Prayer for tonight

wishing on a start by a window

I have a very heavy heart today. Right now, as I sit by my window and the wind blows through my incredibly wet hair, I feel a burden weighing me down. What do I tell you? I have no words you haven’t heard before.

 

Sometimes, the only way to move forward is to kill that part of you, remove the part so heavy. What a sad move. Little by little you cut away the gangrenous parts and what remains at the end…well I dread to think about it. The hard, callous shell of a person you used to be. How sad, how cliche.

The moon that usually shines right though my window is not around today. It is all dark and I am lying awake, hoping the wind would blow the load away, before another part of me dies, and dies again. Hoping I wouldn’t have to age for one night, wouldn’t have to disintegrate for one day.

So I close my eyes, remembering myself and everyone as I know right now. And I pray, with eyes tightly shut , that tomorrow as the sun shines onto me, I remain the same as I am today.

 
Amen

Coming to you, straight from the ice-box (I)

Window

I know it is hot outside, trust me I do. I was the same person who was sweating all my salts and water out in the morning, I do remember. But if you remind that to my fingers now, they will give you the stare of a lifetime, because, I..my dear folks..am frozen.

I am doing my electives in Psychology, ey. The good old electives..I have been obsessing about them for more than three months and finally I am here. And what stories I have to tell…

But for now, I have the tale of the Iceland. It is pretty cold inside the hospital. And I have always had a bad circulation, I go numb at the slightest of breeze. I spend half of my summers without switching the fan on. And here I am, typing away in the library, my nose minutes from falling into my lap ; red and raw. My feet screaming and cursing my open shoes and my legs threatening to desert me any moment.

The rational thing is to get out, get hopping or just go out of the premises into the grounds, road, open fire…I dunno, but I am way too lazy to walk that far. So I got out and sat in-front of the nearest window, pressing my palms against the tinted glass. It feels warm, toasty and nice. Comforting and tranquil.  I think Imma stay here for a while.

~Cheers

 

Standing Still

against the wind

I wonder how stubborn and rubbery some of us are. How truly incorrigible. Unbreakable, infinite. History comes and goes, time and again, repeating itself, punishing us for the same mistakes over and over and we still stand there. Tall as ever, been hit so many times but still alive; breathing, smiling, laughing.

It’s that permanent stage of deja vu. That ‘been there, done that’ situation that makes it impossible to savour a moment of peace or pain. How many times have you been in and out of a hospital, lugging around with your loved ones, putting on a brave face. How many times have you stood besides them and known that they were not gonna make it but you still hope that some miracle would save them, make them young again and take all the disease away from them. How many times have you stood in-front of the mirror, praying the same thing for yourself.

Well, I am in a waiting room myself. Again. Praying for another loved one, one that actually gave birth to me. Praying she makes it. Praying some miracle would come and suck all the pain and anger from her. Make her young again. Praying I had someone right now to sit besides, even silently so. Just to know someone is there. I don’t wanna hold hands, nor do I wish for a shoulder to lean on. I have no one to do so either, so that takes care of it.

And when she dies, and I’m hit again. I know I’d still be here. Alive. And I’ll laugh and smile and breathe too. And you’ll never know just what I’ve been through. Just like now.

 

Que sera sera..

hair in air

Sometimes I feel I am way too old to be whining about friends. The moment I start my brain back-flips as the same thoughts hit me and it feels so tiring to go round and round the same circle. I literally feel a bolus of vomit stuck in my gut and one in my head. Just wanting..out

Same exact people, acting in the same juvenile fashion. If I stay with them, I feel nauseated. If they ignore me, I feel angry and left out; when I am with them, I simply cannot wait to get away. And the cycle goes on and on until my brain starts to hurt and I give up. And I crash. And then something happens, and I am back on the same road.

And as far as I remember, this is exactly how things have been with every friend I have ever been with. I like them, then I hate them, then I like them. Sometimes all of their faces blend together when I look back. My personality brings out the exact same pattern in their behaviour. They are always there but they can’t never really get to know me. And why the hell would they try? Anne stuck around, she is like..my soul sister. But I went through hell to get to a point where her presence or absence doesn’t hurt me. She stays, I am happy (so happy), she leaves, I barely look. It’s comfortable between us. Because, comfortable distance always works for me. And it also has to do with the fact that she has the most tolerable and amazing personality. Ever heard, nay dreamed, of that breathtaking beauty, those cool brilliant brains and that gentle understanding soul in one person? Well that’s her.

My only concern is the strangulating effect of these interactions. I don’t want to be crippled by my own emotions. I don’t want my decisions to be dictated by how I feel about a particular matter. I call these my *out-of-body experiences*, when I look at a person as a whole. Not how they affect me, but how they actually are.

It’s a pretty nice feeling, actually. But to get to a point where one day their existence will have no affect on me in entire sense of the word, I have yet a very, very long and tortuous path to walk.

Till then. Que sera sera..

queserasera

Que sera sera (what will be, will be)

There are too many books I haven’t read, too many places I haven’t seen, too many memories I haven’t kept long enough

purple pink smoke

I was brushing my teeth the other day, looking in that foggy, droplet-stained mirror so early in the morning when the pictures started to move in my head so thick and fast. Childhood. I don’t care about that era, just like I don’t care about the teens that passed. I don’t even remember being a child. I have flushed away those memories so perfectly. I do that, I can erase an entire era from my brain if it has so much as one painful event. But I have never been fortunate to have one bad event, one is always chasing the other. I don’t think anyone ever is. I may remember the event, but everything else just melts away. And soon the memory itself fades. Taking every feeling, but numbness, away.

I suddenly saw my dad in a ward sitting right next to me. Wearing his glasses, reading the back of this new medication doctor had perscribed. Mom was back home, dad never brought her because she freaked out seeing me all hooked up to wires. I saw him carrying me around and getting me over to have my height and weight checked, all the while helping me hold the oxygen mask. Somehow I cannot remember the conversation. I don’t remember one conversation with my parents in my childhood. Or with anyone, as a matter of fact. No words or sentences, just silent pictures that move sometimes. I do remember once in a hospital I had to have stitches on my arm due to an injury and I screamed on top of my voice My Father will kill you if you try to hurt me. He’s in army. He has a gun

(He’s never had a gun, at that time I did not know that he was an army doctor. I just knew he wore the uniform. Kids can be so dumb)

And I saw him telling me I was like seven sons to him. And telling me it will all be over soon. I can’t remember how he said it. I can see his lips moving, but I can’t hear his voice. And I so remembered the gray walls of those wards and the chemical smell of the masks I breathed through, and those green inhalers and the box of Pringles I used to get every time we came from the hospital.

And I can see my mum waiting, wide eyed, when we returned. I don’t remember what dad said and what she replied. I can see their lips moving, but I don’t hear their voice

So I just rinsed my mouth, splashed water on my face and popped a pill before the pain in my arm would shoot up. It hasn’t hurt in months now but the anticipation is a trigger itself. Some memories just become demons and never stop chasing, some pasts are so deeply rooted in the present that to erase them is to melt away…dissolve and vanish.

I am not too worried about it

cleaning foggy mirror

(Title: Quote by Irwin Shaw)

Some things are just not good for you, but are great for others

Anti social Fb crap

Social networks are great. Movie Theaters are great. Expensive restaurants are great. Less expensiveones are awesome. Going to them with friends is great. Making lots of friends is great. Talking is great. People and what they do is just..great

But I hate all of this and all of them. I despise it all. It makes the very gut of mine twist and turn and go purple.

We have this page on fb, that says “Humans of —(my college)” and all I see is pictures and quotes of bunch of *famous* people from our college and everyone acting as if they give a shit. I mean they are famous already now we have a page to celebrate them. Now I remember why I left fb. I don’t hate them, per say..but there is a limit to all the crap and pretending and lying we do everyday. Get real for once and get a life (it’s rich, coming from me)

I joined goodreads recently. And I don’t fancy it..much. It’s a social network of sorts and it’s great I agree. But everyone’s talking on it and I dunno, I feel like lost in a traffic with cars honking around me and I am standing amidst the clamour with no idea where to exit. Maybe we don’t like to know if a lot of people out there are better than us and are doing great or are just..there, maybe it’s just me. I value reading a lot. Books are all I had and have. My parents kept me away from people my entire life on strict purpose. My mom has this theory that children who take a lot of interest in affairs of elders end up as dumb, worthless, no-good boneheads.

And she has a lot of evidence to back it up

All my anti-social behaviour is credited to her and of-course my Dad.

And my sister

And my grandpa

And Thomas Hardy

It’s a lot of things that make us who we are. The childhood, the upbringing, the mommy daddy issues, our very nature, the experiences, the lack of experiences. We are not all bad. No matter how much people vex me, they all have wars of their own to fight. I respect that. And I esp respect the people who don’t pretend around me. If they don’t like me they don’t bother and in return I don’t help them out during the exam session

Na. I do…

I don’t blame them if they give me glares or act as if I’m invisible. It’s rude but who cares. I am weird too. I usually stick my tongue out at total strangers and glare at any guy who dares to step in one mile radius

Crazy is the new normal, ey =)

Im-not-Anti-Social

 

Pick a card, any card

 

Pick a card

So it all comes down to this. Making a choice. Getting to a decision. Turning iron heart and let that hate enter your veins again. God, it hasn’t been so long since my blood was all clean..

Three years, I have had three years now. Blogging my life away. Writing stories, making up poems, disguising my feelings into sultry words, Sometimes being brutally honest, sometimes just angrily cryptic. Then slowly dissolving away in front of the very eyes of mine and those I got acquainted with. Friends… is a very loose term indeed

I don’t know what happened. The other day I was travelling on the bus and it just hit me in the face. What is happening? How could I let my world slip away and re-form me? How could it mould me the way it wanted? Where did I slip away? Did I fall behind, Did I walk fast or am I just lost in the crowd that I don’t see anyone else anymore? Where is that faith? Where is that trust? Where is all that hope and fantasy?

Sometimes it feels as if, maybe, I am looking myself truly for the first time. Bare and solitary. Without the assorted dreams and exceptions I ever had. Things haven’t died in me to the very extent, yes, but I don’t see that soul in me, that tender thing I cherished so much. It’s all anger and the practicality hardening me inside out. Truth be told.. I don’t even mind anymore

Three years. Met two great writers and people. EMK and APB…and a few others who just stopped blogging…

I just hope someday I vanish myself. But…seriously… apart from my cynical crap.. Life’s not bad. I hope I have the courage to stick around longer before I just..go. Anyways, till then

Cheerio !

 

One of those things.. you know

tree There’s that moment when you feel that thing creeping up at the back of your mind, at the surface of your heart and the tip of your tongue. That urge that beautiful flow of words you know you can write down. You have been staring at blank pages and empty screen for days. Nothing to write nothing to type yet the mind and heart are full with stories and emotions. But it just doesn’t flow. The time ain’t right. The feeling isn’t exact

You sit there, in your empty room, that lone wolf you always were. Talking only in jokes and laughter. Why? Because you don’t know how to talk. And the friends you once had..don’t feel right anymore. The only channel you had was through writing but that is blocked by some strange barrier. Is is too much happiness? Is it too much sadness? Is it that pain in the arm that has been killing you for three days and nearly made you break down in class? Is it because talking suddenly has become the hardest thing in the world..?

So you look at your computer, sighing because the old companion has got old and is getting chipped off in places. An guilty feeling in the heart that it might just be time to let it go. You shut it down, lock you room, go into some other room, try relaxing with a bunch of friends, with that odd feeling that is bugging you deep down.You hang out for a while but then the jokes run out, the energy runs out, it’s too late in the night already and then there’s college tomorrow. You walk back the corridors, up the stairs. Unlock your room and get into bed. Shutting your eyes or opening them does’t matter much, it’s too dark to make out the walls

It’s just, sometimes, everything in the world seems so, far away. Was it you who were walking slowly or were it others who sped off? You know, sometimes it just gets harder to breathe.. writing

Never knew my heart was attached to wires

It felt as if someone ripped my heart out and left the wires hanging in there. I could feel the electricity crackling as the pain spread through my arm to my back, pinning me onto the bed. I wish I could scream. I wish I could tear away the pain but it spread everywhere. It blurred my eyes and numbed my brain. There are painkillers in the cupboard I won’t go for. I need to feel this agony, I need this torment to make me realize that I will have to accept the end of fate. The end of life and love as I know it.

My shoulder blades seared and I could feel the heat travelling through my body. Minute by minute my life ends and God it feels as if the end is so near.

You know they say we hurt most the ones we love??

Yeah..it works both ways..

It is better to light just one little candle, then to stumble in the dark

There is light; yes. I have spent two days in the hall, lying on the sofa because I am too sick to move around. Watching movies and reading books to pass the time from dawn till dusk. I am glad I got sick. I am glad I read so much and saw such great stuff.

You know, there is darkness all around the world, oh yes. You read the paper, you watch the tv. You go around in public..You see people backstabbing each other, you see people shooting and killing. You see blood. You see pain. Sometimes I feel the Earth crying beneath me. When I see the red skies I feel that scare tearing through my heart…

But that is the thing about the wrong, that is the thing about it being so prevalent. You know what… the darkness spreads around. It masks all that is beneath. It can manipulate, it can divide. It can scare and it can change things that took ages to build. It can shake the foundations. Yes, hatred can, deceit can, betrayal can, that gunshot that sucks the life out of you..that can

But you know the thing about light…you know the thing about hope…you know the thing about the good…. It is far greater than all the things that tend to destroy the soul in us. And it is its greatness that makes it so hard to achieve. Because to have it, you have to want it and be worthy of it. Don’t tell me the world is a rotting rat. Don’t tell me the world created is a sheer fallacy, don’t tell me God looks at this planet and sighs at His creation. No. No. No. There is so much light in the hearts. The light that is holding this world together. Let it be your smile, let it be mine. It is there. Something much more beautiful, something that surpasses all the sins and the eclipse you see

I am not being blindly optimistic. They shit in the world. They do things in the universe that are unimaginable and unforgivable. Who knows what hell fell on you, who knows what a blessed life I live. But if We all are given a choice to suffer each others pain.. we will all choose what we have and be on our way

Everything seems to be a secret, every game fixed before it is played, every person deceitful and every gesture fake and superfluous. I am not saying these things don’t exist.. I am not saying world is a very much better place to leave in. But you know what. This is the only place we have. You live once. Nobody stays forever. What if you cannot go out and change the world, what if circumstances cripple you to do so. I wanna go in my coffin knowing that the life I lived, no matter how much tainted it was, no matter what I saw and suffered of, if ever did, that I built something in me. I had that light in my heart. I made myself into someone worth being. I don’t wanna hand my soul away because it died way before it left my body. If my death brought one true tear in someone’s eye, or if my life brought anything good to somebody..

Believe me.

I would have lived it all

But then of courseThere could be more to it =)

Savvy =D