I just didn’t wanna come back

Plane

It’s not everyday you get the break you just need. Whether you really deserve it,though, is subjective.

It’s like escaping into another world, far from your insecurities and troubles. Forgetting everyone and everything. People you love, people you hate. They are all there, somewhere in the blurriness of your memories but come walk a while early in the morning breathing clean air, wearing black socks and for a second even they don’t exist. It can be beautiful, ironic still though. Not to exist and then wipe out existence of all you know. It clears the head for a while. Makes you breathe as if you felt your lungs for the first time

Happiness is so overrated. Just like pain is so clichéd. It’s everywhere, it’s in everyone. As I got up from my seat and picked up my bag and started to walk down those stairs from the plane I felt my heart sinking into a pit that, though narrow, was still there. I didn’t wanna go back. I didn’t wanna exist again. I didn’t want so many to exist in my heart, mind and life again. I just didn’t wanna come back. There was peace in my heart and no pain in my mind. I have always been virtual. But it had always stung.

Peace is so overrated too by the way =_=

Anyways let’s go get some Hardees and chill, I am starving  =D

Hardees-logo

 

What do you say?

Sunshine

It’s early morning. It’s a beautiful day. I come out quietly, moving slowly, treading carefully. My eyes are tired of the insomnia but the sleep doesn’t come so easy now a days. I lay awake thinking of the mistakes I make, rethinking strategies in my head, going back to the faint memories I relish, and by the time I barely understand my thoughts, night leaves and day comes along. So I just get up, tie my hair gone wild around me, and leave the room

I come out and sit on one of the plastic chairs lying around in the lawn. I see Jimmy breathing lightly on the ground. Maybe he couldn’t sleep either. He’s our dog. He’s my silent friend. Every now and then we sit together and stare into the air. He thinks, I think. Neither of us say anything but I can feel those thought clouds hung in the air, hovering over our heads, and then that one cloud that connects us, wonder what he’s thinking..wonder what she’s thinking…

So here I am again, sitting next to him. He stares into the air, and I do the same. I have nothing to say to you, no words to explain what I feel. So I take refuge in explaining the world around me, the blue sky, the green lawn, the gray veranda, the brown dog, my green chair, my maroon clothes, my chocolate hair, our white car. For what do you say when you don’t have them right words, what do you say when you find out that every insecurity and doubt you ever had were true, what do you say when you break a promise with fate? She made you alone, kept you alone, so do Her a favour and stop fighting a battle you can never win. She gets what’s She wants. And She always wanted you on your own.

So come on, let’s read a book. Write a poem or sketch a tree. Pick up your bag let’s go for a walk. What do you say?

 

walking away with dog

“Man is least himself when he talks in his own person. Give him a mask, and he will tell you the truth.”

walk away on sand

The boy’s gone. The boy’s gone home.

It’s a tree trunk. It’s a cut down tree trunk. It was planted by my grandma, and then two more  grew on its side. Grandma died when I was 9. Few years back they cut one tree that the storm killed. Then they cut another. And now they finally cut the main trunk as the roots were tampering with God knows what.

What will happen to a face in the crowd when it finally gets too crowded.
And will happen to the origins of sound after all the sounds have sounded
Well I hope I never have to see that day but by god I know it’s headed our way
So I better be happy now that the boy’s going home. The boy’s gone home.

And I am sitting on it, the wind is raging around me, ruffling my hair, blowing through me. I have met a lot of winds before this day. I will meet a lot afterwards. But they never stop to amaze me. They never will stop to make me think and think so deep that my feet give way. I can feel her on my face. Hard cold slaps. Once. Twice. And again.

And what becomes of a day for those who rage against it
And who will sum op the phrase for all left standing around in it

I know not the heart I have. I know not of the heart left in me. I do not know when it all started. When my imagination became my reality and when my reality turned virtual. When the solids around me went up in smoke and the air and the winds materialized around me. I do not know when it all started. I do not know what this wind wants from me now

Well I suppose we’ll all make our judgement call
We’ll walk it alone, stand up tall, then march to the fall 
So we better be happy now that we’ll all go home

I am tired. Tired to be the person I am. Tired to change into someone else. Tired to believe in things that don’t exist and feelings that don’t hold. Tired of trusting. God I am so tired of hope itself

Be so happy with the way you are
Be so happy that you made it this far
Go on be happy now. Please be happy now

Tell me what heart do I have? I wish it was big enough to engulf all the misery and anger and pain, make it disappear. Be lost into some pit and be lost forever. All it takes is a gust of wind. A broken tree trunk. And a bad word, to bring everything bubbling to the surface

But it won’t come up again. The thoughts the feelings. The trust and the depth of love. The very hope in some distant savior turned to dust and the very wind that held on to me so long is taking all those feelings away. Maybe it’s time. To stop walking with the figment of your imagination. Stop talking to friends that are not material. Because if being virtual is your truth, then better walk away from the actual. From the solid. Their reality is much perfect without. Without you

I tried to live my life and live it so well
But when it’s all over is it heaven or is it hell
I better be happy now that no one can tell, nobody knows
I’m gonna be happy with the way that I am
I’m gonna be happy with all that I stand for
I’m gonna be happy now because the boy’s going home.

The boy’s gone home.

sparrow and tree
(Lyrics: Jason Mraz’s Boy’s Gone and Title: Oscar Wilde)

 

 

Are you dumb because you know me not, or dumb because you know?

rain

It’s a long journey when you have to walk from the class to the bus stand when you are walking alone. With friends the distance seems like hardly anything. But talking about this again and again makes no difference. It’s not like it’ll change anything. Anything. It happened in the past and nothing I say will stop it to happen again. When a friend starts to hurt and the remorse starts to evaporate soon enough… a time soon comes when the remorse is not felt at all. Why does that happen? I have no freaking idea. Maybe we get adapted to one thing and then we don’t feel it at all

I don’t make a lot of friends. It’s not my habit, it’s not in my power. When I made a best friend I thought I would never have to make another friend ever again.

But I have been left out. Once, twice,thrice ..so many times. Sometimes it feels as if it’s a lie I tell myself everyday I wake up and every night I sleep.

Well. I am waiting for the day it starts to make no difference to me too.. And boy I have been waiting for a long time..

(Title: Frost’s Flower Gathering)

Lingering grief

It’s like two people talking across the oceans. I am sitting on one shore he’s on the other. We lie on the sands and talk, so far away, but don’t cross the waters. This is not because we can’t.. it’s just because we don’t want to. We watch the sun going down and silence etching like shards of crystalline ice as the sands turn cold..

It’s a sad thing. The feeling of lingering grief. That melancholy is in the air because ..you know.. maybe the last boat we so knowingly missed.. was the last one that might ever leave…

boat and night

For what is it to die, But to stand in the sun and melt into the wind?

sitting_in_the_sun

Apple green and light blue. Simple colours that light me up. Brown wet hair blowing dry in winds and that sun warming everything up. It’s Sunday. That ball of light was up. I watched it the whole day, until it sank behind the trees I am not friends with

Sometimes, everything seems oddly at peace. We shut that mind that heart that conscience in us and for that moment everything is still. We close our eyes to everything we have done, all that we should’ve done and sit somewhere on the grass. Not trying to think. Not thinking. Not breathing. Not listening. Afraid that the tiniest of whispers would shatter it all. The mist would part and we’ll have to face it all. Face all that we left behind. Feel  her still there. In the past. Near. But so far from the heart.

But how long will she stay. How long will she wait. How long will she break. One day, when the clouds will leave and the Sun will pour itself to light your blind eyes, you won’t find that friend there. World’s oldest story. No tracks. Not a single reminder of her existence. Even the words in your head will sound distant and blurred. A slight sting would remain, buried somewhere deep in you. A thorn buried deep in your flesh.

No matter what, son, The Sun will rise. It will rise from behind those trees, that, ah, just never became friends of mine.

Sun_behind_trees

Title: Quote by Khalil Gibran

“Why trying so hard to fit in, when you’re born to stand out”

Well. Mom’s not home today. She had to go somewhere and I am stuck alone. Never mind..never mind

So I am sitting in the room, with books all around me, begging me to open them. If you are quiet you can almost hear their tiny pleas. I am kind of lying in the sofa, with pins trying to prevent hair from coming in my eyes; Yes, I had a new haircut

You know something about me? Change is very difficult for me. Harder than you can imagine. I technically have been having the same haircut since grade 7… I changed it in grade 12 for a short while but then backslide to the older. The cut is still the same but is so short and croppy that it will be almost a week after I stop whining about it

It’s the same with everything. It takes too long and much hard work to adjust to something new. And with friends it takes months, for really good friends…years. And then when it snaps up so soon..it takes superhuman strength to go on. One piece falling out of my life changes so much. Everything starts to seem so..so..incomplete. Like with the new haircut I feel as if the world is suddenly a much annoying place to live in right now

But then, months and years will pass.. and I will gain new perceptions about life and people. My sister once said that Change is the only permanent thing in nature… But I don’t know.. once I get comfortable with something..it goes on for a long time, for example I have the same ringtone for over a year and believe me I have no intentions of getting rid of it in foreseeable future….

I am writing because there is something wrong in the air today… and there is nobody who understands.. but hell I was born to be different and I love that way

Two weeks approx. and I go back to college.

I don’t know but the more I hate change the more turns does my life take. Well, I don’t know whether it is the road we choose that makes much difference.. or is just the soul the walks upon it

Think about it

Ciao ciao =)

Title: Quote by James Oliver

In the corner, into night

(I found this in a lost folder in my computer, I guess I wrote at night after some party or wedding ceremony)

There always are these eerie feelings. They have been there. And they shall remain

And I sit here. Again. As the slightest of the prick finally blows me apart. Again. Been fighting all day. But in the low hours I cease to be what I tend to become. So I just fall back. Let my hair loose. Let them fall free and wild on my shoulders and I retire to face the corner of my bed. Time to just, let go

I remember the pendant I wore. Black. All set with stones. Beautiful. Lying heavily around my neck. I just want to say what I want to say. And I know, there is that opening in me, from where vibrations or feelings enter or leave. I just pick them up. Or let them leave my world. My body, my existence

And I have truly nothing to say. There are just these feelings that inhabit me. I cannot put down what I feel because this pain is rooted so deeply in me that at the end of the day it will, it will force me to repay for all the happiness and laughter of the day. It will make me curl in my bed and call people long dead and places long left.

This does not mean I am weak. This does not portray that I am falling apart. This is just a part necessary for my survival. I am what pain and happiness make me. The stages in between ends up making me.. one of the crowd
Maybe that is the place where I belong. Maybe someday I will not be left alone here. Maybe someday someone will keep me away from crowds. Or stay as I sway with the suffocation burning my lungs away

I am not waiting. I am not yearning. I don’t possess such feelings anymore. I have left and I will never come back. I will not be and I don’t want to be pursued

You know, this time I mean it…

It is just one of those thoughts I have

I can’t come up with a story. I am far too drained and tired. Brain is cracking. Hands are limp. Not dead neither dying. State of pure tiredness. And will transform into the State of Nothingness soon. It’s good. Helps body heal. Muscles readjust. Bones breathe

I am not going to tell the story of how I roamed around the planet getting stuff done and how much did I miss my Dad being away. Nor will I say what part of me rejuvenated or which part just so darned surrendered. Nor the vibrations tearing my body apart. Nothing. I am sitting on my maroon chair. I am home. I am eating Twix. Just finished a pack of Milky Way. I am ok. I’ll soon transit into a better and peaceful state

So what if I am hearing James Blunt and so what I feel like sighing? So what if those parts of our heart that cling to our souls and minds and suck any bit of light they get? So what if there are things we cannot just let go? So what if I think that my pc’s battery life is almost over? So what if I hate my cell phone? So what if I don’t care having another? So what If I am pissed off due to absolutely no reason? HAN? SO WHAT?

Sick of drama. That’s it. Want to sleep and get over it. I just want to get over it.

A thing is not necessarily true because a man dies for it

It is a strange day. It is a stranger me. The thoughts, the feelings the perceptions are all new.. And all so strange.

I lie here, oh yes I do. On a soft bed under a soft quilt. Head resting on a soft pillow. Every part of my body pains. There are places of unknown anatomy that pulsate with known pain. My hands burn. My breath is shallow. Every breath I intake feels like hitting my lungs hard. It is so strange. So far away

I don’t care. About anything, about anyone. I am sighing these deep sighs. My eyes are dry. And I am so broken. So broken.. Lord every part of me has fallen apart. And the pieces that stick to me are nothing but jagged shards. Piercing me in places unknown

Hope.. yes.. I hope it all ends today. I have no curiosity no want to go ahead. People say there is a lot I have to see. There is a lot to come. I know that speech by heart. I have been making it to different people at different times. But no.. I don’t want to go on. I have seen enough. My soul is full of all the experiences. Body is weak. Heart won’t take more

Watching the eerie, unbelievingly white and clean ceiling. Watching through eyes so tired, so groggy. I lie here, breathing in rich medicine scented hospital air. I have loved, I have met lots of people. Made friends made foes. Lost people found people. Broke got up. Got practical got emotional.. I just wanna go home now.. I am content of all I ever saw of what ever happened… But now after all I went through. All I saw and All I felt. I don’t want to be wasted anymore. It is just plain refusal to fight anymore. It is just plain defeat of a soul that isn’t blue anymore…

(title: Quote by Oscar Wilde)