Bitterness is like cancer. It eats upon the host. But anger is like fire. It burns it all clean.

fire away

It runs through my veins like blazing molten lava. I can feel it coursing through my vessels and burning my fingertips. I can feel it melt my bones and disconnect the tendons, with muscles snapping like rubber bands. It feels so real, and it has the power to reduce me to the shadow of the person I was. It hits me so hard and so deep that all I can see is fire, all I can say is venom and all I taste is that metallic edge of blood in my mouth. The fire roars and threatens to reduce everything to ash and smoke

Next time, I am just gonna to let it

 

 

Monster by the door

Haunted mansion

Ever since I have been home, I seep during the day and am up and running at night. There are plenty of reasons for that. A lot. But one of them has to be the peace and privacy. I like to be left alone. I like to eat alone, I like to read alone, I like to watch tv alone. I like being left to myself doing everything in a my own queer patterns. I don’t get that during the day. People come out then

It’s not that strange when monsters of our past chase us around. The moment I switch lights on to this huge hall at my Uncle’s / now our place, I have this feeling of a monster lurking around. There’s a reason I don’t watch horror movies, you never know what gets imprinted in your imagination and follows you from there on. It’s totally my imagination I know. But those five seconds before turning the lights on I am mentally preparing myself for the reaction. And the scenarios differ everyday in my head

Sometimes I think what if it comes in a flash, an inch closer to my face and disappears before the light fully spreads. Just in time for me to see those red lips widen and see that foul flashing smile. I will surely scream. And scream a lot. The entire family will run from the neighbouring houses and I’ll just keep screaming “I saw, I saw something, God, there was someone here”, etc etc. But then I don’t know, my reactions are very different when the moment of crises comes in real. But I don’t see myself fainting

I will commit suicide if that ever happened

Sometimes I think what if, when I switch the lights on, it is already sitting on the sofa I sit every night. What if it has slung its shoulders in that lazy fashion over the wooden back and slowly raises its head up as I stand there, thunderstruck and numb with fear. And says something. Sometimes I think the voice will be raspy. Sometimes I picture it smooth and velvety

Sometimes I think what if, I am sitting peacefully, watching a sitcom over the laptop perched in front of me, same hall, same sofa, way into the night, a cloaked figure enters from the backrooms where nobody lives now. I go still at the sound of thick fabric rustling in near distance and it comes forth, and sits right by me. It’s head cocked in a mocking manner, eyebrow pinched up and that wicked smile etched again

cloaked

And tonight.. as I walk to switch the lights on once again. In my head, I see it standing by the door of the drawing-room. Midway, not coming in, not going back. A reluctant figure. He raises his head slowly and dejectedly. Looks me straight in the eye. And goes back. I don’t scream, I don’t faint. I don’t scream. I remove my hands from the row of switches and turn back to my room

I’d like to sleep tonight

lying in the forest

Some things are just not good for you, but are great for others

Anti social Fb crap

Social networks are great. Movie Theaters are great. Expensive restaurants are great. Less expensiveones are awesome. Going to them with friends is great. Making lots of friends is great. Talking is great. People and what they do is just..great

But I hate all of this and all of them. I despise it all. It makes the very gut of mine twist and turn and go purple.

We have this page on fb, that says “Humans of —(my college)” and all I see is pictures and quotes of bunch of *famous* people from our college and everyone acting as if they give a shit. I mean they are famous already now we have a page to celebrate them. Now I remember why I left fb. I don’t hate them, per say..but there is a limit to all the crap and pretending and lying we do everyday. Get real for once and get a life (it’s rich, coming from me)

I joined goodreads recently. And I don’t fancy it..much. It’s a social network of sorts and it’s great I agree. But everyone’s talking on it and I dunno, I feel like lost in a traffic with cars honking around me and I am standing amidst the clamour with no idea where to exit. Maybe we don’t like to know if a lot of people out there are better than us and are doing great or are just..there, maybe it’s just me. I value reading a lot. Books are all I had and have. My parents kept me away from people my entire life on strict purpose. My mom has this theory that children who take a lot of interest in affairs of elders end up as dumb, worthless, no-good boneheads.

And she has a lot of evidence to back it up

All my anti-social behaviour is credited to her and of-course my Dad.

And my sister

And my grandpa

And Thomas Hardy

It’s a lot of things that make us who we are. The childhood, the upbringing, the mommy daddy issues, our very nature, the experiences, the lack of experiences. We are not all bad. No matter how much people vex me, they all have wars of their own to fight. I respect that. And I esp respect the people who don’t pretend around me. If they don’t like me they don’t bother and in return I don’t help them out during the exam session

Na. I do…

I don’t blame them if they give me glares or act as if I’m invisible. It’s rude but who cares. I am weird too. I usually stick my tongue out at total strangers and glare at any guy who dares to step in one mile radius

Crazy is the new normal, ey =)

Im-not-Anti-Social

 

Hobbies aye : Embroidery

I did my first piece after doodling for two days! It’s not perfect,not even near perfect.. BUT I DID IT ! I borrowed thread from one Aunt, needle and scissors from another and hoop from distant neighbours. The only thing I own in the set up is the pen I used to draw and the cloth that was a leftover of my shirt and was about to be used as a kitchen rag

Here you go !

This was the first try to see if I can do the fern stitch at last or not

This was the first try to see if I can do the fern stitch at last or not. It’s not my thumb

 

Progress 1

I always carry out my hobbies near my laptop, which btw, goes by the name of Cassius

 

Proceeding.

Proceeding. (The colourful boxes is my shirt btw)

 

TA DA!

TA DA!

 

It's not bad for the first try =P YAAAAY

It’s not bad for the first try =P YAAAAY

“We can try to avoid making bad choices by doing nothing, but even that is a decision.”

Oh God.. I have made a lot of bad choices in my life. I have taken a lot of bad decisions. Sometimes it suddenly hits you in the face, and it hits you hard.. Why do I wanna change when I am what I am? Why do I wanna run away for people who don’t give squat? Why should I leave everything I have worked for and just try to find meaning in new things? This is what I am. I write sad I talk funny I draw bad and I run slow. Literally hundreds of people think this way and I feel like a flying lost shopping bag

I tried to give up writing..failed horribly. Gave up blogging. Then couldn’t live with the irritation. Tried to start it again..but you can’t make them same start-overs twice. We all get stuck sometimes. In that same monotonous babble of of our lives. But it’s all okay. Sometimes you need to feel all those small bumps to get back on track and do something. I can never sit still. I always have to do something

Sometimes Nature shows us the way, gives us things to choose from. Sometimes we find those ways ourselves. Roads less taken or not..every path leads somewhere. Every road has it’s bumps. Every writer goes through writers block and every house has bugs.

Faboo =D

Oggy-and-The-Cockroaches-Season-4-Wallpaper

 

 

 

I Can Never End What I Start

dog-looking-up-from-reading_zps100a8036

I just cannot. I don’t write to the end of a notebook, a journal, a rough register. I cannot keep a cellphone for more than 8 months before I get terribly bored of it. Or destroy the living hell out of it.Or lose it. Halfway watching a movie I remember something and whoosh I am off it. Midway reading a book I have this *Inspirational moment* that I put it down to write on that journal I will never write to the last page. The moment I know twenty pages are left…on to the new one. I am getting irritated of this habit now and I am not a good person to be with when I am irritated

I am not a good person to be with any time

So college is off. I wanna kill myself at home

So here’s the list of books I have read in the holidays uptil now and if I make a list of the books I might or I want to read.. I will never read them. If I tell someone I am reading a book while I am, I won’t complete it. If I tell someone that I like some friend, next day I’ll hate her

Gah..

1) My Uncle’s Dream Fyodor Dostoyevsky

2) The Sirens of Titan Kurt Vonnegut, Jr.

3) Three Men In A Boat Jerome k Jerome

4) Short Stories and poems and two plays of Oscar Wilde

Wonder why I left books to meet people =_= Now my brain’s all messed up and I have to fix the wiring again

anyways. Hail Kindle ! And that old bookshop that sold me that awesome edition of Oscar Wilde’s works

…although I couldn’t eat rest of the month.

Bloodsucker