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I’m A Jigsaw

jigsaw with missing pieces

I am not a whole person, I am a jigsaw. A puzzle put together by so many. Authors, singers, thinkers, torturers, actors, liars, lovers. I am not one, but a collage made with bits and pieces of the bad and the best. I am not one man, nor am one woman. Nor one kid, nor one adult. No thought of mine is original, it’s borrowed by those who thought it before me, nor are the words I use, the feelings I have. All taken, founded; never created. Pull on a string and I unravel into a million shades, a tightly wound ball of multi-colour wool with tangled knots and fraying edges.

I am a jigsaw, with pieces missing. I am not one person. Nor do I pretend to be.

 

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The Android Post

I’m sitting in my class right now, bored out of my skull, finding new blogs to read on the android app, which ate two of my posts on the tab last evening as they wouldn’t get posted and pushed me into fits of rage.

Anyways

I seldom miss the “good old days” for I believe future is always better than the past and it is stupid to talk about *getting my childhood back* and the associated crap. Better be wiser if not happier

But there is one thing I do miss, my tiny social circle full of people I really was impressed of and relished spending time with. And those were the times Facebook and WordPress were a hell of fun. And I actually *wasted time* there.

Then we all got busy and grew up and left =/ me included. I became one hell of an introvert again, borderlining into severe misanthropy. And here I am. Once again

Well. No complaints though. Whatever happens, happens. There comes a serenity in acceptance of one’s true nature. Still, it’s a big world. You’re free to be whoever you wish to be

…Though I wouldn’t change you even a little bit

Sayonara =)

 
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Posted by on May 23, 2015 in Balderdash Thoughts

 

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Que sera sera..

hair in air

Sometimes I feel I am way too old to be whining about friends. The moment I start my brain back-flips as the same thoughts hit me and it feels so tiring to go round and round the same circle. I literally feel a bolus of vomit stuck in my gut and one in my head. Just wanting..out

Same exact people, acting in the same juvenile fashion. If I stay with them, I feel nauseated. If they ignore me, I feel angry and left out; when I am with them, I simply cannot wait to get away. And the cycle goes on and on until my brain starts to hurt and I give up. And I crash. And then something happens, and I am back on the same road.

And as far as I remember, this is exactly how things have been with every friend I have ever been with. I like them, then I hate them, then I like them. Sometimes all of their faces blend together when I look back. My personality brings out the exact same pattern in their behaviour. They are always there but they can’t never really get to know me. And why the hell would they try? Anne stuck around, she is like..my soul sister. But I went through hell to get to a point where her presence or absence doesn’t hurt me. She stays, I am happy (so happy), she leaves, I barely look. It’s comfortable between us. Because, comfortable distance always works for me. And it also has to do with the fact that she has the most tolerable and amazing personality. Ever heard, nay dreamed, of that breathtaking beauty, those cool brilliant brains and that gentle understanding soul in one person? Well that’s her.

My only concern is the strangulating effect of these interactions. I don’t want to be crippled by my own emotions. I don’t want my decisions to be dictated by how I feel about a particular matter. I call these my *out-of-body experiences*, when I look at a person as a whole. Not how they affect me, but how they actually are.

It’s a pretty nice feeling, actually. But to get to a point where one day their existence will have no affect on me in entire sense of the word, I have yet a very, very long and tortuous path to walk.

Till then. Que sera sera..

queserasera

Que sera sera (what will be, will be)

 

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It’s No Treat Being In My Head

I bunked college today to come back early because I couldn’t take a minute more of the pointless droll my Professor was trying to sell (offense intended). Stopped at the bakery to get bread for my friend, had a tiff with a cab driver, came back and stuffed myself with food and regretted it the moment I took the last bite and felt as if I would explode. Bad choice, Haib.

(I can hear my stomach hating me)

So. Self Indulgence time

My research proposal is STUCK. And that adds up to a clutter in my head and it keeps bugging me all the time. All the time. Like a fork jammed in my head. All these things felt so good a month ago, when I was jumping up and down for getting in the Electives Program (Psychology) at a very respected Institute and when my research synopsis was formed and now they won’t return my email about..something, time is moving on like hell and the moment I shut Goljan Pathology and ask myself a question I rush to the window to throw myself off it. And then there was this Tobacco Presentation I wanted to make but lost all heart for it. I can never force myself to do anything. It comes out wrong and I am control freak. Jack of all trades, Master of none is kind of not what I am going for =/. I am just gonna focus on the important things and try to keep the mess in my head to the minimum.

Honestly speaking…I don’t really mind. I like having challenges to face. Problems to tackle. It’s better than sitting in that lecture hall of mine, trying hard to keep my eyes open, listening to the History of Polio Vaccine and why IPV is different from OPV…I don’t mind history or polio..I just can’t fathom the tone, that boring, monotonous tone that sucks the living soul out of me.. (offense intended)

With that being said, I am gonna go lie flat on the floor and read Dostoevsky. Then I am gonna fall asleep over there and wake up with a very stiff back but well…with those Russian dudes, I really don’t mind =D I just hope no bug crawls into my ear and eats its way to my brain. O_O

Btw..It has been four years with this blog. Happy Anniversary to me =)

Au revoir ! 

problem_solved

 
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Posted by on April 24, 2015 in Curriculum Vitae, Medicine: Year 4

 

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“Those who hate most fervently must have once loved deeply; those who want to deny the world must have once embraced what they now set on fire”

How do you tell someone that you hate them? Look them straight in the eye and blurt out that you despise their very existence? How do you say, that their pettiness bores you, that their presence brings you no charm, nothing at all. That it is worse that being numb, worse than being paralyzed..worse than being in a coma itself.

You sleep on it, you pack your bags and go on a trip. You cut all modes of communication. Anything that would change how you feel. You meditate. You learn about spirit and you learn about life, you cleanse your body and soul and just as you return from that godforsaken journey..a blow smashes into your gut and makes you double. Nothing has changed. You feel exactly the same, those faces provoke the same exact feelings, those exact feelings of disgust, anger and loathing. Them you loved for so long have a such a distorted image now, you don’t see them anymore.  A despicable numbness spreads all over your body and you run out, gasping for air

 

What do you do, ey? What do you do now?

 

(Title: Quote by Kurt Tucholsky )

 
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Posted by on April 12, 2015 in Balderdash Thoughts

 

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All that is gold does not glitter, Not all those who wander are lost;

All that is gold does not glitter,
Not all those who wander are lost;
The old that is strong does not wither,
Deep roots are not reached by the frost.

From the ashes a fire shall be woken,
A light from the shadows shall spring;
Renewed shall be blade that was broken,
The crownless again shall be king

Oh we all have that mopey part in us at one or more point in our life questioning our existence and belonging and blah blah blah blah blah. It’s really neat, I wish my cousin had the same quest in him, that kid just ate all my french fries without so much as a how-do-you-do and questioned me for 15 minutes about the composition and mechanism of production of fart.

So I question myself. Where are my roots? I was born somewhere else, bred somewhere else, studied at one place and then the other, my house is in another area I live somewhere else and then college started and off I flew. Exciting, no?

Now what?

So I choose to study and work in another country now. Scary, right? So that is my quest now. Whether I lose or get there is another story. So from here on-wards, this is what this blog is about, because that is what my life is gonna be about.

Having a purpose to live is a neat thing. And I have missed it

Cheers!

Flying dog, Happy

 

(Title and Stanza:  J.R.R. Tolkien The Fellowship of the Ring )

 
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Posted by on April 5, 2015 in Curriculum Vitae

 

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Wheels on the bus go round and round..

cat-Artful-Dodger_2085377b

Time passes. There are all sorts of clichéd ways to say it. But the fact remains ey, it passes. Simply and truly

I was taking the bus ride to home yesterday and I knew I would not be the same after this very moment. It would pass and it would be gone. I felt the same way when I was going to apply for Medical three years ago. I felt that slight terror and sense of a new horizon as I filled out that form. Funny, I felt that slight trembling and quickening of heartbeat all the years I went to school, the day I found out I could write, the day I met the one person I could really see, the one day I gave my first speech, the day I first wrote and acted in a play. I had the same feeling when I stopped doing all of that. Became more virtual than real. The same exact feeling when my kids went to America, one by one

And as I got off the bus, and saw my mother, my sick, worn out mother, as I talked to my kid growing so fast that I can barely recognize her, I feel the same rapid heartbeat. As if I’m standing on the crossroads and I need to make a choice again. Crossroads are one of the most thrilling parts of my life. I cherish when they arrive. Pain happiness love hate, it’s all overrated. It all passes but the regret of the wrong decision remains. And I’ve made my mind

 

A big part of my life has begun. I feel as if I have waken up after sleeping for a long while. I have so many things to do. Exams to prepare for, not just regular exams, exams I care about. I have research, electives, courses, conferences etc to attend. It’s a whole new journey. It’s just like first day I decided to make a blog, the first day I decided to just, let go. I knew things would change

And they change again as I commit to a new horizon

We’ll see

skipping away

 
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Posted by on March 30, 2015 in Balderdash Thoughts