Born alone die alone.. classic human tragedy

Have to type down the thoughts before the winds blow the composition away. Before the head drops down and the heart beat falters. Before the words fail me and the fate disappoints me. Gotta write it down, gotta pen it away.

When I am satisfied and content, my heart soars into the skies and brushes past the clouds. You know that.. that expression of relief and happiness when I leave whatever I am doing to help someone understand the attachment of sartorius (a muscle) ? I mean just that expression makes me fly. I just love that feeling that because of me someone’s work got done someone was happy… it just makes me go wild. Literally. AYE

You know… why I do it? No matter how hard it is for me to get up and go out and help a friend out in her work.. I try my level best to help her.. because I know the feeling of being stranded alone. I know how do you feel when you ask someone to help you and all you get is a refusal masked in poor consolation. I know what it feels like to be turned down again and again. So I try not to it myself. I know it feels.

With ten girls eating my head in an anatomy group demo I can just go on and say a few words and sit in a corner and study myself. I can go and make my own sandwich I can go mix myself a cup of tea… Some might say I help because It’s for my revision. Some might say maybe I want my dishes to be washed. Some others might say something else to disguise my persona as one of them

I am not One of you

I search people. I do. I can feel energies all around me. But only a few compel me to lift my head up and actually look in that direction. I have a lot of friends, people with good humour always do. But its different.. strange how never in my life I have found anyone who would leave a comfy warm bed for me. Who would bust a night’s sleep because you’re afraid of stuff that doesn’t exist… Not even one mate not even one friend…

Mom? Dad? They love me, come one there is no point of bringing them into my cynical and optimistic mosaic monologue lol

Maybe that is what makes me happy. That I am someone you are NOT! I hate things liked by everyone I love things nobody notices I am tall I talk funny (most of the at times) it all separates me and boy, I was brought up this way! And aye, I am glad. If I had never been through what I went through.. who knows what I would’ve become

I am not asking for a return. I am a believer. And when you are a believer…

 

Answers come easy =)

 

Second Sub-stage and related disasters

Hey guys and grandpas! Blogging after two months! How totally weird is that?

I know..

How weird…?

SO WEIRD

So I survived my second anatomy sub stage which was a total SCENE! Then I passed my biochemistry, first test of the internal assessments. I just gave my physiology test and I have a histology viva on monday and I stink

Big time

I really want to relate my second substage because I am possibly not going to forget it in near future. What is written on my face? Girls and grandmas why don’t ya tell me? Why don’t teachers leave me! Everyone had a viva of maximum 5 minutes and on the minimum level my viva was of 15 minutes, that too of biochemistry, in that narrow box of a room. !!!

Second substage was a disaster. The teacher sucked my blood in front of the whole museum and every single boy and girl was watching k iskey saath ho kia raha he! (what’s happening with her!) she just started asking and just won’t end! Tibia fibula posterior thigh gluteal region front of leg back of leg lateral compartment CUTANEOUS NERVE SUPPLY

And when I saw the marks.. she just passed me and I couldn’t stop crying as I talked ter mom I felt like burning the entire institution or just dissecting someone with my bare hands!! I ANSWERED EVERY DAMN QUESTION EVEN THE ONE OUTSIDE THE SYLLABUS WAS IT SO BIG A FAULT THAT I FORGOT THE SUPRAPATELLAR BURSA!!! AYE AYE AYE??

Lol and the biochem terror: don’t ask

And the physio drama: Don’t dare

I have amazing roomies. And I have met amazing people. I love my friend Bubbly =D and oh I hate my you Anne aka my bestie.

I wrote a lot of stories. A whole bunch of passages. I have a lot to say yet I just wanna stare the screen and read all I have missed.

You know.. one great thing I have learned.. give a person time to understand you. There is no such thing as first impression. Let him or her know you and exhibit her his true self. Let yourself understand the person. I have done this, and as a result I have known stuff I have never known.

And I love the big city! I love the clear skies and tall buildings. I love being alone in this crowd. I love talking with every friend as my very own. I love looking at my phone and hearing the trring as I see that I’ve got mail. I love how my heart fills with light as I think of all this. I am ordinary in college as it’s all the science I can never master. Something  I might never be extraordinary in. But this feeling that aye! I am different makes me lift my head up and walk past everyone..

You know.. In a class of 330.. I haven’t found one person yet, one person; a writer a blogger an artist.. I always wanted to find ONE such friend when I go to college. One (or more) person I can just CLICK to.. I am still searching you know.. Just never give up aye! One more thing I have now learned to my core…

So what now? I am going back tomorrow. Will be back after a while now, I lead a real tough life now. We are always moaning about one thing or the other. But I’ve always loved all these challenges.. maybe that is how I survive. Because Allah helps me out every time.. Sometimes I think I am slipping away entirely.. but then a blow comes and a few tears leak. But that is how its balanced. That’s how we call it reality

I don’t know what mosaic work I just posted. Blah. But you grandmas and grandpas know what a crazy person I am.

OH yes you do.

Love

Dr. Haibar =D

First sub stage !!!

Guys and girls and grandpas! Medicine is fun!

Even for hopeless cases like me. Ahem. No one else is entitled to say that arright…

So let me relate the day of my first sub stage at my college. Now wait a sec, what is all this sub stage crap?

Oh its a darn big viva. Anatomy. Three sub stages and then a stage on each part of the body. We choose a portion (we don’t, the Professors do) cram all we can about it. Dissect cadavers aka dead bodies. Peel and cut and do nasty things. Pick up bones and start extracting the souls outta them. Cry the whole night before the sub stage because it has been moved from 24th to 22nd. Curse the acting Head of Anatomy department. Ask Allah for a kind examiner to ask us questions. Make all your friends who are not in Medicine crazy because THIS IS YOUR FIRST SUB STAGE

Then the day came.

I dressed in brown.. the colour I am most attuned to. Blurted best of luck to my mates, esp my room mate who had burned my ears whining about her prep. Got in the bus. Went into the college, searched my roll number and the designated Doctor. Roll number was called. I went in. Answered to who was perhaps the most polite teacher in the world. And took my report card back. And screamed when I saw it because OLA! I HAD PASSED!

Came out, faced a bunch of girls and guys who said KIA HUA?? (what happened?) I said Mut pucho mera damag hil gaya he.. but pass ho gai! (don’t ask my brain’s gone tweet.. but I passed!) and they all gulped as I shuffled off, taking my cell out and texting my friend. Boy I had rotten his ears for a long time. My room mate passed with distinction, and we had damn fun calling her Dr. Theta all day long.

Then I called my mom and as I was doing so my best friend came from the DH (Dissection Hall) calling home. We both blurted KIA HUA? And both said PASS! and then said Kitney number? (marks?) and both screamed 27!!! 

Boy that has to go in my golden memories list with her

And one other being the time we played That Awkward Moment in Embryology.

Story coming up soon!

Oh girl, you’re mine

 

 

 

Oh how my fingers have been itching to slide back and forth the keyboard and how my ears have yearned to hear  the clip clop of the buttons pressed, my thoughts filling a flat screen in front of me! Oh how have I missed all of this!

Winter vacations. Back home. Passed my sub stage, How cool is that?

My brain is filled will all sorts of stories from hostel. All sorts of incidents that have been taking place. Everything I have learned. Am learning. I will post separate posts on each of them. My nerdy room mates. Mates from my best friend’s awesome group. My room. Her room. Bus. Store. Late night burger deliveries. Coffee party. Dissection Halls. Lecture theatres. Anatomy. Biochemistry. Physiology. Practicals. Tutorials. The seniors. The caretakers. The devilish doctors. Boys lol. PBL (Problem based learning) etc

Last time I was not sure how I felt. Not sure about what I was in. What was happening. Now I am cool. Words are well defined and stories are well exaggerated in moi brain. If Lord helps me.. Its gonna be fun!

Gee. But..um.. is there anyone left to read me anymore? I don’t think so.. people make other friends. Places are occupied. I myself have been replaced a dozen times

Never mind. Never mind

But I missed you all =)

 

 

(Title: Last song sung in my room while packing, ahem)

Realization. Realization

There is a world to talk about. There are emotions and words cropped in me. But I go my way as always, mosaic and uncertain. Balderdash. All balderdash

I have so truly recognized the two halves in me that make a whole I am grateful and fortunate to be. There is a deep and pathetically emotional part that can pull me and slam me to the walls of my own existence any time it wants. And there is that fairly practical part, that can make me suffer through anything without any single thought bringing me down. But these halves are of a same whole and live so. Live together. Live in harmony and such delicate balance that I myself am astonished. Amazed. Gratified

Why am I writing this? My heart is heavy. Yes. Because I am wishing so truly and harshly that I should’ve covered my tracks. Lord I could’ve covered my tracks. The bad spells don’t leave me. They follow every world I tend to inhabit. Tend to live in. And fill me with the hatred and venom I clean myself of every night. I wish I would’ve vanished and never would’ve come back. Even looked this way. Maybe then I would’ve been alone and happy in the little world of mine. My curse will flow. And Lord I try so hard to keep myself from being the very person I left behind. What went. died then and there. But the dead have ghosts about them and they won’t leave until I die myself

But it aint that easy. The soul and body and the heart I posses are far too strong than I ever anticipated. Few nights ago I was sipping tea and walking in my hostel lane thinking that there are people in great conditions, people studying in KE (The best med college here and perhaps in the world) the great professors who have gone through so much before us and might still be in some dilemma but can they ever have the perceptions I have? I look at them, showing us slides of upper and lower limbs. I see them teaching me blood and brain. They know too much. But do they know what I have known, the way I squeeze a girl because she misses her Dad and Mom, telling her it’s ok… it’s ok. No. The people in KE, people in my college. No, they cannot see the world from my eyes. I don’t want them to. They will never. They can’t

I remember people telling me what love is. I remember people loving me. I remember them saying all those words I dared never believe. They sting me now because the repetition of those words once made me believe that life is real. I was lucky. My love was paid back… Lies. Such brutal lies. But that’s gone. I have cut the final strings. But they have made homes in the very territory that brought me back to life, There still was a last hope that somewhere deep my silence must have sufficed. It dint. And I no longer care

I only understand care and love when the pain… it penetrates. If it doesn’t – I move on. It still does…. I realized that there are consequences of losing someone. Either you never cared. Either you never realized. Either you thought someone won’t ever leave. (so on and so forth)

Lord it sounds dramatic

p.s College is awesome. Hostel stinks but It’s ok, I like being alone. And I am alone in the sense that is most fashionable and highly recommended.

Alone in a crowd

The one laughing at my jokes =D

Some people hear their own inner voices with great clearness. And they live by what they hear. Such people become crazy… or they become legend

Oh Lord, I can finally feel it. The orchestra brought it out in me. I wanna cover my face and smile into them. I can feel the bubble forming in my heart, Golden but reflecting all the colours I ever possessed. Oh I feel it. The happiness covering from head to toe. That smile forming on my face. That light sparkling my eyes.

There is so much love in my heart that I can let it flow out into the world around me. Happiness makes me what I am, It is the extreme emotions that lift me up so high. I can feel the warmth stretching out from my heart, reaching my fingers and toes. Oh all the emotions hiding in me all these days are making my cheeks pink

Me myself am the reason of my happiness. That makes all the difference. Love actually is around us. It’s just the light in the heart and the sparkle in the eyes. World is all what we see. And I see it so beautiful

I see it, right here.

(Title: Quote by Jim Harrison)

Thoughts and a Song

Wednesday. 23rd. Gulp. Two days to the interview… perhaps to my departure. Perhaps is the keyword here aye. So hold your glee =P

Grew up in a small town
And when the rain would fall down
I’d just stare out my window
Dreaming of what could be
And if I’d end up happy
I would pray (I would pray)
 

I have taken five to six books out from my library to take with me. Nothing in particular but I did put the Book of Awesome. Just to cheer me up occasionally. It’s a great book. Makes me laugh. Jee, it’s gonna be strange for me. I have lived, as yet, in six homes. My family is my home you know. In Abu Dubai (where I was born), in Dubai, In Alain, bred mostly in Sharjah then back to my own country first the village then the city. Now back to village. And now to a whole new city, thrice the size of my town and four times as crowded. And away from home for the first time. Home meaning family. It’s a new life, as my friend puts it, we take a fresh start now

Trying hard to reach out
But when I tried to speak out
Felt like no one could hear me
Wanted to belong here
But something felt so wrong here
So I prayed I could break away
 

I mean. Yes.. It’s. There, a new life.I am not breaking away from here am I? .I am very bad at cutting off. Cutting the strings have been the hardest things ever to me. I can pretend; I can brain wash myself. Give myself justifications. But never I can I give up. There is that voice in my brain. There is that echo in my room. There are those walls and doors. There is that solitude. That darkness. Those smiles. Those tears. They break me up, tear me down. But then give me a hand to build a strong soul. Penetrate stuff you cannot imagine knowing. But I know how to block them all. Lord I sometimes hate the control I have over myself.. My brain helps me in every crazy thing I want to do. Or want to shun myself doing it forever. But there is so much these eyes won’t be able to see. Oh Lord.. how the clock ticks away..

Wanna feel the warm breeze
Sleep under a palm tree
Feel the rush of the ocean
Get onboard a fast train
Travel on a jet plane, far away (I will)
And breakaway
 

Run away, Run away. Been doing that my whole life. That is why now when I confront stuff it alters me in a way that cannot be undone. I have done so many crazy things in my childhood and teens. Now I turn into an adult at such a right time. Wow. Such perfect timing Allah… you must have a whole separate directory on me. And well, everyone =P

Buildings with a hundred floors
Swinging around revolving doors
Maybe I don’t know where they’ll take me but
Gotta keep moving on, moving on
Fly away, breakaway
 

One of the many things I like about me. I can joke in every situation. No matter how much my heart bleeds. Its ok. This is life. I had my share of love and joy. One great part is over. One greater awaits. But these are crossroads. People I met here, met me at the crossroads. They don’t know what I was like before. They will not know what I am going to be. If they want to travel with me, aye I am a great companion. If you wanna leave me here. Farewell, if we meet again, there will be a smile and a handshake. Like the one I give you now =)

Btw, Here’s my card =D

I’ll spread my wings
And I’ll learn how to fly
Though it’s not easy to tell you goodbye
I gotta take a risk
Take a chance
Make a change
And breakaway
Out of the darkness and into the sun
But I won’t forget the place I come from
I gotta take a risk
Take a chance
Make a change
And breakaway, breakaway, breakaway

Gotta post while I can post

Gotta say till I can say, gotta yell when I can still  talk =P So.. I am sitting down and finally posting this. This is the 20th post and I am still not satisfied. Hmm. So.. Yes. It happened.

I got into a Government Medical college.

First try. And I never really studied

Believe me.. I wanted to get into a college but deep down I never really worked. But see! God helped me out!

I found out a few days ago, now we are shopping and gathering documents and turning my insides out for this bird to finally leave her nest. This is.. so strange and nervous and and.. ok.. exciting for me I am not going to put all the tales I had cooked in my brain or the 21st post will go down the drain too.

It’s going to be so tough for me. I have never studied under a Government Institution and I pretty much am spoiled.. A minimalist yes but.. at least the few things I like are comfy and well.. necessary..What if I don’t get a room in the college hostel? What if the place is absolutely dreary? What if my best friend gets a room and I don’t.. Hang on, did I forget mentioning? We both got into the same college. A miracle or WHAT?

Well. I cannot bring myself write something serious, I am way too vacant for that. Yeah, mild happiness does that to me. The fears tarnish the true intensity. Just.. I don’t think I might be able to blog… Once a month twice maybe.. I’ll try from my cell.. But I don’t really think so.. Lord.. this means I will have to buy another diary for me..

So. This is it. Now everyday till 25th I will try post stuff I am doing, before I move to another city, embrace a whole new life. People. Stuff.. stufff..stuff. Jee I’m going to miss WordPress. This place gave me life when I was thrown on the sidewalk by people I loved the most, two toned suckers.. not important anymore. Jee I’m such a great liar. But then I have the excuse everyone gave me =D “If I never used those words you wouldn’t have left following me, but there will always remain a place for you in my life’.. pure bullshit…such golden bullshit =D

I’ll miss you all my WP mateys. But I don’t leave as yet, Or maybe.. never! But keeping the assumption in mind that I am leaving soon… Let’s cherish the days left. I honour everyone I met here. I made great friends and not even ONE foe. Quite an accomplishment right?

HIGH FIVE! Aye!

It’s just one of those feelings I have..

I cannot put emotions into words until I don’t feel them, I cannot smile when the happiness is shallow, tears don’t fall unless pain penetrates and the turmoil doesn’t shred till the soul is bared… ah.. not till the soul is bared

You see me now, dressed in purple and black. Two very conflicting colours with different essence clad on a body attuned to only one colour. How I wish I could wear something rich brown, just to ease the tension. Let the vibrations out and in suitably. Let me really feel what I am feeling. Just let me feel what is mine..

I am lapsing into the state of nothingness, and no feelings penetrate as I sit in bright sun, the warmth should reach my heart but no it is only burning my back. My hands are on fire. And I see the colours conflicting on my lap. Purple, black, golden.

My nerves stretch taut as I sit. Sit and feel nothing. This is not me. This cannot be me. Is there too much happiness? Is there too much tension? Is the nervousness tearing me apart?

How long can I sit, thinking on this state of mine, I do not know. There is wind. There is company. I want to whisper so she carries my voice away to someone who can hear it. Who can respond back. I want to blow away with the northern winds. I want to see where they can take me. How far can they take me.. How long till they disappear and I am lost..in sands, in water.. I don’t know..

I am just a normal person. My thoughts maybe a little out of the ordinary. But that is the 1% of my DNA separating me from the common 99 we all share.

Just these thoughts, nothing else =)

A question that sometimes drives me hazy: am I or are the others crazy?”

There is a lot I want to write. And it is not everyday I get such a surge. I watched Kiki’s delivery service. The huge studio Ghibli and anime fan I am… But sometimes these thoughts kick in and engulf me entirely. I feel as if the vibrations have found, finally found a openeing in me to enter. As if somewhere, in my mind, something has finally clicked. The pieces of the jigsaw getting together. Finally. I can feel the energy pushing its way through my veins outrunning blood. It has been a long time this has happened. It has been a long time I felt myself. The person I understand. The one, undivided, complete persona. Yes this is me

Yes, this is me. swimming in the sea of pain and sadness. Flying with the wild geese. This is me. Silent. So quiet. Letting the colours find me. Letting the wind talk. Hearing her truly today. This is me. Born alone. The person who is destined to remain so. And I am making decisions. This is the right time. I have the right energy.
I will find what I am destined to. I will find my own inspiration. I should say I am lost, I think I am losing it. BUT HELL NO. NO!! I am on my way to find it. I will find it! They say destiny and miracles reach you when they have to. Yes. Yes I am a believer. But things depend on how we accept things! How our eyes view and our minds interpret. God my hand never flew so smoothly across this keyboard. It has been months. Months. Months..

What talent do I yet have? Apart from the stuff I *think* I do, I can write. And what am I trying to do all this time? Master as many forms of prose and poetry as I can. Am I serious about it? Was not.. until now!

So what if I am plunging into a life that is gonna throw me as far away from all this as it can. I have lost so much. I might get so much. I dunno. But now I have that feeling. That energy to promise myself that I will not let my dreams die. I will listen to my heart! And bless my brain… It accompanies me in every crazy thing I want to do

And I am going to do stuff so crazier. And even if I might not get it all.. I am not going down.. why? I never ask more. Give me just a little bit. And I will get over it…

(Title: Quote by Einstein)