I cannot help you.
This evening I went out to buy some yogurt. I wore my warmest socks and my coziest sweater and wrapped a nice thick scarf around my head because it was really cold outside. Had a chilly five-minute walk. I don’t have many of these left here since med school finishes soon. I went, met a few friends there. That part was nice since I hadn’t spoken to a soul all day as I was cooped up in my room begging myself to study for the finals. But, I digress.
As I came back, up those stairs and through those corridors, I found myself regretting that I had lost the ability to give a crap. If that is temporary or permanent, I have yet to find out. I cannot find it in me to care about your troubles anymore. I do not have it in me to listen to you sink into a pit of self-indulgence and blurt out a plethora of words I have heard you and so many speak before. I can see them form a cloud of smoke around you, as you get lost in them, talking talking talking… A copy of a copy of a copy. It’s beyond me to bear it any longer.
I didn’t use to be like this, though. I was one of those people who actually feed on other person’s neediness. People who thrive in a co-dependent relationship (if you call that thriving). I was the person who loved hearing the other person talk and loved to give solutions, if asked to, of course. I loved people more for their problems and imperfections than anything else.
But I have lost the ability to connect with you anymore. I do not have the stamina to sit and listen to you be…so common. I do not have the energy to apologize when I fail to meet some mighty and high standards of affection you have in your mind, those cultivated by ill written books and misunderstood classics. I have no place for the guilt you inflict, nor do I have the capability to address the gaping voids you wish someone would fill and the seeping cracks you wish someone would fix. It is impossible for me to go back there. I wish it would pain me more when I tell you: You are on your own. Yes, I might be around as I myself am on this journey like you. I will give you my water if you are thirsty, I will give you my food if you are hungry. But I will not chew it for you. I will slow down if you want to rest yourself. But I will not carry you.
I will not carry you.
I got up on the wrong side of the bed today.
And the summer has just begun
Social networks are great. Movie Theaters are great. Expensive restaurants are great. Less expensiveones are awesome. Going to them with friends is great. Making lots of friends is great. Talking is great. People and what they do is just..great
But I hate all of this and all of them. I despise it all. It makes the very gut of mine twist and turn and go purple.
We have this page on fb, that says “Humans of —(my college)” and all I see is pictures and quotes of bunch of *famous* people from our college and everyone acting as if they give a shit. I mean they are famous already now we have a page to celebrate them. Now I remember why I left fb. I don’t hate them, per say..but there is a limit to all the crap and pretending and lying we do everyday. Get real for once and get a life (it’s rich, coming from me)
I joined goodreads recently. And I don’t fancy it..much. It’s a social network of sorts and it’s great I agree. But everyone’s talking on it and I dunno, I feel like lost in a traffic with cars honking around me and I am standing amidst the clamour with no idea where to exit. Maybe we don’t like to know if a lot of people out there are better than us and are doing great or are just..there, maybe it’s just me. I value reading a lot. Books are all I had and have. My parents kept me away from people my entire life on strict purpose. My mom has this theory that children who take a lot of interest in affairs of elders end up as dumb, worthless, no-good boneheads.
And she has a lot of evidence to back it up
All my anti-social behaviour is credited to her and of-course my Dad.
And my sister
And my grandpa
And Thomas Hardy
It’s a lot of things that make us who we are. The childhood, the upbringing, the mommy daddy issues, our very nature, the experiences, the lack of experiences. We are not all bad. No matter how much people vex me, they all have wars of their own to fight. I respect that. And I esp respect the people who don’t pretend around me. If they don’t like me they don’t bother and in return I don’t help them out during the exam session
Na. I do…
I don’t blame them if they give me glares or act as if I’m invisible. It’s rude but who cares. I am weird too. I usually stick my tongue out at total strangers and glare at any guy who dares to step in one mile radius
Crazy is the new normal, ey =)
I like testing people. I do it all the time. Everyday. Every other moment. Sometimes its obvious. Sometimes it’s subtle. Sometimes I get them to fail, no matter what. My test, My rules. It’s a crazy world up in my head.
Why ramble on into a huge story of what happened or what didn’t? It was such a long while ago. It was a good day, I was born. Dad Mom Sis were happy. They still are. I too am a lot happier. Crap goes on, I deal with it, Crap comes back, I hit it. People get crap in them, I get a blow. First I used to help them out of it.. now I pretty much shove it in their faces and leave.
Happy birthday to me, Happy birthday to me B-)
Now this is cool.
Two years ! It has been two years writing online, two years giving less and less time to my journal, two years since all that stuff that happened in my life that compelled me to just escape and start my life over and again! God ! It has been two years since I sat down and wrote that it was the crappiest thing I ever felt, time flies man, but it seems as if I have been here for forever and ever ey !
I met the most beautiful people here. Ever since I started blogging 8 other friends and acquaintances started doing so and not to mention the people who have kept a secret from me and either they think I don’t know or they are just waaay too insecure.. Sorry =D
Anyways. I am not going to write a big old post here. Nobody wants to know about that. Just thank yer everyone for being there for me. Although a lot of them drifted apart but..hey..change is the only permanent thing in nature. I’m beginning to understand that. So thank you Muki and Billy and Anne and Stance and Alfa and Bubbly and so many people for just being there for me.
I am sorry for everything.
And thanks everyone for reading all that I put here. Most of it is crude and unrefined. Writing is the ONLY thing I know. The only thing I can do without being afraid or being unsure about. I hope this doesn’t stop. I hope, you know, this Purple thing doesn’t get lost in all the yellow =)
I know this post is pathetic.. but well I got fever. Karmic infections, damn yoou