This big heart is such a small organ

Dead leaf

I cannot tell you what it feels like. You know it, deep down and up above. The bittersweet happiness pressing upon your heart and soul. You just feel it. It’s right there. Fluttering beats and the soft light. 

Sit in the corner of a room, illuminated by the dim light of dusk out the window. It’s gonna be dark soon. Sit in that small place between the fridge and the cupboard and hug your legs, pressing them to your chest. Closer to the scared fluttering. You can hear your friends outside, laughing and shouting and you feel that jagged rhythm in your chest again. It’s bitter. The voice of the past. And it’s so soft, the whisper you hear now.

Is it the fear of happiness? Is it the scare of pain again? What is it, pressing on you so lightly, what is it, calling you so softly? 

I cannot tell you, for I may never have them words, But I know you know it

There deep down and so up above. 

I can’t title it, man

Rosy world

You have no idea of the happiness in my heart, you have no idea how fragile this part of me is, how it explodes with a little amount of energy in it, how this body is a huge sink for energies. I absorb it all. Anger sadness happiness joy. And sharing all that laughter with my friends and licking that ice cream bar and all sorts of great memories clashing in my brain.. you have no idea of the light I hold within

And I am skipping. Flying with the beautiful winds, racing in the blue college bus. It’s just that true simple smile. It is just that beautiful true company, it is just people helping each other out, that’s what a conversation does to me, that is what having friends brings to me. As for now I can feel a bubble of light pulsating where my heart used to be. I sure lost it to waves ages ago, but the love I hold in that place right now… I need no pumping organ holding that symbolic essence anymore. Give me a true smile, a true gesture, a genuine conversation and true laughter, and I would heal all that ails you.

These small things just make me get up every morning and go out in the crowd. I don’t know if anyone out there considers me as a true deep friend, or whether I hold that special place in the heart or not.. they laugh at my jokes.

And I can live with spreading smiles..

Relieved is a strange thing to say – you really don’t feel that.

sitting with flowers

I am sitting on the stairs at my Uncle’s huge place. Feeling the light coming through the glass pane windows. I like it here. The damp smell, the empty house. Mom’s out. Sometimes I wish she didn’t have to do all the chores and I could do it for her but then.. we are two distant yet so close people. I don’t know her heart. She doesn’t know mine

After grandpa’s death last week, house is all silent and sad. Nobody told me about his death until Friday when I came from college back home and asked about him and Mom said..honey he’s dead. He had cancer, that I knew.

I remember when my grand dad died. My dadabu. And how that broke me. Through and through. He was my best pal. My mentor. One person who knew all the answers. He was old school, loved all his grandsons. Never much liked the girls. But I was the one girl in the whole family everyone said he loved. They said we were like friends. And I realized that very late..

So I am still sitting here. I won the interclass creative writing competition a week ago. And now I found out I came 2nd in the intercollege competition too. Kind of feels strange. I used to be the type that would spread happiness to the ends of the world once it came to me. I lost my cell. And then maybe nobody really needs to know.

It’s just, we all have thoughts and dreams and ideas. People and friends and foes. And sometimes it’s confusing. What to like what to love. What to hold on and What to hold tight. Turn your back on whom and let who go away. It’s a strange world and a very tricky journey..

happy glasses

College, oh my college =P

Woman reading

It’s a small quiet room it’s a small quiet place. I feel good. And deep. I came back in here after a long tour across the whole building. Said hello hi to all my mates. Cracked some jokes talked some more and back to the old shack we come..

What shall I do now.. read a book? Study? Sketch? Write? Or just lie down and sleep early tonight. I met such a nice humble person today and it feels so nice. I am attracted and pulled towards people with stable energies like you wouldn’t believe. I can’t make friends and be at peace with them if the energies don’t match.. Okay.. I am rambling..

So sitting in the auditorium with tens of people walking around, all hopped up on the coming week filled with fun at college. We get only one week and it is a blast every year. Every one is doing something.. painting.. acting.. singing.. playing basketballbaseballvolleyballtennisbadmintonnetballchessdarts.. And all the literary stuff is also going on. Someone is writing poems someone is jotting down essays.. even the Urdu people are going on with the fun you wouldn’t believe.. but I am better suited with the good old English ey. And I am nothing like the jumpy thing I was at school poking my nose in everything I can lay my hands on (lol) Anyways this place just is everything except a medical college right now.. And the energy is contagious!

Anyways. I better read a book now aye, my roomie is nowhere to be seen

Dracula, here I come =P

bram-stokers-dracula

I AM HAPPY AND THERE IS NOTHING YOU CAN DO !!!

Oye

Oh boy am I a great person

oh hell I am great

You got that straight

Nobody gets so hurt all day and when the night comes and her best friend irons her hair and she irritates the hell out of her. You smile, I smile, we all laugh. What more is there to worry about?

You know what. That moment when you look back at yourself and see all you have been doing and you feel absolutely ridiculous, I wanna look back now. Not after ten twenty thirty years, being a shrivelled old lady and sighing as I lay somewhere on some hospital bed with tubes coming out of me and wires going in. Why do I have to be that person who is just so closed from all sides. I know it is not so much in my power, I cannot break my barriers even myself. I cannot even approach them. I can’t. It starts to feel..vulnerable.. naked even.

SO what happened. I was broken like fifty times today. It was a bad day. Everyone I met spit poison. SO I got all senti.. and I tried talking to someone I thought might help me out but.. well.. when one stops caring it all falls apart. Why talk when there are no words to use ey? My heart is as pure as it will be. I love once. I love forever. Or I leave

SO I will open up. I will be better. I will be a better person. I will cut all that tends to pollute my mind and muddle my heart. I will TALK about things I AM. With MY friends. And I WILL BE HAPPY WHILE I CAN

AYE

I-am-lazy-I-am-busy-but-I-still-love-you-all

GOD I have been putting off SO much and now HELL I have to write this because, OCD or what, this thing is bugging me. I never wrote the new year thingy, I never gave away all the awards I got, not did I ever even write on the fact that I hit 100,000 hits, like a month back

So now. I will

First of all lemme mention all my friends and people I read on WP

And forgive me, they ain’t in any particular order

http://kweschn.wordpress.com

http://regularteenageworld.wordpress.com

http://demonsking19.wordpress.com

http://neyoxhan.wordpress.com

http://partanimalpartmachine.wordpress.com

http://paigesofmydiary.wordpress.com

http://nadianawaz19.wordpress.com

http://gladiuspoeticus.wordpress.com

http://chestermaynes.wordpress.com

http://kczblog.wordpress.com

https://valleyroadrambler.wordpress.com

http://ifitsworth.wordpress.com

http://hopestands.wordpress.com

http://nazishnawab.wordpress.com

http://jayjaysfavorites.wordpress.com

http://mkb07.wordpress.com

http://negativereality.wordpress.com

http://marlingual.wordpress.com

http://zunairaafzal.wordpress.com

http://allthosesmallthings.wordpress.com

The White Pumpkin

http://thatdudeeddie.wordpress.com

http://heaven4earthdotcom.wordpress.com

http://mesayah.wordpress.com

http://courtingmadness.wordpress.com/

http://ajumpinggene.wordpress.com

http://livegrowrepeat.wordpress.com

http://www.ambergrace.org

http://theballadofjoeyflowers.wordpress.com

http://badpanda22.wordpress.com

http://evilnymphstuff.wordpress.com

And I am so so sorry if I missed out anyone. It is freezing cold out here and internet in my building is awful..

And my buddies need to wait for my next post, as I confess my love to them individually =D <3

Anyways. First thing’s first

I started my blog on April 8, 2010. Within two years I got so much love and appreciation from my friends and otherwise and my views and readers just kept shooting. Miracle or what I thank all of you. You guys, are amazing. And tell me what good writer isn’t? You write from your heart and leave me astounded.  Some of you are poets, some practice prose (my love), some write passages and some pour themselves out in their diaries. Some of you are all of this and so much more. It’s like my dream family in which everyone is a writer, and so WP becomes a home. And I am a lousy member… I am sorry. I have my hands in all kinds of dough and college is tiring. I have lost so many people in here because I just cannot blog the way I used to, Write the way I did. But still. I love you guys. And so many of my friends started blogging a little while after I did and great going all of you. I am glad you joined me in here. Thank you for seeing me through my two years. I turned 17, I turned 18, I turned 19. Well.. technically I froze at the age of 109 but shhh, let’s leave it to that

I do hope you all continue this journey with me. For I know one thing in this world more than anything. It’s writing. I am becoming a doctor but I can never leave it behind me. Writing is like breathing. I’ll stop the day I die {And death is not that far away. Since my exams result come out any second.. =( }

Happy new year people. All you guys and grandpas have a great life =)

Aye =D

384462-14529-3

30th November (II)

Aw nuts =D I gotta write this at sometime and it has been days. Well. Yes. Birthday hit on 30th November, my second day back college. Exactly the way it happened last year. Blah It was the worst birthday ever. I am not going into the details but yeah, almost every one of my friends didn’t remember. Those who did, didn’t bother. The building wifi was down so even Facebook couldn’t help this time. I have never been the birthday party person, although I am like the best party planner you can have. It’s only Dad who can make my birthday worth something. And well, he’s away. It’s..kind of my fault. When you spin a cocoon around you, expecting is worthless. This was the first birthday I actually was looking forward to, to test all the friendships I had made and the things I had done. And it all got smashed onto my face. My best dress got ripped, I lost a book… I don’t even wanna get into the story of me in the bus and all that time I was in the lecture theatre. Let’s move on. Come on Well, at night while scribbling on my journal I wrote like a 100-year-old lady. Telling myself that it’s about time we move on from the childish rituals. On my 17th birthday all my family and kids came together and we had such a big blast and I was uncomfortable the whole time and now when everyone forgot I sat in one corner of the bus taking deep breaths. Oh we humans can never be satisfied. But like I said before, being alone in something different and to be deliberately left out is a whole new thing. Knowing you have a friend nearby but still you will have to face the crowd alone..it..stings But then. One person I am not even a bit close, not a bit, nothing more than a happy-go-lucky friend gave a surprise about two days later. Said she was sorry about forgetting the day and she and Bubbly (my friend and room-mate) brought a cake and she herself made a big bowl of pasta for me and they had all sorts of balloons (as if I am like a two-year old =D, but you get the gesture, and it was cute) and… it was great. Really. Awesome.. My voice was stuck in my throat and suddenly I felt I was back in Sharjah and dad was decorating the room and Mom was cooking and my friends were filling in.. It was not the cake nor the balloons. Nor was it Bubbly screaming HAPPY BIRTHDAY, nor was my dude Alfa eating pasta with a guilty face. Amidst all those feelings, amidst all that I know that I am going to be alone forever, It was that sitting together and that laughter that made me smile. That’s gonna be there in my heart forever. It was that song that was played five minutes before 30th November ended. It is all this that stops me from giving up altogether and fight for my faltering heartbeats.. because there are times for me, you know, when living just stops to matter.. happy-birthday-cake

Sane Insanity

There are a few things about yourself you are so sure of. Might be many for a lot of people. The thing I know about myself is (hang on, I am gonna brag through the whole thing) that I am probably the loveliest person alive =P With a heart like no other =D

Just kidding. People who know me, or even read my blog once in a while, know I am a creature of extreme emotions. And you know that time when you find out that a friend you like very much, probably love like anything, loves you back, and is as afraid of losing you as you are of losing her?

It makes my heart beat stronger. And the light in it grow brighter

Because, you know what. My absence has never counted much. Like no matter how much I give; my time, my love, my sincerity, care, laughter… It never remains. Maybe it’s part of my personality.

Sad, no?

Oh enough of the old damsel in distress. When a drop of happiness lays itself in me. My soul explodes. I multiply it a thousand times and spread it all around. I have to. It’s my nature. I cannot smile alone. Then, as last night I lay smiling sadly on the sofa, my mind was buzzing with emotions and memories of all kinds. I think its time to accept things. Like the end of fate. Like the truth of solitude. Let’s embrace happiness in it’s most innocent form. A friend telling a friend that.. don’t leave.. things won’t ever be the same without you. Gosh my ears never heard these words before. No matter how much I yearned for them. No matter how much I deserved them.

One word of love and I keep it with me forever, I cherish it, I tend it, I keep it alive in my heart forever. All it takes is one word of true and pure love to have me in your debt forever

I am insane yes, but you will never get anything more sane out of me. Not more than this ey =P

So, hey, I am going to bed. Because I pretty much have nothing to do except stare at moi books as if I am gonna know stuff telepathically. This post stinks anyways

Ciao Ciao !

Haibar

 

Hell

Severe apologies for the last post.Ill constructed load of crap. I don’t know what happens to me at times and now a days all I do is bottle anger and irritation inside. Not a great excuse but

Hell

So today I am free! Four weeks of non stop papers I am so finally free! And now I can sit and complete my practical manuals and pack my bag because hey! I am going home tomorrow!

Gosh I miss blogging

And I hate not having a second to read what my favourite people in the world have to write!

And I miss mom and uncles and the scent of wood-fire back home.

Plus I am running short of money =P

You know, sometimes stuff just seems to end. All your happiness and content seems to run stale. I can’t say about others but for me every second of my life tells me something. I learn in every breath I take and every move I make.. (Did I just quote a song?) Maybe I don’t see much. Don’t see stuff Lord wants me to see but still sometimes things are so much to absorb that I just wanna lay down on my mattress and just let it sink in so hard and so deep. Again I am talking about stuff everyone says is balderdash and totally alien. Hell. It’s not. I just say in that crooked and mosaic manner.

I am crazy, but then who isn’t?

So what else can I write before my time runs out… hmmm

Yeah. I’ve become strangely.. independent. I run around the whole world as if my own. Jee. It scares me at times but I have always always wanted this aye!

Becoming a doctor… I have come across a great degree of selfishness in colleagues around me. But hell, every second person now a days is dripping with self indulgence. I mean it really irritates me that if you become selfish on who gets to have this first who gets to have that first, hurting people so freely and unknowingly.. how the hell will you try cure or treat people? I mean if it’s for sheer money then go ahead… dissect their kidneys out and sell them..

I naturally run from people who irritate me now. I have enough papers and subjects and Professors and stuff to knock the hell out of me

Well. I have nothing more to say but stare at the girl who just entered the lab. She’s wearing bright green and it’s stinging my eyes.

A Minor Bird

I have wished a bird would fly away,
And not sing by my house all day;

Have clapped my hands at him from the door
When it seemed as if I could bear no more.

The fault must partly have been in me.
The bird was not to blame for his key.

And of course there must be something wrong
In wanting to silence any song.

Robert Frost