Sometimes, no matter how much faith we have, we lose people. But you never forget them. And sometimes, it’s those memories that give us the faith to go on

Night or early day, I know not. My eyes flew open as the stab settled in

No, Lord NO!

I knew the pain that would take over, starting from the shoulder blades down to the arm, now the ribs too. Clutching my teeth shut I sped to the kitchen. No, God, no. Popped the pills and drank enough water to push them down. Quick opened the fridge and filled the injection. No, please, don’t spread. There was no time, plunged the syringe into my arm and slid to the floor. The pain would go in half an hour now. Recede to a level that won’t get me screaming. If I was not already doing so. If I was not already wailing. Stifling the cries as the eyes leaked with salt water, sliding farther on the cold marble

Pathetic. It was pathetic. My body reeked of pity. I so wanted to cry in the real volume. Sob harder. I just wanted the pain to end. Just leave my body.. just leave my existence

Got up, came back. Sat at the edge of my bed. Face wet and arms sling. Chest hurt. I was crying for Dad. I wanted to go to him. Lord, I miss him. He was the only person who knew what was wrong with me. The only person who understood me. Sob shattered through my weak ribs and made me shiver. I hated shaking in despair and agony. And it was getting worse. The pain won’t stop. The arms won’t recover. Dad was gone. Buried under a pile of dirt. Just like I would be. Soon

How long is ‘soon’? Four years? Five years? 10? 12? Tomorrow? This night? How long have I got? What difference will it make? Will anyone’s world shatter, just for a second. For a second will there be that realization that she..she’s gone? What will mom do without me? Others can live. Oh it has been proved…once..twice..thrice..four times. Lives don’t stop. I don’t want them to. It’s just that feeling when the world isn’t the same anymore.

I pull on my cardigan. Slide into my tight trousers. My forehead is slick and wet of the wave of pain that just receded. Mom’s asleep in her room. I wear my glasses and start digging into my drawers, until I find a shattered frame and a torn picture of..of my family. Broken ages ago. I see him looking at me as if I was just about to fall. As if he would catch me if slip from mom’s arm.

I’ve fallen dad. Once, twice, thrice.. four times

Slowly the medication takes over as I sway. Remove my glasses and fall over my bed. I see faces of everyone I have ever cared for in my life. The images blur my mind and the words crash in my brain again. It is silly how everything seems right and then everything is wrong. The world seems dull when the insides are gray. As my insides pain, everything around me is thorns. I feel Dad’s warmth as I fall through numbness

And If I have ever loved anyone. I have loved you. In so many smiles. In so many tears. In all this pain. And through all my fears..

Some stuff that reveals a lot about you

Or gives the impression you want to give

…..and isn’t that impressive. Believe me

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I was lying in my bed. Reading a book, when my cellphone rang. I hate touch phones btw. It was my kid’s call. Sob, He’s in Jersey now. And I miss him. (By this time everyone should know that by kids I mean my young cousins)  He went on about the flight and I stifled a sigh. Boy I am never going to Uncle’s again. All my kids are in Jersey now. Dammit

I looked at my cellphone and saw the wallpaper. Its cute. Bertie and Ernie. Bring a smile on so many faces as they plunge into my phone

What if I had an emo wallpaper. Or a crying girl. Blood. Heartbreak. All the crap stuff my cousins have over their cells. It instantly gives the feeling of being…what… lovesick? Depraved? Oh I am so lonely… I need love.. my heart just broke blahblahblah

It just makes me sick. It just makes me sick to see such stuff that screams all about you. I don’t appreciate too conservative feelings, too hidden people.. but for Lord’s sake it brings you no good by showing off your feelings to all the crap of the world who.. believe me when I say it… don’t give a blasted damn

Then come to ring tones. When I got my own cell in grade 11.. My first ringtone was.. Fireflies by Owl City. Why? One thing that lyrics started after long music and by that time I picked up the phone. Then I went on to Love Story by Swift (same reason) then You’re Beautiful by James Blunt (show off) then for months and months I had Wiseman by Blunt… One because the music was long, two because it reminded me of lessons I fail to learn every stinking time I fall

But then I desisted. It said a lot about me. I changed to The Big Bang Theory ending theme and will keep sticking to it (the ringtone has become VERY POPULAR in my hostel and I love how they yearn to have it too. Lol)

When I stick to something, Boy I stick hard

I see people with stupid ringtones as I move around in buses and vans. I mean… what.. such less dignity.. such less trust on yourself that you go on telling the Universe that a girl broke your heart or a guy dumped you or how you will love to hook up with the next person who smiles at you.. makes me sick.. makes me so sick..

And then. The dp’s. The display pictures. Fb, Yahoo, Hotmail, MySpace, Twitter.. etc etc Tells how proud and messed up and moronic you are. I too had idiotic dps but then I so stopped. All of them became what I posted on my blog. I just, stopped opening up altogether

And if you do such stuff to hurt someone.. a public display of relationships won’t bring you anything.. your affection shall remain so even without such games.. but what if the tear that falls from someone’s eye brings you eternal curse?

They say it right…What you do.. defines you…

I do not mean lock yourself up and hide. But show yourself to people who are worth it. We all have purple, blue, yellow, orange daffodils in us. Save them folks. Save your dignity and self-respect, Laughter and love is for everyone. But save those pains and sorrows for people who are worth it.

Believe me there aint many

But the ones that are, are just so worth it

Aye =)

These are my opinions and thoughts. No offence intended and no one is obliged to agree =)