The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept

Shadows in sun

It’s all going to be the same. The dark times, the low hours. Write a different story,make up different scenarios. Trust different people, love different shades. Hide, hope. Leave, stray. It’s all gonna be the same.

There’s that caution in the air. When to say what, where to what.What if she finds out,What if he found out. Don’t want him to know I’m happy, don’t want to tell her I am sad. Guard those emotions, write a hundred stories with the same basic idea and pain that the words start to seem fake and the emotions all monotonous and cliché.

Walk the same roads, eat the same food, make the same jokes, laugh the same laugh, walk the very walk and run the very track. Cry every birthday, anniversary, party, holiday. Make the same mistakes over and over again

Waiting for that tomorrow to make everything right.
Waiting for that Sun after the night
Tell me I talk vague
Hit me, I don’t see your face
Walk away in your cowardice, 
or stay in that mere shame.
You tell me I am not here
I live in a galaxy far away
I look around and see the world
And see your sigh hanging in the air
You tell me I am different and so strange
Look through my eyes, It’s all just the same
 
old man watching out the window
 
 
 

Sebastian and Leah: Illusions

Green corridor

It is a great night, more cooler than it should be. The summers are parting and winters are headed this way. I sat in the endless corridor, with my cup of tea and a notebook in my hand. I gotta finish studying this topic by midnight. I gotta get over it by midnight

But do we keep the promises we make with ourselves, let alone keeping those we make with others.? It has become a habit of ours. Saying things we cannot do, wanting things we cannot have, holding on to things that no longer can stay, it’s the stupid nature of the impractical human. It’s just one of those things we do

So, I quickly skim through the entire thing. Close my eyes and repeat the difficult parts to myself. Slurp the tea as loudly as I can, and smile to myself as I hear the absurd sound amplified in the cold corridor. I like this place.

I can hear them sounds at the end of the passage, someone’s coming my way. I get back to my notes and start reading them again. He comes and sits by me. I haven’t seen him a long time. I heard he was busy out there, and so was I, in my own illusions, in the virtual that don’t stay

Last time I met my friend, I was burning with hatred and anger. Last time he came when I was far too weak to breakaway, far too weak to hold my head up. Too open, too vulnerable. Transparent. And now, it felt like a big wall around myself, and I was finally locked inside it, last time I had a few people who helped me pull through all the mess in my life. And now here I am and there is no one out there I could call out to. I don’t want to.

But then, things change. One changes. Yes the true essence of the heart and the soul doesn’t go, it shouldn’t go but the skin becomes hard, the armour becomes impenetrable, if you’re lucky, the hatred, the anger, the venom all fades away, because it all got flushed out too long ago. The only feeling left this time is..tireness. And  boy, I am tired..

So I wasn’t gonna sob, I wasn’t gonna cry, I wasn’t gonna find that poison and let it sting hard. There’s too much of that in the air already. So I pick up my brown cup of tea, and clink against the white one in Sebess’ hand, no matter how hard it is, there are some people who soften the blow. Their voices soothe the very fires inside. I was glad my friend was here, and that truth I was afraid to realize seeped into me slowly..

If it’s meant for you, you won’t have to beg for it…you will never have to sacrifice your dignity for your destiny.

If one was ever a true friend, the friend will stay…or else it’s all illusion.

It passes..

man and tea

Quote by Ritu Ghatourey

College, oh my college =P

Woman reading

It’s a small quiet room it’s a small quiet place. I feel good. And deep. I came back in here after a long tour across the whole building. Said hello hi to all my mates. Cracked some jokes talked some more and back to the old shack we come..

What shall I do now.. read a book? Study? Sketch? Write? Or just lie down and sleep early tonight. I met such a nice humble person today and it feels so nice. I am attracted and pulled towards people with stable energies like you wouldn’t believe. I can’t make friends and be at peace with them if the energies don’t match.. Okay.. I am rambling..

So sitting in the auditorium with tens of people walking around, all hopped up on the coming week filled with fun at college. We get only one week and it is a blast every year. Every one is doing something.. painting.. acting.. singing.. playing basketballbaseballvolleyballtennisbadmintonnetballchessdarts.. And all the literary stuff is also going on. Someone is writing poems someone is jotting down essays.. even the Urdu people are going on with the fun you wouldn’t believe.. but I am better suited with the good old English ey. And I am nothing like the jumpy thing I was at school poking my nose in everything I can lay my hands on (lol) Anyways this place just is everything except a medical college right now.. And the energy is contagious!

Anyways. I better read a book now aye, my roomie is nowhere to be seen

Dracula, here I come =P

bram-stokers-dracula

Lingering grief

It’s like two people talking across the oceans. I am sitting on one shore he’s on the other. We lie on the sands and talk, so far away, but don’t cross the waters. This is not because we can’t.. it’s just because we don’t want to. We watch the sun going down and silence etching like shards of crystalline ice as the sands turn cold..

It’s a sad thing. The feeling of lingering grief. That melancholy is in the air because ..you know.. maybe the last boat we so knowingly missed.. was the last one that might ever leave…

boat and night

Life without exceptions

That’s how I live it now

Exceptions, mind you. All my life I have been.. a tad introvert. Not my fault nor do I complain, I was bred this way and I am so set in my own ways. It was very difficult to make friends in old times but slowly I got over it. I still cringe from large groups. A small tight group of friends. Meanwhile now I can talk to….anyone

But all my life I kept a lot of things to myself. Not my fault, me and my parents are two entirely different entities and mom never shared her pain with me and I never learned how to do it myself.. and my sister died.. my grandpa died.. everyone closer to my heart left before I understood a lot about myself and the world. I always had one or two people I called the exceptions.. No matter what rules I have in my life.. I will break it for them.. no matter how much I run away from the world I will not turn my back on them. I might ban the whole world to my heart but when a close friend will ask me what’s wrong.. I will talk.. They were exceptions to the sensitive personality I still posses, and saved myself from a lot of hurt.

Back in the old times, I had a lot of exceptions..

But then.. I stopped.. stopped giving people chances after they broke my heart once, twice, thrice. Stopped talking if they cut in once, twice, thrice.. so on and so forth. And now I sit here, amongst a wall of books, wrapped in a maroon shawl with cold hands and with… so many friends.. I am the local clown for God’s sake.. I can make people laugh with a bam ! There was time I would cry over a stupid thing and yesterday when a friend found out that I was quite unstable after a viva the other day…. she was taken aback… Haibar.. you.. can cry?

It’s nothing to be proud of but still..it was so ironic…

I don’t make exceptions anymore.. The more the days go by the more comical and sarcastic I become. Like the walls keep forming around me and I bloody don’t mind.. It’s like I am far far far away from all those people I once loved and you know what..it’s their fault.. you leave a friend alone in a crowd and expect her to be the same at the end of the day when she had to fight all the stuff herself when she knew she had a friend nearby? Being alone all by yourself is another thing and to be deliberately left out is completely different. It hurts more

But still..flashes of me remain. I will still leave everything if you call for help. Even if not.. passing in the hallway I will give you a smile as pure as the ray of light. But then..gone are the days I broke promises with myself.. If I am gone. I am dead. The dead may have ghosts about them but you can’t touch the heart in them anymore.. That went with the blood and flesh when the heart stopped beating… The heart you broke..

Once..twice..so many times..

Just rambling, nothing important

I never used to press my clothes at home. Never. We had a maid or mom would get her lovely daughter’s work done =D But, of course.. things are different being away from home, on my own. I don’t even mind it anymore. It’s fun.

So. I pressed an ultra new dress. Black and so deep green. I never used to wear black so much, but now I just wear black all the time (it looks nice =D) I have to go some place tomorrow and well I even painted my nails black (how weird is that). I just ate a big platter of croquettes with my friend (I fried them). I am just so excited about tomorrow ! (some kind of a ceremony) and I hope things go okay, because whenever I am over excited about stuff…something drops from the heavens to scare me. Huff

Today, when I was at college (doing some paperwork that had me stuck in this city for over a week, alone) I was sitting with this girl, who is like not my friend but a distant acquaintance (friend of a friend who has all her classes with me). While we were waiting, she said that hey Haibar, you don’t mind if I say something. I was like, I might but go ahead. She said normally I looked strict and like stuck-to-rules-kind-of-a-girl who is so difficult to be friends with. I was like (eyebrow pinched up), okay.. and then she said that now that she had spent the whole day with me, she found out that I was so different. So soft and understanding. It’s so good to just sit with you and talk. I could never have believed it before, Now I know why (name of a friend) speaks so highly of you. 

I was dumbfounded, literally. Never before had a stranger said that to my face. I just bowed my head and started filling my forms, murmuring a small thank you.

I have been smiling the whole day, as if I wore some sort of invisible shield and everything just bounced off it.

Oh well. We all like to be praised lol, but believe me…

Writers and poets are a bit desperate =D

A thousand miles seems pretty far But they’ve got planes and trains and cars I’d walk to you if I had no other way

 

Hey there Delilah
What’s it like in New York City?
I’m a thousand miles away
But girl, tonight you look so pretty

There are places in the world, of all types and all kinds. Those scenes so beautiful and breathtaking, those valleys hell-hound and horrible. Places have feelings about them, because of the memories they hold or just the eyes that see them. A simple wall can have hundred stories about it, for a hundred broken prisoners saw it, for the hundred people who could never get past it. Over and away

Yes you do
Times Square can’t shine as bright as you
I swear it’s true

But now it’s me. These are my brown eyes, watching what perhaps might be the most lonely and most beautiful thing they ever saw. I am sitting in a dimly lit lawn after dark, I see a new concrete bench in front of me, sheltered by a big tree. I see young grass growing in its feet. I see it, and my breath seems to have lost its way in my heart

Hey there Delilah
Don’t you worry about the distance
I’m right there if you get lonely
Give this song another listen

My Lord, all I can feel is that strange despair. It’s a newly built hostel I live in now. That new bench is there in front of me. I sit across it, on another fine seat, a song humming in my ears. It’s white and shining, years will pass and it will whither, pieces will fall off. Hundreds will sit and another hundred will come. Time will pass. Life will go on

Close your eyes
Listen to my voice, it’s my disguise
I’m by your side

That feeling of waiting. Just standing still in time and space because you know it. You hope. I feel that in the air hung around it, as if a place made and kept for someone who hasn’t come yet. Someone that won’t ever come. She doesn’t know that yet. Hope is there. In the young faces of the grass, in the shining innocence of the bench.

Oh it’s what you do to me
Oh it’s what you do to me
What you do to me

The tree looks down upon all those young faces, new in the path of life, new in the path of yearning. His sorrows I know not, the barrier around his soul is too strong and too wise for me to comprehend. All I know is I will never have the courage to go sit on that bench. I come and sit across it every evening and hear to the same song. But I can never just go and feel what really is there to be felt. It’s not made for me. I will not understand. Just like being in love with someone who will never see your love, because his eyes were not made for you, his heart beats would never sync to the faltering rhythm that is gonna die in you. Just like waiting for a bus which you know will already be full, and still waiting when you know you have no place to go even if one day it ever stopped  where you stood

Hey there Delilah
I’ve got so much left to say
If every simple song I wrote to you
Would take your breath away
I’d write it all
Even more in love with me you’d fall
We’d have it all

I stare at that bench for thirty long minutes untill a single tear rolls down my cheek. Before I can wipe that off my face is hit by a silent waterfall. I never knew that something so lonely could look so pure, so innocent. Something standing still in mud and dirt would move my dying heart

A thousand miles seems pretty far
But they’ve got planes and trains and cars
I’d walk to you if I had no other way
Our friends would all make fun of us
and we’ll just laugh along because we know
That none of them have felt this way
Delilah I can promise you
That by the time we get through
The world will never ever be the same
And you’re to blame

But then, you know, it might just be these brown eyes….

Hey there Delilah
You be good and don’t you miss me
Two more years and you’ll be done with school 
And I’ll be making history like I do
You’ll know it’s all because of you
We can do whatever we want to
Hey there Delilah here’s to you
This one’s for you

Everyday.. every moment

Hey… Hello again. What am I doing? Sitting in the computer lab because I finished with my disaster of a viva early and I am just so bored

So… wassup with me now a days? Nobody bothers to know what’s going on with you. We are too sickly selfish for that =P But my blog my space my thoughts.. Yeah

I am just… simply the same. I have a new bunch of room mates now.. and frankly speaking I am just…okay… I am trying to work over my various ‘instabilities’ and am trying to understand every soul I know. Just tweaking their psychology. Trying to read their aura.. jeez I can never see auras… Real or not real I just so wanna know what colours people possess..

I have always been a sort of..away and separate person. Just like my sister who would never have her friend sit with another classmate because she never wanted to lose even a part of her. But that was a great friendship. I used to envy her friend. I love her. She was great. My Baji was one bright light that made me see so much. Then that light went out. And I hate it now.

You know what.. the right time to judge someone is when they don’t have to depend on you. When they are not alone. When they have a crowd who loves them yet they look back, tug your arm and yank you out in the party. Because nobody else matters as you do. That is when you know that, yes, the person…cares. When I have you and all you have is me… it’s just survival. Nothing more nothing less. If we stand back and cherish all the greater things that happened, many more smiles will come. And I need happiness to spread. I need that energy, but pure and innocent. Like running behind the clothes that tend to fly away from the line in strong wind. That feeling of running to bring a friend under the umbrella because oh, it’s raining

The thing about hearts is, that they change. But change is a part of life. Maybe heart needs that

But why doesn’t mine…

Here’s to me. Here’s to you

The world is just..too big sometimes. When I stand in the dissection hall filled with fervent and anxious people about to have a nice dose of the examiners in sub-stage… I feel… drained.. as if the energy leaks out from unknown pores.. or holes I don’t know.. All I want is to just stay far away. First reaction I ever have to people is utter and urgent repulsion. I just want to get away from their very aura. The sink sometimes is too much for my body to handle.

There’s nowhere to go, hon. We make homes ourselves. One has to learn how to work things out. I am learning. The place I now live seems to have harboured all the great winds in the world… Let’s breathe and pray.. try and make things work for you. College is great. Mates are fun. Heart is the same. Soul learning the new ways of living. Breathe and break free. There’s always a new day, a new spring and a new post in which I might be able to write something less balderdash

Haibar

Oh Gosh, now I know what’s wrong with me!

I was just typing and trashing a long post on how people I care about and a new perspective that has changed my life and how I view things when I, by an accident, stumbled into a wonderful article that was just light. I mean yeah my eyes were dripping like anything before that. Mom was ill and that literally blew the air out of me, and I just simply have low immunity for harsh words. So I finally found what is wrong with me! It is an amazing article you people got to read this and visit the site! And read my ending lines for the sake of Love

GUYS! I AM AN HSP aka HIGHLY SENSITIVE PERSON

A Guide to Living as a Highly Sensitive Person

Introduction

It is now estimated that as many as 1 in 5 people are what may be called a highly sensitive person. Do you find yourself easily irritated, quick to anger and low on patience? Do sudden and loud noises disturb you excessively? Have you found yourself experiencing unusual health problems? Are you becoming more sensitive to the foods you eat? If you are experiencing some of these symptoms which are commonly associated with hypersensitivity, you may be a highly sensitive person, and learning about the condition can make a significant contribution to your health and happiness.

Definition of a Highly Sensitive Person

Highly sensitive people, also known as individuals who are hypersensitive or people with overexcitabilities, are simply otherwise normal human beings who happen to have the as of yet still uncommon trait of being extremely sensitive to stimuli, both internal and external.

Hypersensitivity can be an asset yet more often than not is a handicap because HSP’s, as they are also known, usually are not sufficiently aware of or educated about their very own nature, and so tend to suffer silently. In fact, highly sensitive individuals are often plagued with physical and health problems, occasionally resulting in debilitating physical handicaps when the mismanagement of their lives is not rectified.

Common Symptoms of Hypersensitivity

Following is a list of common symptoms and experiences that highly sensitive people normally suffer from. If in reading the following list of symptoms you find that you can identify with these experiences, there is a good chance you are a highy sensitive person. Recognizing and understanding the phenomenon and its role in your life will be critical to being able to not only live a full, healthy and happy life, but will also be essential in awakening to your divine purpose.

  • Easily bothered by sudden or loud noises.
  • Troubled by disorder in the environment.
  • Unduly affected by the emotions and states of other people.
  • Deeply troubled by conflict or violence.
  • Sensitive to foods, smells and environmental chemicals.

Hypersensitivity Explained

Highly sensitive people are typically empathic, and this further complicates their lives. Empaths are those who feel very deeply the emotional energy of others, and for the HSP who is untrained in recognizing and understanding the condition so as to be able to learn how to shield and protect oneself from the chaotic and imbalanced energies of other human beings, life can be a living hell simply as a result of the people they are surrounded by.

It appears that a growing percentage of the population are becoming hypersensitive. Some estimates put the ratio at even 15-20% of all people. For the most part, hypersensitivity is a genetically influenced trait, although environmental factors play a significant role in its expression and in the experience of the condition. The increasing energetic chaos of modern life, amplified by technological development, seems to be increasing the occurence of hypersensitivity among human beings.

Drawbacks and Dangers of Being a Highly Sensitive Person

Hypersensitivity which is not properly addressed and managed can lead to even debilitating consequences, affecting every aspect of a person’s life. Here are some of the potential consequences of not understanding and addressing your unique needs.

  • Poor Physical Health. An entire slew of physical conditions typically affect highly sensitive people, ranging from mild to serious food sensitivities, allergies, joint and muscle pain. If the trait is unconsidered and aggravated enough, it can eventually leads to auto-immune disorders such as lupus, fibromyalgia and even cancer. The excessive energetic imbalance to which HPS’s are susceptible interferes with proper hormone production and can result even in damaged and inflamed organs, further complicating one’s health condition.
  • Emotional Instability. The highly sensitive person can be described as porous, and as such they typically have little defense against the energetic states of other people. Because of their open nature, they are particularly sensitive to anger, conflict, depression and unappiness in others. HSP’s tend to internalize these imbalanced states and emotions as if they were their own, and so may often be plagued with pain in relationships. Consequently, hypersensitive people tend to become irritable and quick to anger, although they tend not to hold onto these emotions. Unfortunately, persistent emotional instability typically leads to some form of substance abuse as a means of coping, and HSP’s can succumb to the abuse of food, alcohol and even drugs.
  • Practical Problems. Due to their increased experience with pain, highly sensitive people are often overly cautious and fearful, particularly when making choices. Because they tend to think deeply, they are generally unecessarily encumbered by the fear of consequences even when addressing trivial matters. They tend to be indecisive. And because they feel at a deeper level, they are often more timid, shy, and even reclusive.
  • Relationship Trouble. Because “normal” people do not experience things as profoundly as do hypersensitive individuals, their friends and companions  often do not understand the extreme sensitivity of HSP’s, in effect wounding them almost continually out of ignorance. Non-HSP systems are different, and whereas a normal individual usually has a much thicker layer of protection against stimuli and energy, the highly sensitive person typically has practically no defense against external chaos. This can lead to extreme complications in relationships with normal people who often simply do not understand what the HSP goes through.

The truth of the matter is that the highly sensitive individual has an overly developed sense of self, ego, and this necessitates spiritual development. For the HSP, failure equals death, and so out of a deep fear of failure they are often doomed to unhappy and ungratifying circumstances, seldom realizing their unique gifted potential.

On this note, I will quote here what Pearl S. Buck, recipient of the Pulitzer Prize in 1932 and of the Nobel Prize in Literature in 1938, said regarding the highly sensitive person:

The truly creative mind in any field is no more than this:
A human creature born abnormally, inhumanly sensitive.
To him… A touch is a blow,
A sound is a noise,
A misfortune is a tragedy,
A joy is an ecstasy,
A friend is a lover,
A lover is a god,
And failure is death.

Add to this cruelly delicate organism the overpowering necessity to create, create, create… So that without the creating of music or poetry or books or buildings or something of meaning, his very breath is cut off from him. He must create, must pour out creation. By some strange, unknown, inward urgency he is not really alive unless he is creating.

Pearl S. Buck

Benefits and Advantages of Being a Highly Sensitive Person

The above quote now leads us to the significant and unique advantages of being a highly sensitive person, and to the unique gifts you have to offer the world.

Dr. Kazimiers Dabrowski in his Theory of Positive Disintegration and Overexcitabilities shows that highly sensitive people are gifted with a higher development potential. Usually, HSP’s are:

  • Creative by nature. It has been said that all truly talented and gifted human beings are highly sensitive persons, yet most HSP’s never express their true creative genius.
  • More aware. Because of their open and sensitive nature, HSP’s are usually aware of much more than the normal person. This gives them a much more sensitive tool with which to learn, grow, develop and understand.
  • Have a greater development potential. Hypersensitivity is indicative of a spiritual energy field that is resonating at a higher frequency, hence its increased alertness, and so HSP’s are genetically predisposed with a great potential and capacity for personal development and evolution.

Suggestions for Living as a Highly Sensitive Person

For those who are hypersensitive, the following suggestions and guidelines can make the difference between happiness and misery, success and failure.

  • Be physically active. Because the highly introspective and intelligent nature of highly sensitive people will generally draw them into occupations which are more mental than physical, a lack of grounding will exacerbate imbalance in their systems and lives. For HSP’s, daily physical activity is a must. Exercise daily to keep your energy system operating efficiently and this will lead to greater confidence, creativity, health and emotional state.
  • Adopt a healthy diet. Because oversensitive individuals will tend to react much more strongly to foods, it is highly suggested that you embrace as natural and raw a diet as possible. Avoid processed foods, typically prepared with chemical additives and preservatives and devoid of real nutrients. In addition to being physically active, with a proper diet you will experience even greater levels of vitality, balance and well-being. Because the HSP system is so much more sensitive, it responds rapidly to changes and proper conditions. By eliminating overstimulating foods such as caffeine and sugar, you will begin experiencing greater energy levels and a much more powerful immune system.
  • Detoxify your life. Avoid toxins not only in the foods you eat, but also in your environment and in your relationships. Learn to identify foods that adversely affect your system. Embrace a holistic lifestyle as much as possible. Chemicals found in common household products and manufacturing are toxic and can wreak havoc on the HSP immune system. And until you learn through spiritual development to process negativity, avoid negative people, situations and environments as much as possible.
  • Learn to focus. Master the art and skill of focusing your attention on one thing at a time. Because we live in an age of technological innovation, take extra care particularly when working on a computer, an instrument that tends to inherently disperse one’s focus in endless directions. Do one thing at a time. By controlling and limiting the focus of your attention, you will not only be more productive and efficient, you will avoid the unnecessary stress and overwhelm that plagues most people.
  • Engage in spiritual development. Last, but certainly not least, engage in spiritual development. This is really the heart of the matter, and the true gift of being a highly sensitive person. For the highly sensitive person, developing mentally, emotionally and spirituality is critical. It may be said that this is the very reason, the necessity of evolution, for the global increase in sensitivity. To necessitate evolution.

Your Divine Purpose

Throughout this article, I have described hypersensitivity primarily in terms of the physical nervous system. Yet the reality of the matter is that the phenomenon isenergetic, or spiritual in nature. Also, I have deliberately avoided the the term “disorder” when referring to hypersensitivity because in reality the phenomenon is agift. Hypersensitivity is a sign of a spiritually evolved soul (or it may be said of a soul that is ready to evolve), and this latent potential deserves to be developed.

By learning to develop your soul’s capacity to process life, you will un-limit your creativecapacity which otherwise remains dormant. Through overcoming the fear and inertia that tends to keep hypersensitive individuals unnecessarily stuck in life, they become free to not only pursue purpose and passion, but to make a significant contribution to the lives of others and to the world at large.

Because highly sensitive individuals respond so much quicker than the general population to stimuli, HSP’s are human indicators of a divine guidance system to assist development in accordance with the will of Life. They see and feel the effects of certain courses of action well before the general population becomes aware of them. In this regard hypersensitive individuals are not unlike the rose bush, which is often planted in a vineyard as an early warning system of disease in the soil. Because the rose will react much sooner than the grape vines, it provides an early warning system for measures to be taken to save the crop.

Now that you are better educated about your own nature, you can begin using it to unveil your divine purpose and assist the world in moving forward, in progressing intelligently in harmony with nature and Divine Will.

I hope you liked the amazing thing by the writer. I just ask for one humble thing. Sensitive people have a lot of problems that are, maybe, due to their own mistakes. But you know them when you see them. Try being humble and try to understand them. They are wonderful people deep down and become faithful friends. And losing them might be the worst thing you can bring upon yourself. Just don’t give up. They’ll work it out eventually. Give them a moment to breathe. They love like no one else and it is not their fault…

Yeah I know. I am one of them.