Now, but never again

Walking away

It took a while to understand
And a while to know
The road I went on
Was never mine to go

It took a while to look
And a while to see
The person you just buried
Was someone I used to be

I went on this path
With a flower held to heart
The one you laid
On my mistaken grave

It took all this time to feel
And all this time to say
You never loved me once
and I won’t love you again..

Here lie I Timon

I was passing the graveyard… one of the most lonely places I had ever been to..It had the same old air about it as we read in books and similar to what we see in movies…Time suddenly started to  flow very slowly as I found myself amidst a thousand memories.. threatening to drown me. I could remember myself in that play yard holding a dying a friend.. But his tiny body wasn’t buried here.. He wasn’t here to call my name again…He was gone and had left my memories bruised to the extent that I still bleed..

Was she here too? My flesh my blood torn apart from me before I could barely have the loved feeling? But ah her grave was lost soon after she was buried… She was gone and wiped away from the world’s memories as if she never existed… She wasn’t here to call my name…

Was he here too? A man who loved me more than seven fathers? Was he here to see his child was bruised? Was he here to tell me he still listened to my cries deep in the night and that he still remembered that I loved him more than mum? Will he stop me and tell me I’ll be alright? Will he hear if I say I love him? Will he call my name and hold me back?

Now I pictured that white beard and that white dress… I could hear the old man teaching me the Holy Book…. I could hear him teaching me basics of a human being… I could see him reading books through his thick glasses… He was the same man who walked across the hall on his old legs to see his grand-daughter’s sprained ankle in the epic netball match..It was against his nature to love and care for girls but ah I had always been special…Was he here too? Was his pure soul waiting for his grand daughter to come at his grave? Would he call me and ask me about his books? I would tell him they were safe I would tell him I loved him… something I never had the guts to say…

Were my dead uncles here too? The same who came at our place at every festival and brought me so much stuff? Was my grandma here too? The same who used to stand in cold scolding me to wear my cardigan…?

I closed my eyes and they were dry I felt my heart it was steady… I dragged myself away from the buzz of these memories, there was no one to call me back, For this graveyard had long been silent…

I had gone far. I had reached the end of the my world. I was done with lies. I was done with games. The world I lived in will not let me stay happy. And the ones who would’ve cared, won’t call anymore. So far away now… I started digging my own grave. It was about time