Stood watching that blank paper
With girls screaming outside
Happiness, glee or madness
Nor I nor They could decide
While talks went loud and long
A word my pen didn’t say
They laughed themselves into oblivion
And I tore my paper away
I have been gone for over a month. Does it matter to you where I was and what I did? To me it does (of course). And the very fact you did not acknowledge my absence makes it even the more important to me.
Where was I all these winters? I was at a countryside, eating guavas and oranges. Living one day at a time, no internet..partially incommunicado. Just those books in my hand and that Sun on my back. As now I pack my clothes into this giant bag, I stand a moment and close my eyes, watching those days we all gathered around the fire as the fog outside chilled the entire environment and blinded everyone. It was too cliched, too fine, it was the stuff that made up our memories and haunted us as the dark times came. But they aren’t here as yet, and let’s not talk about them. Tomorrow I will go back to world, back to reality and a lot of work. A part of me wants to go back, face it all and a part wants to go sit in the Sun that shone after two days and read more of Vonnegut, pretending nothing else exists..
I have a lot of stories to tell and a lot of laughter to share. But all I am gonna do is..finish my packing, have a quick shower and go outside to pick my last guava. For I know, what does my happiness mean to you? =)
It’s funny what things we learn every second day. And how bold we become when we’ve got nothing to lose, how crass when we just don’t care, so absolutely brave when we accept the facts and how…utterly light when we are done facing the reality and moving on
I’ve found a new way of pushing people to their absolute edge. That is: Showing them the weird part of my brain. That absolute craziness I hide when I care, when I am afraid that I’ll end up screwing things up. But take that part away, and you’ve found utter and absolute …madness
Because…once you’re past a moment in your life..you’re done. Gone. Over. Once you accept the actual thing. Accept what you really are and cast aside the petty notions of what you wanted to become, those images you tried to mirror, those standards you tried to live up to, those illusions you had shrouded yourself in..world is a whole different place. I am not saying quit trying to be better or to be achieve something..all I am saying is I’d rather be a psycho with fifteen sneakers in my closet than a washed up imitation of a pompous know it all.
And if I get that response, that true reaction when the other person, instead of running away to the other direction when I blurt the glaring truth, stays and bares those completely idiotic moments of their life, comfortable because..hell, they’re talking to someone way screwed up…the entire moment turns into such a fun memory they’ll remember for years. No judgement, no, nothing. The air is suddenly lighter and the blanket a little bit warmer
And when I find those who live in their sane worlds with their normal lives and believe they can make it with me…
Loosen up or run..
You’ve been warned =P
I got up with sun stinging my eyes, someone banging at some door and my bladder threatening to burst. I woke up gruntled and went out. Took me a whole minute to recognize the fact that all my friends had gone to brunch and it was a whopping 12 26 pm
So by this time, the cafe downstairs would be closed for the breakfast crowd, I was out of cereal and all I had were three bananas. Well, that wasn’t so bad. I plugged in my wifi, brushed my teeth and washed my face, which I then remembered, I hadn’t washed for two days. Stuffed the bananas in my mouth. Cleaned my room, did my dishes..and here I am, sitting in my bed with sun shining so pretty, warming up the cold in my fingers
Another year of Medicine gone. I hope I make it through Pharma. Right now there is an eerie silence in my corridor and I am trying to arrange my thoughts. I am going to go outside, chose a corner and finish the book I am reading. It was my birthday last week and I didn’t even have the time to sit somewhere and mope about it. It’s the perfect day today. Everyone is their own worlds. The ones they prefer, the ones where I never truly am gonna fit it. Sometimes we try hard, trying to belong to a shiny, outwardly cheery happy place but the fact remains some of us are just not like that.
Years will go by, everything will change but the very core of our very being drags us back to what we became, or chose to become, long long while ago.
So let it be today =)
There’s a little something I call…Back To Basics. It is basically the assumption that we all become that one person in our life when we are, about somethings in ourselves, all we could be. And it happens when we are young. And then times pass we grow up. Incorporate all those changes and experience in us..but then again..comes a point once or more, when we slowly revert back to that place and pretty much become that person lost somewhere deep in the synapses of our brain and the layers of our skin. I don’t know.
I was sitting with Kate on the entrance steps, we both were wearing the most casual, really old, ready-to-be-torn-next-time-we-wear-it clothes, weather hot and stuffy, books surrounding us, laughing at a sudden thing that’ll pop up from some drug, reminding us one thing or the other. And pretty much making a mockery of everything Pharmacology stands for..
And I loved it. I came back, dropped my books on the floor and fell face down on the bed. My long legs dangling over the edge and welcoming the breeze from the window over my sweaty back.
There are a lot of things that dictate our existence and our personalities. Wanting something doesn’t mean it’s right for us or it will stick. Some people are meant to be a little different, a little alone, a little sad and a little crazy. Call it cowardly explanations but sometimes these are the only answers there are.
So tonight when Kate asked me why I wouldn’t text back to my little cousin who, Kate doesn’t know, used to be my best sister before she moved away to a whole new country with her family and went on being even happier than she ever was with a lame old soul like mine..
..all I could say was..aye..she’s better off without me
I live next door to a beautiful paranoid brainiac. So the tale goes this way that she had a mild skin reaction on her neck. It was mild at first, but then it turned into this monster that attacked parts of her face. Next thing we know, there are screams and paranoia everywhere =D
We all love her, the entire corridor, btw (in case she reads this post and something offends her and kills me in the middle of the night). So she went to see this doctor at the hospital.
Being popular does a weird thing to people. So does money. And if you have both of them..boy, it is a disaster. So he prescribed him a measly Calamine lotion without proper checkup. And let me remind you again, our exams are close and this dermatitis was really getting on Quiana’s nerves and..on mine too =D (again, I love you Q)
So. Week went by, but the doctor said..no..no… Calamine is the way to go. For those who do not know, Calamine and zinc oxide lotion is commonly used to relieve pain and itching from poison ivy, poison oak, poison sumac, sunburns, rashes, and insect bites. Calamine and zinc oxide also helps dry oozing and weeping caused from ivy, oak, and sumac poisons.
Where the hell would our Quiana get hold of poison oak and ivy? The girl is the sweetest person alive with no general attraction towards leaning on trees and smelling grass =_=
And Quiana’s neck got worse. And boy,were we angry at the doctor
So..at last, when Quiana could take it no longer and the rash had now spread all across, toward her shoulders and a bit south (I’m guessing), she decided to visit a private clinic and viola.. a pile of money, half an hour and bucket full of ointments and drugs and two days later.. The rash almost disappeared and Quiana lived happily ever after
And the whole incident..just brought me down. I am not saying I doubt the medical opinion of docs and that I know more, I just hated myself for that one moment when I thought I might become that doctor one day..and I might have a bunch of people hating me for not caring and wasting all this study and resources for…nothing. Nothing. I do not wanna work in a private clinic (no matter what my parents say) I wanna work at a decent Government hospital. But I do not wanna become one of those people who lose the good decent stuff in them as money and fame comes and time passes.
I am not walking, I am just sitting by the side and gazing far ahead. All I see is..this road. This beautiful road. Flattened by the pressure of so many who have walked across it. Day in and day out. Forward or backwards. Carrying all the weight of their worlds on their shoulders. Such a poetic path. Such an elegant lane. It bends every which way, disappears in the dirt sometime, breaks down and mends again. I see it, then I don’t and then it emerges again.
And I see them walking across too, the flesh that shuffles ahead and the soul that quietly follows. The noises in the silence vibrate through the concrete that sits and the dirt that blows. I put my palm lightly over the concrete, wary of the secrets and pain it might hold. But the stubborn hardness reveals nothing while the wind screams away in my head. The questions ring through the ground and the answers blow away.
I wanna step on this road too, walk across the footsteps of so many who came before me, and disappear like they did. Leave my mark on the ground that won’t talk and give my silence to wind that won’t stay
Some other day, some other day =)