Balderdash Thoughts

Realization. Realization

There is a world to talk about. There are emotions and words cropped in me. But I go my way as always, mosaic and uncertain. Balderdash. All balderdash

I have so truly recognized the two halves in me that make a whole I am grateful and fortunate to be. There is a deep and pathetically emotional part that can pull me and slam me to the walls of my own existence any time it wants. And there is that fairly practical part, that can make me suffer through anything without any single thought bringing me down. But these halves are of a same whole and live so. Live together. Live in harmony and such delicate balance that I myself am astonished. Amazed. Gratified

Why am I writing this? My heart is heavy. Yes. Because I am wishing so truly and harshly that I should’ve covered my tracks. Lord I could’ve covered my tracks. The bad spells don’t leave me. They follow every world I tend to inhabit. Tend to live in. And fill me with the hatred and venom I clean myself of every night. I wish I would’ve vanished and never would’ve come back. Even looked this way. Maybe then I would’ve been alone and happy in the little world of mine. My curse will flow. And Lord I try so hard to keep myself from being the very person I left behind. What went. died then and there. But the dead have ghosts about them and they won’t leave until I die myself

But it aint that easy. The soul and body and the heart I posses are far too strong than I ever anticipated. Few nights ago I was sipping tea and walking in my hostel lane thinking that there are people in great conditions, people studying in KE (The best med college here and perhaps in the world) the great professors who have gone through so much before us and might still be in some dilemma but can they ever have the perceptions I have? I look at them, showing us slides of upper and lower limbs. I see them teaching me blood and brain. They know too much. But do they know what I have known, the way I squeeze a girl because she misses her Dad and Mom, telling her it’s ok… it’s ok. No. The people in KE, people in my college. No, they cannot see the world from my eyes. I don’t want them to. They will never. They can’t

I remember people telling me what love is. I remember people loving me. I remember them saying all those words I dared never believe. They sting me now because the repetition of those words once made me believe that life is real. I was lucky. My love was paid back… Lies. Such brutal lies. But that’s gone. I have cut the final strings. But they have made homes in the very territory that brought me back to life, There still was a last hope that somewhere deep my silence must have sufficed. It dint. And I no longer care

I only understand care and love when the pain… it penetrates. If it doesn’t – I move on. It still does…. I realized that there are consequences of losing someone. Either you never cared. Either you never realized. Either you thought someone won’t ever leave. (so on and so forth)

Lord it sounds dramatic

p.s College is awesome. Hostel stinks but It’s ok, I like being alone. And I am alone in the sense that is most fashionable and highly recommended.

Alone in a crowd

The one laughing at my jokes =D

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