deal with my feelings now. Deal with people and how to bury stuff behind me. But I am still not strong enough to carry all that alone. Friends have always been whom I have looked upon. I just need a smile to hold. And I can mulitply happiness to a degree it might never reach on its own. I’m proud of that

I learned how to drive.. a bit =D

Plus guys. I got into a medical college! Becoming a doctor just like my old man

I am not going into my usual deep crap talks. But this year was hard. I shifted back to my home in the village. I had fallen in love with the city. MIracles surrounded me. Once..twice..thrice..four times. I watched so many seasons of so many tv serials just to distratct myself from the hollowness the pain my friends left me with. Friends? Jee why did I even use that term.. Double faced two toned hypocritical__                               Language Haibar!

I am sorry folks. Really. May Karma eff you up

I became even more funny! Humour became even greater a plus! I found my true self! I groomed it! I laughed! I cried! I jumped! I fell! I got up again! Lalalala

I understood the diversity of people around me. I started knowing them. Giving them chances. Not judging them.

Huh.Looks like I have started again. Btw. I turned 18 this year
Yeah, right. I was a kid before.
Not anymore =D
My brain is far more mature
And boy, I am tall :D

This post might not be a good a comprehensive one since I cannot write on one set topic unless I have a craving to do so. It might not be good, but my intentions always are =D

Anyways. A happy happy happy new year to all of you. Esp my WordPress folks. You have no idea what life writing and reading you all puts in me. 

I am a bad at commenting. I am sorry for that
And at giving away awards. I will start this year, I promise
That reminds me.. I should write the so called New Year Resolution post too!
But.. going back to college tomorrow folks!
See you around!
Love !

Goodbyes are not forever.
Goodbyes are not the end.
They simply mean I’ll miss you
Until we meet again!

(Title: Quote by William Thomas)

Sometimes, no matter how much faith we have, we lose people. But you never forget them. And sometimes, it’s those memories that give us the faith to go on

Night or early day, I know not. My eyes flew open as the stab settled in

No, Lord NO!

I knew the pain that would take over, starting from the shoulder blades down to the arm, now the ribs too. Clutching my teeth shut I sped to the kitchen. No, God, no. Popped the pills and drank enough water to push them down. Quick opened the fridge and filled the injection. No, please, don’t spread. There was no time, plunged the syringe into my arm and slid to the floor. The pain would go in half an hour now. Recede to a level that won’t get me screaming. If I was not already doing so. If I was not already wailing. Stifling the cries as the eyes leaked with salt water, sliding farther on the cold marble

Pathetic. It was pathetic. My body reeked of pity. I so wanted to cry in the real volume. Sob harder. I just wanted the pain to end. Just leave my body.. just leave my existence

Got up, came back. Sat at the edge of my bed. Face wet and arms sling. Chest hurt. I was crying for Dad. I wanted to go to him. Lord, I miss him. He was the only person who knew what was wrong with me. The only person who understood me. Sob shattered through my weak ribs and made me shiver. I hated shaking in despair and agony. And it was getting worse. The pain won’t stop. The arms won’t recover. Dad was gone. Buried under a pile of dirt. Just like I would be. Soon

How long is ‘soon’? Four years? Five years? 10? 12? Tomorrow? This night? How long have I got? What difference will it make? Will anyone’s world shatter, just for a second. For a second will there be that realization that she..she’s gone? What will mom do without me? Others can live. Oh it has been proved…once..twice..thrice..four times. Lives don’t stop. I don’t want them to. It’s just that feeling when the world isn’t the same anymore.

I pull on my cardigan. Slide into my tight trousers. My forehead is slick and wet of the wave of pain that just receded. Mom’s asleep in her room. I wear my glasses and start digging into my drawers, until I find a shattered frame and a torn picture of..of my family. Broken ages ago. I see him looking at me as if I was just about to fall. As if he would catch me if slip from mom’s arm.

I’ve fallen dad. Once, twice, thrice.. four times

Slowly the medication takes over as I sway. Remove my glasses and fall over my bed. I see faces of everyone I have ever cared for in my life. The images blur my mind and the words crash in my brain again. It is silly how everything seems right and then everything is wrong. The world seems dull when the insides are gray. As my insides pain, everything around me is thorns. I feel Dad’s warmth as I fall through numbness

And If I have ever loved anyone. I have loved you. In so many smiles. In so many tears. In all this pain. And through all my fears..

Some stuff that reveals a lot about you

Or gives the impression you want to give

…..and isn’t that impressive. Believe me


I was lying in my bed. Reading a book, when my cellphone rang. I hate touch phones btw. It was my kid’s call. Sob, He’s in Jersey now. And I miss him. (By this time everyone should know that by kids I mean my young cousins)  He went on about the flight and I stifled a sigh. Boy I am never going to Uncle’s again. All my kids are in Jersey now. Dammit

I looked at my cellphone and saw the wallpaper. Its cute. Bertie and Ernie. Bring a smile on so many faces as they plunge into my phone

What if I had an emo wallpaper. Or a crying girl. Blood. Heartbreak. All the crap stuff my cousins have over their cells. It instantly gives the feeling of being…what… lovesick? Depraved? Oh I am so lonely… I need love.. my heart just broke blahblahblah

It just makes me sick. It just makes me sick to see such stuff that screams all about you. I don’t appreciate too conservative feelings, too hidden people.. but for Lord’s sake it brings you no good by showing off your feelings to all the crap of the world who.. believe me when I say it… don’t give a blasted damn

Then come to ring tones. When I got my own cell in grade 11.. My first ringtone was.. Fireflies by Owl City. Why? One thing that lyrics started after long music and by that time I picked up the phone. Then I went on to Love Story by Swift (same reason) then You’re Beautiful by James Blunt (show off) then for months and months I had Wiseman by Blunt… One because the music was long, two because it reminded me of lessons I fail to learn every stinking time I fall

But then I desisted. It said a lot about me. I changed to The Big Bang Theory ending theme and will keep sticking to it (the ringtone has become VERY POPULAR in my hostel and I love how they yearn to have it too. Lol)

When I stick to something, Boy I stick hard

I see people with stupid ringtones as I move around in buses and vans. I mean… what.. such less dignity.. such less trust on yourself that you go on telling the Universe that a girl broke your heart or a guy dumped you or how you will love to hook up with the next person who smiles at you.. makes me sick.. makes me so sick..

And then. The dp’s. The display pictures. Fb, Yahoo, Hotmail, MySpace, Twitter.. etc etc Tells how proud and messed up and moronic you are. I too had idiotic dps but then I so stopped. All of them became what I posted on my blog. I just, stopped opening up altogether

And if you do such stuff to hurt someone.. a public display of relationships won’t bring you anything.. your affection shall remain so even without such games.. but what if the tear that falls from someone’s eye brings you eternal curse?

They say it right…What you do.. defines you…

I do not mean lock yourself up and hide. But show yourself to people who are worth it. We all have purple, blue, yellow, orange daffodils in us. Save them folks. Save your dignity and self-respect, Laughter and love is for everyone. But save those pains and sorrows for people who are worth it.

Believe me there aint many

But the ones that are, are just so worth it

Aye =)

These are my opinions and thoughts. No offence intended and no one is obliged to agree =)

First sub stage !!!

Guys and girls and grandpas! Medicine is fun!

Even for hopeless cases like me. Ahem. No one else is entitled to say that arright…

So let me relate the day of my first sub stage at my college. Now wait a sec, what is all this sub stage crap?

Oh its a darn big viva. Anatomy. Three sub stages and then a stage on each part of the body. We choose a portion (we don’t, the Professors do) cram all we can about it. Dissect cadavers aka dead bodies. Peel and cut and do nasty things. Pick up bones and start extracting the souls outta them. Cry the whole night before the sub stage because it has been moved from 24th to 22nd. Curse the acting Head of Anatomy department. Ask Allah for a kind examiner to ask us questions. Make all your friends who are not in Medicine crazy because THIS IS YOUR FIRST SUB STAGE

Then the day came.

I dressed in brown.. the colour I am most attuned to. Blurted best of luck to my mates, esp my room mate who had burned my ears whining about her prep. Got in the bus. Went into the college, searched my roll number and the designated Doctor. Roll number was called. I went in. Answered to who was perhaps the most polite teacher in the world. And took my report card back. And screamed when I saw it because OLA! I HAD PASSED!

Came out, faced a bunch of girls and guys who said KIA HUA?? (what happened?) I said Mut pucho mera damag hil gaya he.. but pass ho gai! (don’t ask my brain’s gone tweet.. but I passed!) and they all gulped as I shuffled off, taking my cell out and texting my friend. Boy I had rotten his ears for a long time. My room mate passed with distinction, and we had damn fun calling her Dr. Theta all day long.

Then I called my mom and as I was doing so my best friend came from the DH (Dissection Hall) calling home. We both blurted KIA HUA? And both said PASS! and then said Kitney number? (marks?) and both screamed 27!!! 

Boy that has to go in my golden memories list with her

And one other being the time we played That Awkward Moment in Embryology.

Story coming up soon!

Oh girl, you’re mine




Oh how my fingers have been itching to slide back and forth the keyboard and how my ears have yearned to hear  the clip clop of the buttons pressed, my thoughts filling a flat screen in front of me! Oh how have I missed all of this!

Winter vacations. Back home. Passed my sub stage, How cool is that?

My brain is filled will all sorts of stories from hostel. All sorts of incidents that have been taking place. Everything I have learned. Am learning. I will post separate posts on each of them. My nerdy room mates. Mates from my best friend’s awesome group. My room. Her room. Bus. Store. Late night burger deliveries. Coffee party. Dissection Halls. Lecture theatres. Anatomy. Biochemistry. Physiology. Practicals. Tutorials. The seniors. The caretakers. The devilish doctors. Boys lol. PBL (Problem based learning) etc

Last time I was not sure how I felt. Not sure about what I was in. What was happening. Now I am cool. Words are well defined and stories are well exaggerated in moi brain. If Lord helps me.. Its gonna be fun!

Gee. is there anyone left to read me anymore? I don’t think so.. people make other friends. Places are occupied. I myself have been replaced a dozen times

Never mind. Never mind

But I missed you all =)



(Title: Last song sung in my room while packing, ahem)

For no one. Never was. Its never gonna be

I’m a human? Right?

I am a normal human, right?

I can be sensitive too,can’t I?

I can feel and break and cry and get hurt too, can’t I?

Oh no no.. How can I

I am supposed to leave hearts in gutters

Kick people who love me because I have plenty other replacements

I feel sick

Sick to my stomach

Feel all my emotions filling a dump at the back of my yard

All those smiles putting out

Like wind sweeping the lights out of heart

Keep reasoning what other do

When I do

Reasons end before they begin

No reasons at all

A moment of love. Three of scorn

My heart is dead too.

My soul too is now worn



I am flipping I am flopping I am jumping and hitting the roof I am whirling on this chair WHEEEEEEE I am hip I am hop..

Guys.. I am so totally flop…

I so am thrilled! Sitting in our computer lab with everyone in the vicinity READING MY BLOG!!!! We got this class and and and I just told a few mates about my blog and everyone started searching it! WOW

Now that I am writing this, lemme relate another incident. On our first day, a girl tapped on me, beckoned me closer and said Haibar, Haibar Zair? A Purple Daffodil?” And I was like (What the-) Yes?” She shook my hand telling that My sketches were amazing and the poetry was so awesome, “Never stop writing, you are great writer” She probably had stumbled in my blog through some fb page.. I blushed scarlet and was so damn happy. Just as my friend told me that his brother had read and appreciated my poem that got published in such an AWESOME magazine, not knowing that I actually wrote it. Not knowing who the hell is Haibar Zair…

Small world, right?


My class is till 2 and it is about 12 45 here. I am happy and blushing and alone and in a crowd I don’t know what am I saying I am just blabbing and blabbing.

I find myself singing So Long, Jimmy. There is happiness in the heart. There is a childish joy bubbling through my heart, passing through those arms that have been in pain for days.. years. The pain returned yesterday but I don’t mind. Give me one reason of happiness and love and I will take it on. Leave happiness to me I know how to multiply it a hundredfold. It is part of the persona I am building. And I shall build. I may not be extraordinary in sciences, but I know myself, and I am going to be much more than a doctor.

I am going to become a Healer


Realization. Realization

There is a world to talk about. There are emotions and words cropped in me. But I go my way as always, mosaic and uncertain. Balderdash. All balderdash

I have so truly recognized the two halves in me that make a whole I am grateful and fortunate to be. There is a deep and pathetically emotional part that can pull me and slam me to the walls of my own existence any time it wants. And there is that fairly practical part, that can make me suffer through anything without any single thought bringing me down. But these halves are of a same whole and live so. Live together. Live in harmony and such delicate balance that I myself am astonished. Amazed. Gratified

Why am I writing this? My heart is heavy. Yes. Because I am wishing so truly and harshly that I should’ve covered my tracks. Lord I could’ve covered my tracks. The bad spells don’t leave me. They follow every world I tend to inhabit. Tend to live in. And fill me with the hatred and venom I clean myself of every night. I wish I would’ve vanished and never would’ve come back. Even looked this way. Maybe then I would’ve been alone and happy in the little world of mine. My curse will flow. And Lord I try so hard to keep myself from being the very person I left behind. What went. died then and there. But the dead have ghosts about them and they won’t leave until I die myself

But it aint that easy. The soul and body and the heart I posses are far too strong than I ever anticipated. Few nights ago I was sipping tea and walking in my hostel lane thinking that there are people in great conditions, people studying in KE (The best med college here and perhaps in the world) the great professors who have gone through so much before us and might still be in some dilemma but can they ever have the perceptions I have? I look at them, showing us slides of upper and lower limbs. I see them teaching me blood and brain. They know too much. But do they know what I have known, the way I squeeze a girl because she misses her Dad and Mom, telling her it’s ok… it’s ok. No. The people in KE, people in my college. No, they cannot see the world from my eyes. I don’t want them to. They will never. They can’t

I remember people telling me what love is. I remember people loving me. I remember them saying all those words I dared never believe. They sting me now because the repetition of those words once made me believe that life is real. I was lucky. My love was paid back… Lies. Such brutal lies. But that’s gone. I have cut the final strings. But they have made homes in the very territory that brought me back to life, There still was a last hope that somewhere deep my silence must have sufficed. It dint. And I no longer care

I only understand care and love when the pain… it penetrates. If it doesn’t – I move on. It still does…. I realized that there are consequences of losing someone. Either you never cared. Either you never realized. Either you thought someone won’t ever leave. (so on and so forth)

Lord it sounds dramatic

p.s College is awesome. Hostel stinks but It’s ok, I like being alone. And I am alone in the sense that is most fashionable and highly recommended.

Alone in a crowd

The one laughing at my jokes =D

30th November

A phone call, a sweet voice, my closing eyes, my cold hands My kid’s 18 Yes mom, She’s 18. My kid’s old now.. Oh yes mom.. your kid’s old Splashing my face with cold water, smearing my bun with jam Oh yes, a kid’s eighteen. Kicking my bruised feet ahead, walking to the bus in green, Joking with the mates, a group laughs They don’t know I’m 18 Blaring lectures, moving around As the cramps cripple my spine and the bus threaten to leave Her kid’s 18 In a hall of crying adults, a kid cheers them all She likes walking alone, she likes smiling on them all Happy to be one of them, happy to be apart She’s 18, 18 after all Reads her texts, replies them all. Steals college wifi, attends her calls Smooths her bed, books and plates Writes her journal. Bounces jumps and states They all like her, some might not But then she was a kid, now she’s not Oh Mom.. you’ll never know Your kid was old, old all along…