“It was not so much that he was shut out, but that she was trapped inside”

phone in bus

SO my friend sends me sends me an audio message this morning about how de-sensitized he thinks he has become for a period of time, how disconnected from everything and distant from everyone. I listen to the message, my upper lip curls and look around for a while.

I don’t remember the last time I felt connected to anyone, by anyone I mean ANYone. Now that I think about it, the last person I felt really in tune with was my sister and it has been a long while since she has gone. I don’t remember sharing a really worthwhile conversation for a long time, I don’t remember being absolutely happy or being utterly sad. A few weeks earlier my cousin said I really was dead inside. I haven’t found a book to die for in months. Haven’t had the stomach to watch an entire movie in one setting for over a year. The really, really weird psychologist I worked with for my internship tried shooting all kinds of darts in my direction, calling me an introvert, saying I never shared anything personal with the group the entire time blah blah blah and right now as the only friends I have in my college leave me to go out, I so wish I at least felt bad at not being included, or that the way I and Bubbly have drifted apart would affect me a little, or that sometimes it would give me a sting thinking how absolutely shrunken has my world become and that maybe I would breakdown thinking my mom would die any day now… but no. I feel nothing.
So what do I tell him?

Reality Awaits

Luggage left

I have been gone for over a month. Does it matter to you where I was and what I did? To me it does (of course). And the very fact you did not acknowledge my absence makes it even the more important to me.

Where was I all these winters? I was at a countryside, eating guavas and oranges. Living one day at a time, no internet..partially incommunicado. Just those books in my hand and that Sun on my back. As now I pack my clothes into this giant bag, I stand a moment and close my eyes, watching those days we all gathered around the fire as the fog outside chilled the entire environment and blinded everyone. It was too cliched, too fine, it was the stuff that made up our memories and haunted us as the dark times came. But they aren’t here as yet, and let’s not talk about them. Tomorrow I will go back to world, back to reality and a lot of work. A part of me wants to go back, face it all and a part wants to go sit in the Sun that shone after two days and read more of Vonnegut, pretending nothing else exists..

I have a lot of stories to tell and a lot of laughter to share. But all I am gonna do is..finish my packing, have a quick shower and go outside to pick my last guava. For I know, what does my happiness mean to you? =)

Guava tree

And I do have a distant friend

I have said a lot about wind, talked ample about her. Every thing I create, everything I feel, There has to be wind. There has to be something having even the remote relationship to her. To My friend who whispers through it

And I am back again, to pursue the topic. I get up early the other day, go upstairs to unlock the doors. Instead I open and step onto the roof of a house my dad grew up in. It is so cool, so much better than the sweltering suffocation downstairs. I just step out and shrug my shoulders. It feels cold, dressed up in the worn out clothes I am. Who cares

I look around, making sure nobody is up on their rooftop. I sit, so nicely shielded, on a raised step. I think about nothing. Nothing at all. All the crap I will be going through all that has been happening blah blah part of life so what. My eyes are wide, twice their ‘usual’. The oil well of a face is cool. I raise my face to the air and close my eyes. Five minutes or three. She is there

I feel like a gypsy now. Wind unhinging every pore of my body exposed. Skin of the neck and the face tingle as she brushes past. I wanna fly away with it. I want to move away, see what she sees, go where she goes. If I let these thoughts lead me all over I might one day go away after it, with it. But aye. I always say..Love doesn’t bring you to disgrace. Love doesn’t lead you astray.. . It’s not love when you do

I feel intact, I am not slipping away. Not going mad. Not going crazy. Just held to the ground. Held to the cement floor and feeling cold. Cold isn’t bad. For now. These are the times when I feel privileged. I thank God for feeling what everyone cannot. I humble meagre human I may be and I so truly am. Under the eyelids all I see is frost. White frosty colour clings to my mind at the time. She brushes me again and I bury my face in my hands, away from her. She still strikes my hands, as if gently pulling them away.

This is all in my head, there is nothing significant about frost colour, there is no wind waiting for me. There is no monster and no saviour. There is no Jacob there is no Ian. There is no Conor and no Audrey. No Sebastian and.. ha no Leah. There is.. no Eustachia.. aye

But I can hear her, feel her around. I can see the colours. I know the monster, There is Jacob. Ian has died. Conor is in pain. Audrey does watch over him. Sebastian will find Leah. Leah will board the train everyday. I can feel Eustachia. I so severely do

I smile, And face the wind again. If I let go these metaphors these images. A lot of me will cease to be. I don’t merge imagination and reality. So for now I look at the heavens and make images in the clouds. I am just a normal person. Just someone lost in a crowd. Things are only as real as we consider them to be. Savvy =P

Sleep well, My Angel

And yes..I see him. My God I see him. Staring at the ceiling, eyes empty. I see his quilt lying on the edge of the bed, neatly folded. He doesn’t care. I had taken it all away. His laughter, his smiles. Everything he had, gone or replaced by the memories of a friend he could not meet anymore. Everything lost because of a healer that couldn’t cure anymore. Heart that didn’t beat anymore.. voice not heard anymore

Watching you sleep for so long,
Knowing I can’t turn the rain into sun any more
I’ve given you all that I have,
Now I stand here, too scared to hold your hand.

He will never admit the pain that was a part of him now. I never knew I had become a part of him. I don’t give you strength anymore, you hear me? Conor I don’t do anything but break you anymore. I know that gaping whole I left in your life.. I never wanted to be replaced but the change it has brought in you.. It burns my soul. Rips it apart as every memory stings you. It stings Con, you have to go on. Leave me behind. Let me go

Afraid you might wake to see
The monster that had to leave

You still remember me. You still haven’t move on. You still think of all I ever said, all I ever did. But you forgot.. You were my angel.. you were the one who gave me hope.. you were the one who taught me how to live with pain. Con.. you were the one who helped me breathe. It was you all along. I am here, because of you. It was the life you lived and the time you spent that made me what I was. I don’t care about my pain, I never did. Seeing you in one.. I wish I never existed.. Oh I wish I never did..

‘Cause you see the shelter as the storm
Holding wind to keep you warm,
You are everything to me, this is why I have to leave,
So sleep well my angel.

Yes.. I confess to the winds as you do. I scream to the waters as you do. You are not with me and the world still holds, You are in pain yet my soul persists. You can’t give up. So what if I am not with you? You will live. You promised me.You are not a coward. We have to let go, all those memories and all those times we spent together, the worst thing our friendship could do is cause this pain. And it is doing so. No.. Con.. Stop. Go away. Burn everything that reminds you of me, leave this place, go away, go away

Under the ash and the lies,
Something beautiful once here now dies,
And the tears burn my eyes,
As you sit there, all alone.
I just want to come home,

It’s not like I don’t want to come back, it is not like I don’t peek.. I loved you. I wish we could sit on that pavement again.. and I tell you my stories. I wish I could pout and wait for you to say sorry. I wish I could hit you on head again. I knew I had to go. I kept wishing the day never came. I was wishing that I survive. You know.. I also thought we’d be friends forever.. I also thought I’ll never leave your side….

But you see the shelter as the storm,
Holding wind to keep you warm,
You are everything to me, this is why I have to leave,
So sleep well my angel.
Sleep well, my angel.

I’m sorry
I’m sorry
I’m sorry
I’m sorry

Looking through this window, looking at a friend long lost, gives you nothing. Staring straight and not able to cry. Leaves you with no good. But do I care what I look like? Do I care about myself? I see, with these blasted eyes of mine, him dessicated and withered. I always thought I’ll be lost soon after I went. I feared if I ever ran away, I will never be followed.. But the pain it causes you… I wish I never knew you. I wish you never cried all those tears for me. I wish I could sit and take it all. I wish I could take all those memories away from you.. Oh I wish I could take you away..

You see the shelter as the storm,
Holding wind to keep you warm,
YOu are everything to me, this is why I have to leave
So sleep well, my angel.

Sleep well, my angel. I turn and flap my wings, Soul in torment, I, in a world dark. I look at the moon and take off. There was nothing I can do.. I, dead and I going. Lord take me away..

Audrey?

When she’s gone. Remember, you once loved her

You can shed tears that she is gone, 
or you can smile because she has lived.
You can close your eyes and pray that she’ll come back,
or you can open your eyes and see all she’s left.
Your heart can be empty because you can’t see her,
or you can be full of the love you shared.
You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday, 
or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday.
You can remember her only that she is gone,
or you can cherish her memory and let it live on.
You can cry and close your mind, 
be empty and turn your back.
Or you can do what she’d want:
smile, open your eyes, love and go on

Sitting alone, looking peaceful.. gives you no good. But do I care what I look like? I am here, with warm humid sea winds ruffling my hair. Do I care what does the world think about me? Do I care if they stare at me, click their tongues impatiently and give those sympathetic remarks? The only thing I knew was that she was gone.. and the world would never be the same..

It has been a month since Audrey died. A month has passed away and yet my heart beat persists. A month has gone by and yet..yet I breathe. I considered ending it and running forward to meet her but I know she’ll lift those disappointed eyes.. Coward. If living in this brooding pain makes me any braver than hey Audrey.. hey I am far more braver than the friend you left behind…

The wind rushes past me and stings my eyes… I stare straight. She lived so much.. she lived her life away with me.. Maybe the people who have to leave early share a lot with us…Giving us so much to hold on later. I remember her.. That oxygen mask clamped to her face and that IV deep into her vessels.. I can see her strapped in that ward.. I can picture her so clearly… how she removed the mask as I came to her, not caring that her breath got uneven. She had looked deep into my eyes.. her gaze filled with apology… filled with uncertain guilt. At that time.. at the time of her leaving to the silent side… She was.. apologizing?

Why.. why Audrey.. I know you never told me about your cancer.. But why did you look at me like that? Why did you, in that broken voice, leave me your diaries..? You know I never was one of those strong people.. You knew me.. You were the one who mended me. And yet you gave me all that stuff I’ll never have the courage to even hold steadily

I miss you. Oh yes. Everything I do.. in every thought I possess, It’s you. People tell me to move on.. What do they mean hah? Forgetting you? I can’t do that. I don’t mourn. I just.. miss you. I don’t ask you back.. I don’t pray for the impossible. I don’t stammer at your mention. I don’t cry for you in front of everyone.. That Joe you liked… he already is out for someone. That brother of yours, gone Audrey. That high school friend you cared so much for.. She didn’t even come on the funeral. Nobody mentions you anymore.. some may remember you. But none like me.. never like me

I don’t know what to say, what to do.. every moment I spent thinking about you gives me air. Gives me strength. As if I am paying you back for all that love you gave me. You know.. I thought we’d be friends forever.. I thought you’d never leave my side..

Except I am confused, I am tired. I wake up early in the morning and work till late. I don’t try to run from your memories. I don’t try to busy my thoughts to block you away. You left a gaping hole in my life.. And I don’t want it to be occupied.. I don’t want anybody now, friend.. You are gone and I am still breathing…

My eyes well up as I understand again that she won’t come back, she can’t peek in. I don’t care if I am a boy.. I don’t care if anyone sees me. Hot tears gush down my face and I grab her grey diary tight to my chest. The wind howls and the tide wets my bare feet.. Love is far deeper than we possibly take it to be…Love is pure. Love is innocent. It’s enough to live this life with it’s ups and downs… But she isn’t here to share it anymore… She isn’t here to give it anymore…

Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone

Tales of two : Just Audrey

I wasn’t going to pretend she never existed. I wasn’t going to act as if nothing had changed. I wasn’t going to try to move on. That part was gone yes.. But it will never be lost. She will remain there. She will stay. And things would never be the same. I will never be the same

You mind if I sit here?
 

Curt nod. I don’t care if you sit here or there or anywhere. I don’t care if you rob me off and run away. I don’t care if you are here to talk me out of my condition. She was gone and the world was still holding together.

I’m Claudia. I’m Audrey’s friend from junior school. 
She’s dead
Um.. I heard. I am sorry
 

Sorry? Oh yes I was sorry too. Sorry that I never bought her a pizza myself… something she used to taunt me every Friday. Sorry I never answered so many texts. Sorry I was not there when she breathed her last. I was sorry. So sorry.

Did she.. did she still play tennis?
Nay. She gave up when she sprained her ankle last year.
She used to look hilarious.. Jumping up and down like a moron.
Haha I know… we all used to make fun of that.
I heard you were her best friend?
Na.. I could never be one..
 

I swallowed. Yes, I could never be her best… I never woke up all night on phone to give her company. I never sat with her the way she did… Absorbing all my misery from me.. Absorbing my sorrow. No I could never be like her. I could not lighten up an environment with a simple smile, by a simple comment. I could never give up my happiness for someone else’s. I could never brag like her. Laugh like her. Conceal like her.

I came here yesterday and was hoping to meet her, then I just asked from the office and they well told me uh..
You were her friend in the junior school.. why meet her now..
She was my friend ever since she saved me from a detention. Just came along here.. and I remembered the girl who used to have a clash with the maths teacher. She is not the kind of person you forget easily…
I know.. I know..
 

Ironical.. So ironical.. Dipped in grief I am quoting Wordsworth.. I can hear her voice in me. Reading the poem gravely. Then I had just plugged my ears and had babbled. But now I understand.. She knew it then..

 
She dwelt among the untrodden ways
Beside the springs of Dove,
A Maid whom there were none to praise
And very few to love:
A violet by a mossy stone
 Half hidden from the eye!
–Fair as a star, when only one Is shining in the sky.
 
She lived unknown, and few could know
When Lucy ceased to be;
But she is in her grave, and, oh,
The difference to me!
 
 

People come and go. Yes. Nobody is bound to us forever. But some people just.. stay in our memories for ages..maybe throughout our life. They might not be with us for a long time… they might not be the best people in the world but it is that gravity of their persona keeping them alive. Everybody is bound to vanish one day, either from the periphery of our imagination or from the essence of our memories. It is the rule of Nature. Nothing is to stay forever. Nothing gold can stay…

It is her now. I never thought I’ll lose her like this. I loved her like my sister… she loved me like her brother. And now she’s gone. She’ll never call again.. Bickering about her exam. She’ll never lecture me to work. She’ll never pout and roll her eyes.. waiting for me to apologize.. She’ll never send an offline again… It was over. I wish she had once… for once told me she had little time left.

The girl left me sitting there.. and I was grateful. I wanted to be left alone. I wanted to tell Audrey I was alone. I will always be lonely now. I wish I had told her once that I loved her. But she knew it I know… She had left me her diaries.. Her last one clutched in my hand. I was her umbrella. I was her guardian angel she said…

I’ll always look up at her. It was the life she lived. A life full of sacrifices and love. She had given it all. She had made a place in hearts of so many people. And there were many who hated her. I had always been the one lurking behind.. She went on.. I hurt her a lot. She had been hurt enough. But she meant a lot to me… ha now I confess… I wish she had a life. A better one. I used to taunt her about godfather and godmother thing and she used to bounce like a kid. Oh gosh.. I can see her so clearly…

I clutched the diary even harder.. Someday when I get stronger.. I’ll open it. But at the moment. It was all pain. It was all torture. Without my healer.. I was pieces. I was jagged. The lamp had shattered. And Oh The light was lost….