“Those who hate most fervently must have once loved deeply; those who want to deny the world must have once embraced what they now set on fire”

How do you tell someone that you hate them? Look them straight in the eye and blurt out that you despise their very existence? How do you say, that their pettiness bores you, that their presence brings you no charm, nothing at all. That it is worse that being numb, worse than being paralyzed..worse than being in a coma itself.

You sleep on it, you pack your bags and go on a trip. You cut all modes of communication. Anything that would change how you feel. You meditate. You learn about spirit and you learn about life, you cleanse your body and soul and just as you return from that godforsaken journey..a blow smashes into your gut and makes you double. Nothing has changed. You feel exactly the same, those faces provoke the same exact feelings, those exact feelings of disgust, anger and loathing. Them you loved for so long have a such a distorted image now, you don’t see them anymore.  A despicable numbness spreads all over your body and you run out, gasping for air

 

What do you do, ey? What do you do now?

 

(Title: Quote by Kurt Tucholsky )

Some things are just not good for you, but are great for others

Anti social Fb crap

Social networks are great. Movie Theaters are great. Expensive restaurants are great. Less expensiveones are awesome. Going to them with friends is great. Making lots of friends is great. Talking is great. People and what they do is just..great

But I hate all of this and all of them. I despise it all. It makes the very gut of mine twist and turn and go purple.

We have this page on fb, that says “Humans of —(my college)” and all I see is pictures and quotes of bunch of *famous* people from our college and everyone acting as if they give a shit. I mean they are famous already now we have a page to celebrate them. Now I remember why I left fb. I don’t hate them, per say..but there is a limit to all the crap and pretending and lying we do everyday. Get real for once and get a life (it’s rich, coming from me)

I joined goodreads recently. And I don’t fancy it..much. It’s a social network of sorts and it’s great I agree. But everyone’s talking on it and I dunno, I feel like lost in a traffic with cars honking around me and I am standing amidst the clamour with no idea where to exit. Maybe we don’t like to know if a lot of people out there are better than us and are doing great or are just..there, maybe it’s just me. I value reading a lot. Books are all I had and have. My parents kept me away from people my entire life on strict purpose. My mom has this theory that children who take a lot of interest in affairs of elders end up as dumb, worthless, no-good boneheads.

And she has a lot of evidence to back it up

All my anti-social behaviour is credited to her and of-course my Dad.

And my sister

And my grandpa

And Thomas Hardy

It’s a lot of things that make us who we are. The childhood, the upbringing, the mommy daddy issues, our very nature, the experiences, the lack of experiences. We are not all bad. No matter how much people vex me, they all have wars of their own to fight. I respect that. And I esp respect the people who don’t pretend around me. If they don’t like me they don’t bother and in return I don’t help them out during the exam session

Na. I do…

I don’t blame them if they give me glares or act as if I’m invisible. It’s rude but who cares. I am weird too. I usually stick my tongue out at total strangers and glare at any guy who dares to step in one mile radius

Crazy is the new normal, ey =)

Im-not-Anti-Social

 

I been a long time leaving but I’m going to be a long time gone

Billy’s leaving today (don’t know where he’s going).
Holds his head in disgrace (he can’t escape the truth).
He knows the price that he’s paid.
He admits that it’s too late to admit that he’s afraid.

Alright. It’s 6:30 am here. And I am all packed. There are all kinds of feelings and thoughts mingling with the sleep that’s heavily laid on my eyes. Arms hurt. Stomach’s in discomfort. It’s there. Life as I know it

Tomorrow comes. Sorrow becomes his soul mate.
The damage is done. The prodigal son is too late.
Old doors are closed but he’s always open,
To relive time in his mind.
Oh Billy…

It is silly how I can face anything if I block my emotions, overcome anything my giving myself justifications. The mind, oh later questions, the heart, it does accelerate, but see me here now. In this same room with the same maroon chair and chocolate-brown furniture. See me here in this room oddly vacant. See my mom silent. See me now. Making jokes to make her smile. I haven’t looked in the mirror, and I know you don’t see me.

Billy’s leaving today (don’t know where he’s going).
He’s got lines on his face (they tell the story of his pain).
He accepts it’s his fate.
He admits it took too long to admit that he was wrong.

Was it too hard to love me? Or equally too easy to hate me? Look, I am leaving now, away you see. I will take  no more time nor space in my mind to think about you all. Look, was I too bad to be abused? too wretched to be smashed any moment perceived? Still. I forgot to cover my tracks, and the monsters follow me in every world I take up, every star that shines on me, tainting every innocent smile of mine, and increasing every pain that finds its way

Tomorrow comes. Sorrow becomes his soul mate.
The damage is done. The prodigal son is too late.
Old doors are closed but he’s always open,
To relive time in his mind.
Oh Billy.

I leave all these questions here, trying just as I left them here ages ago. It’s such a cold weather. There is fog out there, I hear. One of the smells I love. I am breaking away again. Because its easy now. My fingers are freezing, and I am scared deep down some place where I cannot figure myself out, never have;soon might.

Once he was a lover sleeping with another.
Now he’s just known as a cheat.
And he wish he’d had a mirror; looked a little clearer.
Seen into the eyes of the weak.

There is no use, aye. No use of saying anything. Because I have loved, I have lived, I have hated, I hate, and if people won’t stop hurting.. I won’t stop hating, I don’t care if it makes me a hypocrite, I am past the stages of resonated and so painful silence. My life hasn’t ended on such few suckers as yet btw. If a dog won’t stop barking.. aye I won’t stop roaring.. I have used this analogy the second time yet I am unaware of any scarp of meaning to it. Balderdash.

Tomorrow comes. Sorrow becomes his soul mate.
The damage is done. The prodigal son is too late.
Old doors are closed but he’s always open,
To relive time in his mind.
Oh Billy.

Bye guys! I leave at 8 o’clock here. I packed such few stuff (?!) and I yet have my room to confirm. I’ll miss WP, might be back in a week due to a few holidays, it was an honour meeting you all and there is respect in my heart that nothing can tamper, pray fer me! SO LONG

Haibar

P.s. Happy new year to all Muslims!

(Title: Quote by Willie Nelson)

(Song: Oh, Billy by James Blunt)