Elastic Heart

Every few weeks, usually after when I deal with over 200 patients in a single day or over two days the utmost, a certain piece of my machinery breaks. Around patient number 152 I can feel the blow jogging that piece out of place and around the 167th patient, I can hear it hanging by a thread and then soon by patient number 198..I hear a pop as it flies out and I know I have broken down. I see two more people and run outside as fast as I can, holding myself together so I could glue another piece in. If I get so lucky to find it.
I don’t, usually.

This morning, around 3:35 in the morning..I felt my back break. The entire week came crashing at me. All my emotions, all my buried baggage came spilling out as I sobbed on the deserted footsteps of the casualty operation theater. I wanted to leave. I wanted to run away. I wanted to dig a hole in the very cold marble I sat on and disappear for a while. My shoulders shook with all that was pent up within me as it just poured and poured and poured. And then the wind started to blow. And a dust storm rose, stinging my swollen eyes and settling upon all my wounds.

Right then, someone tapped at my shoulder and I looked up. It was my patient with acute exacerbation of asthma I had managed an hour ago. He had tracked me down to the last place I could be and wanted me to recheck him so he could go home. And perhaps, would I be so kind to check his mother’s blood pressure?

Of course. I’d be right down.

The patient left and I slowly walked down the stairs back to meet my colleague who had been covering for me for the last 10 minutes. Feeling started to return to my numb toes and dust ridden eyes as I sat down to check patient number 201, smiling and making small talk. I could feel the glue drying up and the machine whirring.
Come at me, now, oh dear pain.

 

I got stamina.

In Vain

anger girl what the hell

I wish I could walk up to a few people, look them straight in the eye and slowly say these words:

I could care less about your existence.

Your existence means nothing to me

But why on earth would I do such a mean thing?

Because they move around, building up a persona for the sake of me and everyone around them. Liking, disliking, talking and walking for the benefit and approval of those present in the vicinity. I would hate to see what true isolation would do to them…I imagine it would punch holes into their thickly garnished exterior and the vacuum inside would annihilate them as the reality of the situation would suck everything they borrowed. But still, that would be the truest they’d ever feel and the honest they’d ever act.

Why do you bother? Why do you bother hide from me, and lie to me, and talk for me when I do not care? Why do you take a step trying to affect me when in reality nothing you do or shall ever do will ever have any kind of an impact on me? Why do you soil yourself, drench yourself in filth and then make up philosophies to justify some code of morality you uphold for the sake of Godknowswho and Heavenknowswhat?  I am not jealous at your worthless accomplishments, I am not impressed by the phony attire you dab on to appear ‘different’, I am not hurt at your ‘rational’ decisions and remarks, I am not dominated by your demeanor. I pity you. I judge you. And if I could, I would avoid the shadow of your shadow…for what I do, is fear that the frustration I feel at your lack of originality, your utter obliviousness of this fact, that epitome of mediocrity that possesses every pore of your body… might one day end up charring me to my core if I get to stay near you any longer.

But then again.

Sweetheart,

I could care less.

What I am like during exams…

Well there are many alternate names I could use as a title for my blog…. Of all the times I mention them.
Anne.. Bro.. Stance.. Mood swings.. Peace or
PHYSICS!!!!!!

YEAH! Another physics blunder and I feel like busting someone’s cecum apart. Why.. why and WHY does something go wrong when I am stuck with dear old PHYSICS?

Oh yes. Had a practical exam. Blunder number one
GRAPH!!!!
Why does a curve occur when I tend to draw a straight line and why do I always get a straight line when I tend to draw a curve??!!

And yes.. Number two…There is that SLOPE of the graph! And why do I always mess up with the scale? Why were all the first ten roll numbers given CHAIRS to sit while drawing a graph and rest of the fifteen girls had to burn their fat away standing over those DAMN tables? And me being a tall one had to crouch over them.. And had to compose a literary face fixed with glasses because Sire Examiner was observing me very closely!!! Why I had not even a single friend in my batch… All crazy girls from next section. If you think your life is hell then I do invite you to switch places with me during my practical exams!

And then… there was this EXAMINER
And the non existent questions he asked me in viva!
I was like.. Sir…ARE YOU KIDDING ME OR WHAT?
Then he would smirk and ask me.. alright what is the charge on gamma rays
No charge Sir. They are photons.
How many holes are there in a conduction band?
Get lost man. I hate you.

Then then there was this second graph about semi conductor diodes.
And of course.. there was this SLOPE! And I was like.. not again Sire.. not again

And why did I forget that innocent little screw gauge that had an error of 39!!!
Screw you people. Screw you in the same screw gauge and calculate the diameters of your squashed brains without zero correction.

And then he was asking so innocent questions from some people!!! Which device has more resistance.. Voltmeter or Galvanometer and I was like HELL WHY NOT ME. What is the unit of Spring constant.. Pressure… Wieght…Capacitance and Muma I hate these people.

And yeah… I accidentally looked at the door and saw my Mum peeking through the glass. I was like… I’m ok Mum… Stop freaking me out… FOR HEAVEN’S SAKE

And ha.. there was this girl. She straight went for her viva and tossed her hair and said…Sir I am not going to answer anything I guess my dad had a talk… And he said SPEAK LOW GIRL and I… of course… with my super sharp ears heard it and turned back and watched the examiner through narrowed eyes over my glasses… I got you man.. I got you

But ha.. That was just to pass time because a girl next to me was copying the scale I used for the graph. I don’t care what these screwed up old fat examiners do…. They won’t change (so won’t we) And as I was on my way back home I felt distantly sad. I prayed that I would live to see this system change… I wished I would see the clarity and real effort coming forward… And all I prayed was.. Lord make chemistry go awesome..

And Of course… When I came out of the lab after Chemistry the second day.. All I thought was..yeah.. He listens…=) Happy Aye!