I’m not crazy, my reality is just different than yours

It’s the stupid feeling when you look at yourself and feel that how stupid you are being, how melodramatic and so absolutely obvious. I am saying this because I am feeling optimistic, I am saying this because I just rinsed my face with ice-cold water and feel new. I am saying this because I know what I know and what I hold. What makes me a better person and what makes me much more lucky.

Comparison. We live according to some scale or model. Judging and rating ourselves according to it. But one soul can never be equal to another. One person can never be exact. No matter how close we are we all posses a great difference in our ideas, our fates, our past and our present. It’s the DNA we can’t challenge.

So I sit here, on my favourite velvet sofa and think of the few hours left to break my fast. I, for now, stop relating to anyone. I, here, breathe oblivious of everything that tends to pollute my brain. If I don’t matter, nor does anybody else aye.

Selfish? No it’s called I-am-getting-back-to-normal
And what leads me to it?
A splash of cold water and a nice conversation.
I am what I am and I am proud of it.

 
You might aswell go to hell

To the Thawing Wind

I am sitting near the balcony, my legs are dangling through the metal bars.. long they are and ridiculous I look. But there is no one to see.. Nobody to snigger and point. I am so nicely shielded, with the gusts of wind perfecting the situation. Now I can just sit here and think.. and sigh and understand a lot I haven’t.. try to see through a lot of curtains.

 
Nothing clears your head like the after rain wind. And I feel as if I was born today, early in the morning as the first drop of rain hit the Earth. The clouds still roam overhead.. shielding the Sun… And I look down at the deserted street, imagining people moving down there. With the power of imagination I can conjure anything but hey.. It’s high time we return to face the reality. For a second let’s feel the metal bars and their presence… before I imagine them covered in veils of sacred light. For a moment let’s feel the loneliness of the street. For a an instant let’s embrace our happiness and sorrows in their real form. For now.. for this very time period.. Let’s be normal…

 

I run from the very aspect of the word, yet to the core I am much like the normal person God created.. in it’s very pure form. Let’s cherish our being normal.. today let’s breathe like what we truly may be.. Forget what you wanted to be.. forget what you might become. Neglect the fact that somewhere, deep in, you are unique.. Nobody can challenge your DNA yeah but be one of the crowd today. Stand in that maddening crowd. Walk through the known and well-travelled roads. See the colours as everyone sees them. Smell the dirt as we all do. Forget everything that separates you from others… For now. Here. Today.

 
I rest my head on the cold metal and inhale the smell of rusting steel. How far can I run…

Wind and Window flower

Sometimes it is so difficult to inhale one’s defeat.. so difficult to accept things and move on. To understand the facts and face the reality. It’s so difficult.. it’s so hard

And here I am.. packing my bags… Opening my secret drawers and reaching under the sofas and mattresses and piling all the books together. Sweating all over and arranging them in a carton.. or rather cartons. That is the only thing I pack.. or take care of. My books. So it took me a day to pile and categorize and thanks to my sis-cum-cousin now I can’t even find a single pen…

The point is.. with my cousin I am a bouncing ball.. Sarcastic and humour filled teen who’ll make the environment burst with laughter in two minutes. Haha very funny. Really witty….

But of course.. Things run a different course at the back of my mind. I feel distant and uneven. It’s the long run that scares me. And now I am going away again. Feel so tired. Feel like giving up. Shall I give up? Shall we all give up? Someone once said to me what was all that struggle for if we give up midway? But how long.. How long does it take. How long do we have to stay like this? Do these races and struggles end like.. ever?

They say live each of your days like it’s your last.. But that can be done once.. because if the next day is not your last.. you might aswell kick yourself. Sometimes things seem to just run out of hands. Everything spilling from your hand like sand… the harder you clutch the faster they flow…out

I have a bad habit of piling unnecessary thoughts and opinions together giving my presentation a very mosaic look. But things don’t have to have a theme. There isn’t supposed to be a moral in everything. I am sitting here watching the brown cartons I am here ready to go back yet deep in my heart I do not want to retreat to my older self.. my older home. Past is dead but dead people have ghosts about them and the memories are something I am not willing ti embrace because.. because.. I DO NOT have space to keep any more pain and one blow.. and poof I am down.. and believe me.. I receive such blows every single day… It’s a hobby to some people…. It takes a lot of courage from my side to go on. A lot indeed….

Life was never this way.. the roads were never so broken, the journey never so shaky and the destination never so uncertain. The paths scatter in different directions.. each leading to places unknown.. offering journeys I will never be prepared for……

Patience is something I’ll never have.. Love is something I’ll never get… It’s the small friendship I cherish. So I snuggle in the mattress on the floor. And look outside the window. And I silently call the wind…. And you know.. I never said she always answers…

( Title : Poem by Robert Frost)

The Vagabond

It feels so smooth. It feels so cool. Just like walking on an empty road in the evening. Moving slowly. No hurry. No worries. The night is going to come, the Sun is gonna sink.. But doesn’t it do so every day? This is something that happens and has been happening ever-since. The Sun comes out… watches us the whole day.. shines the whole time praying someone might take up the light and find the right path and eventually it sighs.. gives up from our side and gives way to the stars, to the moon to try. Sometimes darkness and depravity teach us something light fails to do so. Borrowing light from the Sun, The moon tries its level best. But the moon is not so colossal.. not so courageous… I see the moon to be shy and reserved. It comes and goes. And vanishes. But the stars they remain there, Far away. So far away..

But aren’t we the ones who move away? The moon, the stars, the sun- they all have been where they were since the creation… But we… we rotate and revolve… Going farther and further. But Lord made this world round.. And it all ends where it began.. and we fail to see it.. The circle of life.. we fail to observe and understand and alas. We fail in the same things our ancestors did. We come back to where it all started

I can only talk about myself. I only have the right to express myself. My face is cold and my hands are numb. The wind is chilling my lungs and in a few minutes my arms will give way. But I don’t care. I need not play any song.. something is slowly playing in my reverie. In my mind I am a traveler. With my heavy backpack and a thick cane I am moving slowly and gradually. In my mind I can picture a lonely road. And I love to sigh here. Because this is what I am. This is how I was born and left to grow up. If I want company I will have it here, But no, I am at peace with myself.

The song in my mind reaches to the point that makes me wonder about so many people. In my brain I can feel someone’s pain. I can feel the pang. There is someone out there. I can feel it. I can feel the fear eating him/her deep in. But I am not concentrating. I don’t want to put any pressure on myself, these poor half dead arms of mine. I am walking down the road. It is sundown. There is Sun at the end of the road.. but the more I walk towards it.. the more it moves away.. So I am going to just carry on walking slowly… It’ll all turn out to be right in the end.. The stars will be seen and I have memories with them =)

(Title : A poem by  R.L. Stevenson )

The State of Nothingness

It’s a really strange thing. To feel nothing. Nothing at all. To stare with eyes that don’t see. To touch things with no feel. Not drugged. Not meditating. Not numb. Just no penetration at all. Not too hard. Just.. stuck.

I sit so. Here in my apartment, I ignore my sister asking me what I was doing. I hand her my iPod.. Just to shut her queries away. She settles on the couch in glee. And I retire to myself. I wanted to understand this new state of mind. I wasn’t curious. I had no feelings at all.

There are few people in the world who think they know themselves a lot. I happen to be one of them. Because I have that power of understanding. Not bragging but I know it to the core of my heart the powers I possess. But.. for me its a sin to use them. Powers? Wait I don’t fly or disappear or read minds.. Or summon demons. I know the person is going to act this way if you do that…then I just don’t do it. You know what the person is thinking from his actions.. why pursue him.. It’s dumb to be that way I know. But this is what I am. I know if I ask certain question in certain ways the person is gonna break down and tell it all.. Why do it.. Why use his weakness or property for yourself.. Sin aye.. For me it is a Sin.. I hate the feeling that the person acted this way because of some..’trick’ of mine.

But yes. I can make people happy. I have that ‘thing’ in me. But as I said.. It is so strange. When I picked up a greyish blue diary I knew how the colour would affect me. Sounds Bladerdash ey? Things are only as special as we make them, consider them. I chose some colours to affect me in some way.. and aye they will. I feel some amount of calm in me now. It’s a feeling right? It is strange whenever I feel stung.. Or hurt.. I lapse into this state now. Of eerie satisfaction. I am not a neurotic so yeah

Wait. I am not hurt at the moment. Then why feel so? Its like when happiness leaves you all light-headed and you feel all the energy lost from your bones. Then you sit on the sofa like me and think.. satisfied.. content

Maybe I am tired. I want to start a new life. It is right in front me. I can see it. And I have faith that I will reach there. I will. I envy my mother of her faith. It is so strong that it makes me afraid. She has faith I will reach there. So I know I will.

There are a lot of people who think they don’t know themselves. I can understand what they feel.. This state is new for me too. And I will be surprised later. For now even if my brother comes out of no where and tells me he really loves me I would be like.. What? Even if Stance hops in through the window and my cousin calls in and Anne tells me she loves Micheal Jackson I would be like… Why so serious…

So…. How long will this state stay? How long will I remain blank? Maybe till my sister gets done with music or maybe till I doze off. I will not drop off I know. I am lucky. At some point of our lives.. We all are. It’s a square world. I know that.. You smile today.. You’ll cry later. I cry today.. I’ll smile later. But sometimes our lives seem to get stuck. All so one directional. Only pain and disasters coming our ways. I believe it might just be because of our faults.. It might just be a test..Or it might just be something to strengthen our souls. The talk of Soul and Test and Life and Nature.. Sounds so offhand and primitive.. And if you think so.. Don’t blame anybody for the faults in your life.. For your failures. And if you say you are successful and still think all the spiritual stuff is non existent. Either you are too blind or either just wait and watch folks. It’ll all come back

Ah. My cell just beeped. Its my best friend. And the blankness has all just vanished. I instantly smile. And now if she tells me she started listening to Green Day.. I am so truly gonna faint. This is what I am. Happy. Aye =)