I cannot help you.
This evening I went out to buy some yogurt. I wore my warmest socks and my coziest sweater and wrapped a nice thick scarf around my head because it was really cold outside. Had a chilly five-minute walk. I don’t have many of these left here since med school finishes soon. I went, met a few friends there. That part was nice since I hadn’t spoken to a soul all day as I was cooped up in my room begging myself to study for the finals. But, I digress.
As I came back, up those stairs and through those corridors, I found myself regretting that I had lost the ability to give a crap. If that is temporary or permanent, I have yet to find out. I cannot find it in me to care about your troubles anymore. I do not have it in me to listen to you sink into a pit of self-indulgence and blurt out a plethora of words I have heard you and so many speak before. I can see them form a cloud of smoke around you, as you get lost in them, talking talking talking… A copy of a copy of a copy. It’s beyond me to bear it any longer.
I didn’t use to be like this, though. I was one of those people who actually feed on other person’s neediness. People who thrive in a co-dependent relationship (if you call that thriving). I was the person who loved hearing the other person talk and loved to give solutions, if asked to, of course. I loved people more for their problems and imperfections than anything else.
But I have lost the ability to connect with you anymore. I do not have the stamina to sit and listen to you be…so common. I do not have the energy to apologize when I fail to meet some mighty and high standards of affection you have in your mind, those cultivated by ill written books and misunderstood classics. I have no place for the guilt you inflict, nor do I have the capability to address the gaping voids you wish someone would fill and the seeping cracks you wish someone would fix. It is impossible for me to go back there. I wish it would pain me more when I tell you: You are on your own. Yes, I might be around as I myself am on this journey like you. I will give you my water if you are thirsty, I will give you my food if you are hungry. But I will not chew it for you. I will slow down if you want to rest yourself. But I will not carry you.
I will not carry you.
I’m sitting in my class right now, bored out of my skull, finding new blogs to read on the android app, which ate two of my posts on the tab last evening as they wouldn’t get posted and pushed me into fits of rage.
I seldom miss the “good old days” for I believe future is always better than the past and it is stupid to talk about *getting my childhood back* and the associated crap. Better be wiser if not happier
But there is one thing I do miss, my tiny social circle full of people I really was impressed of and relished spending time with. And those were the times Facebook and WordPress were a hell of fun. And I actually *wasted time* there.
Then we all got busy and grew up and left =/ me included. I became one hell of an introvert again, borderlining into severe misanthropy. And here I am. Once again
Well. No complaints though. Whatever happens, happens. There comes a serenity in acceptance of one’s true nature. Still, it’s a big world. You’re free to be whoever you wish to be
…Though I wouldn’t change you even a little bit
Social networks are great. Movie Theaters are great. Expensive restaurants are great. Less expensiveones are awesome. Going to them with friends is great. Making lots of friends is great. Talking is great. People and what they do is just..great
But I hate all of this and all of them. I despise it all. It makes the very gut of mine twist and turn and go purple.
We have this page on fb, that says “Humans of —(my college)” and all I see is pictures and quotes of bunch of *famous* people from our college and everyone acting as if they give a shit. I mean they are famous already now we have a page to celebrate them. Now I remember why I left fb. I don’t hate them, per say..but there is a limit to all the crap and pretending and lying we do everyday. Get real for once and get a life (it’s rich, coming from me)
I joined goodreads recently. And I don’t fancy it..much. It’s a social network of sorts and it’s great I agree. But everyone’s talking on it and I dunno, I feel like lost in a traffic with cars honking around me and I am standing amidst the clamour with no idea where to exit. Maybe we don’t like to know if a lot of people out there are better than us and are doing great or are just..there, maybe it’s just me. I value reading a lot. Books are all I had and have. My parents kept me away from people my entire life on strict purpose. My mom has this theory that children who take a lot of interest in affairs of elders end up as dumb, worthless, no-good boneheads.
And she has a lot of evidence to back it up
All my anti-social behaviour is credited to her and of-course my Dad.
And my sister
And my grandpa
And Thomas Hardy
It’s a lot of things that make us who we are. The childhood, the upbringing, the mommy daddy issues, our very nature, the experiences, the lack of experiences. We are not all bad. No matter how much people vex me, they all have wars of their own to fight. I respect that. And I esp respect the people who don’t pretend around me. If they don’t like me they don’t bother and in return I don’t help them out during the exam session
Na. I do…
I don’t blame them if they give me glares or act as if I’m invisible. It’s rude but who cares. I am weird too. I usually stick my tongue out at total strangers and glare at any guy who dares to step in one mile radius
Crazy is the new normal, ey =)
I just cannot. I don’t write to the end of a notebook, a journal, a rough register. I cannot keep a cellphone for more than 8 months before I get terribly bored of it. Or destroy the living hell out of it.Or lose it. Halfway watching a movie I remember something and whoosh I am off it. Midway reading a book I have this *Inspirational moment* that I put it down to write on that journal I will never write to the last page. The moment I know twenty pages are left…on to the new one. I am getting irritated of this habit now and I am not a good person to be with when I am irritated
I am not a good person to be with any time
So college is off. I wanna kill myself at home
So here’s the list of books I have read in the holidays uptil now and if I make a list of the books I might or I want to read.. I will never read them. If I tell someone I am reading a book while I am, I won’t complete it. If I tell someone that I like some friend, next day I’ll hate her
1) My Uncle’s Dream Fyodor Dostoyevsky
2) The Sirens of Titan Kurt Vonnegut, Jr.
3) Three Men In A Boat Jerome k Jerome
4) Short Stories and poems and two plays of Oscar Wilde
Wonder why I left books to meet people =_= Now my brain’s all messed up and I have to fix the wiring again
anyways. Hail Kindle ! And that old bookshop that sold me that awesome edition of Oscar Wilde’s works
…although I couldn’t eat rest of the month.
Years later if my kids ask me what was the best part or best era of my life.. I would give them a straight narrowed look.. with a secretive knowing smile.. Being a student. Being a student
Now this seems to be a very.. straightforward and boring answer. But really. It is the best part of my life. I am not saying I love medicine I love science.. This was my mother’s dream and I have absolutely no regrets in doing what she wanted me to do. Sure life would’ve been different if I had pursued literature, like my sister. But then it had always been a..hobby.. something to think about while sitting on my sofa back at Dad’s place.. Or something to keep me company as I travelled that long journey back and forth from school. Boy it was a long journey.. that part of me seems so far away but..still.. I loved all of it
Yes. I love it. I love whining about my studies. I love saying BUSSSSSSSSSSSSSS (enough) when the lecture keeps droning on. I love twirling my pen, which I always lose before the day ends. I love having written conversations on the sides of my notes. I love taking notes and twisting everything my teacher says. I love wiggling through that crushing crowd infront of the notice board to find what grades I got in certain test.. I love giving my Professors feisty names. Years later.. God I am gonna miss this. I am gonna miss this all
But who knows.. God gives me a better tomorrow to love. I am not saying everything is perfect.. but today ain’t that bad either….
I know it has been so long I wrote.
But then again.. who missed me.. ? =)
But yeah, I missed Wp
SO, before I started typing I made one big promise that.. HAIBAR do NOT sound pathetic in this post, do NOT make it look like you are the most miserable person in the world. OKAY? My blog is like a slow fire around the college and hostel. Everyone talks ter me like, hey you are the writer, right? You don’t look as if you can hold that kind of *emotions* in you. Great writing! And recently people are like, where are you? No posts, you are even dead on phone and fb. Hey Haibar, I think something has happened, hey haibar hey haibar…
Alright. Alright. Now that my room mates are away and I am stuck in this city due to some paperwork. Hello =)
I have no stories to tell. And I am sure you are not interested in my health or how-I-nearly-punched-a-girl-in-the-gut. Or that it has been raining on and off for so many days, or that I got a new room with two most favourite people of mine. I am so sure you will not like to know about the wind that has been blowing since last evening. It messed up my mind. And that I read about ten books in past few days and that I am addicted to my pillow (I call it Ukulele).
Life’s good. Can’t complain. If you give me one word replies or feel no obligation to talk to me, then fine… I am really too tired to crawl out of my bed in the morning, with my arm killing me, making my eyes water as I clench my teeth. Come on…
Yeah I did t again. Sue me. (rolling eyes)
You know. I am afraid of reading some books, like they will tell me more than I want to know or show me something I have closed my eyes to. It’s lame yes but..huh.. like I am reading The Fault in Our Stars at the moment and I turn every page with a slight..fear (not literally ‘turn’, I have a Kindle, cough). The few pages I have read.. It’s about Cancer. And well. I have nothing more to say…