There are too many books I haven’t read, too many places I haven’t seen, too many memories I haven’t kept long enough

purple pink smoke

I was brushing my teeth the other day, looking in that foggy, droplet-stained mirror so early in the morning when the pictures started to move in my head so thick and fast. Childhood. I don’t care about that era, just like I don’t care about the teens that passed. I don’t even remember being a child. I have flushed away those memories so perfectly. I do that, I can erase an entire era from my brain if it has so much as one painful event. But I have never been fortunate to have one bad event, one is always chasing the other. I don’t think anyone ever is. I may remember the event, but everything else just melts away. And soon the memory itself fades. Taking every feeling, but numbness, away.

I suddenly saw my dad in a ward sitting right next to me. Wearing his glasses, reading the back of this new medication doctor had perscribed. Mom was back home, dad never brought her because she freaked out seeing me all hooked up to wires. I saw him carrying me around and getting me over to have my height and weight checked, all the while helping me hold the oxygen mask. Somehow I cannot remember the conversation. I don’t remember one conversation with my parents in my childhood. Or with anyone, as a matter of fact. No words or sentences, just silent pictures that move sometimes. I do remember once in a hospital I had to have stitches on my arm due to an injury and I screamed on top of my voice My Father will kill you if you try to hurt me. He’s in army. He has a gun

(He’s never had a gun, at that time I did not know that he was an army doctor. I just knew he wore the uniform. Kids can be so dumb)

And I saw him telling me I was like seven sons to him. And telling me it will all be over soon. I can’t remember how he said it. I can see his lips moving, but I can’t hear his voice. And I so remembered the gray walls of those wards and the chemical smell of the masks I breathed through, and those green inhalers and the box of Pringles I used to get every time we came from the hospital.

And I can see my mum waiting, wide eyed, when we returned. I don’t remember what dad said and what she replied. I can see their lips moving, but I don’t hear their voice

So I just rinsed my mouth, splashed water on my face and popped a pill before the pain in my arm would shoot up. It hasn’t hurt in months now but the anticipation is a trigger itself. Some memories just become demons and never stop chasing, some pasts are so deeply rooted in the present that to erase them is to melt away…dissolve and vanish.

I am not too worried about it

cleaning foggy mirror

(Title: Quote by Irwin Shaw)

It wouldn’t be New Year if I didn’t have regrets

Hey, I was sitting. Feeling blissful after events of the last day and of course talking to my elder cousin.. my first teacher and the person who actually brought out my love for reading and writing. Boy I found a lot hidden in me after I came back from UAE and practically lived with her a long time. I’ll always be indebted

So. 2011. GONE!

Hmm so talking about the Gregorian Calendar followed.. The year is over.. and man was it an eventful roller coaster ride

I am gonna be random. I started blogging. I met so many new people. I did my intermediate in pre medical. I was dumped by quite a handful of people. Found my brother. Lost my brother. My friendship with Anne, Stance and Stephanie mulitplied. I met Muki, my greatest friend alive. My Potato matey. I met Billy, or my Teen friend! I encouraged or rather inspired (=D) a bunch of people to start their own blogs. Wp became a beloved place… though even people I dread and fear of infiltrating and destroying my world came here. I am still afraid. But I care no more

I will never be the same. This year taught me so so so much. I understood the good. The better. The bad. The worse. I mean, I still am as sensitive as I was.. maybe even more.. But I know how to deal with my feelings now. Deal with people and how to bury stuff behind me. But I am still not strong enough to carry all that alone. Friends have always been whom I have looked upon. I just need a smile to hold. And I can mulitply happiness to a degree it might never reach on its own. I’m proud of that

I learned how to drive.. a bit =D

Plus guys. I got into a medical college! Becoming a doctor just like my old man

I am not going into my usual deep crap talks. But this year was hard. I shifted back to my home in the village. I had fallen in love with the city. MIracles surrounded me. Once..twice..thrice..four times. I watched so many seasons of so many tv serials just to distratct myself from the hollowness the pain my friends left me with. Friends? Jee why did I even use that term.. Double faced two toned hypocritical__                               Language Haibar!

I am sorry folks. Really. May Karma eff you up
Emphwa!

I became even more funny! Humour became even greater a plus! I found my true self! I groomed it! I laughed! I cried! I jumped! I fell! I got up again! Lalalala

I understood the diversity of people around me. I started knowing them. Giving them chances. Not judging them.

Huh.Looks like I have started again. Btw. I turned 18 this year
Yeah, right. I was a kid before.
Not anymore =D
My brain is far more mature
And boy, I am tall :D

This post might not be a good a comprehensive one since I cannot write on one set topic unless I have a craving to do so. It might not be good, but my intentions always are =D

Anyways. A happy happy happy new year to all of you. Esp my WordPress folks. You have no idea what life writing and reading you all puts in me. 

I am a bad at commenting. I am sorry for that
And at giving away awards. I will start this year, I promise
That reminds me.. I should write the so called New Year Resolution post too!
But.. going back to college tomorrow folks!
See you around!
Love !
Haibar!

Goodbyes are not forever.
Goodbyes are not the end.
They simply mean I’ll miss you
Until we meet again!

(Title: Quote by William Thomas)