I was looking at the horizon

I was standing at the edge of a cliff. Ah. This cliff. I have been driving over this road whole of my life, but never stopped at this edge to look at this rushing water spitting foam. Cold. Yes it was cold. I looked at my bare feet barely noticing the cold biting through them, glancing at them and back at the roaring water. Some vain thought compelled me to sit down over the rough edge, with my legs dangling outward, my hands resting in my lap.

I feel so cold.. so cold. That’s the only thing, the only feeling I was yet aware of. Then I pulled my legs closer and wrapped myself over them. Rocking back and forth. Back and forth. Now I feel bad. And the wind blows around me.. Not caressing me but hitting my bare face like iron. This cruelty stings me. My swollen eyes get filled with tears. Rubbing my eyes over my knees I bury myself in my skirt, muffling my cries, for the waters had gone quiet to listen me. Stopped to look at me. Like everyone else they just stared and then moved on. And it wasn’t like I always made a show of myself… My feelings remained in me until some really good player coaxed them out.. And people whom I let in… were generally flawless players…

And the wind blew even harder, so I cried harder, for I could not stop. I had given up. My brain felt wounded bleeding… My feet were raw of the running I had done all the way…Since when did this cheery healer become so bruised? Since when did this girl feel so much for herself? Aye? I hated these questions that were cropping up. I hated what was happening to me… Everybody I love was lost… no… it was my love that was lost. Was it really gone? It meant… I was nothing? But.. but.. cold? too cold

Stuttering I got up, my face was dry and I was looking at the horizon. I took a step back, and my foot slipped. As I fell I saw a man with his hand outstretched. He was here.. here to pull me back.

Maybe

The Train Station

I was walking on the road, Immersed  in my thoughts. My self-indulgent self was moving slowly on the pavement. A sharp sound brought me back to Earth, people booing and hooting, girls clutching each other and squealing with false /true glee. I furrowed my eyebrows, trying to figure out the cause of commotion. A big banner stuck on the wall gave me some clue. Slowly I figured out the names written over play-cards. Puff. Some new celebrity, few fans, people just jumping on the bandwagon. Who cares. They all seemed so far away.

These thoughts made my brain function a little quicker. I began to notice the wet environment around me., the clear wind filed my nostrils and my lungs. I felt her usual caress over my face, my bare hands. Smiling slightly, this so self-absorbed self moved ahead.

I was fed up looking around this path everyday,fed up with everything that somehow brought me back to my senses. I didn’t even posses the scrutiny the curiosity about anything that might give my thoughts a change of direction. I was myself.. which some say.. is sometimes the greatest pain..

Everyday I told myself to start off late. But I somehow had become used to this slow, lazy walk before, maybe, maybe, my day started. Few moments with my dreams will bring me no good, no happiness, no better thoughts. Nothing whatsoever.

I had lived through yesterday, like I did day before yesterday, and each and every day of these months. It did not amaze me now. Things seldom did. Feeling as if drowning in some muddy depths, I slowed my pace. Walking was better, better than sleeping, sitting or even running. For I was tired. I had given up. But it wasn’t enough. I would survive. These breaths won’t cease with me. This heart beat won’t give way.

Another caress from an age-old friend, this wind, I moved ahead. Forgetting that few minutes were left for the train to come and waiting too gave you nothing. If not a flashback, if not a memory.

And in this crowd, yet again. I feel the same defeat, the same disbelief. Maybe not disbelief.. I had given up on that feeling ages ago. I fought, yet again, with that pain that refused to flow out. Refused to let my brain, my mind, my soul to leave its own self. As for the heart.. ,my chest was empty. I didn’t have to touch to make it sure. It was where now the pain lived, crippling my soul and bruising my body.

Feeling dizzy but with no expression crossing my face..I boarded in the train that just came to a halt. Refusing to look around. Refusing to let my eyes search around for him, I bow my head down and stare at my feet. Sitting alone gave you no joy.