Good old Stephanie

You guys remember Stephanie? My lovely old neighbor… I am sitting in her brand new home and brand new elite class bedroom and she is pouring herself in me.. all the good old stuff.. her new friends and everything.. I really miss her.. Today I miss everything

And I am not going to pretend I am happy. Last few days I have been doing that. Literally.. you know… trying to keep my nose in my studies.. Ignoring the pains in my arm that well.. are getting worse day by day… I dunno what’s happening I don’t care..

I know it is of no use to post this rattle in-front of faceless strangers, I am perfectly capable of living my life on my own.. without..people. You know.. My life is such a mathematical formula.. a stupid equation.. I have known this thing for so long, I just don’t know why but there are always a fixed number of people who can be closer to me, I try to tamper with that number.. something happens. Something always happens..

Maybe none of this is real.. Yeah.. nothing I say will make any difference.

I am going to have pizza now. I don’t feel like talking to anyone.

Never did I give up on fate like this

Just rambling, nothing important

I never used to press my clothes at home. Never. We had a maid or mom would get her lovely daughter’s work done =D But, of course.. things are different being away from home, on my own. I don’t even mind it anymore. It’s fun.

So. I pressed an ultra new dress. Black and so deep green. I never used to wear black so much, but now I just wear black all the time (it looks nice =D) I have to go some place tomorrow and well I even painted my nails black (how weird is that). I just ate a big platter of croquettes with my friend (I fried them). I am just so excited about tomorrow ! (some kind of a ceremony) and I hope things go okay, because whenever I am over excited about stuff…something drops from the heavens to scare me. Huff

Today, when I was at college (doing some paperwork that had me stuck in this city for over a week, alone) I was sitting with this girl, who is like not my friend but a distant acquaintance (friend of a friend who has all her classes with me). While we were waiting, she said that hey Haibar, you don’t mind if I say something. I was like, I might but go ahead. She said normally I looked strict and like stuck-to-rules-kind-of-a-girl who is so difficult to be friends with. I was like (eyebrow pinched up), okay.. and then she said that now that she had spent the whole day with me, she found out that I was so different. So soft and understanding. It’s so good to just sit with you and talk. I could never have believed it before, Now I know why (name of a friend) speaks so highly of you. 

I was dumbfounded, literally. Never before had a stranger said that to my face. I just bowed my head and started filling my forms, murmuring a small thank you.

I have been smiling the whole day, as if I wore some sort of invisible shield and everything just bounced off it.

Oh well. We all like to be praised lol, but believe me…

Writers and poets are a bit desperate =D

Hold on

SO, before I started typing I made one big promise that.. HAIBAR do NOT sound pathetic in this post, do NOT make it look like you are the most miserable person in the world. OKAY? My blog is like a slow fire around the college and hostel. Everyone talks ter me like, hey you are the writer, right? You don’t look as if you can hold that kind of *emotions* in you. Great writing! And recently people are like, where are you? No posts, you are even dead on phone and fb. Hey Haibar, I think something has happened, hey haibar hey haibar…

Alright. Alright. Now that my room mates are away and I am stuck in this city due to some paperwork. Hello =)

I have no stories to tell. And I am sure you are not interested in my health or how-I-nearly-punched-a-girl-in-the-gut. Or that it has been raining on and off for so many days, or that I got a new room with two most  favourite people of mine. I am so sure you will not like to know about the wind that has been blowing since last evening. It messed up my mind. And that I read about ten books in past few days and that I am addicted to my pillow (I call it Ukulele).

Life’s good. Can’t complain. If you give me one word replies or feel no obligation to talk to me, then fine… I am really too tired to crawl out of my bed in the morning, with my arm killing me, making my eyes water as I clench my teeth. Come on…

Yeah I did t again. Sue me. (rolling eyes)

You know. I am afraid of reading some books, like they will tell me more than I want to know or show me something I have closed my eyes to. It’s lame yes but..huh.. like I am reading The Fault in Our Stars at the moment and I turn every page with a slight..fear (not literally ‘turn’, I have a Kindle, cough). The few pages I have read.. It’s about Cancer. And well. I have nothing more to say…

A thousand miles seems pretty far But they’ve got planes and trains and cars I’d walk to you if I had no other way

 

Hey there Delilah
What’s it like in New York City?
I’m a thousand miles away
But girl, tonight you look so pretty

There are places in the world, of all types and all kinds. Those scenes so beautiful and breathtaking, those valleys hell-hound and horrible. Places have feelings about them, because of the memories they hold or just the eyes that see them. A simple wall can have hundred stories about it, for a hundred broken prisoners saw it, for the hundred people who could never get past it. Over and away

Yes you do
Times Square can’t shine as bright as you
I swear it’s true

But now it’s me. These are my brown eyes, watching what perhaps might be the most lonely and most beautiful thing they ever saw. I am sitting in a dimly lit lawn after dark, I see a new concrete bench in front of me, sheltered by a big tree. I see young grass growing in its feet. I see it, and my breath seems to have lost its way in my heart

Hey there Delilah
Don’t you worry about the distance
I’m right there if you get lonely
Give this song another listen

My Lord, all I can feel is that strange despair. It’s a newly built hostel I live in now. That new bench is there in front of me. I sit across it, on another fine seat, a song humming in my ears. It’s white and shining, years will pass and it will whither, pieces will fall off. Hundreds will sit and another hundred will come. Time will pass. Life will go on

Close your eyes
Listen to my voice, it’s my disguise
I’m by your side

That feeling of waiting. Just standing still in time and space because you know it. You hope. I feel that in the air hung around it, as if a place made and kept for someone who hasn’t come yet. Someone that won’t ever come. She doesn’t know that yet. Hope is there. In the young faces of the grass, in the shining innocence of the bench.

Oh it’s what you do to me
Oh it’s what you do to me
What you do to me

The tree looks down upon all those young faces, new in the path of life, new in the path of yearning. His sorrows I know not, the barrier around his soul is too strong and too wise for me to comprehend. All I know is I will never have the courage to go sit on that bench. I come and sit across it every evening and hear to the same song. But I can never just go and feel what really is there to be felt. It’s not made for me. I will not understand. Just like being in love with someone who will never see your love, because his eyes were not made for you, his heart beats would never sync to the faltering rhythm that is gonna die in you. Just like waiting for a bus which you know will already be full, and still waiting when you know you have no place to go even if one day it ever stopped  where you stood

Hey there Delilah
I’ve got so much left to say
If every simple song I wrote to you
Would take your breath away
I’d write it all
Even more in love with me you’d fall
We’d have it all

I stare at that bench for thirty long minutes untill a single tear rolls down my cheek. Before I can wipe that off my face is hit by a silent waterfall. I never knew that something so lonely could look so pure, so innocent. Something standing still in mud and dirt would move my dying heart

A thousand miles seems pretty far
But they’ve got planes and trains and cars
I’d walk to you if I had no other way
Our friends would all make fun of us
and we’ll just laugh along because we know
That none of them have felt this way
Delilah I can promise you
That by the time we get through
The world will never ever be the same
And you’re to blame

But then, you know, it might just be these brown eyes….

Hey there Delilah
You be good and don’t you miss me
Two more years and you’ll be done with school 
And I’ll be making history like I do
You’ll know it’s all because of you
We can do whatever we want to
Hey there Delilah here’s to you
This one’s for you