It’s better to burn out than fade away

Ok. I and a bunch of friends got kicked out because we were late for a lecture (but no we actually went on a detour from canteen through the grounds in to the basement =D) not kicked out.. we didn’t go in after we saw the self study class filled with my crazy theetha batch with girls and guys nodding at us treacherously “Undr mut ana!” (Don’t come in!)

So I came to the computer lab. After this I have a PBL class (problem based learning). Then I go back hostel. Grab my bags, call a cab, run down the bus station get my tickets, jump into the bus and back home. It’ll take five hours, blah

Jee. I am so sad..

I mean. I don’t feel like talking to anyone. I don’t feel like making all the crappy jokes I am known for. I don’t wanna go out and have fun. My hand is still blue from the hike. 3 hours of hiking with my worn out shoes and walking all the way back because the first years got lost or what… It was fun! It was so.. damn.. fun. Rain, hail, twisting roads, mountains, the great Mosque, the greenery, the pine corner, the stones… The cup full of ice gola the great expensive restaurant the band the crowd the clamour…Allah.

But then the three weeks of papers

And then I am exhausted

It feels strange. Why am I writing over here? I can just simply fill a page of my journal. I can quietly fade away. Sometimes it feels as if I am one of those goody good side roles in movies. People who are very good but they die before the movie finishes and are barely remembered after the end titles. I don’t wanna have that role. I have my own story. Or rather I want to have my own story, rather than being a part of so many anecdotes. Sigh. Or I’d rather be Mysterious Mr. Quin. But no.. I have a tendency to give people chances to find me. Once, twice.. thrice

 

Oh never mind. If it’s meant to be, it’s meant to be

You can’t break what’s already broken..

 

 

Sometimes, no matter how much faith we have, we lose people. But you never forget them. And sometimes, it’s those memories that give us the faith to go on

Night or early day, I know not. My eyes flew open as the stab settled in

No, Lord NO!

I knew the pain that would take over, starting from the shoulder blades down to the arm, now the ribs too. Clutching my teeth shut I sped to the kitchen. No, God, no. Popped the pills and drank enough water to push them down. Quick opened the fridge and filled the injection. No, please, don’t spread. There was no time, plunged the syringe into my arm and slid to the floor. The pain would go in half an hour now. Recede to a level that won’t get me screaming. If I was not already doing so. If I was not already wailing. Stifling the cries as the eyes leaked with salt water, sliding farther on the cold marble

Pathetic. It was pathetic. My body reeked of pity. I so wanted to cry in the real volume. Sob harder. I just wanted the pain to end. Just leave my body.. just leave my existence

Got up, came back. Sat at the edge of my bed. Face wet and arms sling. Chest hurt. I was crying for Dad. I wanted to go to him. Lord, I miss him. He was the only person who knew what was wrong with me. The only person who understood me. Sob shattered through my weak ribs and made me shiver. I hated shaking in despair and agony. And it was getting worse. The pain won’t stop. The arms won’t recover. Dad was gone. Buried under a pile of dirt. Just like I would be. Soon

How long is ‘soon’? Four years? Five years? 10? 12? Tomorrow? This night? How long have I got? What difference will it make? Will anyone’s world shatter, just for a second. For a second will there be that realization that she..she’s gone? What will mom do without me? Others can live. Oh it has been proved…once..twice..thrice..four times. Lives don’t stop. I don’t want them to. It’s just that feeling when the world isn’t the same anymore.

I pull on my cardigan. Slide into my tight trousers. My forehead is slick and wet of the wave of pain that just receded. Mom’s asleep in her room. I wear my glasses and start digging into my drawers, until I find a shattered frame and a torn picture of..of my family. Broken ages ago. I see him looking at me as if I was just about to fall. As if he would catch me if slip from mom’s arm.

I’ve fallen dad. Once, twice, thrice.. four times

Slowly the medication takes over as I sway. Remove my glasses and fall over my bed. I see faces of everyone I have ever cared for in my life. The images blur my mind and the words crash in my brain again. It is silly how everything seems right and then everything is wrong. The world seems dull when the insides are gray. As my insides pain, everything around me is thorns. I feel Dad’s warmth as I fall through numbness

And If I have ever loved anyone. I have loved you. In so many smiles. In so many tears. In all this pain. And through all my fears..

It is just one of those thoughts I have

I can’t come up with a story. I am far too drained and tired. Brain is cracking. Hands are limp. Not dead neither dying. State of pure tiredness. And will transform into the State of Nothingness soon. It’s good. Helps body heal. Muscles readjust. Bones breathe

I am not going to tell the story of how I roamed around the planet getting stuff done and how much did I miss my Dad being away. Nor will I say what part of me rejuvenated or which part just so darned surrendered. Nor the vibrations tearing my body apart. Nothing. I am sitting on my maroon chair. I am home. I am eating Twix. Just finished a pack of Milky Way. I am ok. I’ll soon transit into a better and peaceful state

So what if I am hearing James Blunt and so what I feel like sighing? So what if those parts of our heart that cling to our souls and minds and suck any bit of light they get? So what if there are things we cannot just let go? So what if I think that my pc’s battery life is almost over? So what if I hate my cell phone? So what if I don’t care having another? So what If I am pissed off due to absolutely no reason? HAN? SO WHAT?

Sick of drama. That’s it. Want to sleep and get over it. I just want to get over it.

A thing is not necessarily true because a man dies for it

It is a strange day. It is a stranger me. The thoughts, the feelings the perceptions are all new.. And all so strange.

I lie here, oh yes I do. On a soft bed under a soft quilt. Head resting on a soft pillow. Every part of my body pains. There are places of unknown anatomy that pulsate with known pain. My hands burn. My breath is shallow. Every breath I intake feels like hitting my lungs hard. It is so strange. So far away

I don’t care. About anything, about anyone. I am sighing these deep sighs. My eyes are dry. And I am so broken. So broken.. Lord every part of me has fallen apart. And the pieces that stick to me are nothing but jagged shards. Piercing me in places unknown

Hope.. yes.. I hope it all ends today. I have no curiosity no want to go ahead. People say there is a lot I have to see. There is a lot to come. I know that speech by heart. I have been making it to different people at different times. But no.. I don’t want to go on. I have seen enough. My soul is full of all the experiences. Body is weak. Heart won’t take more

Watching the eerie, unbelievingly white and clean ceiling. Watching through eyes so tired, so groggy. I lie here, breathing in rich medicine scented hospital air. I have loved, I have met lots of people. Made friends made foes. Lost people found people. Broke got up. Got practical got emotional.. I just wanna go home now.. I am content of all I ever saw of what ever happened… But now after all I went through. All I saw and All I felt. I don’t want to be wasted anymore. It is just plain refusal to fight anymore. It is just plain defeat of a soul that isn’t blue anymore…

(title: Quote by Oscar Wilde)

When she’s gone. Remember, you once loved her

You can shed tears that she is gone, 
or you can smile because she has lived.
You can close your eyes and pray that she’ll come back,
or you can open your eyes and see all she’s left.
Your heart can be empty because you can’t see her,
or you can be full of the love you shared.
You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday, 
or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday.
You can remember her only that she is gone,
or you can cherish her memory and let it live on.
You can cry and close your mind, 
be empty and turn your back.
Or you can do what she’d want:
smile, open your eyes, love and go on

Sitting alone, looking peaceful.. gives you no good. But do I care what I look like? I am here, with warm humid sea winds ruffling my hair. Do I care what does the world think about me? Do I care if they stare at me, click their tongues impatiently and give those sympathetic remarks? The only thing I knew was that she was gone.. and the world would never be the same..

It has been a month since Audrey died. A month has passed away and yet my heart beat persists. A month has gone by and yet..yet I breathe. I considered ending it and running forward to meet her but I know she’ll lift those disappointed eyes.. Coward. If living in this brooding pain makes me any braver than hey Audrey.. hey I am far more braver than the friend you left behind…

The wind rushes past me and stings my eyes… I stare straight. She lived so much.. she lived her life away with me.. Maybe the people who have to leave early share a lot with us…Giving us so much to hold on later. I remember her.. That oxygen mask clamped to her face and that IV deep into her vessels.. I can see her strapped in that ward.. I can picture her so clearly… how she removed the mask as I came to her, not caring that her breath got uneven. She had looked deep into my eyes.. her gaze filled with apology… filled with uncertain guilt. At that time.. at the time of her leaving to the silent side… She was.. apologizing?

Why.. why Audrey.. I know you never told me about your cancer.. But why did you look at me like that? Why did you, in that broken voice, leave me your diaries..? You know I never was one of those strong people.. You knew me.. You were the one who mended me. And yet you gave me all that stuff I’ll never have the courage to even hold steadily

I miss you. Oh yes. Everything I do.. in every thought I possess, It’s you. People tell me to move on.. What do they mean hah? Forgetting you? I can’t do that. I don’t mourn. I just.. miss you. I don’t ask you back.. I don’t pray for the impossible. I don’t stammer at your mention. I don’t cry for you in front of everyone.. That Joe you liked… he already is out for someone. That brother of yours, gone Audrey. That high school friend you cared so much for.. She didn’t even come on the funeral. Nobody mentions you anymore.. some may remember you. But none like me.. never like me

I don’t know what to say, what to do.. every moment I spent thinking about you gives me air. Gives me strength. As if I am paying you back for all that love you gave me. You know.. I thought we’d be friends forever.. I thought you’d never leave my side..

Except I am confused, I am tired. I wake up early in the morning and work till late. I don’t try to run from your memories. I don’t try to busy my thoughts to block you away. You left a gaping hole in my life.. And I don’t want it to be occupied.. I don’t want anybody now, friend.. You are gone and I am still breathing…

My eyes well up as I understand again that she won’t come back, she can’t peek in. I don’t care if I am a boy.. I don’t care if anyone sees me. Hot tears gush down my face and I grab her grey diary tight to my chest. The wind howls and the tide wets my bare feet.. Love is far deeper than we possibly take it to be…Love is pure. Love is innocent. It’s enough to live this life with it’s ups and downs… But she isn’t here to share it anymore… She isn’t here to give it anymore…

So I’ll just say what you won’t say

Eustacia found her eyes opening at 3 in the morning, the moment she realized she was awake..There were no words to express her regret… None at all

Pain shotted up her left arm. Crippling her down. She was pinned down in her bed.. Curled like a ball.. She tried to press her arm down. To suppress the pain. But no, it won’t stop. It was moving through her arm, threatening to bust her shoulder blades, moving like venom through her bones, about to smash her fingers. Her eyes stung. And she lay there flailing in her bed.. without a single voice leaving her mouth.

She knew the pain would kill her one day. How long had she lived with this pain? Five years? Ten years? It was like a timer set in her bones. And it went off now and then, reminding her that time was ticking,she was running out of time. Lord no

“Go away, Go away” She kept saying. Telling herself that she was a strong girl. She could do it. Yes I will break free. It will be all right. It’ll pass. It’ll pass

Her parents were sleeping next door. But she won’t bother them. But the intensity of her pain wouldn’t have even let her leave or even cry out. She was thinking about everything. All the words were repeating in her mind. Like a big storm crashing her brain as the pain struck even harder. She wanted to see her friend one last time, he must be sleeping.. But she can always wake him up. No she’ll die here. Alone. With so much pain. She didn’t deserve it. No. God don’t

Stacey.. nothing will happen
 

 I am breaking down, Ian I’m breaking down

We only receive the pain we can bear. Never more. It’s bearable. It’ll pass
 

There it was. The voice in her brain. And she took deep breaths. Yes she could bear it. She already felt under control. It will be ok.

But fate had other plans

Pain shotted up once more, dissolving her newly formed faith. At the same moment alarm on her side table went off. She screamed as she never screamed. Muffling them in the sheets she just looked mad. Pale. And yellow. As if something was sucking her deep in. It will kill me. I know Ian. And you could do nothing.

You are not going anywhere ok? Your time is not over yet… We all are here for a reason. Life is not done with you… And and I can’t go on… We’ll fight..
 

I have to go on. It has to end one day.. If it’s not bearable then Ian… It’s a goodbye. I have to surrender. I can’t take it anymore. Maybe.. I’m not strong after all.. And Hey.. Don’t cry.. Those whom gods love die young…. Don’t cry Ian.. I know you can’t do anything. We tried didn’t we? I am done with life Ian. It’s time. Let me go…Let it all go.. Don’t cry Ian.. No…

.

 
They say Ian Gilbert died at the age of twenty. They say he died of acute cancer. Autopsy says it was near 4 o’clock