I am not allowed to be afraid.

Crossroads

I have written about my heart being heavy, I have written about it being broken. I have written about being happy, I have written about being content. For anyone who ever cared and to whomsoever it ever concerened…I have written it all.

And then I stopped, for I had no new feelings to talk about, no ecstatic incidents to share. Everything was a copy of everything that had happened before and everything I saw was something I had seen before, every thought, every word and every moment. Happy sad happy sad, happy happy, elated, sad, sad, confused, confident, happy happy happy..

And there I was, once again..with that new feeling hitting my face. Again..after years. I had forgotten what it felt like to be floating in the air like a dying leaf,unknown, unanchored, weary and afraid of what would come next. Till now I was happy, adjusted. I could fight every obstacle that came my way, cut down every thorn that threatened to bruise me again. And then sleep with a deep feeling of accomplishment and satisfaction.

But I couldn’t sleep tonight. My mind was plagued with all kinds of thoughts, poisoning my existence with all kinds of doubt and apprehension.
My life is gonna change again.

Just when I had started to love it.

Unconditionally.

“It was not so much that he was shut out, but that she was trapped inside”

phone in bus

SO my friend sends me sends me an audio message this morning about how de-sensitized he thinks he has become for a period of time, how disconnected from everything and distant from everyone. I listen to the message, my upper lip curls and look around for a while.

I don’t remember the last time I felt connected to anyone, by anyone I mean ANYone. Now that I think about it, the last person I felt really in tune with was my sister and it has been a long while since she has gone. I don’t remember sharing a really worthwhile conversation for a long time, I don’t remember being absolutely happy or being utterly sad. A few weeks earlier my cousin said I really was dead inside. I haven’t found a book to die for in months. Haven’t had the stomach to watch an entire movie in one setting for over a year. The really, really weird psychologist I worked with for my internship tried shooting all kinds of darts in my direction, calling me an introvert, saying I never shared anything personal with the group the entire time blah blah blah and right now as the only friends I have in my college leave me to go out, I so wish I at least felt bad at not being included, or that the way I and Bubbly have drifted apart would affect me a little, or that sometimes it would give me a sting thinking how absolutely shrunken has my world become and that maybe I would breakdown thinking my mom would die any day now… but no. I feel nothing.
So what do I tell him?

30th November (IV) belated

Waking-Up

I got up with sun stinging my eyes, someone banging at some door and my bladder threatening to burst. I woke up gruntled and went out. Took me a whole minute to recognize the fact that all my friends had gone to brunch and it was a whopping 12 26 pm

So by this time, the cafe downstairs would be closed for the breakfast crowd, I was out of cereal and all I had were three bananas. Well, that wasn’t so bad. I plugged in my wifi, brushed my teeth and washed my face, which I then remembered, I hadn’t washed for two days. Stuffed the bananas in my mouth. Cleaned my room, did my dishes..and here I am, sitting in my bed with sun shining so pretty, warming up the cold in my fingers

Another year of Medicine gone. I hope I make it through Pharma. Right now there is an eerie silence in my corridor and I am trying to arrange my thoughts. I am going to go outside, chose a corner and finish the book I am reading. It was my birthday last week and I didn’t even have the time to sit somewhere and mope about it. It’s the perfect day today. Everyone is their own worlds. The ones they prefer, the ones where I never truly am gonna fit it. Sometimes we try hard, trying to belong to a shiny, outwardly cheery happy place but the fact remains some of us are just not like that.

Years will go by, everything will change but the very core of our very being drags us back to what we became, or chose to become, long long while ago.

So let it be today =)

birthday cupcake

Pick a card, any card

 

Pick a card

So it all comes down to this. Making a choice. Getting to a decision. Turning iron heart and let that hate enter your veins again. God, it hasn’t been so long since my blood was all clean..

Three years, I have had three years now. Blogging my life away. Writing stories, making up poems, disguising my feelings into sultry words, Sometimes being brutally honest, sometimes just angrily cryptic. Then slowly dissolving away in front of the very eyes of mine and those I got acquainted with. Friends… is a very loose term indeed

I don’t know what happened. The other day I was travelling on the bus and it just hit me in the face. What is happening? How could I let my world slip away and re-form me? How could it mould me the way it wanted? Where did I slip away? Did I fall behind, Did I walk fast or am I just lost in the crowd that I don’t see anyone else anymore? Where is that faith? Where is that trust? Where is all that hope and fantasy?

Sometimes it feels as if, maybe, I am looking myself truly for the first time. Bare and solitary. Without the assorted dreams and exceptions I ever had. Things haven’t died in me to the very extent, yes, but I don’t see that soul in me, that tender thing I cherished so much. It’s all anger and the practicality hardening me inside out. Truth be told.. I don’t even mind anymore

Three years. Met two great writers and people. EMK and APB…and a few others who just stopped blogging…

I just hope someday I vanish myself. But…seriously… apart from my cynical crap.. Life’s not bad. I hope I have the courage to stick around longer before I just..go. Anyways, till then

Cheerio !

 

It’s a muddled up head I have up here

If you deny or ignore something for so long it starts to feel true and gets incorporated in yourself. Just start pushing all them limits and your mind will start making excuses for you. We all justify doing what we do and then time comes..we don’t even need that call from the inside

And I’m tired and angry and tired. There are not many things left in the world that I care about and that scares me. I don’t care if my grades go down, I don’t care if my dress is stained, I don’t care if I look like an idiot in these trousers. I don’t care if there is stuff going on in college, at my place, back in my home. If I have friends if I don’t. It just doesn’t matter. I get up. Go around the world. Come back. Stair at the walls. Yada yada yada

What I do is, I don’t talk about what’s bothering me. I don’t write about what’s bothering me. And couple of days ago.. I blew at something some friend did. It crossed the limits of my tolerance. And I was at loss. Talk to whom? I didn’t wanna talk to anyone closer. I can’t. I called up my neighbour four years back and I blew up on the phone.

And all I know is lets just.. get up and go on. It doesn’t matter what I do or what I become. Being virtual is a cross I have to bear.

Afterall it was my choice

The book theif

 

 

Again, at the crossroads

teddy blanket

So last night I am all wrapped up in my bed, it’s about 10 o’clock and I am reading a book. Someone passes by my room with a characteristic winter *ttttttttttt* of the teeth and I switch the hand holding my kindle and let the poor thing warm while the other hand take its toll. Man it’s getting cold and all my warm clothes are home. All I have is a lousy sweater and a shawl that I begged my mom to send me via courier. It’s cold here than at home but nah, will my mom listen? Plus I am not gonna visit home till December, so yeah, it’s cold =_=

Next thing I know I am hit by a big bout of cough. Oh right I forgot about it, so I get up and take a big gulp of the cough syrup in my roommate’s drawer and fall back on my bed. Boy Anne has a buckload of medicine. I am not a pill-popping person but I took cough syrup because she is a very light sleeper, just like me and one slight movement at night we both just sit up straight, unless, of course, that night when we both were down with a really bad cough and got high on cough syrup. We slept the entire next day with people banging at our door thinking we were dead. What a fun day =D

So I come back my bed in near the window, wrap myself up again and start reading again. I don’t know how I feel at the moment, I just can’t explain it, It’s like all them feelings creeping up like the warmth from your quilt to the back of your neck, it’s friday. Everyone is with everyone and I am with my book and by God it feels so great. There is one point in your life, that one thing in your life, that one part you know is YOU, it’s yours, it’s who you are and when your life changes , you choose a direction at the crossroads but somewhere far ahead comes a part of that road the air is as warm and the sun is as bright and the ground is as soft as the day you made the decision to change. It’s that point your whole life revolves around, that point you will remember every time you face a change of path. Deja vu. You can’t go back, you don’t want to go back. But that moment you can feel a familiar voice in the back of your head, your own voice lost in the dirt so long ago.

I’ll stick around here a while. Who knows, Someone who chose a different path from that same point crosses this way too. Those who separate at one  crossroads…will always meet at another

Sayonara =)

crossroads

The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept

Shadows in sun

It’s all going to be the same. The dark times, the low hours. Write a different story,make up different scenarios. Trust different people, love different shades. Hide, hope. Leave, stray. It’s all gonna be the same.

There’s that caution in the air. When to say what, where to what.What if she finds out,What if he found out. Don’t want him to know I’m happy, don’t want to tell her I am sad. Guard those emotions, write a hundred stories with the same basic idea and pain that the words start to seem fake and the emotions all monotonous and cliché.

Walk the same roads, eat the same food, make the same jokes, laugh the same laugh, walk the very walk and run the very track. Cry every birthday, anniversary, party, holiday. Make the same mistakes over and over again

Waiting for that tomorrow to make everything right.
Waiting for that Sun after the night
Tell me I talk vague
Hit me, I don’t see your face
Walk away in your cowardice, 
or stay in that mere shame.
You tell me I am not here
I live in a galaxy far away
I look around and see the world
And see your sigh hanging in the air
You tell me I am different and so strange
Look through my eyes, It’s all just the same
 
old man watching out the window
 
 
 

To be or not to be

thunder and clouds

“Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn’t it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life…You give them a piece of you. They didn’t ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn’t your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like ‘maybe we should be just friends’ turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It’s a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love.”

 

Neil Gaiman

Sebastian and Leah: Illusions

Green corridor

It is a great night, more cooler than it should be. The summers are parting and winters are headed this way. I sat in the endless corridor, with my cup of tea and a notebook in my hand. I gotta finish studying this topic by midnight. I gotta get over it by midnight

But do we keep the promises we make with ourselves, let alone keeping those we make with others.? It has become a habit of ours. Saying things we cannot do, wanting things we cannot have, holding on to things that no longer can stay, it’s the stupid nature of the impractical human. It’s just one of those things we do

So, I quickly skim through the entire thing. Close my eyes and repeat the difficult parts to myself. Slurp the tea as loudly as I can, and smile to myself as I hear the absurd sound amplified in the cold corridor. I like this place.

I can hear them sounds at the end of the passage, someone’s coming my way. I get back to my notes and start reading them again. He comes and sits by me. I haven’t seen him a long time. I heard he was busy out there, and so was I, in my own illusions, in the virtual that don’t stay

Last time I met my friend, I was burning with hatred and anger. Last time he came when I was far too weak to breakaway, far too weak to hold my head up. Too open, too vulnerable. Transparent. And now, it felt like a big wall around myself, and I was finally locked inside it, last time I had a few people who helped me pull through all the mess in my life. And now here I am and there is no one out there I could call out to. I don’t want to.

But then, things change. One changes. Yes the true essence of the heart and the soul doesn’t go, it shouldn’t go but the skin becomes hard, the armour becomes impenetrable, if you’re lucky, the hatred, the anger, the venom all fades away, because it all got flushed out too long ago. The only feeling left this time is..tireness. And  boy, I am tired..

So I wasn’t gonna sob, I wasn’t gonna cry, I wasn’t gonna find that poison and let it sting hard. There’s too much of that in the air already. So I pick up my brown cup of tea, and clink against the white one in Sebess’ hand, no matter how hard it is, there are some people who soften the blow. Their voices soothe the very fires inside. I was glad my friend was here, and that truth I was afraid to realize seeped into me slowly..

If it’s meant for you, you won’t have to beg for it…you will never have to sacrifice your dignity for your destiny.

If one was ever a true friend, the friend will stay…or else it’s all illusion.

It passes..

man and tea

Quote by Ritu Ghatourey