To be or not to be

thunder and clouds

“Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn’t it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life…You give them a piece of you. They didn’t ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn’t your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like ‘maybe we should be just friends’ turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It’s a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love.”

 

Neil Gaiman

Crappy..

I have five minutes to type this and by God I am gonna say it. I am a very territorial person. And yes, the rules I have are the rules I will obey. You know one thing about me? I don’t infiltrate worlds. Even of my best friend. I respect boundaries, I respect privacy. But then I want the same deal. I don’t butt in your group of friends and I have, by no means, any intention to do that. But if you try poke your leg into my own world

Honey I will kill you

Life without exceptions

That’s how I live it now

Exceptions, mind you. All my life I have been.. a tad introvert. Not my fault nor do I complain, I was bred this way and I am so set in my own ways. It was very difficult to make friends in old times but slowly I got over it. I still cringe from large groups. A small tight group of friends. Meanwhile now I can talk to….anyone

But all my life I kept a lot of things to myself. Not my fault, me and my parents are two entirely different entities and mom never shared her pain with me and I never learned how to do it myself.. and my sister died.. my grandpa died.. everyone closer to my heart left before I understood a lot about myself and the world. I always had one or two people I called the exceptions.. No matter what rules I have in my life.. I will break it for them.. no matter how much I run away from the world I will not turn my back on them. I might ban the whole world to my heart but when a close friend will ask me what’s wrong.. I will talk.. They were exceptions to the sensitive personality I still posses, and saved myself from a lot of hurt.

Back in the old times, I had a lot of exceptions..

But then.. I stopped.. stopped giving people chances after they broke my heart once, twice, thrice. Stopped talking if they cut in once, twice, thrice.. so on and so forth. And now I sit here, amongst a wall of books, wrapped in a maroon shawl with cold hands and with… so many friends.. I am the local clown for God’s sake.. I can make people laugh with a bam ! There was time I would cry over a stupid thing and yesterday when a friend found out that I was quite unstable after a viva the other day…. she was taken aback… Haibar.. you.. can cry?

It’s nothing to be proud of but still..it was so ironic…

I don’t make exceptions anymore.. The more the days go by the more comical and sarcastic I become. Like the walls keep forming around me and I bloody don’t mind.. It’s like I am far far far away from all those people I once loved and you know what..it’s their fault.. you leave a friend alone in a crowd and expect her to be the same at the end of the day when she had to fight all the stuff herself when she knew she had a friend nearby? Being alone all by yourself is another thing and to be deliberately left out is completely different. It hurts more

But still..flashes of me remain. I will still leave everything if you call for help. Even if not.. passing in the hallway I will give you a smile as pure as the ray of light. But then..gone are the days I broke promises with myself.. If I am gone. I am dead. The dead may have ghosts about them but you can’t touch the heart in them anymore.. That went with the blood and flesh when the heart stopped beating… The heart you broke..

Once..twice..so many times..

No.. Not again

Worst viva ever. Worst day ever. I hate everyone in the vicinity. What is the use of working all day long and all those nights and all that CRAP when I am gonna be stuck at the SCAPULAR ANASTOMOSIS! IS THIS THAT WHAT THE UPPER LIMB IS ALL ABOUT?????

Lord. I am so angry. I have an ospe within an hour or so with table spotting of all structures and radio-graphs and blah blah blah blah blah. I don’t even feel like going. I feel like setting the whole anatomy department on fire. I don’t even care if any Professor reads this post. YOU SUCK!

I HATE YOU ANATOMY! EVERY LIMB EVERY NERVE EVERY ARTERY EVERY DAMN ANASTOMOSES!

DON’T MAKE ME GO CRAZY! I WAS NEVER A ROTE LEARNER!

I think I am better off with physiology. At least things make sense. I swear I am never gonna respect nor care about anatomy ever again if I fail. I swear to God my hatred will never go.I have never failed in a a real subject, in a real test, in a real paper. ALLAH G!

Hate you anatomy. Hate you crazy Professors. I give yer the curse of constipation. Go have fun

Hell

Severe apologies for the last post.Ill constructed load of crap. I don’t know what happens to me at times and now a days all I do is bottle anger and irritation inside. Not a great excuse but

Hell

So today I am free! Four weeks of non stop papers I am so finally free! And now I can sit and complete my practical manuals and pack my bag because hey! I am going home tomorrow!

Gosh I miss blogging

And I hate not having a second to read what my favourite people in the world have to write!

And I miss mom and uncles and the scent of wood-fire back home.

Plus I am running short of money =P

You know, sometimes stuff just seems to end. All your happiness and content seems to run stale. I can’t say about others but for me every second of my life tells me something. I learn in every breath I take and every move I make.. (Did I just quote a song?) Maybe I don’t see much. Don’t see stuff Lord wants me to see but still sometimes things are so much to absorb that I just wanna lay down on my mattress and just let it sink in so hard and so deep. Again I am talking about stuff everyone says is balderdash and totally alien. Hell. It’s not. I just say in that crooked and mosaic manner.

I am crazy, but then who isn’t?

So what else can I write before my time runs out… hmmm

Yeah. I’ve become strangely.. independent. I run around the whole world as if my own. Jee. It scares me at times but I have always always wanted this aye!

Becoming a doctor… I have come across a great degree of selfishness in colleagues around me. But hell, every second person now a days is dripping with self indulgence. I mean it really irritates me that if you become selfish on who gets to have this first who gets to have that first, hurting people so freely and unknowingly.. how the hell will you try cure or treat people? I mean if it’s for sheer money then go ahead… dissect their kidneys out and sell them..

I naturally run from people who irritate me now. I have enough papers and subjects and Professors and stuff to knock the hell out of me

Well. I have nothing more to say but stare at the girl who just entered the lab. She’s wearing bright green and it’s stinging my eyes.

A Minor Bird

I have wished a bird would fly away,
And not sing by my house all day;

Have clapped my hands at him from the door
When it seemed as if I could bear no more.

The fault must partly have been in me.
The bird was not to blame for his key.

And of course there must be something wrong
In wanting to silence any song.

Robert Frost

I glued the broken mirror

It’s us. It’s me. We all have a whole world situated in us or maybe our world is us ourselves. It’s too ironic, it’s too strange, too captivating. The variety of emotions we possess. The amount of them we let free. The persona we develop. And the.. the destiny

What am I? What do I really know? What percentage of life and destiny do I really understand? What part do you understand? Why do I even ponder on it? Why do we all? What’s the true meaning and reason of our actions? How much do they affect us and the people around us? Why what’s the problem with me…

It’s a mess. We all make so many mistakes and the losses stay with many of us. And we all live in future; whether it is the Sapien nature or what but it is always the future. We live for future. I do. Every second I live in pain I say there will be a better tomorrow. With every person backstabbing me I still trust that someone someday truly won’t. With every fake relation, I trust in another to prove me wrong that one day ONE DAY I will be paid off. One day the circle of life will be completed. I can’t really hope but why don’t I just stop wishing.. Why don’t I? Why don’t so many people I know. I feel like a mad person telling others to hope and trust and blablablablah. When deep down I wanna scream unto their faces. IF IT HASN’T HAPPENED, TRUST ME IT WON’T

I have a distant friend whose dad left her mom and married some psycho damsel in distress. She told me everything yet I was then a masked stranger, She said what every reeking person says to me, “You understand, As if you knew the pain” No dude I never did. Overtime she used to say that one day, one day, her dad will come back to her mom. But.. no.. if once you lose someone… Buddy you lose them forever… I wish I could see straight in her eyes and tell her so. Tell her to.. move on. The future she’s awaiting will never be like the one she dreams. It seldom is. You have to be very lucky for that…. and are we really so?

Me? I’m losing hope. No more search for love. If it’s there. It will find me. If not.. I think I pretty much have learned how to survive…

What a great liar have I become….

.Dated: 15 Oct 2011

Anger: Thou cometh again

Indignation and anger. They are the things that have the power to unleash all the suppressed feelings I possess. They have the ability to charge each and every pore of my body and flush my fair cheeks scarlet. I can feel blood rushing to my face and the adrenaline surge clearing my view. I am angry and times are gone I let it in and run away or give up. Yes, it is not worth it. Every person is not worth being given a dose of Haibar at the peak of indignation . Karma is enough a friend. What goes around comes around. I am a writer. I am proud of it. I can write my frustration away while you can suck on it

I was right. I am right. I always leave space, a large space, for anyone else’s thoughts. Why? This is a big world and I do not live alone. I don’t want to. Twice in my life I have made the mistake to let my work seen by the totally close minded, or stuck up. Because we have been writing and reading and talking and being talked to or with for a long time does not make us the supreme ruler, nor does it give us the authority to say anything anywhere. There is no limit to learning. No limit to learn from others. But pardonne me, this road runs two ways.

Learn to respect others and what they have to say. If you find anything wrong, humbly point it. Nobody is going to listen if you act and talk crap. Everyone is not Mommy daddy or Uncle auntie. Nor is everyone a friend. If you want to be respected, learn the verb and noun yourself

And don’t judge me till you don’t know me. I am the most humble person on Earth. But when the rotation goes counter-clockwise, I no longer stay quiet

Jee, now that I have written it. My heart is as clean as it was, I hate fighting back. Makes me weary and tired. Makes me someone I am not. From the core of me, I am not brutal nor am I a pay-backer. But when I have to, I fight alone

Was born and bred that way…

Yeah, I am busting and you want me to add a title


You see I am just staring. Just staring at the screen. Pausing after typing every second word. Fighting off all that is boiling to just burst its way out of me. Biting back my tongue and breathing deep, just enough to evade an anger attack. I have said this before. Don’t piss me don’t offend me. You have no idea what anger does to me.

And yes, again it is thrashing its way through me threatening to blow my arms away. I hate this pain. I hate every stupid single thing at the moment. This is not the cheery understanding or the good me. This is the part of me that exists only to destroy me. And frankly and so ironically speaking, I let it

I don’t need stupid old speeches. Let me be in my situation I will get over it. I have made all those rants. I know it all. If not much, that enough to crawl into the darkness and curl into a pathetic ball while you live a life in which I don’t exist. I want to kill you with my bare hands.. I really want to kill someone.

Well, sounds so brutal but hell I am not one bit like that. My friend says any of these days I’ll snap into a werewolf (my furry little problem). Phuff

If you don’t want me around.. I will never poke in your life and try being a part of it. Just trust me that one bit. And drop that small penknife you have in your hands. I have been bruised by bigger tools.. Leave the small patches left in my heart. It does you no harm by beating that faintly. You can’t even hear it Sir.

A bubble went pop..

At last I got a moment for myself, cousins working on their tests. Mom and the rest out for dinner and I with a borrowed usb.

I was jumping, bobbing up and down on my heels. A long travel tale already formulated in my mind. Buzzed my pc start, hit the e-mails. One glance, there pops my bubble

Who misses me? None

My inbox was flowing with all sorts of mails and notifications. They don’t matter. So what if some so and so commented on some so and so I wrote some while ago. Not even one stinking mail from a friend. Not even Stance. No one. I think it’s time I restrict my care and my.. what shall I say.. devotion?

I.. think of my friends all the time. ALL the time.. and honestly speaking if I care for you.. I will and so completely will show. If a friend goes on with you, you don’t turn your back because you are bored or uncertain of your feelings, it’s a friend, my folks. And it is just a friend required

Everything just.. pops. As if I was unaware of a hole and my enthusiasm just leaked through it, I oblivious to the fact sat there. In front of this rectangular screen, feeling utterly and thoroughly defeated. All that happiness I felt today all that energy to tell my friends all the story about the hills the mountains the tiring journey and the most handsome people I saw.. All lost. All gone. Maybe someday when I get the spark of joy from somewhere.. I’ll reconstruct the scenario.

The best line of the journey that came into my mind while hearing Time of Your Life on the bus was “What can be better than slumping on a comfy seat, listening to your favourite music and talking to your best friend in the world?” Nothing my folks. Maybe nothing…

Just as I bid my pc sleep, I remembered few lines from a book and sighed. My friends love me because of what I am.. I have to learn to love them as what they are. Not what I want them to be. I can’t expect the world to run my way.. I never do.. The exceptions.. ouch they have always hurt

It’s just. Huh. I have nothing to say. Just I’ll retire to my bed and rethink how I act. It might be another week till I get a decent connection. With the feeling I encountered today.. I don’t care even if it take months…