It’s better to burn out than fade away

Ok. I and a bunch of friends got kicked out because we were late for a lecture (but no we actually went on a detour from canteen through the grounds in to the basement =D) not kicked out.. we didn’t go in after we saw the self study class filled with my crazy theetha batch with girls and guys nodding at us treacherously “Undr mut ana!” (Don’t come in!)

So I came to the computer lab. After this I have a PBL class (problem based learning). Then I go back hostel. Grab my bags, call a cab, run down the bus station get my tickets, jump into the bus and back home. It’ll take five hours, blah

Jee. I am so sad..

I mean. I don’t feel like talking to anyone. I don’t feel like making all the crappy jokes I am known for. I don’t wanna go out and have fun. My hand is still blue from the hike. 3 hours of hiking with my worn out shoes and walking all the way back because the first years got lost or what… It was fun! It was so.. damn.. fun. Rain, hail, twisting roads, mountains, the great Mosque, the greenery, the pine corner, the stones… The cup full of ice gola the great expensive restaurant the band the crowd the clamour…Allah.

But then the three weeks of papers

And then I am exhausted

It feels strange. Why am I writing over here? I can just simply fill a page of my journal. I can quietly fade away. Sometimes it feels as if I am one of those goody good side roles in movies. People who are very good but they die before the movie finishes and are barely remembered after the end titles. I don’t wanna have that role. I have my own story. Or rather I want to have my own story, rather than being a part of so many anecdotes. Sigh. Or I’d rather be Mysterious Mr. Quin. But no.. I have a tendency to give people chances to find me. Once, twice.. thrice

 

Oh never mind. If it’s meant to be, it’s meant to be

You can’t break what’s already broken..

 

 

Born alone die alone.. classic human tragedy

Have to type down the thoughts before the winds blow the composition away. Before the head drops down and the heart beat falters. Before the words fail me and the fate disappoints me. Gotta write it down, gotta pen it away.

When I am satisfied and content, my heart soars into the skies and brushes past the clouds. You know that.. that expression of relief and happiness when I leave whatever I am doing to help someone understand the attachment of sartorius (a muscle) ? I mean just that expression makes me fly. I just love that feeling that because of me someone’s work got done someone was happy… it just makes me go wild. Literally. AYE

You know… why I do it? No matter how hard it is for me to get up and go out and help a friend out in her work.. I try my level best to help her.. because I know the feeling of being stranded alone. I know how do you feel when you ask someone to help you and all you get is a refusal masked in poor consolation. I know what it feels like to be turned down again and again. So I try not to it myself. I know it feels.

With ten girls eating my head in an anatomy group demo I can just go on and say a few words and sit in a corner and study myself. I can go and make my own sandwich I can go mix myself a cup of tea… Some might say I help because It’s for my revision. Some might say maybe I want my dishes to be washed. Some others might say something else to disguise my persona as one of them

I am not One of you

I search people. I do. I can feel energies all around me. But only a few compel me to lift my head up and actually look in that direction. I have a lot of friends, people with good humour always do. But its different.. strange how never in my life I have found anyone who would leave a comfy warm bed for me. Who would bust a night’s sleep because you’re afraid of stuff that doesn’t exist… Not even one mate not even one friend…

Mom? Dad? They love me, come one there is no point of bringing them into my cynical and optimistic mosaic monologue lol

Maybe that is what makes me happy. That I am someone you are NOT! I hate things liked by everyone I love things nobody notices I am tall I talk funny (most of the at times) it all separates me and boy, I was brought up this way! And aye, I am glad. If I had never been through what I went through.. who knows what I would’ve become

I am not asking for a return. I am a believer. And when you are a believer…

 

Answers come easy =)

 

Here I am Once again..

It was another long day. Tiring and heavy. Got up early, roamed around the city for stuff. Came back home with my arms screaming and feet cursing. But.. I don’t mind. It was not so bad. Kind of fun when you take it as a journal in your brain and write as the smoke from the vehicles streaks your lungs.. =P

I am back home now. I have washed my face and freed my feet. I am leaning back and am breathing deep. Vacant. I am vacant. But not sad or unhappy. That counts. That counts a lot

I was reading Robert Frost on my cell last night, after reading a chapter from The Vampire Lestat (Anne Rice). It was so calm. Sitting deep into my sofa. Switching the lights off. Mom with her folks in the hall. I have nothing to say. Really. I am blank. And I just wanna hear someone talking and I would just listen and listen and listen and blend in the darkness and vanish. I have never felt like this.. And the dreams have turned strange too..

Anyways.. Last night I was listening to Josh Groban and talking to people in my head. I just know that it’s going to be so hard for me to fall in love. Just a stupid thought. I know how to block my feelings. If I die.. My body won’t be there in the tunnels.. nor at the bottom of a cliff.. it would be on a shore,

I trust the waters you know.. I trust the winds that blow to and fro…

The heart can think of no devotion
Greater than being shore to ocean –
Holding the curve of one position,
Counting an endless repetition. 

 

(Poem: ‘Devotion’ by Robert Frost)

I glued the broken mirror

It’s us. It’s me. We all have a whole world situated in us or maybe our world is us ourselves. It’s too ironic, it’s too strange, too captivating. The variety of emotions we possess. The amount of them we let free. The persona we develop. And the.. the destiny

What am I? What do I really know? What percentage of life and destiny do I really understand? What part do you understand? Why do I even ponder on it? Why do we all? What’s the true meaning and reason of our actions? How much do they affect us and the people around us? Why what’s the problem with me…

It’s a mess. We all make so many mistakes and the losses stay with many of us. And we all live in future; whether it is the Sapien nature or what but it is always the future. We live for future. I do. Every second I live in pain I say there will be a better tomorrow. With every person backstabbing me I still trust that someone someday truly won’t. With every fake relation, I trust in another to prove me wrong that one day ONE DAY I will be paid off. One day the circle of life will be completed. I can’t really hope but why don’t I just stop wishing.. Why don’t I? Why don’t so many people I know. I feel like a mad person telling others to hope and trust and blablablablah. When deep down I wanna scream unto their faces. IF IT HASN’T HAPPENED, TRUST ME IT WON’T

I have a distant friend whose dad left her mom and married some psycho damsel in distress. She told me everything yet I was then a masked stranger, She said what every reeking person says to me, “You understand, As if you knew the pain” No dude I never did. Overtime she used to say that one day, one day, her dad will come back to her mom. But.. no.. if once you lose someone… Buddy you lose them forever… I wish I could see straight in her eyes and tell her so. Tell her to.. move on. The future she’s awaiting will never be like the one she dreams. It seldom is. You have to be very lucky for that…. and are we really so?

Me? I’m losing hope. No more search for love. If it’s there. It will find me. If not.. I think I pretty much have learned how to survive…

What a great liar have I become….

.Dated: 15 Oct 2011

Anger: Thou cometh again

Indignation and anger. They are the things that have the power to unleash all the suppressed feelings I possess. They have the ability to charge each and every pore of my body and flush my fair cheeks scarlet. I can feel blood rushing to my face and the adrenaline surge clearing my view. I am angry and times are gone I let it in and run away or give up. Yes, it is not worth it. Every person is not worth being given a dose of Haibar at the peak of indignation . Karma is enough a friend. What goes around comes around. I am a writer. I am proud of it. I can write my frustration away while you can suck on it

I was right. I am right. I always leave space, a large space, for anyone else’s thoughts. Why? This is a big world and I do not live alone. I don’t want to. Twice in my life I have made the mistake to let my work seen by the totally close minded, or stuck up. Because we have been writing and reading and talking and being talked to or with for a long time does not make us the supreme ruler, nor does it give us the authority to say anything anywhere. There is no limit to learning. No limit to learn from others. But pardonne me, this road runs two ways.

Learn to respect others and what they have to say. If you find anything wrong, humbly point it. Nobody is going to listen if you act and talk crap. Everyone is not Mommy daddy or Uncle auntie. Nor is everyone a friend. If you want to be respected, learn the verb and noun yourself

And don’t judge me till you don’t know me. I am the most humble person on Earth. But when the rotation goes counter-clockwise, I no longer stay quiet

Jee, now that I have written it. My heart is as clean as it was, I hate fighting back. Makes me weary and tired. Makes me someone I am not. From the core of me, I am not brutal nor am I a pay-backer. But when I have to, I fight alone

Was born and bred that way…

Ene ende abeba negn

Nice guys finish last that’s why I’ll treat you like- (click it)

Ahoy there!

The biggest problem with me and my writing is the word ‘Mood’ I’ll have plenty of drafts saved during bad-days but no, I cannot post them until the mood the feelings rekindle and come back.

At the moment? This is the fourth try. I am happy so why shall I put up the balderdash thoughts and stories from low hours? That’s right. Happiness isn’t worth anything until spread, multiplied and absorbed by hearts numbering way more than one. And that too mine. Wait a minute did you get what I just wrote? Good luck warriors =D

I wanna scream the lyrics from the song stuck in me mind twentieth time past four months. Yes that’s right. I never knew all that. Really. (Precaution: Severe lack of modesty ahead) Literally forgot that I was such a lovely person. Until my friend Muki told me. Forgot that I was a great person until my best friend Anne told me so “Man Haibar, you are such a great person”

I hate compliments. Despise them. They make the atmosphere so ooey gooey and so sugary and make me cringe. But alright.. Sometimes when the people I really care about and the people I CONSIDER say something like that I flip and flop and become so pop and just so totally flop. You give me happiness and love. I will return that multiplied a manifold. I know this post is completely pointless. I don’t care. I am a purple daffodil, and guys.. it doesn’t exist.

I have this time. And I am gonna say all I want to say and no traitor or liar or hypocrite or backstabber can stop me from saying anything I so truly wanna say. I don’t think about myself. My thoughts, feelings and memories are adorned with the people I love and people I CONSIDER. Sometimes the vibrations gather in my body. I pick them up from places arbitrary. And I pile them up in me. Sometimes they are bad. Sometimes they are good. They pile in me and one day BAM I go off. Happy or so brutally broken. Emotions are always extreme. My soul and heart are two ends of my existence

At the moment my heart is a big bubble. Filled with bright light. And light, as Plato says, is the Shadow of God. I am a humming-bird at the moment. I am a paper boat. I am a person who is so absolutely saturated with happiness and whose cheeks are flushed. Bringing pink into a face that’ll fast go pale and yellow.

I don’t care if I die now. I don’t. Really. I am happy at the people I have in my life. I am happy I met them all. Things will go on. The thing about hearts is that they change. My sister used to say that change is the only permanent thing in nature. Ways will part. They always have. They always will. We all will have some kind of life. I hope I be happy in my mine. I pray you be in yours =)

But you only date bad guys so I’ll give it my best try (click it)

(Title stolen from a friend) Translation: “I am like Flower”

Here I am, Once again

Watching Princess Mononoke for the fiftieth time. It’s time to think back. Think back again. Time to understand again. How old am I? Traditionally 109 and technically a defeated teenager. I don’t wanna lose anymore. A typical human. The orthodox girl. Underestimated, forgotten, neglected and left behind.

We all have beliefs. We live our lives according to them. And half of them are made up. I believe I lose every single person and thing I talk a lot about. I find a friend, I’ll tell the whole Universe. A week later I find out it was an illusion. Lol. Happy as anything. Spreading it aloud like being paid to do so. One bad response. It’s over.. =) So I’m gonna talk about my pain a lot, hoping it fades away or… loses the intensity =)

Does love fade away? Can a god turn into a demon? Can a truly good person ever be bad? Can we deliberately hurt people we so genuinely loved? Can love ever turn into hatred? Do true friends leave you when they are needed? Am I just a thankless git….

The worst you can do to me is take my friends away. As I said. It’s only the friendship I cherish. I draw a circle around me. Once I have all I want, I’ll refuse to let it open for anybody. You give me your happiness I’ll make it double. You give me love I’ll return it multiplied a hundredfold. You give me pain and bluntness. I’ll hold it in and destroy myself. Even more, I’ll write a blog on you.

I just did =D

( I would’ve talked about the movie but that a) would’ve spoiled the fun b) make you snigger at me as I am a huge anime fan.. 109 and still =P )

 

Written on August 18 2011

And I do have a distant friend

I have said a lot about wind, talked ample about her. Every thing I create, everything I feel, There has to be wind. There has to be something having even the remote relationship to her. To My friend who whispers through it

And I am back again, to pursue the topic. I get up early the other day, go upstairs to unlock the doors. Instead I open and step onto the roof of a house my dad grew up in. It is so cool, so much better than the sweltering suffocation downstairs. I just step out and shrug my shoulders. It feels cold, dressed up in the worn out clothes I am. Who cares

I look around, making sure nobody is up on their rooftop. I sit, so nicely shielded, on a raised step. I think about nothing. Nothing at all. All the crap I will be going through all that has been happening blah blah part of life so what. My eyes are wide, twice their ‘usual’. The oil well of a face is cool. I raise my face to the air and close my eyes. Five minutes or three. She is there

I feel like a gypsy now. Wind unhinging every pore of my body exposed. Skin of the neck and the face tingle as she brushes past. I wanna fly away with it. I want to move away, see what she sees, go where she goes. If I let these thoughts lead me all over I might one day go away after it, with it. But aye. I always say..Love doesn’t bring you to disgrace. Love doesn’t lead you astray.. . It’s not love when you do

I feel intact, I am not slipping away. Not going mad. Not going crazy. Just held to the ground. Held to the cement floor and feeling cold. Cold isn’t bad. For now. These are the times when I feel privileged. I thank God for feeling what everyone cannot. I humble meagre human I may be and I so truly am. Under the eyelids all I see is frost. White frosty colour clings to my mind at the time. She brushes me again and I bury my face in my hands, away from her. She still strikes my hands, as if gently pulling them away.

This is all in my head, there is nothing significant about frost colour, there is no wind waiting for me. There is no monster and no saviour. There is no Jacob there is no Ian. There is no Conor and no Audrey. No Sebastian and.. ha no Leah. There is.. no Eustachia.. aye

But I can hear her, feel her around. I can see the colours. I know the monster, There is Jacob. Ian has died. Conor is in pain. Audrey does watch over him. Sebastian will find Leah. Leah will board the train everyday. I can feel Eustachia. I so severely do

I smile, And face the wind again. If I let go these metaphors these images. A lot of me will cease to be. I don’t merge imagination and reality. So for now I look at the heavens and make images in the clouds. I am just a normal person. Just someone lost in a crowd. Things are only as real as we consider them to be. Savvy =P

Into my happiness

Never felt so hip and so hop. So pop and just so flop =P

If you could see me now.. I am sitting leg-deep on the wall of the pool. Water from the tubewell hitting me like boulders. I am wet. I am dripping, I am happy. Oh I am happy

And the best part is, Me myself is the reason for my happiness. Nobody called in or peeked saying or doing something that made me feel so alive, so content. It is my own existence, first time ever (maybe), making me happy. The feeling is hitting me harder than the splattering water, and every blow is making my soul glow. Wow that rhymed

Just God. Just Almighty. No one else. I see around and think of all those poets and writers. I never really believed when they talked about nature and greenery and all. Now look at me. Countryside fields. Green crops swaying gently in evening breeze. There. See. The big ball of Sun is sinking. This is so beautiful. Too much for me to take in. This happiness has to be spread. I can’t let it stay in me. It’s impossible for a person like me to enjoy a joy alone..

I look around. I swear my eyes have been shining. My wet bangs bounce on my shoulders. You see. Sometimes happiness penetrates us and when it returns to our skin.. pure light. Light illuminating all the dark parts of one’s heart. Light washing away my ills. I hear the cackle of my young cousins’ laughter and I smile wide. I look at my hands cold and wrinkled wet. I look at my trousers; spoiled and splattered. My eyes don’t stop. They are absorbing every single gesture and emotion they can.. I have never seen this side of me myself…

My kiddo cousin beckons me. He wants me to see how he jumps in water. I make a joke and everybody laughs aloud. I look at the Heavens and thank My Creator. When you are a believer.. Answers come easy…

Splashing water and making jokes….God I have never felt so innocent….

I’m not crazy, my reality is just different than yours

It’s the stupid feeling when you look at yourself and feel that how stupid you are being, how melodramatic and so absolutely obvious. I am saying this because I am feeling optimistic, I am saying this because I just rinsed my face with ice-cold water and feel new. I am saying this because I know what I know and what I hold. What makes me a better person and what makes me much more lucky.

Comparison. We live according to some scale or model. Judging and rating ourselves according to it. But one soul can never be equal to another. One person can never be exact. No matter how close we are we all posses a great difference in our ideas, our fates, our past and our present. It’s the DNA we can’t challenge.

So I sit here, on my favourite velvet sofa and think of the few hours left to break my fast. I, for now, stop relating to anyone. I, here, breathe oblivious of everything that tends to pollute my brain. If I don’t matter, nor does anybody else aye.

Selfish? No it’s called I-am-getting-back-to-normal
And what leads me to it?
A splash of cold water and a nice conversation.
I am what I am and I am proud of it.

 
You might aswell go to hell