I met a girl who sang the blues.. and I asked her for some happy news..she just smiled and turned away

blue flower

For how long can you talk about the same thing, for how long can you pour yourself out? The insides are gonna run dry one day. And if the pain and anger stops feeding you, you will shrivel up. If you are filled with some other thing this time,only happiness and peace, the same puncture holes aren’t big enough now. There will be no breaths to come, or you will no longer be able to so take them in. Either way, it’s pretty much over

Is it over for me? Was it the anger, the pain, the sheer illusions that made me write? Made me breathe? Made me something different from so many I have met or avoid meeting over the years. Have I run dry? Or is it the continued happiness? The peace, the  prolonged absence of that lingering pain? End of the struggle, or mere acceptance of the defeat?

Its, different..different to be standing, standing knee-deep in a small pond of stagnant water after being sea sick on a boat for so long. Yes, the vomiting stops and you feel fine for a while..but after that…it’s just..too silent. Too green, too peaceful..and too still

Man, it’s too still

still pond

 

(Title: American Pie by Don Mclean)

Hobbies aye : Embroidery

I did my first piece after doodling for two days! It’s not perfect,not even near perfect.. BUT I DID IT ! I borrowed thread from one Aunt, needle and scissors from another and hoop from distant neighbours. The only thing I own in the set up is the pen I used to draw and the cloth that was a leftover of my shirt and was about to be used as a kitchen rag

Here you go !

This was the first try to see if I can do the fern stitch at last or not

This was the first try to see if I can do the fern stitch at last or not. It’s not my thumb

 

Progress 1

I always carry out my hobbies near my laptop, which btw, goes by the name of Cassius

 

Proceeding.

Proceeding. (The colourful boxes is my shirt btw)

 

TA DA!

TA DA!

 

It's not bad for the first try =P YAAAAY

It’s not bad for the first try =P YAAAAY

Pick a card, any card

 

Pick a card

So it all comes down to this. Making a choice. Getting to a decision. Turning iron heart and let that hate enter your veins again. God, it hasn’t been so long since my blood was all clean..

Three years, I have had three years now. Blogging my life away. Writing stories, making up poems, disguising my feelings into sultry words, Sometimes being brutally honest, sometimes just angrily cryptic. Then slowly dissolving away in front of the very eyes of mine and those I got acquainted with. Friends… is a very loose term indeed

I don’t know what happened. The other day I was travelling on the bus and it just hit me in the face. What is happening? How could I let my world slip away and re-form me? How could it mould me the way it wanted? Where did I slip away? Did I fall behind, Did I walk fast or am I just lost in the crowd that I don’t see anyone else anymore? Where is that faith? Where is that trust? Where is all that hope and fantasy?

Sometimes it feels as if, maybe, I am looking myself truly for the first time. Bare and solitary. Without the assorted dreams and exceptions I ever had. Things haven’t died in me to the very extent, yes, but I don’t see that soul in me, that tender thing I cherished so much. It’s all anger and the practicality hardening me inside out. Truth be told.. I don’t even mind anymore

Three years. Met two great writers and people. EMK and APB…and a few others who just stopped blogging…

I just hope someday I vanish myself. But…seriously… apart from my cynical crap.. Life’s not bad. I hope I have the courage to stick around longer before I just..go. Anyways, till then

Cheerio !

 

30th November (III)

I like testing people. I do it all the time. Everyday. Every other moment. Sometimes its obvious. Sometimes it’s subtle. Sometimes I get them to fail, no matter what. My test, My rules. It’s a crazy world up in my head.

Why ramble on into a huge story of what happened or what didn’t? It was such a long while ago. It was a good day, I was born. Dad Mom Sis were happy. They still are. I too am a lot happier. Crap goes on, I deal with it, Crap comes back, I hit it. People get crap in them, I get a blow. First I used to help them out of it.. now I pretty much shove it in their faces and leave.

Happy birthday to me, Happy birthday to me B-)

Happy birthay to me

To be or not to be

thunder and clouds

“Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn’t it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life…You give them a piece of you. They didn’t ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn’t your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like ‘maybe we should be just friends’ turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It’s a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love.”

 

Neil Gaiman

Sebastian and Leah: Illusions

Green corridor

It is a great night, more cooler than it should be. The summers are parting and winters are headed this way. I sat in the endless corridor, with my cup of tea and a notebook in my hand. I gotta finish studying this topic by midnight. I gotta get over it by midnight

But do we keep the promises we make with ourselves, let alone keeping those we make with others.? It has become a habit of ours. Saying things we cannot do, wanting things we cannot have, holding on to things that no longer can stay, it’s the stupid nature of the impractical human. It’s just one of those things we do

So, I quickly skim through the entire thing. Close my eyes and repeat the difficult parts to myself. Slurp the tea as loudly as I can, and smile to myself as I hear the absurd sound amplified in the cold corridor. I like this place.

I can hear them sounds at the end of the passage, someone’s coming my way. I get back to my notes and start reading them again. He comes and sits by me. I haven’t seen him a long time. I heard he was busy out there, and so was I, in my own illusions, in the virtual that don’t stay

Last time I met my friend, I was burning with hatred and anger. Last time he came when I was far too weak to breakaway, far too weak to hold my head up. Too open, too vulnerable. Transparent. And now, it felt like a big wall around myself, and I was finally locked inside it, last time I had a few people who helped me pull through all the mess in my life. And now here I am and there is no one out there I could call out to. I don’t want to.

But then, things change. One changes. Yes the true essence of the heart and the soul doesn’t go, it shouldn’t go but the skin becomes hard, the armour becomes impenetrable, if you’re lucky, the hatred, the anger, the venom all fades away, because it all got flushed out too long ago. The only feeling left this time is..tireness. And  boy, I am tired..

So I wasn’t gonna sob, I wasn’t gonna cry, I wasn’t gonna find that poison and let it sting hard. There’s too much of that in the air already. So I pick up my brown cup of tea, and clink against the white one in Sebess’ hand, no matter how hard it is, there are some people who soften the blow. Their voices soothe the very fires inside. I was glad my friend was here, and that truth I was afraid to realize seeped into me slowly..

If it’s meant for you, you won’t have to beg for it…you will never have to sacrifice your dignity for your destiny.

If one was ever a true friend, the friend will stay…or else it’s all illusion.

It passes..

man and tea

Quote by Ritu Ghatourey

Back with a Bubble

 

back-to-college

I am sitting in my room again, my heart all warm and my muscles all sore. Yes it was a bad day for travelling, I went through shit today. All that time in the bus, off to college again, I had one thought roaming around in my head. Will I fit in again? Will people acknowledge me as I walk by? Had anyone, someone, missed me? These sound pathetic but then truth isn’t always heroic and nice. I felt feverish. My heart pounded thickly in my chest. Will I be okay? I don’t feel the same. I am not the same. I don’t know

But now as I rest my back against the window on my thick pillow..I feel a tiny bubble of happiness cushioning my heart. I love Bubbly. She is one of the few people who have touched my soul with their own warmth. These are the people I will do anything for. These are the people I will miss. These are the people who have the ability to wound me.

I went to her room, she got up and hugged me, and I said what I wanted to hear the most, Hey, I missed you, and I felt her hold tighten that millisecond. That millisecond I felt all the beautiful memories in my mind hitting me one by one. God.. I was really in need of a hug. And then we talked. Non stop. For two hours. College, home, politics, siblings, commercials, sports… everything. And now as I sit in my room I wish I could just preserve it all somewhere because oh, this time is gonna pass and some shit will happen to me. You see, that history book on my shelf..is always repeating itself

I also went to meet my favourite best friends.. Kate and Sidney. I like them a lot. But I fear to be a third wheel, the outsider I always am. They always laugh at my jokes and are always there when I need them. They are, without a doubt. my favourite people.

These are just ramblings, folks. My happiness ain’t complete until I spread it around. It’s like a little bird caught in my heart, it was meant to fly =)

So sleep thight. I’ll see you on the other side =P

woman in calm water

The Light The Dark

the dark and the light

When the light is dim, all weak and frail
It tells us the very outline, I hear
Whether it’s a man, a hound or a fly
Someone who knocks to enter my lair
But they say the brightness shows it all
The colour the shade the love and hate
The hound that stood, the man who crouched
The trick imitation that granted the pass
They fall at the hallway, some get a bit ahead
They walk they stumble, they run they fall
Nevertheless they never get too far
In the house of a Stygian relict
It makes me return to darkness and think
Their Light brought them here, light made them knock
My Darkness caught up and swallowed the damned lot
Halves of the same whole, white and black
Partners and lovers, divided to trick
 I sit and smile at the nature’s game
And as I lean back, laughing up so hard
Light bursts through the window and death does me part

 

Aye to my thoughts

Sitting and looking

Giving up writing is like giving up breathing. And there are times when you don’t want to breathe at all. But you can’t just stop breathing if you want to.. and I can’t stop writing even if that one remote part of me might ever want to. Even if there is no one to read out there (I doubt that though =D)

It’s beautiful. That light in the heart. That tiny bubble of hope that is all yellow…That keeps you company in the loneliest of hours, keeps you going in the darkest of times. I feel that. I feel that tentative glow and I feel the smile coming on to my lips without forcing it for the sake of others. And the genuine laughter so afraid..what if the next moment I do something and this bubble of happiness bursts.. plunging me back into the venom that compels me to shun everyone who dares come closer. I don’t know. Bathed in this light my heart feels like a tiny fluttering sparrow.

But you know what..it’s just the tricks of time. Up and down and down and up.. I have been down for a while.. A little up won’t hurt…

See ya =)

fluttering heart

Karmic Infections

Karma

I am always punished for every single bad word that comes out of my mouth, a single wrong thing I do. God has put fifty angels around me that keep noting everything I say or do and baam! I get punished.

And guess what happened this time

Okay. I have a friend who devours chocolate like anything. Then there is another who is extremely superstitious about it. She thinks that chocolate causes ear pain. And I made fun of that thing for four whole days

Guess what

Fifth day, I got the most massive ear infection there was.

I have been crippled for two weeks. My ear kept ringing with pain and it kept me up at night, it kept me in a really foul mood and all crappy and grumpy. And then the antibiotics were so heavy that they literally brought me to my knees. One push and I would vomit my lunch out (now none of my friends know about that part, shh). College was hazy and I have really sensitive ears. So. Past two weeks God taught me a really good lesson. I have been banging doors, popping pills, cursing walls. Gah

Anyways ! Now that I am well and okay, I guess I better start writing, for that is the only significant thing about me. But as I was walking towards the doctor’s place and coming back down that road back to my building, it felt..strange.. I didn’t have my cell on me.. hell I didn’t even have my wallet (we med students get the check up free). Who would I call? Call and say hey look I am not okay..  Not mom.. she gets too worried. I guess I was just missing her and Dad. And as I poured the drops in my ears and gobbled up the meds, I closed my eyes and sent an apology out in the air. Let it float, let it sway, Maybe something good will come back my way.

But you know, at the end of the day as I pull the covers over me and look up and think about it all, this just shows He’s watching over me and loves me enough to teach me when I cross the lines. And He is ONE Tough Teacher

And it feels good to be loved =)

See ya

Haibar

karma