Anna, hey alright I am going to sleep now, after you are done with the assignment switch the lights off and plug my cellphone out of charging, okay?
May pushes all her scattered books to one side of the bed and pulls over the blanket. I look at the book in my hands, and pretend to read it again. Words seems to be in some other script, language so vague and foreign. I don’t understand any of it. My face has started to burn and my breath is coming on shallow, sometimes the heart takes over my mind and my stupid mind never argues, nor resists. I don’t want to breakdown in front of my friend. I don’t want this emotional display to raise so many questions and sympathy. They all think I have stashed my heart in a sack somewhere. I let them think that. And I like it. That is the me they know and the me I have made myself into for them. I don’t want that to change.
I can’t control myself anymore, I scramble out of my bed and hastily make out the door. Everyone is studying everywhere. And everybody knows me in this storey. I don’t know where to go.
I reach for the staircase, taking each step in unknown hurry. I walk into an unknown dark corridor with wired windows looking outside into the roads and other buildings. I need air. I need to walk. Where people who don’t know me and won’t question as they pass by.
I want to tear my hair and vomit. I need to release all this tension building up in my head, Why do I make exceptions in my life, why do I tell them my dreams, why do I laugh that unguarded laughter, why do I open up to them. Why is my life such a damned mathematical formula that unbalances itself the moment I have peace. Why why why why…Why do I make those darned exceptions…
I pace, fast and slow until my frustration and utter anger passes. I feel weak and hungry. I slowly walk back, down the stairs, down the corridors and into my room. Unplug May’s phone and place it next to her pillow. I pick up my books and arrange them neatly on the table. Make my bed and switch the lights off. Curl in my bed and try not to think. May rustles and I see her tiny hand poking under my quilt. I take it in mine and she squeezes it. A few tears leak and I breathe in a sigh.
He lost you, Anna.. Didn’t he?
I squeeze back her hand gently and smile
Didn’t we all…