Que sera sera..

hair in air

Sometimes I feel I am way too old to be whining about friends. The moment I start my brain back-flips as the same thoughts hit me and it feels so tiring to go round and round the same circle. I literally feel a bolus of vomit stuck in my gut and one in my head. Just wanting..out

Same exact people, acting in the same juvenile fashion. If I stay with them, I feel nauseated. If they ignore me, I feel angry and left out; when I am with them, I simply cannot wait to get away. And the cycle goes on and on until my brain starts to hurt and I give up. And I crash. And then something happens, and I am back on the same road.

And as far as I remember, this is exactly how things have been with every friend I have ever been with. I like them, then I hate them, then I like them. Sometimes all of their faces blend together when I look back. My personality brings out the exact same pattern in their behaviour. They are always there but they can’t never really get to know me. And why the hell would they try? Anne stuck around, she is like..my soul sister. But I went through hell to get to a point where her presence or absence doesn’t hurt me. She stays, I am happy (so happy), she leaves, I barely look. It’s comfortable between us. Because, comfortable distance always works for me. And it also has to do with the fact that she has the most tolerable and amazing personality. Ever heard, nay dreamed, of that breathtaking beauty, those cool brilliant brains and that gentle understanding soul in one person? Well that’s her.

My only concern is the strangulating effect of these interactions. I don’t want to be crippled by my own emotions. I don’t want my decisions to be dictated by how I feel about a particular matter. I call these my *out-of-body experiences*, when I look at a person as a whole. Not how they affect me, but how they actually are.

It’s a pretty nice feeling, actually. But to get to a point where one day their existence will have no affect on me in entire sense of the word, I have yet a very, very long and tortuous path to walk.

Till then. Que sera sera..

queserasera

Que sera sera (what will be, will be)

All that is gold does not glitter, Not all those who wander are lost;

All that is gold does not glitter,
Not all those who wander are lost;
The old that is strong does not wither,
Deep roots are not reached by the frost.

From the ashes a fire shall be woken,
A light from the shadows shall spring;
Renewed shall be blade that was broken,
The crownless again shall be king

Oh we all have that mopey part in us at one or more point in our life questioning our existence and belonging and blah blah blah blah blah. It’s really neat, I wish my cousin had the same quest in him, that kid just ate all my french fries without so much as a how-do-you-do and questioned me for 15 minutes about the composition and mechanism of production of fart.

So I question myself. Where are my roots? I was born somewhere else, bred somewhere else, studied at one place and then the other, my house is in another area I live somewhere else and then college started and off I flew. Exciting, no?

Now what?

So I choose to study and work in another country now. Scary, right? So that is my quest now. Whether I lose or get there is another story. So from here on-wards, this is what this blog is about, because that is what my life is gonna be about.

Having a purpose to live is a neat thing. And I have missed it

Cheers!

Flying dog, Happy

 

(Title and Stanza:  J.R.R. Tolkien The Fellowship of the Ring )

Better left unsaid, better left unfelt

up in the air

I spent an hour writing..everything. Pouring my anger into my laptop and editing it and constructing all those sentences and blah blah blah blah and a second before I was going to hit send.. I just stopped. Not today. Not now.

Have you ever felt so consumed with anger and hatred and total helplessness that your hands tremble and your eyes blur? The bad part is..that like before..it doesn’t pass ! It stays ! Boring deep into you and threatening to reach the core and blast you to pieces, or it stays like a burning ulcer which you know will remain for a long time

And the night comes and you sleep, and when you wake up in the morning..it’s still not gone. That taste of venom and acid is still in your mouth..

It’s a first for me. The other day my friend said that my anger lasted twenty minutes, that when I wake up, I forget the very name of the person I had a quarrel with. And it is true. But this morning when I woke up, it didn’t feel that way. I wanted to hurt and claw at someone. Just so the fire would go. But it stayed, the entire morning, the entire noon and part of the evening

And then I saw the face of the person I was angry at. And then I saw that face for good ten minutes in my head..and suddenly it all went away. The burn, the fire. It just isn’t worth it. Normally I give up at these things because I do not have the stamina nor the time to hold grudges or fight with people anymore. But this time I let a thing go because I had lost all the feelings of friendship I ever had, all the concern from my heart. Why do we feel hurt? Because we care. Indifference is the worse form of hatred for me. I’d rather fight all day with a friend than feel nothing at all. And how sad it is ! But we all have it coming to us. There is a limit to which a person can be pushed. Once, twice, thrice..so many times

And now as I read again the thing I was going to post earlier, I burst out laughing. Oh come on ! Grow up! Life’s too short to waste on people who don’t matter and things that don’t count ! We all know that yet we insist on indulging in all the crap in the world. *groan*

I have a research paper to write, a room to clean, a mother to call, a friend to bark on, a book to read, a party to attend and a big exam to prepare for.

Backstabbers don’t get a share in my life for today

And as for tomorrow..

Oye vey..

flying with happiness

Breaking Points

 PS_0357W_WEIRDER

It’s funny what things we learn every second day. And how bold we become when we’ve got nothing to lose, how crass when we just don’t care, so absolutely brave when we accept the facts and how…utterly light when we are done facing the reality and moving on

I’ve found a new way of pushing people to their absolute edge. That is: Showing them the weird part of my brain. That absolute craziness I hide when I care, when I am afraid that I’ll end up screwing things up. But take that part away, and you’ve found utter and absolute …madness

Because…once you’re past a moment in your life..you’re done. Gone. Over. Once you accept the actual thing. Accept what you really are and cast aside the petty notions of what you wanted to become, those images you tried to mirror, those standards you tried to live up to, those illusions you had shrouded yourself in..world is a whole different place. I am not saying quit trying to be better or to be achieve something..all I am saying is I’d rather be a psycho with fifteen sneakers in my closet than a washed up imitation of a pompous know it all.

That got a little bit out of hand there.. =P

And if I get that response, that true reaction when the other person, instead of running away to the other direction when I blurt the glaring truth, stays and bares those completely idiotic moments of their life, comfortable because..hell, they’re talking to someone way screwed up…the entire moment turns into such a fun memory they’ll remember for years. No judgement, no, nothing. The air is suddenly lighter and the blanket a little bit warmer

And when I find those who live in their sane worlds with their normal lives and believe they can make it with me…

Loosen up or run..

You’ve been warned =P

kid chocolate smeared

The Journey Within

sitting by the road

I am not walking, I am just sitting by the side and gazing far ahead. All I see is..this road. This beautiful road. Flattened by the pressure of so many who have walked across it. Day in and day out. Forward or backwards. Carrying all the weight of their worlds on their shoulders. Such a poetic path. Such an elegant lane. It bends every which way, disappears in the dirt sometime, breaks down and mends again. I see it, then I don’t and then it emerges again.

And I see them walking across too, the flesh that shuffles ahead and the soul that quietly follows. The noises in the silence vibrate through the concrete that sits and the dirt that blows. I put my palm lightly over the concrete, wary of the secrets and pain it might hold. But the stubborn hardness reveals nothing while the wind screams away in my head. The questions ring through the ground and the answers blow away.

I wanna step on this road too, walk across the footsteps of so many who came before me, and disappear like they did. Leave my mark on the ground that won’t talk and give my silence to wind that won’t stay

Some other day, some other day =)

I met a girl who sang the blues.. and I asked her for some happy news..she just smiled and turned away

blue flower

For how long can you talk about the same thing, for how long can you pour yourself out? The insides are gonna run dry one day. And if the pain and anger stops feeding you, you will shrivel up. If you are filled with some other thing this time,only happiness and peace, the same puncture holes aren’t big enough now. There will be no breaths to come, or you will no longer be able to so take them in. Either way, it’s pretty much over

Is it over for me? Was it the anger, the pain, the sheer illusions that made me write? Made me breathe? Made me something different from so many I have met or avoid meeting over the years. Have I run dry? Or is it the continued happiness? The peace, the  prolonged absence of that lingering pain? End of the struggle, or mere acceptance of the defeat?

Its, different..different to be standing, standing knee-deep in a small pond of stagnant water after being sea sick on a boat for so long. Yes, the vomiting stops and you feel fine for a while..but after that…it’s just..too silent. Too green, too peaceful..and too still

Man, it’s too still

still pond

 

(Title: American Pie by Don Mclean)

Human

cliff,dark,faith,falling,girl,jump,leap,nature,rain,rock,silhouette,sky,stormy,sunset,woman-46824072d9eed59244faef612910c0c4_m

I did my best to notice
When the call came down the line
Up to the platform of surrender
I was brought, but I was kind

And sometimes I get nervous
When I see an open door
Close your eyes, clear your heart
Cut the cord..

Are we human or are we dancer?
My sign is vital, my hands are cold
And I’m on my knees looking for the answer
Are we human or are we dancer?

Pay my respects to grace and virtue
Send my condolences to good
Give my regards to soul and romance
They always did the best they could

And so long to devotion
You taught me everything I know
Wave goodbye, wish me well
You’ve gotta let me go..

Are we human or are we dancer?
My sign is vital, my hands are cold
And I’m on my knees looking for the answer
Are we human or are we dancer?

Will your system be alright
When you dream of home tonight?
There is no message we’re receiving
Let me know, is your heart still beating?…

Are we human or are we dancer?
My sign is vital, my hands are cold
And I’m on my knees looking for the answer

You’ve gotta let me know
Are we human or are we dancer?
My sign is vital, my hands are cold
And I’m on my knees looking for the answer
Are we human or are we dancer?

Are we human or are we dancer?
Are we human or are we dancer?

The Killers

Again, at the crossroads

teddy blanket

So last night I am all wrapped up in my bed, it’s about 10 o’clock and I am reading a book. Someone passes by my room with a characteristic winter *ttttttttttt* of the teeth and I switch the hand holding my kindle and let the poor thing warm while the other hand take its toll. Man it’s getting cold and all my warm clothes are home. All I have is a lousy sweater and a shawl that I begged my mom to send me via courier. It’s cold here than at home but nah, will my mom listen? Plus I am not gonna visit home till December, so yeah, it’s cold =_=

Next thing I know I am hit by a big bout of cough. Oh right I forgot about it, so I get up and take a big gulp of the cough syrup in my roommate’s drawer and fall back on my bed. Boy Anne has a buckload of medicine. I am not a pill-popping person but I took cough syrup because she is a very light sleeper, just like me and one slight movement at night we both just sit up straight, unless, of course, that night when we both were down with a really bad cough and got high on cough syrup. We slept the entire next day with people banging at our door thinking we were dead. What a fun day =D

So I come back my bed in near the window, wrap myself up again and start reading again. I don’t know how I feel at the moment, I just can’t explain it, It’s like all them feelings creeping up like the warmth from your quilt to the back of your neck, it’s friday. Everyone is with everyone and I am with my book and by God it feels so great. There is one point in your life, that one thing in your life, that one part you know is YOU, it’s yours, it’s who you are and when your life changes , you choose a direction at the crossroads but somewhere far ahead comes a part of that road the air is as warm and the sun is as bright and the ground is as soft as the day you made the decision to change. It’s that point your whole life revolves around, that point you will remember every time you face a change of path. Deja vu. You can’t go back, you don’t want to go back. But that moment you can feel a familiar voice in the back of your head, your own voice lost in the dirt so long ago.

I’ll stick around here a while. Who knows, Someone who chose a different path from that same point crosses this way too. Those who separate at one  crossroads…will always meet at another

Sayonara =)

crossroads

This big heart is such a small organ

Dead leaf

I cannot tell you what it feels like. You know it, deep down and up above. The bittersweet happiness pressing upon your heart and soul. You just feel it. It’s right there. Fluttering beats and the soft light. 

Sit in the corner of a room, illuminated by the dim light of dusk out the window. It’s gonna be dark soon. Sit in that small place between the fridge and the cupboard and hug your legs, pressing them to your chest. Closer to the scared fluttering. You can hear your friends outside, laughing and shouting and you feel that jagged rhythm in your chest again. It’s bitter. The voice of the past. And it’s so soft, the whisper you hear now.

Is it the fear of happiness? Is it the scare of pain again? What is it, pressing on you so lightly, what is it, calling you so softly? 

I cannot tell you, for I may never have them words, But I know you know it

There deep down and so up above. 

Back with a Bubble

 

back-to-college

I am sitting in my room again, my heart all warm and my muscles all sore. Yes it was a bad day for travelling, I went through shit today. All that time in the bus, off to college again, I had one thought roaming around in my head. Will I fit in again? Will people acknowledge me as I walk by? Had anyone, someone, missed me? These sound pathetic but then truth isn’t always heroic and nice. I felt feverish. My heart pounded thickly in my chest. Will I be okay? I don’t feel the same. I am not the same. I don’t know

But now as I rest my back against the window on my thick pillow..I feel a tiny bubble of happiness cushioning my heart. I love Bubbly. She is one of the few people who have touched my soul with their own warmth. These are the people I will do anything for. These are the people I will miss. These are the people who have the ability to wound me.

I went to her room, she got up and hugged me, and I said what I wanted to hear the most, Hey, I missed you, and I felt her hold tighten that millisecond. That millisecond I felt all the beautiful memories in my mind hitting me one by one. God.. I was really in need of a hug. And then we talked. Non stop. For two hours. College, home, politics, siblings, commercials, sports… everything. And now as I sit in my room I wish I could just preserve it all somewhere because oh, this time is gonna pass and some shit will happen to me. You see, that history book on my shelf..is always repeating itself

I also went to meet my favourite best friends.. Kate and Sidney. I like them a lot. But I fear to be a third wheel, the outsider I always am. They always laugh at my jokes and are always there when I need them. They are, without a doubt. my favourite people.

These are just ramblings, folks. My happiness ain’t complete until I spread it around. It’s like a little bird caught in my heart, it was meant to fly =)

So sleep thight. I’ll see you on the other side =P

woman in calm water