Que sera sera..

hair in air

Sometimes I feel I am way too old to be whining about friends. The moment I start my brain back-flips as the same thoughts hit me and it feels so tiring to go round and round the same circle. I literally feel a bolus of vomit stuck in my gut and one in my head. Just wanting..out

Same exact people, acting in the same juvenile fashion. If I stay with them, I feel nauseated. If they ignore me, I feel angry and left out; when I am with them, I simply cannot wait to get away. And the cycle goes on and on until my brain starts to hurt and I give up. And I crash. And then something happens, and I am back on the same road.

And as far as I remember, this is exactly how things have been with every friend I have ever been with. I like them, then I hate them, then I like them. Sometimes all of their faces blend together when I look back. My personality brings out the exact same pattern in their behaviour. They are always there but they can’t never really get to know me. And why the hell would they try? Anne stuck around, she is like..my soul sister. But I went through hell to get to a point where her presence or absence doesn’t hurt me. She stays, I am happy (so happy), she leaves, I barely look. It’s comfortable between us. Because, comfortable distance always works for me. And it also has to do with the fact that she has the most tolerable and amazing personality. Ever heard, nay dreamed, of that breathtaking beauty, those cool brilliant brains and that gentle understanding soul in one person? Well that’s her.

My only concern is the strangulating effect of these interactions. I don’t want to be crippled by my own emotions. I don’t want my decisions to be dictated by how I feel about a particular matter. I call these my *out-of-body experiences*, when I look at a person as a whole. Not how they affect me, but how they actually are.

It’s a pretty nice feeling, actually. But to get to a point where one day their existence will have no affect on me in entire sense of the word, I have yet a very, very long and tortuous path to walk.

Till then. Que sera sera..

queserasera

Que sera sera (what will be, will be)

Bitterness is like cancer. It eats upon the host. But anger is like fire. It burns it all clean.

fire away

It runs through my veins like blazing molten lava. I can feel it coursing through my vessels and burning my fingertips. I can feel it melt my bones and disconnect the tendons, with muscles snapping like rubber bands. It feels so real, and it has the power to reduce me to the shadow of the person I was. It hits me so hard and so deep that all I can see is fire, all I can say is venom and all I taste is that metallic edge of blood in my mouth. The fire roars and threatens to reduce everything to ash and smoke

Next time, I am just gonna to let it

 

 

A thing is not necessarily true because a man dies for it

It is a strange day. It is a stranger me. The thoughts, the feelings the perceptions are all new.. And all so strange.

I lie here, oh yes I do. On a soft bed under a soft quilt. Head resting on a soft pillow. Every part of my body pains. There are places of unknown anatomy that pulsate with known pain. My hands burn. My breath is shallow. Every breath I intake feels like hitting my lungs hard. It is so strange. So far away

I don’t care. About anything, about anyone. I am sighing these deep sighs. My eyes are dry. And I am so broken. So broken.. Lord every part of me has fallen apart. And the pieces that stick to me are nothing but jagged shards. Piercing me in places unknown

Hope.. yes.. I hope it all ends today. I have no curiosity no want to go ahead. People say there is a lot I have to see. There is a lot to come. I know that speech by heart. I have been making it to different people at different times. But no.. I don’t want to go on. I have seen enough. My soul is full of all the experiences. Body is weak. Heart won’t take more

Watching the eerie, unbelievingly white and clean ceiling. Watching through eyes so tired, so groggy. I lie here, breathing in rich medicine scented hospital air. I have loved, I have met lots of people. Made friends made foes. Lost people found people. Broke got up. Got practical got emotional.. I just wanna go home now.. I am content of all I ever saw of what ever happened… But now after all I went through. All I saw and All I felt. I don’t want to be wasted anymore. It is just plain refusal to fight anymore. It is just plain defeat of a soul that isn’t blue anymore…

(title: Quote by Oscar Wilde)

Definition of Balderdash, At your service

Oh I’ve got nothing to say

Nothing at all

Then why am I typing.. Nobody out there is waiting to read the crap I put here

Yes. I am disgruntled because I am helpless. Annoyed because I am disappointed. Irritated because I have nothing to say. Nothing to do. I should rename the blog from the Positive sign to a No-sign-whatsoever-so-get-the-hell-outta-here. Why do things stick to us so bad? Why can’t we just let things GO. Let them BE. I am so thoroughly huffed up. And when after my prayers my fluent tongue is out to curse I bite it back. Ok, let’s not be falsely modest things slip yeah but I try my level best to keep it mild. Wish world had a reset button. Or I had super powers so I could screw the hell outta people who have no regard for my feelings. Now you so clearly know I do have nothing to say I am just typing to keep my mind from straying and my tongue from getting real rash.. God I am so vulnerable

That’s it. I am done. The world can fall to pieces and I swear I don’t-give-a-damn. A nuclear war may start and all I am gonna do is bury my diaries (which I don’t write anymore, dang the blog) I am not gonna even care apologizing or saying those melodramatic “Goodbyes” and I have no one to hug farewell. One or two, maybe

Well. Sometimes we amaze ourselves. Ironic. The girl who would take a bullet for the people she loved is actually out to shoot them right now

It’ll pass yeah, Plus I have a big trip on in my plate. Plus I hate my new haircut. God I should bury myself now..

See ya,

Haibar

Plus if you have something that annoys you or has irritated ya lately, My comments section is at yer service. Blah

 

 

I’m not crazy, my reality is just different than yours

It’s the stupid feeling when you look at yourself and feel that how stupid you are being, how melodramatic and so absolutely obvious. I am saying this because I am feeling optimistic, I am saying this because I just rinsed my face with ice-cold water and feel new. I am saying this because I know what I know and what I hold. What makes me a better person and what makes me much more lucky.

Comparison. We live according to some scale or model. Judging and rating ourselves according to it. But one soul can never be equal to another. One person can never be exact. No matter how close we are we all posses a great difference in our ideas, our fates, our past and our present. It’s the DNA we can’t challenge.

So I sit here, on my favourite velvet sofa and think of the few hours left to break my fast. I, for now, stop relating to anyone. I, here, breathe oblivious of everything that tends to pollute my brain. If I don’t matter, nor does anybody else aye.

Selfish? No it’s called I-am-getting-back-to-normal
And what leads me to it?
A splash of cold water and a nice conversation.
I am what I am and I am proud of it.

 
You might aswell go to hell

The Courses of true love never did run smooth

And lonely as it is that loneliness 
Will be more lonely ere it be less— 
A blanker whiteness of benighted snow 
With no expression, nothing to express.

I sit and I sit. Too depraved, too emotionally and physically drained. I don’t know how many have you reached or gone through this state. When you give up on everything and absolutely everyone. Too tired to go on. Too tired to call, hold someone back; even yourself. After a long walk we sit on that bench, body cool with the evaporating sweat. Wanting to escape into a world where you don’t have to think….

Yes. For a person like me who goes wild thinking, the state is a bliss. But somehow today I sit deeply disappointed, lacking the feel. Lacking the want to converse with anyone. I don’t wanna move. I don’t wanna talk. I am so defeated. I am so tired.

The water rushes and hits the cliff, eroding it. With every force a part of the strong cliff gives way, It’s not visible. Not apparent yet. Only the hardest remain; soft lost to the waves ages ago. Once part of a great cliff, the pebbles now rest at the bottom of the salt water.

I look above and watch the clear blue sky, marred by a few clouds. The salt scented wind fills my nostrils and inflates my lungs. Every blow threatens to break me apart. Harsh words ring through my ears and I remember the pain with which hard and blunt words hit. Deep breath. A wave of breakdown evaded. I want to lie back over here and I want no one to disturb me. I have lost myself to these waves. I am pebbles, lost underwater. I am that bark, ripped from roots due to that storm, I am a healer lost in her own pain..

My dad comes and sits by me. His silence mingling with my melancholy. I think they acknowledged my prolonged absence at home. I am touched… He won’t hug me as I am a big girl now, he messes my hair with his elder, strong hands.. And.. and I fight tears no more

  

(Stanza from Robert Frost’s ‘Desert Places’)

Sebastian and Leah : Strings

I was sitting under the tree. It much too hot outside. I was hiding myself in my skirt, arms wound tightly against my legs. I wanted to run away. Run away from the hatred that was eating me up. Run away from the feelings of revenge. Of paying them all back for their lies. I was never this way. This wasn’t me. Go away Go away. Leave, whoever you are. I had soaked my skirt now. But I will wash myself away today. I will I will I will.

”I think you tried to that ages ago”

I looked up and saw my friend crouching over me. I knew he would come. He always found me wherever I was. I buried myself again

“It’s coming back, I don’t wanna fight with myself. I did something I never wanted to do. Why do they have to do it.. What did I do man? Now I am doing what I don’t wanna do.. I am taking rash actions. I am crying… I am crying again’

“Look at that scar on your arm.. whenever you shake hands with someone… That’s what they see first. They all look at your cracks. No matter how strong you are… No matter how strong you’ become…you’ll show up with your cracks very soon”

“I don’t understand”

He chuckled. And sat right by me on the ground. I usually rested my head on his shoulder.. But today my head was resting upon my knees. We sat in silence. Sun was still high. Scorching hot. My bike was out in the heat. I was sweating. And I did not care. I hated the world around me. I hated myself for the first time in my life. It was too excruciating. I was at peace. They had to break it.. how can I be happy… Happiness is not for me… Liars.. Hypocrites.

“Have you never been a hypocrite?”

“Yeah  I have been. When I said I was happy. When I said I could hate. When I said I never cared… I WAS A DAMN HYPOCRITE”

“And you called Desdemona an idiot”

Tear soaked I looked at him. He was impossible.Yeah… I know. I should never have. Desdemona was killed by Othello… A sheer price for her love. I called her stupid because she was far too sensitive, she was blind to what was happening”

“Aren’t you blind still?” 

“Thanks a lot for pointing that out. Leave Sebess”

She was crazy. I knew her. She would say get out a million times now. But it never helps to over think stuff. It will never help to blame yourself or others for faults. It never helps to make resolutions. At least for me it never did. I had walked long to come here, but I knew I would find her. This big tree was her refuge. And she was bonded to it. I never understood the fact that she was always caressing the bark. But the pain was unnecessary. Unwanted. We have to subdue the demons of our thoughts to move on. I had. And so had she. But the devil never rests… Its his nature.. He will attack the moment he finds a shred of weakness.. And she was weak…. Much too weak…

Yeah here he is. Acting so cool. As if he doesn’t know anything. As if he wasn’t there when I was thrown out of my house. As if he wasn’t there when my family died in the crash. As if he wasn’t there when everything broke. He had been there all along. And still still he says.. It’s the same everywhere. We can never judge anybody’s pain. We can never review. We can never comment. We can never understand the intensity of situations the other person went through.. We shouldn’t even dare…But we.. in our marble homes and furnished lives…

“Leah.. I am tired of making you understand the reality. I have tried so hard to make you see sense. How long will you run from the truth? Leah look at me. Leah”

“My fault?”

“Fault? Your fault?! From the beginning it has been you and only you making mistakes. But it’s all over. Everything is lost. You have to accept it. You have to live with it”

“I am a kid… they had to break a kid..”

“Leah.. oh my..This world doesn’t work our way, the meaning of love and care… They have changed and you cannot expect everyone to follow your virtues. Look around, Everything had changed. These values aren’t what they are shown as. The hearts are hollow the brains are dead.. The souls… ha.. long lost..”

“I don’t know.. I don’t know what to do. I am tired. Tired of touching myself every night. I am scared to believe again, And every expression I exhibit, every emotion I let free gets lost. My sorrow is cherished… I wanna run away Sebess. I wanna run away”

“Cut those strings.. The ones that connect you to them. They have been long loosened. It won’t hurt much. Believe me. The ones that once bonded you, once connected you have become nothing more than puppet strands.”

“But they are there! That makes me stay. They are the ones that make me think.. It might not be over… It might not be over…”

“They are there? Give a tug honey and it’ll all be clear”

No, no. I could not do so. I could not breakaway. True, there was nothing left to hold on .. Except if I kept on believing in words and feelings that were long gone. Throughout my life I’ll stay in this stage of to be or not to be. It’ll eat me up. And I’ll let it. Oh Lord help me. Help me. I am lost. I am sorry for defying you and the gifts you gave me. I have disintegrated now and every second of it kills me because I don’t want to express my sorrow.. It gives many deep immortal pleasure.. I… I

Between the sobs Sebess gathered me and hugged me real tight. As if he was putting my pieces back together, giving them the shape I had lost long ago. My eyes started to flow wildly, as if a tsunami had broken free from the holds of my weak eyes. It was much too strong, I felt the force strike my eyes as I rubbed them over his shoulder. I could feel the intensity of his feelings crossing the barrier and entering me. I finally understood what he was trying to make me realize.

“Let it go.. Leah.. cut the strings.. Do it yourself… Nobody is going to help you out of it, Nobody is going to relieve you from the pain, Nobody will take the blame for your sake, It’s going to happen one day. End it now Leah, My friend end it now”

I sobbed and hiccupped. I knew what he meant. Once I go on, I’ll lose so much. I’ll lose the ability to trust, love and care. Nobody will know what I was, and when I ceased to be. It’ll be over. I might be free. I might be free.

Leah got up from the seat as the train came to a halt, boarded in and stood in a far corner. The tree, the bike, nothing was to be seen. Now that the strings were cut, she doubted they would ever find her again. But aye, no one would try

Here lie I Timon

I was passing the graveyard… one of the most lonely places I had ever been to..It had the same old air about it as we read in books and similar to what we see in movies…Time suddenly started to  flow very slowly as I found myself amidst a thousand memories.. threatening to drown me. I could remember myself in that play yard holding a dying a friend.. But his tiny body wasn’t buried here.. He wasn’t here to call my name again…He was gone and had left my memories bruised to the extent that I still bleed..

Was she here too? My flesh my blood torn apart from me before I could barely have the loved feeling? But ah her grave was lost soon after she was buried… She was gone and wiped away from the world’s memories as if she never existed… She wasn’t here to call my name…

Was he here too? A man who loved me more than seven fathers? Was he here to see his child was bruised? Was he here to tell me he still listened to my cries deep in the night and that he still remembered that I loved him more than mum? Will he stop me and tell me I’ll be alright? Will he hear if I say I love him? Will he call my name and hold me back?

Now I pictured that white beard and that white dress… I could hear the old man teaching me the Holy Book…. I could hear him teaching me basics of a human being… I could see him reading books through his thick glasses… He was the same man who walked across the hall on his old legs to see his grand-daughter’s sprained ankle in the epic netball match..It was against his nature to love and care for girls but ah I had always been special…Was he here too? Was his pure soul waiting for his grand daughter to come at his grave? Would he call me and ask me about his books? I would tell him they were safe I would tell him I loved him… something I never had the guts to say…

Were my dead uncles here too? The same who came at our place at every festival and brought me so much stuff? Was my grandma here too? The same who used to stand in cold scolding me to wear my cardigan…?

I closed my eyes and they were dry I felt my heart it was steady… I dragged myself away from the buzz of these memories, there was no one to call me back, For this graveyard had long been silent…

I had gone far. I had reached the end of the my world. I was done with lies. I was done with games. The world I lived in will not let me stay happy. And the ones who would’ve cared, won’t call anymore. So far away now… I started digging my own grave. It was about time