It’s just the strangest thing, I’ve seen your face somewhere…

poker face

I am tired to my bones running into the same kind of people every day and every night. Wherever I turn, I see the same faces, same pointless drivel flowing from their lips and it makes my stomach turn. I see them reading the same worthless books, quoting the same quotes, wearing the same expressions and saying the same things. And this afternoon I wanted to jump from the bus

Lord I don’t know where to turn to. I am going to be buried in work soon and the very idea of the workload is getting me into fits of panic..but I’ll get through it, like I always have. Whether this is the actual issue or whether something else is going on inside me.. I do not know. But the very idea of the plain brain washed puppets I live amongst.. it just makes me angry. I always have believed everyone is different, unique, that they all have their own wars to fight, own battles to win and plenty of fears to conquer..but give me something now. I have never called people around me any names. Never judged them, never expected anything, never really saw them. But when I try.. I don’t like what I see..

It has become so repetitive that it enrages the hell out of me. Same deceits, same devotion. same ideals, same rationalizations. This city that city. All the shows saying marriage stinks and divorce is inevitable, all the books saying religion is a false cover for horrors we bind ourselves in, parents demanding respect, teachers claiming it as their right, patients cursing doctors, doctors cursing patients, same menu in the hostel mess for four years, riding the same bus, looking at the same people..loving and cheating and hating and lying…

I’ve taken breaks. From God, from friends, from books, from tv, from internet..once, twice..so many times. They all return and they all make me toss my lunch. Give me something ! Give me something that’ll make me turn towards you and see your face and know that I haven’t seen you before, in all those crowds and in all those cities. Show me something I haven’t seen before, tell me something I haven’t heard yet. Amaze me. Make me fall in love. Make me coil in hatred.

Do something..

tired sticky note

 

(Title: ‘Do You Know Me by John Mayer)

It’s just one of those feelings I have..

I cannot put emotions into words until I don’t feel them, I cannot smile when the happiness is shallow, tears don’t fall unless pain penetrates and the turmoil doesn’t shred till the soul is bared… ah.. not till the soul is bared

You see me now, dressed in purple and black. Two very conflicting colours with different essence clad on a body attuned to only one colour. How I wish I could wear something rich brown, just to ease the tension. Let the vibrations out and in suitably. Let me really feel what I am feeling. Just let me feel what is mine..

I am lapsing into the state of nothingness, and no feelings penetrate as I sit in bright sun, the warmth should reach my heart but no it is only burning my back. My hands are on fire. And I see the colours conflicting on my lap. Purple, black, golden.

My nerves stretch taut as I sit. Sit and feel nothing. This is not me. This cannot be me. Is there too much happiness? Is there too much tension? Is the nervousness tearing me apart?

How long can I sit, thinking on this state of mine, I do not know. There is wind. There is company. I want to whisper so she carries my voice away to someone who can hear it. Who can respond back. I want to blow away with the northern winds. I want to see where they can take me. How far can they take me.. How long till they disappear and I am lost..in sands, in water.. I don’t know..

I am just a normal person. My thoughts maybe a little out of the ordinary. But that is the 1% of my DNA separating me from the common 99 we all share.

Just these thoughts, nothing else =)

In the corner, into night

(I found this in a lost folder in my computer, I guess I wrote at night after some party or wedding ceremony)

There always are these eerie feelings. They have been there. And they shall remain

And I sit here. Again. As the slightest of the prick finally blows me apart. Again. Been fighting all day. But in the low hours I cease to be what I tend to become. So I just fall back. Let my hair loose. Let them fall free and wild on my shoulders and I retire to face the corner of my bed. Time to just, let go

I remember the pendant I wore. Black. All set with stones. Beautiful. Lying heavily around my neck. I just want to say what I want to say. And I know, there is that opening in me, from where vibrations or feelings enter or leave. I just pick them up. Or let them leave my world. My body, my existence

And I have truly nothing to say. There are just these feelings that inhabit me. I cannot put down what I feel because this pain is rooted so deeply in me that at the end of the day it will, it will force me to repay for all the happiness and laughter of the day. It will make me curl in my bed and call people long dead and places long left.

This does not mean I am weak. This does not portray that I am falling apart. This is just a part necessary for my survival. I am what pain and happiness make me. The stages in between ends up making me.. one of the crowd
Maybe that is the place where I belong. Maybe someday I will not be left alone here. Maybe someday someone will keep me away from crowds. Or stay as I sway with the suffocation burning my lungs away

I am not waiting. I am not yearning. I don’t possess such feelings anymore. I have left and I will never come back. I will not be and I don’t want to be pursued

You know, this time I mean it…

It is just one of those thoughts I have

I can’t come up with a story. I am far too drained and tired. Brain is cracking. Hands are limp. Not dead neither dying. State of pure tiredness. And will transform into the State of Nothingness soon. It’s good. Helps body heal. Muscles readjust. Bones breathe

I am not going to tell the story of how I roamed around the planet getting stuff done and how much did I miss my Dad being away. Nor will I say what part of me rejuvenated or which part just so darned surrendered. Nor the vibrations tearing my body apart. Nothing. I am sitting on my maroon chair. I am home. I am eating Twix. Just finished a pack of Milky Way. I am ok. I’ll soon transit into a better and peaceful state

So what if I am hearing James Blunt and so what I feel like sighing? So what if those parts of our heart that cling to our souls and minds and suck any bit of light they get? So what if there are things we cannot just let go? So what if I think that my pc’s battery life is almost over? So what if I hate my cell phone? So what if I don’t care having another? So what If I am pissed off due to absolutely no reason? HAN? SO WHAT?

Sick of drama. That’s it. Want to sleep and get over it. I just want to get over it.

To the Thawing Wind

I am sitting near the balcony, my legs are dangling through the metal bars.. long they are and ridiculous I look. But there is no one to see.. Nobody to snigger and point. I am so nicely shielded, with the gusts of wind perfecting the situation. Now I can just sit here and think.. and sigh and understand a lot I haven’t.. try to see through a lot of curtains.

 
Nothing clears your head like the after rain wind. And I feel as if I was born today, early in the morning as the first drop of rain hit the Earth. The clouds still roam overhead.. shielding the Sun… And I look down at the deserted street, imagining people moving down there. With the power of imagination I can conjure anything but hey.. It’s high time we return to face the reality. For a second let’s feel the metal bars and their presence… before I imagine them covered in veils of sacred light. For a moment let’s feel the loneliness of the street. For a an instant let’s embrace our happiness and sorrows in their real form. For now.. for this very time period.. Let’s be normal…

 

I run from the very aspect of the word, yet to the core I am much like the normal person God created.. in it’s very pure form. Let’s cherish our being normal.. today let’s breathe like what we truly may be.. Forget what you wanted to be.. forget what you might become. Neglect the fact that somewhere, deep in, you are unique.. Nobody can challenge your DNA yeah but be one of the crowd today. Stand in that maddening crowd. Walk through the known and well-travelled roads. See the colours as everyone sees them. Smell the dirt as we all do. Forget everything that separates you from others… For now. Here. Today.

 
I rest my head on the cold metal and inhale the smell of rusting steel. How far can I run…

The Courses of true love never did run smooth

And lonely as it is that loneliness 
Will be more lonely ere it be less— 
A blanker whiteness of benighted snow 
With no expression, nothing to express.

I sit and I sit. Too depraved, too emotionally and physically drained. I don’t know how many have you reached or gone through this state. When you give up on everything and absolutely everyone. Too tired to go on. Too tired to call, hold someone back; even yourself. After a long walk we sit on that bench, body cool with the evaporating sweat. Wanting to escape into a world where you don’t have to think….

Yes. For a person like me who goes wild thinking, the state is a bliss. But somehow today I sit deeply disappointed, lacking the feel. Lacking the want to converse with anyone. I don’t wanna move. I don’t wanna talk. I am so defeated. I am so tired.

The water rushes and hits the cliff, eroding it. With every force a part of the strong cliff gives way, It’s not visible. Not apparent yet. Only the hardest remain; soft lost to the waves ages ago. Once part of a great cliff, the pebbles now rest at the bottom of the salt water.

I look above and watch the clear blue sky, marred by a few clouds. The salt scented wind fills my nostrils and inflates my lungs. Every blow threatens to break me apart. Harsh words ring through my ears and I remember the pain with which hard and blunt words hit. Deep breath. A wave of breakdown evaded. I want to lie back over here and I want no one to disturb me. I have lost myself to these waves. I am pebbles, lost underwater. I am that bark, ripped from roots due to that storm, I am a healer lost in her own pain..

My dad comes and sits by me. His silence mingling with my melancholy. I think they acknowledged my prolonged absence at home. I am touched… He won’t hug me as I am a big girl now, he messes my hair with his elder, strong hands.. And.. and I fight tears no more

  

(Stanza from Robert Frost’s ‘Desert Places’)

The State of Nothingness

It’s a really strange thing. To feel nothing. Nothing at all. To stare with eyes that don’t see. To touch things with no feel. Not drugged. Not meditating. Not numb. Just no penetration at all. Not too hard. Just.. stuck.

I sit so. Here in my apartment, I ignore my sister asking me what I was doing. I hand her my iPod.. Just to shut her queries away. She settles on the couch in glee. And I retire to myself. I wanted to understand this new state of mind. I wasn’t curious. I had no feelings at all.

There are few people in the world who think they know themselves a lot. I happen to be one of them. Because I have that power of understanding. Not bragging but I know it to the core of my heart the powers I possess. But.. for me its a sin to use them. Powers? Wait I don’t fly or disappear or read minds.. Or summon demons. I know the person is going to act this way if you do that…then I just don’t do it. You know what the person is thinking from his actions.. why pursue him.. It’s dumb to be that way I know. But this is what I am. I know if I ask certain question in certain ways the person is gonna break down and tell it all.. Why do it.. Why use his weakness or property for yourself.. Sin aye.. For me it is a Sin.. I hate the feeling that the person acted this way because of some..’trick’ of mine.

But yes. I can make people happy. I have that ‘thing’ in me. But as I said.. It is so strange. When I picked up a greyish blue diary I knew how the colour would affect me. Sounds Bladerdash ey? Things are only as special as we make them, consider them. I chose some colours to affect me in some way.. and aye they will. I feel some amount of calm in me now. It’s a feeling right? It is strange whenever I feel stung.. Or hurt.. I lapse into this state now. Of eerie satisfaction. I am not a neurotic so yeah

Wait. I am not hurt at the moment. Then why feel so? Its like when happiness leaves you all light-headed and you feel all the energy lost from your bones. Then you sit on the sofa like me and think.. satisfied.. content

Maybe I am tired. I want to start a new life. It is right in front me. I can see it. And I have faith that I will reach there. I will. I envy my mother of her faith. It is so strong that it makes me afraid. She has faith I will reach there. So I know I will.

There are a lot of people who think they don’t know themselves. I can understand what they feel.. This state is new for me too. And I will be surprised later. For now even if my brother comes out of no where and tells me he really loves me I would be like.. What? Even if Stance hops in through the window and my cousin calls in and Anne tells me she loves Micheal Jackson I would be like… Why so serious…

So…. How long will this state stay? How long will I remain blank? Maybe till my sister gets done with music or maybe till I doze off. I will not drop off I know. I am lucky. At some point of our lives.. We all are. It’s a square world. I know that.. You smile today.. You’ll cry later. I cry today.. I’ll smile later. But sometimes our lives seem to get stuck. All so one directional. Only pain and disasters coming our ways. I believe it might just be because of our faults.. It might just be a test..Or it might just be something to strengthen our souls. The talk of Soul and Test and Life and Nature.. Sounds so offhand and primitive.. And if you think so.. Don’t blame anybody for the faults in your life.. For your failures. And if you say you are successful and still think all the spiritual stuff is non existent. Either you are too blind or either just wait and watch folks. It’ll all come back

Ah. My cell just beeped. Its my best friend. And the blankness has all just vanished. I instantly smile. And now if she tells me she started listening to Green Day.. I am so truly gonna faint. This is what I am. Happy. Aye =)