Sleep well, My Angel

And yes..I see him. My God I see him. Staring at the ceiling, eyes empty. I see his quilt lying on the edge of the bed, neatly folded. He doesn’t care. I had taken it all away. His laughter, his smiles. Everything he had, gone or replaced by the memories of a friend he could not meet anymore. Everything lost because of a healer that couldn’t cure anymore. Heart that didn’t beat anymore.. voice not heard anymore

Watching you sleep for so long,
Knowing I can’t turn the rain into sun any more
I’ve given you all that I have,
Now I stand here, too scared to hold your hand.

He will never admit the pain that was a part of him now. I never knew I had become a part of him. I don’t give you strength anymore, you hear me? Conor I don’t do anything but break you anymore. I know that gaping whole I left in your life.. I never wanted to be replaced but the change it has brought in you.. It burns my soul. Rips it apart as every memory stings you. It stings Con, you have to go on. Leave me behind. Let me go

Afraid you might wake to see
The monster that had to leave

You still remember me. You still haven’t move on. You still think of all I ever said, all I ever did. But you forgot.. You were my angel.. you were the one who gave me hope.. you were the one who taught me how to live with pain. Con.. you were the one who helped me breathe. It was you all along. I am here, because of you. It was the life you lived and the time you spent that made me what I was. I don’t care about my pain, I never did. Seeing you in one.. I wish I never existed.. Oh I wish I never did..

‘Cause you see the shelter as the storm
Holding wind to keep you warm,
You are everything to me, this is why I have to leave,
So sleep well my angel.

Yes.. I confess to the winds as you do. I scream to the waters as you do. You are not with me and the world still holds, You are in pain yet my soul persists. You can’t give up. So what if I am not with you? You will live. You promised me.You are not a coward. We have to let go, all those memories and all those times we spent together, the worst thing our friendship could do is cause this pain. And it is doing so. No.. Con.. Stop. Go away. Burn everything that reminds you of me, leave this place, go away, go away

Under the ash and the lies,
Something beautiful once here now dies,
And the tears burn my eyes,
As you sit there, all alone.
I just want to come home,

It’s not like I don’t want to come back, it is not like I don’t peek.. I loved you. I wish we could sit on that pavement again.. and I tell you my stories. I wish I could pout and wait for you to say sorry. I wish I could hit you on head again. I knew I had to go. I kept wishing the day never came. I was wishing that I survive. You know.. I also thought we’d be friends forever.. I also thought I’ll never leave your side….

But you see the shelter as the storm,
Holding wind to keep you warm,
You are everything to me, this is why I have to leave,
So sleep well my angel.
Sleep well, my angel.

I’m sorry
I’m sorry
I’m sorry
I’m sorry

Looking through this window, looking at a friend long lost, gives you nothing. Staring straight and not able to cry. Leaves you with no good. But do I care what I look like? Do I care about myself? I see, with these blasted eyes of mine, him dessicated and withered. I always thought I’ll be lost soon after I went. I feared if I ever ran away, I will never be followed.. But the pain it causes you… I wish I never knew you. I wish you never cried all those tears for me. I wish I could sit and take it all. I wish I could take all those memories away from you.. Oh I wish I could take you away..

You see the shelter as the storm,
Holding wind to keep you warm,
YOu are everything to me, this is why I have to leave
So sleep well, my angel.

Sleep well, my angel. I turn and flap my wings, Soul in torment, I, in a world dark. I look at the moon and take off. There was nothing I can do.. I, dead and I going. Lord take me away..

Audrey?

When she’s gone. Remember, you once loved her

You can shed tears that she is gone, 
or you can smile because she has lived.
You can close your eyes and pray that she’ll come back,
or you can open your eyes and see all she’s left.
Your heart can be empty because you can’t see her,
or you can be full of the love you shared.
You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday, 
or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday.
You can remember her only that she is gone,
or you can cherish her memory and let it live on.
You can cry and close your mind, 
be empty and turn your back.
Or you can do what she’d want:
smile, open your eyes, love and go on

Sitting alone, looking peaceful.. gives you no good. But do I care what I look like? I am here, with warm humid sea winds ruffling my hair. Do I care what does the world think about me? Do I care if they stare at me, click their tongues impatiently and give those sympathetic remarks? The only thing I knew was that she was gone.. and the world would never be the same..

It has been a month since Audrey died. A month has passed away and yet my heart beat persists. A month has gone by and yet..yet I breathe. I considered ending it and running forward to meet her but I know she’ll lift those disappointed eyes.. Coward. If living in this brooding pain makes me any braver than hey Audrey.. hey I am far more braver than the friend you left behind…

The wind rushes past me and stings my eyes… I stare straight. She lived so much.. she lived her life away with me.. Maybe the people who have to leave early share a lot with us…Giving us so much to hold on later. I remember her.. That oxygen mask clamped to her face and that IV deep into her vessels.. I can see her strapped in that ward.. I can picture her so clearly… how she removed the mask as I came to her, not caring that her breath got uneven. She had looked deep into my eyes.. her gaze filled with apology… filled with uncertain guilt. At that time.. at the time of her leaving to the silent side… She was.. apologizing?

Why.. why Audrey.. I know you never told me about your cancer.. But why did you look at me like that? Why did you, in that broken voice, leave me your diaries..? You know I never was one of those strong people.. You knew me.. You were the one who mended me. And yet you gave me all that stuff I’ll never have the courage to even hold steadily

I miss you. Oh yes. Everything I do.. in every thought I possess, It’s you. People tell me to move on.. What do they mean hah? Forgetting you? I can’t do that. I don’t mourn. I just.. miss you. I don’t ask you back.. I don’t pray for the impossible. I don’t stammer at your mention. I don’t cry for you in front of everyone.. That Joe you liked… he already is out for someone. That brother of yours, gone Audrey. That high school friend you cared so much for.. She didn’t even come on the funeral. Nobody mentions you anymore.. some may remember you. But none like me.. never like me

I don’t know what to say, what to do.. every moment I spent thinking about you gives me air. Gives me strength. As if I am paying you back for all that love you gave me. You know.. I thought we’d be friends forever.. I thought you’d never leave my side..

Except I am confused, I am tired. I wake up early in the morning and work till late. I don’t try to run from your memories. I don’t try to busy my thoughts to block you away. You left a gaping hole in my life.. And I don’t want it to be occupied.. I don’t want anybody now, friend.. You are gone and I am still breathing…

My eyes well up as I understand again that she won’t come back, she can’t peek in. I don’t care if I am a boy.. I don’t care if anyone sees me. Hot tears gush down my face and I grab her grey diary tight to my chest. The wind howls and the tide wets my bare feet.. Love is far deeper than we possibly take it to be…Love is pure. Love is innocent. It’s enough to live this life with it’s ups and downs… But she isn’t here to share it anymore… She isn’t here to give it anymore…

They say to watch what you do because the past will come back and haunt you

“Terror is an acute and pronounced form of fear. It is an overwhelming sense of immediate personal danger. It can also be caused by perceiving the object of a phobia. Terror may overwhelm a person to the point of making irrational choices and atypical behaviour. Paranoia is a term used to describe a psychosis of fear. It is experienced as long-standing feelings and perceptions of being persecuted. Paranoia is an extreme emotional state combined with cognitions or, more specifically, delusions that one is in danger. This degree of fear may indicate that a person has changed his or her normal behavior in extreme or maladaptive ways.”


I can feel my eyes. Dropping eyelids shutting the light away. I can feel the tautness in the muscles of my face. My back is stiff. My arms pain.

And fear is in my heart. Yet I am here to embrace it. I am here to embrace the fear following me since my childhood. I summoned it finally. It had been following me ever since but… from behind the curtains. I had done something. I had let the monster in.

Shall I even call it a monster? I don’t who it is or what it is. I only know it fills my soul with terror. Horror grips every fibre of my body, and I gulp air. I know when I first saw it. It was dark, I was in a transition state. Asleep yet awake. I felt it. I felt it there. Watching me. Waiting me to sleep so it could drink my blood.

I woke up next day. It was a dream. A silly dream. My nine-year old young mind dismissed the very idea of its truth. It never happened.

But then I grew up

With everyday passing. The realities became known to me. I was special. There was something in me that separated me from others. I protected my abilities. Never penetrated them myself. My life became caught in other problems. I even forgot my childhood, my past. my old self. I stopped remembering. Breaking and mending I went on, never saw backwards.

They say whoever looks back becomes of stone. One day my shell broke. I freed myself from the chains of lies and deceit. Once again, I retreated to search my own soul, my own self

And the monster returned

I don’t know what I did. But he crossed the boundaries and entered my home. I can feel him now. I can feel him watching me from his black, cold eyes. I can feel him smiling that menacing smile as he knows I acknowledge his presence. When I sleep I can feel him staring from my back at the light issuing from my cellphone. I almost expect him to pass his triangular, pointed fingers over my face. I can see him sulking in the kitchen as I get up to drink water at midnight. I expect him to float and whisper in my ear… I am back Eustacia…back again  to take you away…

I clutch my amulet. The name of Almighty wrung around my neck. My dad gave me when he saw me terrified of myself one night. But it is something I have to overcome myself. He is waiting for something, the right time to pounce, the right time to quench his thirst, The chance he lost nine years ago..

I close my eyes and take a shuddering breath. He is still around in my house. He’ll disappear in the morning and I will feel the walls of my house free of some taut pressure. I surrender to my brain and I drift away. Waking up next day in a strangely lighter air.

But oh, the night will come again

I was looking at the horizon

I was standing at the edge of a cliff. Ah. This cliff. I have been driving over this road whole of my life, but never stopped at this edge to look at this rushing water spitting foam. Cold. Yes it was cold. I looked at my bare feet barely noticing the cold biting through them, glancing at them and back at the roaring water. Some vain thought compelled me to sit down over the rough edge, with my legs dangling outward, my hands resting in my lap.

I feel so cold.. so cold. That’s the only thing, the only feeling I was yet aware of. Then I pulled my legs closer and wrapped myself over them. Rocking back and forth. Back and forth. Now I feel bad. And the wind blows around me.. Not caressing me but hitting my bare face like iron. This cruelty stings me. My swollen eyes get filled with tears. Rubbing my eyes over my knees I bury myself in my skirt, muffling my cries, for the waters had gone quiet to listen me. Stopped to look at me. Like everyone else they just stared and then moved on. And it wasn’t like I always made a show of myself… My feelings remained in me until some really good player coaxed them out.. And people whom I let in… were generally flawless players…

And the wind blew even harder, so I cried harder, for I could not stop. I had given up. My brain felt wounded bleeding… My feet were raw of the running I had done all the way…Since when did this cheery healer become so bruised? Since when did this girl feel so much for herself? Aye? I hated these questions that were cropping up. I hated what was happening to me… Everybody I love was lost… no… it was my love that was lost. Was it really gone? It meant… I was nothing? But.. but.. cold? too cold

Stuttering I got up, my face was dry and I was looking at the horizon. I took a step back, and my foot slipped. As I fell I saw a man with his hand outstretched. He was here.. here to pull me back.

Maybe

Here lie I Timon

I was passing the graveyard… one of the most lonely places I had ever been to..It had the same old air about it as we read in books and similar to what we see in movies…Time suddenly started to  flow very slowly as I found myself amidst a thousand memories.. threatening to drown me. I could remember myself in that play yard holding a dying a friend.. But his tiny body wasn’t buried here.. He wasn’t here to call my name again…He was gone and had left my memories bruised to the extent that I still bleed..

Was she here too? My flesh my blood torn apart from me before I could barely have the loved feeling? But ah her grave was lost soon after she was buried… She was gone and wiped away from the world’s memories as if she never existed… She wasn’t here to call my name…

Was he here too? A man who loved me more than seven fathers? Was he here to see his child was bruised? Was he here to tell me he still listened to my cries deep in the night and that he still remembered that I loved him more than mum? Will he stop me and tell me I’ll be alright? Will he hear if I say I love him? Will he call my name and hold me back?

Now I pictured that white beard and that white dress… I could hear the old man teaching me the Holy Book…. I could hear him teaching me basics of a human being… I could see him reading books through his thick glasses… He was the same man who walked across the hall on his old legs to see his grand-daughter’s sprained ankle in the epic netball match..It was against his nature to love and care for girls but ah I had always been special…Was he here too? Was his pure soul waiting for his grand daughter to come at his grave? Would he call me and ask me about his books? I would tell him they were safe I would tell him I loved him… something I never had the guts to say…

Were my dead uncles here too? The same who came at our place at every festival and brought me so much stuff? Was my grandma here too? The same who used to stand in cold scolding me to wear my cardigan…?

I closed my eyes and they were dry I felt my heart it was steady… I dragged myself away from the buzz of these memories, there was no one to call me back, For this graveyard had long been silent…

I had gone far. I had reached the end of the my world. I was done with lies. I was done with games. The world I lived in will not let me stay happy. And the ones who would’ve cared, won’t call anymore. So far away now… I started digging my own grave. It was about time