It’s No Treat Being In My Head

I bunked college today to come back early because I couldn’t take a minute more of the pointless droll my Professor was trying to sell (offense intended). Stopped at the bakery to get bread for my friend, had a tiff with a cab driver, came back and stuffed myself with food and regretted it the moment I took the last bite and felt as if I would explode. Bad choice, Haib.

(I can hear my stomach hating me)

So. Self Indulgence time

My research proposal is STUCK. And that adds up to a clutter in my head and it keeps bugging me all the time. All the time. Like a fork jammed in my head. All these things felt so good a month ago, when I was jumping up and down for getting in the Electives Program (Psychology) at a very respected Institute and when my research synopsis was formed and now they won’t return my email about..something, time is moving on like hell and the moment I shut Goljan Pathology and ask myself a question I rush to the window to throw myself off it. And then there was this Tobacco Presentation I wanted to make but lost all heart for it. I can never force myself to do anything. It comes out wrong and I am control freak. Jack of all trades, Master of none is kind of not what I am going for =/. I am just gonna focus on the important things and try to keep the mess in my head to the minimum.

Honestly speaking…I don’t really mind. I like having challenges to face. Problems to tackle. It’s better than sitting in that lecture hall of mine, trying hard to keep my eyes open, listening to the History of Polio Vaccine and why IPV is different from OPV…I don’t mind history or polio..I just can’t fathom the tone, that boring, monotonous tone that sucks the living soul out of me.. (offense intended)

With that being said, I am gonna go lie flat on the floor and read Dostoevsky. Then I am gonna fall asleep over there and wake up with a very stiff back but well…with those Russian dudes, I really don’t mind =D I just hope no bug crawls into my ear and eats its way to my brain. O_O

Btw..It has been four years with this blog. Happy Anniversary to me =)

Au revoir ! 

problem_solved

Breaking Points

 PS_0357W_WEIRDER

It’s funny what things we learn every second day. And how bold we become when we’ve got nothing to lose, how crass when we just don’t care, so absolutely brave when we accept the facts and how…utterly light when we are done facing the reality and moving on

I’ve found a new way of pushing people to their absolute edge. That is: Showing them the weird part of my brain. That absolute craziness I hide when I care, when I am afraid that I’ll end up screwing things up. But take that part away, and you’ve found utter and absolute …madness

Because…once you’re past a moment in your life..you’re done. Gone. Over. Once you accept the actual thing. Accept what you really are and cast aside the petty notions of what you wanted to become, those images you tried to mirror, those standards you tried to live up to, those illusions you had shrouded yourself in..world is a whole different place. I am not saying quit trying to be better or to be achieve something..all I am saying is I’d rather be a psycho with fifteen sneakers in my closet than a washed up imitation of a pompous know it all.

That got a little bit out of hand there.. =P

And if I get that response, that true reaction when the other person, instead of running away to the other direction when I blurt the glaring truth, stays and bares those completely idiotic moments of their life, comfortable because..hell, they’re talking to someone way screwed up…the entire moment turns into such a fun memory they’ll remember for years. No judgement, no, nothing. The air is suddenly lighter and the blanket a little bit warmer

And when I find those who live in their sane worlds with their normal lives and believe they can make it with me…

Loosen up or run..

You’ve been warned =P

kid chocolate smeared

Hobbies aye : Embroidery

I did my first piece after doodling for two days! It’s not perfect,not even near perfect.. BUT I DID IT ! I borrowed thread from one Aunt, needle and scissors from another and hoop from distant neighbours. The only thing I own in the set up is the pen I used to draw and the cloth that was a leftover of my shirt and was about to be used as a kitchen rag

Here you go !

This was the first try to see if I can do the fern stitch at last or not

This was the first try to see if I can do the fern stitch at last or not. It’s not my thumb

 

Progress 1

I always carry out my hobbies near my laptop, which btw, goes by the name of Cassius

 

Proceeding.

Proceeding. (The colourful boxes is my shirt btw)

 

TA DA!

TA DA!

 

It's not bad for the first try =P YAAAAY

It’s not bad for the first try =P YAAAAY

Pick a card, any card

 

Pick a card

So it all comes down to this. Making a choice. Getting to a decision. Turning iron heart and let that hate enter your veins again. God, it hasn’t been so long since my blood was all clean..

Three years, I have had three years now. Blogging my life away. Writing stories, making up poems, disguising my feelings into sultry words, Sometimes being brutally honest, sometimes just angrily cryptic. Then slowly dissolving away in front of the very eyes of mine and those I got acquainted with. Friends… is a very loose term indeed

I don’t know what happened. The other day I was travelling on the bus and it just hit me in the face. What is happening? How could I let my world slip away and re-form me? How could it mould me the way it wanted? Where did I slip away? Did I fall behind, Did I walk fast or am I just lost in the crowd that I don’t see anyone else anymore? Where is that faith? Where is that trust? Where is all that hope and fantasy?

Sometimes it feels as if, maybe, I am looking myself truly for the first time. Bare and solitary. Without the assorted dreams and exceptions I ever had. Things haven’t died in me to the very extent, yes, but I don’t see that soul in me, that tender thing I cherished so much. It’s all anger and the practicality hardening me inside out. Truth be told.. I don’t even mind anymore

Three years. Met two great writers and people. EMK and APB…and a few others who just stopped blogging…

I just hope someday I vanish myself. But…seriously… apart from my cynical crap.. Life’s not bad. I hope I have the courage to stick around longer before I just..go. Anyways, till then

Cheerio !

 

Forget love, I’d rather fall in chocolate.

twinkle lights

Life’s not sad and twisted all the time. Wedged right between the dull and the bad are some pretty satisfying times in life of a loner. Happy even, if one understands what that really is. Just go to the bank, get all the credit card problem fixed. Get the other card the ATM ate last night. Come back home and after food shut the blinds, wrap yourself in a comforter and watch House Md on your pc placed on your table at just the right distance from your bed. Then switch on the soft yellow twinkle lights hanging all around in your room. Switch off your cell, and shut the door. There’s no one in the corridor to stomp around and interrupt your drama time. All the issues of the day have been resolved. There’s nothing to study for as yet. Your assignments are all done. You’re going home to meet your parents in a short while.

~Life’s good, ey !!~

I just didn’t wanna come back

Plane

It’s not everyday you get the break you just need. Whether you really deserve it,though, is subjective.

It’s like escaping into another world, far from your insecurities and troubles. Forgetting everyone and everything. People you love, people you hate. They are all there, somewhere in the blurriness of your memories but come walk a while early in the morning breathing clean air, wearing black socks and for a second even they don’t exist. It can be beautiful, ironic still though. Not to exist and then wipe out existence of all you know. It clears the head for a while. Makes you breathe as if you felt your lungs for the first time

Happiness is so overrated. Just like pain is so clichéd. It’s everywhere, it’s in everyone. As I got up from my seat and picked up my bag and started to walk down those stairs from the plane I felt my heart sinking into a pit that, though narrow, was still there. I didn’t wanna go back. I didn’t wanna exist again. I didn’t want so many to exist in my heart, mind and life again. I just didn’t wanna come back. There was peace in my heart and no pain in my mind. I have always been virtual. But it had always stung.

Peace is so overrated too by the way =_=

Anyways let’s go get some Hardees and chill, I am starving  =D

Hardees-logo

 

30th November (III)

I like testing people. I do it all the time. Everyday. Every other moment. Sometimes its obvious. Sometimes it’s subtle. Sometimes I get them to fail, no matter what. My test, My rules. It’s a crazy world up in my head.

Why ramble on into a huge story of what happened or what didn’t? It was such a long while ago. It was a good day, I was born. Dad Mom Sis were happy. They still are. I too am a lot happier. Crap goes on, I deal with it, Crap comes back, I hit it. People get crap in them, I get a blow. First I used to help them out of it.. now I pretty much shove it in their faces and leave.

Happy birthday to me, Happy birthday to me B-)

Happy birthay to me

Here’s to My 2nd crossword puzzle, and more !

crossword

When I get crazy.. I get crazy. I go after one thing like a freaking bull and I don’t give up until I am all burned out. I mean it’s with everything, a new hairstyle, a new pen, a new colour, a new dress, a new jacket, a new book series, new flavour of something I eat, even a new friend. Even an old friend breathing goodbye. I’ll go the last extent to do something that enters my head and I will do it. The sad point is nothing productive ever does, I mean if I had the same thing with studies I would’ve been a freaking genius, but no.. that’s the territory of brother procrastination. Mahalo  =D

So I was off to an old bookstore with a couple of friends the other day. I had been saving up for a while but well.. they didn’t have the Iris Murdoch set so I was really really bummed out, I had read most of the classics and the rest I won’t read. So as I was coming out of the last store, my toe screaming because my cowboy boots can be pretty stiff on that edge when I saw a worn out book lying in the corner, the big yellowing thing with CROSSWORD PUZZLES written on it. Now I stood in the alley and pondered..

Doing crosswords ain’t my thing. I do Sudoku, love code crackers, anagrams, mathematical brain teasers but I totally skip over the crossword part of the newspaper. It just ain’t my thing, it has never been, But I took a chance, while my friends were off a few yards I ran back (with my toe screaming obscenities) and purchased the book. I know the store owner ripped me way off since he had seen that devilish spark and frenzy I get into my eyes sometimes. He knew I’d buy it no matter what. Damn =/

But yo! It was mad the next day. Only Sidney and Kate were there rest everyone was home for the holidays and Kate had been on a slumber strike for 18 hours and wouldn’t wake up, So I and Sidney just went crazy and by the time we were screaming and high-fiving at the end of our first solved puzzle.. as Sidney puts it, our brains had dissolved and as I put it, the part left was being pecked at by crows

 

SO the next day Sidney wouldn’t do another puzzle with me, said she had enough last night and her brain was still recovering, the stubborn ass I am, I went into my room, heat wasn’t working so my hands were frozen, I wrapped myself up in a big blanket and completed another puzzle within two hours

Well I cheated too but well.. chalta he =D

Happy.

AYE !

HAPY AYE

Again, at the crossroads

teddy blanket

So last night I am all wrapped up in my bed, it’s about 10 o’clock and I am reading a book. Someone passes by my room with a characteristic winter *ttttttttttt* of the teeth and I switch the hand holding my kindle and let the poor thing warm while the other hand take its toll. Man it’s getting cold and all my warm clothes are home. All I have is a lousy sweater and a shawl that I begged my mom to send me via courier. It’s cold here than at home but nah, will my mom listen? Plus I am not gonna visit home till December, so yeah, it’s cold =_=

Next thing I know I am hit by a big bout of cough. Oh right I forgot about it, so I get up and take a big gulp of the cough syrup in my roommate’s drawer and fall back on my bed. Boy Anne has a buckload of medicine. I am not a pill-popping person but I took cough syrup because she is a very light sleeper, just like me and one slight movement at night we both just sit up straight, unless, of course, that night when we both were down with a really bad cough and got high on cough syrup. We slept the entire next day with people banging at our door thinking we were dead. What a fun day =D

So I come back my bed in near the window, wrap myself up again and start reading again. I don’t know how I feel at the moment, I just can’t explain it, It’s like all them feelings creeping up like the warmth from your quilt to the back of your neck, it’s friday. Everyone is with everyone and I am with my book and by God it feels so great. There is one point in your life, that one thing in your life, that one part you know is YOU, it’s yours, it’s who you are and when your life changes , you choose a direction at the crossroads but somewhere far ahead comes a part of that road the air is as warm and the sun is as bright and the ground is as soft as the day you made the decision to change. It’s that point your whole life revolves around, that point you will remember every time you face a change of path. Deja vu. You can’t go back, you don’t want to go back. But that moment you can feel a familiar voice in the back of your head, your own voice lost in the dirt so long ago.

I’ll stick around here a while. Who knows, Someone who chose a different path from that same point crosses this way too. Those who separate at one  crossroads…will always meet at another

Sayonara =)

crossroads