I met a girl who sang the blues.. and I asked her for some happy news..she just smiled and turned away

blue flower

For how long can you talk about the same thing, for how long can you pour yourself out? The insides are gonna run dry one day. And if the pain and anger stops feeding you, you will shrivel up. If you are filled with some other thing this time,only happiness and peace, the same puncture holes aren’t big enough now. There will be no breaths to come, or you will no longer be able to so take them in. Either way, it’s pretty much over

Is it over for me? Was it the anger, the pain, the sheer illusions that made me write? Made me breathe? Made me something different from so many I have met or avoid meeting over the years. Have I run dry? Or is it the continued happiness? The peace, the  prolonged absence of that lingering pain? End of the struggle, or mere acceptance of the defeat?

Its, different..different to be standing, standing knee-deep in a small pond of stagnant water after being sea sick on a boat for so long. Yes, the vomiting stops and you feel fine for a while..but after that…it’s just..too silent. Too green, too peaceful..and too still

Man, it’s too still

still pond

 

(Title: American Pie by Don Mclean)

May the man be dammed and grow fat, the one who wears two faces under one hat

Seriously speaking, I am not a resentful person. I might not forget things but if a person talks to me in a good way once after being foul a thousand times, I reciprocate with thrice the politeness. I have changed a lot but I haven’t become a really bad person, as yet. Foul mouthed bitter straightforward wacko…yes.. but not bad. I pray that doesn’t happen (btw)

But people will not fail to amaze me. And once again I bang my head on the wall. My instincts..are always correct. My first decisions and perceptions..are always true. Believe me.. I don’t like to flatter myself but the term always is heavily applicable.

But why do I go wrong time and again?

I give them a chance
….they blow it

Double faced chance

Synapses don’t really change after the 20’s, ey

Cold hands

The cold bit through my fingers as the freezing water slapped over my hands in the morning. You could hear me swear from the ground floor. Boy I was sleepy this morning. As I shoved my toothpaste and brush and soap back to its place I had this weird feeling swoop through me for an instant. Strange.

Went college, had a lousy simple day, everything was off. I couldn’t get a decent history from a patient and had to ask a friend to help me through it and cover for me. I don’t do that. Came back at night. Everything felt off. As if the lights were a little dim, traffic was a little less or bus was a little full. I don’t know

Walking back I just wanted to feel something. A little less numb, a little less bitter, a little more young and a lot more real. Nothing is wrong. Things could not be any better but it felt fake and cowardly. To go along the times just so you can breathe easily and live for a while. I wanted something to penetrate my mind. Come on. Give me an inspiration. Gimme a sign

And lo. It happened. I watched a movie I should’ve seen at least 4 years ago. I would’ve understood it, the sign came way too late and now I just talked myself through it. It’s all okay. Just because life’s gets edgy we don’t have to be the way we become. Sometimes the roads we are made to choose aren’t exactly that great, what we thought was fate might have just been an illusion. Yes, this road is gonna lead somewhere too.. but I so hope it’s worth all the falls.

Because some illusions are

Love. Haibar

Leaf flying

“Man is least himself when he talks in his own person. Give him a mask, and he will tell you the truth.”

walk away on sand

The boy’s gone. The boy’s gone home.

It’s a tree trunk. It’s a cut down tree trunk. It was planted by my grandma, and then two more  grew on its side. Grandma died when I was 9. Few years back they cut one tree that the storm killed. Then they cut another. And now they finally cut the main trunk as the roots were tampering with God knows what.

What will happen to a face in the crowd when it finally gets too crowded.
And will happen to the origins of sound after all the sounds have sounded
Well I hope I never have to see that day but by god I know it’s headed our way
So I better be happy now that the boy’s going home. The boy’s gone home.

And I am sitting on it, the wind is raging around me, ruffling my hair, blowing through me. I have met a lot of winds before this day. I will meet a lot afterwards. But they never stop to amaze me. They never will stop to make me think and think so deep that my feet give way. I can feel her on my face. Hard cold slaps. Once. Twice. And again.

And what becomes of a day for those who rage against it
And who will sum op the phrase for all left standing around in it

I know not the heart I have. I know not of the heart left in me. I do not know when it all started. When my imagination became my reality and when my reality turned virtual. When the solids around me went up in smoke and the air and the winds materialized around me. I do not know when it all started. I do not know what this wind wants from me now

Well I suppose we’ll all make our judgement call
We’ll walk it alone, stand up tall, then march to the fall 
So we better be happy now that we’ll all go home

I am tired. Tired to be the person I am. Tired to change into someone else. Tired to believe in things that don’t exist and feelings that don’t hold. Tired of trusting. God I am so tired of hope itself

Be so happy with the way you are
Be so happy that you made it this far
Go on be happy now. Please be happy now

Tell me what heart do I have? I wish it was big enough to engulf all the misery and anger and pain, make it disappear. Be lost into some pit and be lost forever. All it takes is a gust of wind. A broken tree trunk. And a bad word, to bring everything bubbling to the surface

But it won’t come up again. The thoughts the feelings. The trust and the depth of love. The very hope in some distant savior turned to dust and the very wind that held on to me so long is taking all those feelings away. Maybe it’s time. To stop walking with the figment of your imagination. Stop talking to friends that are not material. Because if being virtual is your truth, then better walk away from the actual. From the solid. Their reality is much perfect without. Without you

I tried to live my life and live it so well
But when it’s all over is it heaven or is it hell
I better be happy now that no one can tell, nobody knows
I’m gonna be happy with the way that I am
I’m gonna be happy with all that I stand for
I’m gonna be happy now because the boy’s going home.

The boy’s gone home.

sparrow and tree
(Lyrics: Jason Mraz’s Boy’s Gone and Title: Oscar Wilde)

 

 

I AM HAPPY AND THERE IS NOTHING YOU CAN DO !!!

Oye

Oh boy am I a great person

oh hell I am great

You got that straight

Nobody gets so hurt all day and when the night comes and her best friend irons her hair and she irritates the hell out of her. You smile, I smile, we all laugh. What more is there to worry about?

You know what. That moment when you look back at yourself and see all you have been doing and you feel absolutely ridiculous, I wanna look back now. Not after ten twenty thirty years, being a shrivelled old lady and sighing as I lay somewhere on some hospital bed with tubes coming out of me and wires going in. Why do I have to be that person who is just so closed from all sides. I know it is not so much in my power, I cannot break my barriers even myself. I cannot even approach them. I can’t. It starts to feel..vulnerable.. naked even.

SO what happened. I was broken like fifty times today. It was a bad day. Everyone I met spit poison. SO I got all senti.. and I tried talking to someone I thought might help me out but.. well.. when one stops caring it all falls apart. Why talk when there are no words to use ey? My heart is as pure as it will be. I love once. I love forever. Or I leave

SO I will open up. I will be better. I will be a better person. I will cut all that tends to pollute my mind and muddle my heart. I will TALK about things I AM. With MY friends. And I WILL BE HAPPY WHILE I CAN

AYE

Life without exceptions

That’s how I live it now

Exceptions, mind you. All my life I have been.. a tad introvert. Not my fault nor do I complain, I was bred this way and I am so set in my own ways. It was very difficult to make friends in old times but slowly I got over it. I still cringe from large groups. A small tight group of friends. Meanwhile now I can talk to….anyone

But all my life I kept a lot of things to myself. Not my fault, me and my parents are two entirely different entities and mom never shared her pain with me and I never learned how to do it myself.. and my sister died.. my grandpa died.. everyone closer to my heart left before I understood a lot about myself and the world. I always had one or two people I called the exceptions.. No matter what rules I have in my life.. I will break it for them.. no matter how much I run away from the world I will not turn my back on them. I might ban the whole world to my heart but when a close friend will ask me what’s wrong.. I will talk.. They were exceptions to the sensitive personality I still posses, and saved myself from a lot of hurt.

Back in the old times, I had a lot of exceptions..

But then.. I stopped.. stopped giving people chances after they broke my heart once, twice, thrice. Stopped talking if they cut in once, twice, thrice.. so on and so forth. And now I sit here, amongst a wall of books, wrapped in a maroon shawl with cold hands and with… so many friends.. I am the local clown for God’s sake.. I can make people laugh with a bam ! There was time I would cry over a stupid thing and yesterday when a friend found out that I was quite unstable after a viva the other day…. she was taken aback… Haibar.. you.. can cry?

It’s nothing to be proud of but still..it was so ironic…

I don’t make exceptions anymore.. The more the days go by the more comical and sarcastic I become. Like the walls keep forming around me and I bloody don’t mind.. It’s like I am far far far away from all those people I once loved and you know what..it’s their fault.. you leave a friend alone in a crowd and expect her to be the same at the end of the day when she had to fight all the stuff herself when she knew she had a friend nearby? Being alone all by yourself is another thing and to be deliberately left out is completely different. It hurts more

But still..flashes of me remain. I will still leave everything if you call for help. Even if not.. passing in the hallway I will give you a smile as pure as the ray of light. But then..gone are the days I broke promises with myself.. If I am gone. I am dead. The dead may have ghosts about them but you can’t touch the heart in them anymore.. That went with the blood and flesh when the heart stopped beating… The heart you broke..

Once..twice..so many times..

This morning, just today

I walk a lonely road
The only one that I have ever known
Don’t know where it goes
But it’s home to me and I walk alone

It’s been a while I walked down that road, feeling as if I was cradling a broken heart in my ribs. It’s really been a long while when my heart and my body felt so tired that I gave up trying to do anything. Proving myself, hanging around, even laughing out aloud. As I walked towards the bus stop, I felt it. I felt the bruised rib cage and the organ it held within. But they say the pain is in the mind.. Oh my head didn’t feel very good either.

I walk this empty street
On the Boulevard of Broken Dreams
When the city sleeps
And I’m the only one and I walk alone

It’s a nice long walk I take by myself everyday. I mean, even the words that hurt me were humming somewhere in the back of my mind, I have seldom felt so tired. I hurt a friend the other day and I barely had the stamina to say sorry, or go around her asking for forgiveness. I literally did not wanna pose. I simply want to go away. Walk on this endless road until I vanish.

I’m walking down the line
That divides me somewhere in my mind
On the border line
Of the edge and where I walk alone

For heaven’s sake I am 18… I look like I am 20.. And act like 35… I think something really wrong is going on in my head. I just came from giving the last anatomy viva of the session. I think I did alright. My head is not in the game, Heart hurts

Read between the lines
What’s fucked up when everything’s alright
Check my vital signs
To know I’m still alive and I walk alone

Imma take a long break now. You know, our heart is too close to us… Sometimes its hard to look past it

My shadow’s the only one that walks beside me
My shallow heart’s the only thing that’s beating
Sometimes I wish someone up there will find me
’til then I walk alone...

(Lyrics: Greenday)

Hell

Severe apologies for the last post.Ill constructed load of crap. I don’t know what happens to me at times and now a days all I do is bottle anger and irritation inside. Not a great excuse but

Hell

So today I am free! Four weeks of non stop papers I am so finally free! And now I can sit and complete my practical manuals and pack my bag because hey! I am going home tomorrow!

Gosh I miss blogging

And I hate not having a second to read what my favourite people in the world have to write!

And I miss mom and uncles and the scent of wood-fire back home.

Plus I am running short of money =P

You know, sometimes stuff just seems to end. All your happiness and content seems to run stale. I can’t say about others but for me every second of my life tells me something. I learn in every breath I take and every move I make.. (Did I just quote a song?) Maybe I don’t see much. Don’t see stuff Lord wants me to see but still sometimes things are so much to absorb that I just wanna lay down on my mattress and just let it sink in so hard and so deep. Again I am talking about stuff everyone says is balderdash and totally alien. Hell. It’s not. I just say in that crooked and mosaic manner.

I am crazy, but then who isn’t?

So what else can I write before my time runs out… hmmm

Yeah. I’ve become strangely.. independent. I run around the whole world as if my own. Jee. It scares me at times but I have always always wanted this aye!

Becoming a doctor… I have come across a great degree of selfishness in colleagues around me. But hell, every second person now a days is dripping with self indulgence. I mean it really irritates me that if you become selfish on who gets to have this first who gets to have that first, hurting people so freely and unknowingly.. how the hell will you try cure or treat people? I mean if it’s for sheer money then go ahead… dissect their kidneys out and sell them..

I naturally run from people who irritate me now. I have enough papers and subjects and Professors and stuff to knock the hell out of me

Well. I have nothing more to say but stare at the girl who just entered the lab. She’s wearing bright green and it’s stinging my eyes.

A Minor Bird

I have wished a bird would fly away,
And not sing by my house all day;

Have clapped my hands at him from the door
When it seemed as if I could bear no more.

The fault must partly have been in me.
The bird was not to blame for his key.

And of course there must be something wrong
In wanting to silence any song.

Robert Frost

Born alone die alone.. classic human tragedy

Have to type down the thoughts before the winds blow the composition away. Before the head drops down and the heart beat falters. Before the words fail me and the fate disappoints me. Gotta write it down, gotta pen it away.

When I am satisfied and content, my heart soars into the skies and brushes past the clouds. You know that.. that expression of relief and happiness when I leave whatever I am doing to help someone understand the attachment of sartorius (a muscle) ? I mean just that expression makes me fly. I just love that feeling that because of me someone’s work got done someone was happy… it just makes me go wild. Literally. AYE

You know… why I do it? No matter how hard it is for me to get up and go out and help a friend out in her work.. I try my level best to help her.. because I know the feeling of being stranded alone. I know how do you feel when you ask someone to help you and all you get is a refusal masked in poor consolation. I know what it feels like to be turned down again and again. So I try not to it myself. I know it feels.

With ten girls eating my head in an anatomy group demo I can just go on and say a few words and sit in a corner and study myself. I can go and make my own sandwich I can go mix myself a cup of tea… Some might say I help because It’s for my revision. Some might say maybe I want my dishes to be washed. Some others might say something else to disguise my persona as one of them

I am not One of you

I search people. I do. I can feel energies all around me. But only a few compel me to lift my head up and actually look in that direction. I have a lot of friends, people with good humour always do. But its different.. strange how never in my life I have found anyone who would leave a comfy warm bed for me. Who would bust a night’s sleep because you’re afraid of stuff that doesn’t exist… Not even one mate not even one friend…

Mom? Dad? They love me, come one there is no point of bringing them into my cynical and optimistic mosaic monologue lol

Maybe that is what makes me happy. That I am someone you are NOT! I hate things liked by everyone I love things nobody notices I am tall I talk funny (most of the at times) it all separates me and boy, I was brought up this way! And aye, I am glad. If I had never been through what I went through.. who knows what I would’ve become

I am not asking for a return. I am a believer. And when you are a believer…

 

Answers come easy =)

 

Ene ende abeba negn

Nice guys finish last that’s why I’ll treat you like- (click it)

Ahoy there!

The biggest problem with me and my writing is the word ‘Mood’ I’ll have plenty of drafts saved during bad-days but no, I cannot post them until the mood the feelings rekindle and come back.

At the moment? This is the fourth try. I am happy so why shall I put up the balderdash thoughts and stories from low hours? That’s right. Happiness isn’t worth anything until spread, multiplied and absorbed by hearts numbering way more than one. And that too mine. Wait a minute did you get what I just wrote? Good luck warriors =D

I wanna scream the lyrics from the song stuck in me mind twentieth time past four months. Yes that’s right. I never knew all that. Really. (Precaution: Severe lack of modesty ahead) Literally forgot that I was such a lovely person. Until my friend Muki told me. Forgot that I was a great person until my best friend Anne told me so “Man Haibar, you are such a great person”

I hate compliments. Despise them. They make the atmosphere so ooey gooey and so sugary and make me cringe. But alright.. Sometimes when the people I really care about and the people I CONSIDER say something like that I flip and flop and become so pop and just so totally flop. You give me happiness and love. I will return that multiplied a manifold. I know this post is completely pointless. I don’t care. I am a purple daffodil, and guys.. it doesn’t exist.

I have this time. And I am gonna say all I want to say and no traitor or liar or hypocrite or backstabber can stop me from saying anything I so truly wanna say. I don’t think about myself. My thoughts, feelings and memories are adorned with the people I love and people I CONSIDER. Sometimes the vibrations gather in my body. I pick them up from places arbitrary. And I pile them up in me. Sometimes they are bad. Sometimes they are good. They pile in me and one day BAM I go off. Happy or so brutally broken. Emotions are always extreme. My soul and heart are two ends of my existence

At the moment my heart is a big bubble. Filled with bright light. And light, as Plato says, is the Shadow of God. I am a humming-bird at the moment. I am a paper boat. I am a person who is so absolutely saturated with happiness and whose cheeks are flushed. Bringing pink into a face that’ll fast go pale and yellow.

I don’t care if I die now. I don’t. Really. I am happy at the people I have in my life. I am happy I met them all. Things will go on. The thing about hearts is that they change. My sister used to say that change is the only permanent thing in nature. Ways will part. They always have. They always will. We all will have some kind of life. I hope I be happy in my mine. I pray you be in yours =)

But you only date bad guys so I’ll give it my best try (click it)

(Title stolen from a friend) Translation: “I am like Flower”