I am not allowed to be afraid.

Crossroads

I have written about my heart being heavy, I have written about it being broken. I have written about being happy, I have written about being content. For anyone who ever cared and to whomsoever it ever concerened…I have written it all.

And then I stopped, for I had no new feelings to talk about, no ecstatic incidents to share. Everything was a copy of everything that had happened before and everything I saw was something I had seen before, every thought, every word and every moment. Happy sad happy sad, happy happy, elated, sad, sad, confused, confident, happy happy happy..

And there I was, once again..with that new feeling hitting my face. Again..after years. I had forgotten what it felt like to be floating in the air like a dying leaf,unknown, unanchored, weary and afraid of what would come next. Till now I was happy, adjusted. I could fight every obstacle that came my way, cut down every thorn that threatened to bruise me again. And then sleep with a deep feeling of accomplishment and satisfaction.

But I couldn’t sleep tonight. My mind was plagued with all kinds of thoughts, poisoning my existence with all kinds of doubt and apprehension.
My life is gonna change again.

Just when I had started to love it.

Unconditionally.

Que sera sera..

hair in air

Sometimes I feel I am way too old to be whining about friends. The moment I start my brain back-flips as the same thoughts hit me and it feels so tiring to go round and round the same circle. I literally feel a bolus of vomit stuck in my gut and one in my head. Just wanting..out

Same exact people, acting in the same juvenile fashion. If I stay with them, I feel nauseated. If they ignore me, I feel angry and left out; when I am with them, I simply cannot wait to get away. And the cycle goes on and on until my brain starts to hurt and I give up. And I crash. And then something happens, and I am back on the same road.

And as far as I remember, this is exactly how things have been with every friend I have ever been with. I like them, then I hate them, then I like them. Sometimes all of their faces blend together when I look back. My personality brings out the exact same pattern in their behaviour. They are always there but they can’t never really get to know me. And why the hell would they try? Anne stuck around, she is like..my soul sister. But I went through hell to get to a point where her presence or absence doesn’t hurt me. She stays, I am happy (so happy), she leaves, I barely look. It’s comfortable between us. Because, comfortable distance always works for me. And it also has to do with the fact that she has the most tolerable and amazing personality. Ever heard, nay dreamed, of that breathtaking beauty, those cool brilliant brains and that gentle understanding soul in one person? Well that’s her.

My only concern is the strangulating effect of these interactions. I don’t want to be crippled by my own emotions. I don’t want my decisions to be dictated by how I feel about a particular matter. I call these my *out-of-body experiences*, when I look at a person as a whole. Not how they affect me, but how they actually are.

It’s a pretty nice feeling, actually. But to get to a point where one day their existence will have no affect on me in entire sense of the word, I have yet a very, very long and tortuous path to walk.

Till then. Que sera sera..

queserasera

Que sera sera (what will be, will be)

What’s your Room No. ?

row of windows

Why is it that moving crowds make me feel so horribly crippled and so devastatingly stranded? Stay there for a minute or two and see them all moving on, while you are waiting for that one thing. Standing, invisible and unseen amongst everyone you know. Low self-esteem? Nah, sometimes it’s just a simple observation

So I do what I went there for, inside the small room as my name is called and mumble my room number. It’s the Allotment Day. We get new rooms as the final year of our college leaves and we have a crack at better rooms. I mumble the same number I did last year. A room full of sunshine, whenever sun comes . A room alight with the moon, whenever moon returns (la di da). A room so perfect in its imperfections that the very notion of changing it made me close my eyes and send out a little prayer, if you’re up there, Oh God, of all the things I have lost, don’t take this away from me.

As I came out, I glanced around, bade a friend or two farewell and climbed up those stairs again. I got what I wanted, then why does my heart sting so much? This happens every year this day. Friends fight, people turn away, girls jump each others throat, blah blah blah..there is so much hostility in the air that I barely recognize anything and anyone. And why do I feel sad at the fact that my ‘friend’ moved away. This happens every year ! Why does it have to sting every time? God ! I want to look myself in the mirror and scream.. GROW UP ALREADY

Haha, well, yea, feelings come and feelings go. Mine left a few seconds ago. We waste our life chasing the wrong people and while I say this I know I am still barking up the wrong tree. And it is also funny when I say that because I have never really chased anyone. One or two people maybe. I guess we have blown up images of ourselves in our head. Why ask people to change a part of themselves for a part of you? Why not see them as they are, not how they affect you? It takes a bigger man to accept that. And that bigger man I try and fail to be, every single day

I have hated clichés. And my hatred for them grows by the minute. I do not believe in all those morals and rituals our brain washed society preaches and has been doing to death..but it gets so hard sometimes, to separate yourself from it. I hate when hypocrisy stirs in me as I keep my mouth shut. Sometimes I wanna blurt it all out but by the time words get to my mouth..I realize…I just don’t care. Or cowardice gets the best of me. Or simple disgust does.

I don’t wanna become that person. I don’t wanna be a sociopath, I don’t wanna live with so much hostility inside that the insides turn black while the extremities go numb. I have been numb. It was horrible. Who wants to be trod upon and be hurt? No one. But I’d rather be hurt than be a corpse who sees nothing, feels nothing and leaves a stench everywhere.

La di da

la di da

May the man be dammed and grow fat, the one who wears two faces under one hat

Seriously speaking, I am not a resentful person. I might not forget things but if a person talks to me in a good way once after being foul a thousand times, I reciprocate with thrice the politeness. I have changed a lot but I haven’t become a really bad person, as yet. Foul mouthed bitter straightforward wacko…yes.. but not bad. I pray that doesn’t happen (btw)

But people will not fail to amaze me. And once again I bang my head on the wall. My instincts..are always correct. My first decisions and perceptions..are always true. Believe me.. I don’t like to flatter myself but the term always is heavily applicable.

But why do I go wrong time and again?

I give them a chance
….they blow it

Double faced chance

This big heart is such a small organ

Dead leaf

I cannot tell you what it feels like. You know it, deep down and up above. The bittersweet happiness pressing upon your heart and soul. You just feel it. It’s right there. Fluttering beats and the soft light. 

Sit in the corner of a room, illuminated by the dim light of dusk out the window. It’s gonna be dark soon. Sit in that small place between the fridge and the cupboard and hug your legs, pressing them to your chest. Closer to the scared fluttering. You can hear your friends outside, laughing and shouting and you feel that jagged rhythm in your chest again. It’s bitter. The voice of the past. And it’s so soft, the whisper you hear now.

Is it the fear of happiness? Is it the scare of pain again? What is it, pressing on you so lightly, what is it, calling you so softly? 

I cannot tell you, for I may never have them words, But I know you know it

There deep down and so up above. 

“Man is least himself when he talks in his own person. Give him a mask, and he will tell you the truth.”

walk away on sand

The boy’s gone. The boy’s gone home.

It’s a tree trunk. It’s a cut down tree trunk. It was planted by my grandma, and then two more  grew on its side. Grandma died when I was 9. Few years back they cut one tree that the storm killed. Then they cut another. And now they finally cut the main trunk as the roots were tampering with God knows what.

What will happen to a face in the crowd when it finally gets too crowded.
And will happen to the origins of sound after all the sounds have sounded
Well I hope I never have to see that day but by god I know it’s headed our way
So I better be happy now that the boy’s going home. The boy’s gone home.

And I am sitting on it, the wind is raging around me, ruffling my hair, blowing through me. I have met a lot of winds before this day. I will meet a lot afterwards. But they never stop to amaze me. They never will stop to make me think and think so deep that my feet give way. I can feel her on my face. Hard cold slaps. Once. Twice. And again.

And what becomes of a day for those who rage against it
And who will sum op the phrase for all left standing around in it

I know not the heart I have. I know not of the heart left in me. I do not know when it all started. When my imagination became my reality and when my reality turned virtual. When the solids around me went up in smoke and the air and the winds materialized around me. I do not know when it all started. I do not know what this wind wants from me now

Well I suppose we’ll all make our judgement call
We’ll walk it alone, stand up tall, then march to the fall 
So we better be happy now that we’ll all go home

I am tired. Tired to be the person I am. Tired to change into someone else. Tired to believe in things that don’t exist and feelings that don’t hold. Tired of trusting. God I am so tired of hope itself

Be so happy with the way you are
Be so happy that you made it this far
Go on be happy now. Please be happy now

Tell me what heart do I have? I wish it was big enough to engulf all the misery and anger and pain, make it disappear. Be lost into some pit and be lost forever. All it takes is a gust of wind. A broken tree trunk. And a bad word, to bring everything bubbling to the surface

But it won’t come up again. The thoughts the feelings. The trust and the depth of love. The very hope in some distant savior turned to dust and the very wind that held on to me so long is taking all those feelings away. Maybe it’s time. To stop walking with the figment of your imagination. Stop talking to friends that are not material. Because if being virtual is your truth, then better walk away from the actual. From the solid. Their reality is much perfect without. Without you

I tried to live my life and live it so well
But when it’s all over is it heaven or is it hell
I better be happy now that no one can tell, nobody knows
I’m gonna be happy with the way that I am
I’m gonna be happy with all that I stand for
I’m gonna be happy now because the boy’s going home.

The boy’s gone home.

sparrow and tree
(Lyrics: Jason Mraz’s Boy’s Gone and Title: Oscar Wilde)

 

 

Thoughts and a Song

Wednesday. 23rd. Gulp. Two days to the interview… perhaps to my departure. Perhaps is the keyword here aye. So hold your glee =P

Grew up in a small town
And when the rain would fall down
I’d just stare out my window
Dreaming of what could be
And if I’d end up happy
I would pray (I would pray)
 

I have taken five to six books out from my library to take with me. Nothing in particular but I did put the Book of Awesome. Just to cheer me up occasionally. It’s a great book. Makes me laugh. Jee, it’s gonna be strange for me. I have lived, as yet, in six homes. My family is my home you know. In Abu Dubai (where I was born), in Dubai, In Alain, bred mostly in Sharjah then back to my own country first the village then the city. Now back to village. And now to a whole new city, thrice the size of my town and four times as crowded. And away from home for the first time. Home meaning family. It’s a new life, as my friend puts it, we take a fresh start now

Trying hard to reach out
But when I tried to speak out
Felt like no one could hear me
Wanted to belong here
But something felt so wrong here
So I prayed I could break away
 

I mean. Yes.. It’s. There, a new life.I am not breaking away from here am I? .I am very bad at cutting off. Cutting the strings have been the hardest things ever to me. I can pretend; I can brain wash myself. Give myself justifications. But never I can I give up. There is that voice in my brain. There is that echo in my room. There are those walls and doors. There is that solitude. That darkness. Those smiles. Those tears. They break me up, tear me down. But then give me a hand to build a strong soul. Penetrate stuff you cannot imagine knowing. But I know how to block them all. Lord I sometimes hate the control I have over myself.. My brain helps me in every crazy thing I want to do. Or want to shun myself doing it forever. But there is so much these eyes won’t be able to see. Oh Lord.. how the clock ticks away..

Wanna feel the warm breeze
Sleep under a palm tree
Feel the rush of the ocean
Get onboard a fast train
Travel on a jet plane, far away (I will)
And breakaway
 

Run away, Run away. Been doing that my whole life. That is why now when I confront stuff it alters me in a way that cannot be undone. I have done so many crazy things in my childhood and teens. Now I turn into an adult at such a right time. Wow. Such perfect timing Allah… you must have a whole separate directory on me. And well, everyone =P

Buildings with a hundred floors
Swinging around revolving doors
Maybe I don’t know where they’ll take me but
Gotta keep moving on, moving on
Fly away, breakaway
 

One of the many things I like about me. I can joke in every situation. No matter how much my heart bleeds. Its ok. This is life. I had my share of love and joy. One great part is over. One greater awaits. But these are crossroads. People I met here, met me at the crossroads. They don’t know what I was like before. They will not know what I am going to be. If they want to travel with me, aye I am a great companion. If you wanna leave me here. Farewell, if we meet again, there will be a smile and a handshake. Like the one I give you now =)

Btw, Here’s my card =D

I’ll spread my wings
And I’ll learn how to fly
Though it’s not easy to tell you goodbye
I gotta take a risk
Take a chance
Make a change
And breakaway
Out of the darkness and into the sun
But I won’t forget the place I come from
I gotta take a risk
Take a chance
Make a change
And breakaway, breakaway, breakaway

Here I am, Once again

Watching Princess Mononoke for the fiftieth time. It’s time to think back. Think back again. Time to understand again. How old am I? Traditionally 109 and technically a defeated teenager. I don’t wanna lose anymore. A typical human. The orthodox girl. Underestimated, forgotten, neglected and left behind.

We all have beliefs. We live our lives according to them. And half of them are made up. I believe I lose every single person and thing I talk a lot about. I find a friend, I’ll tell the whole Universe. A week later I find out it was an illusion. Lol. Happy as anything. Spreading it aloud like being paid to do so. One bad response. It’s over.. =) So I’m gonna talk about my pain a lot, hoping it fades away or… loses the intensity =)

Does love fade away? Can a god turn into a demon? Can a truly good person ever be bad? Can we deliberately hurt people we so genuinely loved? Can love ever turn into hatred? Do true friends leave you when they are needed? Am I just a thankless git….

The worst you can do to me is take my friends away. As I said. It’s only the friendship I cherish. I draw a circle around me. Once I have all I want, I’ll refuse to let it open for anybody. You give me your happiness I’ll make it double. You give me love I’ll return it multiplied a hundredfold. You give me pain and bluntness. I’ll hold it in and destroy myself. Even more, I’ll write a blog on you.

I just did =D

( I would’ve talked about the movie but that a) would’ve spoiled the fun b) make you snigger at me as I am a huge anime fan.. 109 and still =P )

 

Written on August 18 2011

Into my happiness

Never felt so hip and so hop. So pop and just so flop =P

If you could see me now.. I am sitting leg-deep on the wall of the pool. Water from the tubewell hitting me like boulders. I am wet. I am dripping, I am happy. Oh I am happy

And the best part is, Me myself is the reason for my happiness. Nobody called in or peeked saying or doing something that made me feel so alive, so content. It is my own existence, first time ever (maybe), making me happy. The feeling is hitting me harder than the splattering water, and every blow is making my soul glow. Wow that rhymed

Just God. Just Almighty. No one else. I see around and think of all those poets and writers. I never really believed when they talked about nature and greenery and all. Now look at me. Countryside fields. Green crops swaying gently in evening breeze. There. See. The big ball of Sun is sinking. This is so beautiful. Too much for me to take in. This happiness has to be spread. I can’t let it stay in me. It’s impossible for a person like me to enjoy a joy alone..

I look around. I swear my eyes have been shining. My wet bangs bounce on my shoulders. You see. Sometimes happiness penetrates us and when it returns to our skin.. pure light. Light illuminating all the dark parts of one’s heart. Light washing away my ills. I hear the cackle of my young cousins’ laughter and I smile wide. I look at my hands cold and wrinkled wet. I look at my trousers; spoiled and splattered. My eyes don’t stop. They are absorbing every single gesture and emotion they can.. I have never seen this side of me myself…

My kiddo cousin beckons me. He wants me to see how he jumps in water. I make a joke and everybody laughs aloud. I look at the Heavens and thank My Creator. When you are a believer.. Answers come easy…

Splashing water and making jokes….God I have never felt so innocent….

One Step Backward Taken

Not only sands and gravels
Were once more on their travels,
But gulping muddy gallons
Great boulders off their balance
Bumped heads together dully
And started down the gully.
Whole capes caked off in slices.
I felt my standpoint shaken
In the universal crisis.
But with one step backward taken
I saved myself from going.
A world torn loose went by me.
Then the rain stopped and the blowing,
And the sun came out to dry me. 

Indeed. I love Robert Frost.

Standing where I am… I see it all. See the world that just went ahead of me. From here I can see them all. The part of the world we see stationary around us.. wasn’t so always. It all ends one day. They all ran ahead. Crashing and smashing everything in their path. Can their silence give even the slightest notion of their past? Can their mute stillness explain the wonders of their travels? I saw them go ahead. I had stopped for a moment. Unaware of the fact that they had gone too far. In that stagnant moment I saw everything shake. But my feet dragged me away this time. I saved myself. Saved from the fate I just foresaw. The rain had been pouring hard for long. For long had it been washing away my tears and my sweat. The wind had been blowing so cruel. Turning rocks into sand. But with a step backward taken… I was just in time to meet the sun… With no one here to share the story… I guess its time to return.

Hah.  Long story short. Sire means…

I quit

For good….