I got up with sun stinging my eyes, someone banging at some door and my bladder threatening to burst. I woke up gruntled and went out. Took me a whole minute to recognize the fact that all my friends had gone to brunch and it was a whopping 12 26 pm
So by this time, the cafe downstairs would be closed for the breakfast crowd, I was out of cereal and all I had were three bananas. Well, that wasn’t so bad. I plugged in my wifi, brushed my teeth and washed my face, which I then remembered, I hadn’t washed for two days. Stuffed the bananas in my mouth. Cleaned my room, did my dishes..and here I am, sitting in my bed with sun shining so pretty, warming up the cold in my fingers
Another year of Medicine gone. I hope I make it through Pharma. Right now there is an eerie silence in my corridor and I am trying to arrange my thoughts. I am going to go outside, chose a corner and finish the book I am reading. It was my birthday last week and I didn’t even have the time to sit somewhere and mope about it. It’s the perfect day today. Everyone is their own worlds. The ones they prefer, the ones where I never truly am gonna fit it. Sometimes we try hard, trying to belong to a shiny, outwardly cheery happy place but the fact remains some of us are just not like that.
Years will go by, everything will change but the very core of our very being drags us back to what we became, or chose to become, long long while ago.
So let it be today =)
I gotta write this at sometime and it has been days. Well. Yes. Birthday hit on 30th November, my second day back college. Exactly the way it happened last year. Blah It was the worst birthday ever. I am not going into the details but yeah, almost every one of my friends didn’t remember. Those who did, didn’t bother. The building wifi was down so even Facebook couldn’t help this time. I have never been the birthday party person, although I am like the best party planner you can have. It’s only Dad who can make my birthday worth something. And well, he’s away. It’s..kind of my fault. When you spin a cocoon around you, expecting is worthless. This was the first birthday I actually was looking forward to, to test all the friendships I had made and the things I had done. And it all got smashed onto my face. My best dress got ripped, I lost a book… I don’t even wanna get into the story of me in the bus and all that time I was in the lecture theatre. Let’s move on. Come on Well, at night while scribbling on my journal I wrote like a 100-year-old lady. Telling myself that it’s about time we move on from the childish rituals. On my 17th birthday all my family and kids came together and we had such a big blast and I was uncomfortable the whole time and now when everyone forgot I sat in one corner of the bus taking deep breaths. Oh we humans can never be satisfied. But like I said before, being alone in something different and to be deliberately left out is a whole new thing. Knowing you have a friend nearby but still you will have to face the crowd alone..it..stings But then. One person I am not even a bit close, not a bit, nothing more than a happy-go-lucky friend gave a surprise about two days later. Said she was sorry about forgetting the day and she and Bubbly (my friend and room-mate) brought a cake and she herself made a big bowl of pasta for me and they had all sorts of balloons (as if I am like a two-year old =D, but you get the gesture, and it was cute) and… it was great. Really. Awesome.. My voice was stuck in my throat and suddenly I felt I was back in Sharjah and dad was decorating the room and Mom was cooking and my friends were filling in.. It was not the cake nor the balloons. Nor was it Bubbly screaming HAPPY BIRTHDAY, nor was my dude Alfa eating pasta with a guilty face. Amidst all those feelings, amidst all that I know that I am going to be alone forever, It was that sitting together and that laughter that made me smile. That’s gonna be there in my heart forever. It was that song that was played five minutes before 30th November ended. It is all this that stops me from giving up altogether and fight for my faltering heartbeats.. because there are times for me, you know, when living just stops to matter..
Well. I was up because of the fast and I had slept at 2 and my head was swimming and buzzing and screaming. So while slowly eating my mind was racing somewhere else. Surprisingly, my cousin, with whom I seldom talk, looked at my face and texted me later that was everything okay with me, Just lack of sleep, I answered
I was thinking that I give people way too much importance than they actually deserve, I consider them special and good on a whole different level. Then I was thinking that I overthink everything. Every single gesture and word just sticks and sucks on to me like a godforsaken leech. Then I thought about people who say my blog is hellish, like disappointing and miserable and sad. New for you, I am the happiest and jolliest person in real, if prose gets the Thomas Hardy out of me, so be it. Plus this is my space I like writing when I am not feeling good. And that, does never mean that you point on me and say that I have to sing sunshine lollipops all the time.
It’s crazy what irritation and insomnia can do ter me
Well. I have tried changing myself. And well it has been good. It ended up making me more sensitive but at least I don’t bother people with it. And I developed a habit of shutting myself out and about when things get worse. It takes me down though, two days in a week I am edgy and likely to explode but rest of the five days run like a train on a German schedule
I live a perfectly normal life so nicely balanced with problems and hardships. World out there is filled with suffering. It gets worse, I hear. But I am glad to be what I am.
And I am sleepy. See ya guys
P.s. Happy Birthday Stance =)
A phone call, a sweet voice, my closing eyes, my cold hands My kid’s 18 Yes mom, She’s 18. My kid’s old now.. Oh yes mom.. your kid’s old Splashing my face with cold water, smearing my bun with jam Oh yes, a kid’s eighteen. Kicking my bruised feet ahead, walking to the bus in green, Joking with the mates, a group laughs They don’t know I’m 18 Blaring lectures, moving around As the cramps cripple my spine and the bus threaten to leave Her kid’s 18 In a hall of crying adults, a kid cheers them all She likes walking alone, she likes smiling on them all Happy to be one of them, happy to be apart She’s 18, 18 after all Reads her texts, replies them all. Steals college wifi, attends her calls Smooths her bed, books and plates Writes her journal. Bounces jumps and states They all like her, some might not But then she was a kid, now she’s not Oh Mom.. you’ll never know Your kid was old, old all along…