Lingering grief

It’s like two people talking across the oceans. I am sitting on one shore he’s on the other. We lie on the sands and talk, so far away, but don’t cross the waters. This is not because we can’t.. it’s just because we don’t want to. We watch the sun going down and silence etching like shards of crystalline ice as the sands turn cold..

It’s a sad thing. The feeling of lingering grief. That melancholy is in the air because ..you know.. maybe the last boat we so knowingly missed.. was the last one that might ever leave…

boat and night

“There are only two seasons — winter and Baseball.”

Downhill

Pity by the time I can get down to write about the good days I am down with a bad one. Last few days have been good. Everything seems to be fine when the heart is light. I feel wretched at the fact that within the ten minutes it took for grabbing my laptop and hooking it to an internet source, my heart went down the low road again

So yeah, I, pathetically so, am gonna talk about that

Today was good. I got up so early. I charged my poor Kindle that died on my way back home. I read ”An Artist of the Floating World” sitting in the sun and *tried* cooking. Took a shower but midway the waters turned traitor and I was frozen into a big shard of ice. I am still shivering. And am drinking, what perhaps is, my fifth cup of tea. *Shiver*

You know, sometimes I feel as if I am watching over a fence, into the world of someone I alone hold close to my heart. You see into their world and don’t understand what’s going on. Big patches of stories missing. You long to ask.. but just cannot. It’s a brief feeling, for I know how to shut myself into barriers of smiles and laughter. It’s very natural for me. You can’t call it pretending

Anyways. Winters are on and I hope all your friends and foes remain warm

(as for the foes, don’t worry,you never know when the waters in the shower run cold =D )

winters

 

Title: Quote by Bill Veeck

For what is it to die, But to stand in the sun and melt into the wind?

sitting_in_the_sun

Apple green and light blue. Simple colours that light me up. Brown wet hair blowing dry in winds and that sun warming everything up. It’s Sunday. That ball of light was up. I watched it the whole day, until it sank behind the trees I am not friends with

Sometimes, everything seems oddly at peace. We shut that mind that heart that conscience in us and for that moment everything is still. We close our eyes to everything we have done, all that we should’ve done and sit somewhere on the grass. Not trying to think. Not thinking. Not breathing. Not listening. Afraid that the tiniest of whispers would shatter it all. The mist would part and we’ll have to face it all. Face all that we left behind. Feel  her still there. In the past. Near. But so far from the heart.

But how long will she stay. How long will she wait. How long will she break. One day, when the clouds will leave and the Sun will pour itself to light your blind eyes, you won’t find that friend there. World’s oldest story. No tracks. Not a single reminder of her existence. Even the words in your head will sound distant and blurred. A slight sting would remain, buried somewhere deep in you. A thorn buried deep in your flesh.

No matter what, son, The Sun will rise. It will rise from behind those trees, that, ah, just never became friends of mine.

Sun_behind_trees

Title: Quote by Khalil Gibran

30th November (II)

Aw nuts =D I gotta write this at sometime and it has been days. Well. Yes. Birthday hit on 30th November, my second day back college. Exactly the way it happened last year. Blah It was the worst birthday ever. I am not going into the details but yeah, almost every one of my friends didn’t remember. Those who did, didn’t bother. The building wifi was down so even Facebook couldn’t help this time. I have never been the birthday party person, although I am like the best party planner you can have. It’s only Dad who can make my birthday worth something. And well, he’s away. It’s..kind of my fault. When you spin a cocoon around you, expecting is worthless. This was the first birthday I actually was looking forward to, to test all the friendships I had made and the things I had done. And it all got smashed onto my face. My best dress got ripped, I lost a book… I don’t even wanna get into the story of me in the bus and all that time I was in the lecture theatre. Let’s move on. Come on Well, at night while scribbling on my journal I wrote like a 100-year-old lady. Telling myself that it’s about time we move on from the childish rituals. On my 17th birthday all my family and kids came together and we had such a big blast and I was uncomfortable the whole time and now when everyone forgot I sat in one corner of the bus taking deep breaths. Oh we humans can never be satisfied. But like I said before, being alone in something different and to be deliberately left out is a whole new thing. Knowing you have a friend nearby but still you will have to face the crowd alone..it..stings But then. One person I am not even a bit close, not a bit, nothing more than a happy-go-lucky friend gave a surprise about two days later. Said she was sorry about forgetting the day and she and Bubbly (my friend and room-mate) brought a cake and she herself made a big bowl of pasta for me and they had all sorts of balloons (as if I am like a two-year old =D, but you get the gesture, and it was cute) and… it was great. Really. Awesome.. My voice was stuck in my throat and suddenly I felt I was back in Sharjah and dad was decorating the room and Mom was cooking and my friends were filling in.. It was not the cake nor the balloons. Nor was it Bubbly screaming HAPPY BIRTHDAY, nor was my dude Alfa eating pasta with a guilty face. Amidst all those feelings, amidst all that I know that I am going to be alone forever, It was that sitting together and that laughter that made me smile. That’s gonna be there in my heart forever. It was that song that was played five minutes before 30th November ended. It is all this that stops me from giving up altogether and fight for my faltering heartbeats.. because there are times for me, you know, when living just stops to matter.. happy-birthday-cake