Bait and Switch

I wonder if this sunshine could break me, as I lift my head and let it warm my face. The rays seem to hit a thin barrier and when I touch my face I feel as if a thin layer of skin is covering an eggshell underneath. Maybe I am a painting, an abstract construct even, a child’s art project. Could this light get so strong and break my face? Would then this covering of skin stay? Or would it collapse within itself, into a crumpled heap of eyes, lips and nose? Or would it shatter too, dehydrated by the heat? Turn into dust and blow away? What would remain then. A headless anomaly seaping into the cement floor?

Will this sun do what every aspect of love and warmth has ever done to me?

Bait and switch?

I Understand Now What My Mom Meant by ‘Books will ruin your brain’

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Sometimes I start talking and stop because a voice inside begs me to (not a ‘voice’, voice). I see the look at the other person(s) face and my tongue slips a little. That is my cue to stop talking. And then suddenly I am tired. Then I just feel like being quiet for the rest of the day.

Sometimes I hear something so absolutely ignorant and so fundamentally abhorrent that I have to speak up. And I talk until I bring the other person down and defeat them in every aspect of that horrible utterance. And then one of the following happens:

-They accept that their premise was wrong. (either truly, or just to shut me up and still save face, what is with people and saving face? If you are wrong and have been proven wrong..fess up and learn something instead of strutting around like a plucked peacock, jeez)

-They give me a ‘agree to disagree’. (the root of all my hatred)

-They successfully bring up some points that force me to reconsider. (respect)

-They give me a vague stupid twisted line which involves words like ‘Belief’ and ‘Everyone is like that’ or “This is what Life is” as if it is supposed to answer everything. Or sigh and look into the distance in a way that is supposed to be mysterious and deep as if they hold the secret of the Universe and it must not be uttered. (the Kantian spiritual mystics that will be mentioned by name in my suicide note)

-Or they attack me.

….not the topic, not the discussion, not the points…me. Instead of defending their baseless doctrine….They attack me.. pouncing at everything they can grab at. This part has always amazed me and is the most commonly observed scenario in my experience. The shouting, the frothing at the mouth, the personal remarks, the offenses taken…my God. What a spectacle. My mom does that too, although her counter arguments are ‘Because it is said so’ or ‘You are not old enough’ or ‘I am your Mother’. And then when I know that the argument is useless and stop talking….I get a whole lecture on morality and values. And the lips move and all I see is air coming out that means nothing. I can reduce it to ashes with one question but by that time..my head already feels sore and I am already bored.

Last night I was in my bed, cold and shivering, reading Rand…. I put the book down, closed my eyes and apologized to myself. I apologized for living in a delusional bubble all these years. For writing crap and believing in crap. I was sorry that I had wasted so much of my life believing the wrong things and pursuing the wrong purpose. I now have many of the answers to the questions that confused and wrecked me my entire adolescence. I am not saying they have made me ‘happier’ but they have saved me from the unnecessary torture that I wrongly..or maybe so rightly..termed ‘Sacrifice’. And to think I took pride in it. I do not blame my mother anymore, I do not have an inkling of resentment towards her or anyone else who influenced me as I was growing up. My choices. My mistakes. My faults.

But sometimes.. I want to stop them and ask…do you understand the full meaning of what you are saying? Why are you saying it if you do not understand it, if you cannot defend it the slightest? Do you understand what you are doing? Do you actually get it? Or are you copying someone who did it before you? Tell me why are you doing it? What do you want from it? What is the purpose of your existence? Do you know who you are? Did you try finding it? When? How?

…………………………………………..

 

When I was young and dumb..which was last Tuesday, I think =P I used to say that I was too ‘dead’ to love someone or be in love. And I named my lack of attraction a scar someone unnamed and unessential left me with. But I was wrong. Love is the epitome of personal values. And the reason I did not fall in love with you, you and you was not because I was frigid to your charm…it was because I was frigid to your values, your ideals and above all..your mind.

I am sorry. I should’ve known better.

emotional-intelligence

Just a quick update, as I head home

I better hurry as I have ten minutes to make the next class

Passed Physiology in flying colours. That is one subject I seldom drop a question in. Passed the anatomy stage. Biochem viva went very queer as the examiner was more interested in my family background and hobbies than the fact that I dropped four questions out of eight. Just gave anatomy viva. My report card is marked with just one number… I always get the same average marks there. Come see my physiology card and suck on it

I pretty much hate everyone I meet now. Selfishness makes me vomit and there’s nothing more I can do about it but to keep away

My blog reached 60k… ain’t that something?

All for now

Love

Haibar

Sometimes, no matter how much faith we have, we lose people. But you never forget them. And sometimes, it’s those memories that give us the faith to go on

Night or early day, I know not. My eyes flew open as the stab settled in

No, Lord NO!

I knew the pain that would take over, starting from the shoulder blades down to the arm, now the ribs too. Clutching my teeth shut I sped to the kitchen. No, God, no. Popped the pills and drank enough water to push them down. Quick opened the fridge and filled the injection. No, please, don’t spread. There was no time, plunged the syringe into my arm and slid to the floor. The pain would go in half an hour now. Recede to a level that won’t get me screaming. If I was not already doing so. If I was not already wailing. Stifling the cries as the eyes leaked with salt water, sliding farther on the cold marble

Pathetic. It was pathetic. My body reeked of pity. I so wanted to cry in the real volume. Sob harder. I just wanted the pain to end. Just leave my body.. just leave my existence

Got up, came back. Sat at the edge of my bed. Face wet and arms sling. Chest hurt. I was crying for Dad. I wanted to go to him. Lord, I miss him. He was the only person who knew what was wrong with me. The only person who understood me. Sob shattered through my weak ribs and made me shiver. I hated shaking in despair and agony. And it was getting worse. The pain won’t stop. The arms won’t recover. Dad was gone. Buried under a pile of dirt. Just like I would be. Soon

How long is ‘soon’? Four years? Five years? 10? 12? Tomorrow? This night? How long have I got? What difference will it make? Will anyone’s world shatter, just for a second. For a second will there be that realization that she..she’s gone? What will mom do without me? Others can live. Oh it has been proved…once..twice..thrice..four times. Lives don’t stop. I don’t want them to. It’s just that feeling when the world isn’t the same anymore.

I pull on my cardigan. Slide into my tight trousers. My forehead is slick and wet of the wave of pain that just receded. Mom’s asleep in her room. I wear my glasses and start digging into my drawers, until I find a shattered frame and a torn picture of..of my family. Broken ages ago. I see him looking at me as if I was just about to fall. As if he would catch me if slip from mom’s arm.

I’ve fallen dad. Once, twice, thrice.. four times

Slowly the medication takes over as I sway. Remove my glasses and fall over my bed. I see faces of everyone I have ever cared for in my life. The images blur my mind and the words crash in my brain again. It is silly how everything seems right and then everything is wrong. The world seems dull when the insides are gray. As my insides pain, everything around me is thorns. I feel Dad’s warmth as I fall through numbness

And If I have ever loved anyone. I have loved you. In so many smiles. In so many tears. In all this pain. And through all my fears..

Positive changes? I love thou

Well, I was kind of reflecting.

That’s right, I do that

So, I was sitting back, on my creaking maroon chair, and looking around my room. Listening to the voices issuing from the tv in the hall. I found a lot about myself. And I feel.. cool

Living for more than a year in the city, I developed this habit which is sticking to me pretty hard. Like it’s tattooed in my persona, I cannot take things in bulk anymore! In the city, because it was a temporary shift, we took a quarter of our stuff, Less furniture, less utensils, less cutlery lol, we didn’t even take our microwave! All my time there, I used to complain about it. I used to crack the hell out when I wanted to eat my ice cream in my own cool bowl but Mom didn’t bring it because it was WAY too expensive and she didn’t wanna damage it during the moving, same goes for my library and dressing table

I lived a whole year and a half with scanty stuff, compromising when I couldn’t find things because we left it HOME. Now I am back and all the bulk suffocates me!

I LOVE carpets, but we dint have them in the city, now my room bites me. I slept on a single bed or in my tiny room, on a mattress on the floor. I loved that. Now my medium-sized bed looks HUGE. I used to have a few dresses in my closet, now the store-room HAULS me out if I ever step there. Used to have a single bottle of shampoo, conditioner, moisturizer on my table, nothing in the cupboard. Now the load we have there, I honestly want to run away

Even food. I got used to of eating cold food because Mom won’t risk bringing her Oven, Now when I eat last night’s sandwich so hot and tasty, I feel so awkward

I feel so awkward around myself at home. With so many rooms, such a cool kitchen, and spacey bathrooms on top of everything, Our stores are loaded with old stuff, out of season clothes and blankets. Decoration pieces. THEY BITE ME

I mean, a big house is good, I thank Allah. I thank Him for everything. But I thank Him for putting this thing in me. I want a lot of stuff (electronics yeah) but it is an awful mess when I have to clean my room now. I mean, I never knew I owned so much. But it is good to be a minimalist lol. I can give things to people who require them and still not feel bad =)

You know, I hear Mom pray after prayer to God, when she thinks I am asleep you know, that God, make my daughter strong, make her heart and soul pure, make her a good human, make her know the difference between the good and the bad, don’t let her stray, look after her, and may she never get materialistic, may she never have the love for the material, make her love You, make her love her religion, make her a good Muslim, help her abide Your rules….

It’s pretty long, I turned over so she lowers her voice, didn’t wanna spy her praying. Wish she had a better life. But I know Allah loves her, gives her all she asks for. Dad loves her. I love her. And Allah listens to her.

See? I know why I am a good person =D And as per my best friend, I should be proud of it! Lack of modesty? Get outta here…

(Twenty Minutes later when I read it, I swore the world was ending soon)

Life lessons

I am merging two lessons and two great people I know in this post.. So naturally it will be a long one. Patience… Aye =P

Number 1 : Mom and the lesson of payback

Well. Me and Mom.. we were having dinner. Regular stuff. I was just nibbling a piece of meat ( My apologies to the vegetarians.. Sire bear with me) and the piece just fell from my hand all the way down the bed. I tried to search for it.. but all in vain. I told mom that just lemme finish the food then I’ll pick it..
But HELL!!
Mom gave me a ten minutes lecture on responsibility and hygiene and etiquettes and carelessness and blahblahblahblah : I had to crawl all the way down the dusty place and retrieve the bone.
Then my mom exhaled and we went back to food
After exactly two minutes.. A piece of bread slipped from mom’s hand and landed directly where mine did. And yeah. I chuckled

Mom looked up at the piece (as I coughed out all the dust after my second trip down there) and she smiled a secretive smile and said ” Look honey, Lord paid me back in less than a moment, This is His greatest blessing when he makes us know our mistakes and corrects us sooner… And it’s a great curse when he lets us… be”
That means.. You won’t holler at me now will ya?
And she just scowled… Thinking that none of the words had penetrated my thick skull. Neva mind

I think about that thing all the time.. Sure Lord loves Mom more but hey..He loves me too! Whenever I ask him to save me from all the stuff.. Hey Lord make me know about the good and the bad.. He always answers .. I used to be afraid once.. praying for this but when I did.. he replied..And according to Mom.. it is a blessing and HE… he blessed me.. He took a notice of ME!!!! Well yeah Imma kid and you can’t change me so stop rolling your eyes

Number 2 : Uncle K and the lesson of the dying world

Well it would be interesting if I call him Uncle X but I hate algebra and X reminds me of that chemical that led to the birth of powerpuff girls.. so I guess.. K will do

And yes. I am in air

I remember saying it before… you give me a good conversation and a genuine company… I’ll give you a great time, a great acquaintance and maybe a great friend…

It’s not about friendship now. My Uncle K just left. And I am in love with this man. He is so so so great. I respect him from the core of my heart. Whenever he comes at our place I start bouncing. Literally speaking I start glowing. He is so… so… nice….

He came by to check some stuff and fix them with his supernatural mechanic wisdom. He used to be in Army once. And he never ever reprimands me for asking questions.. he is the only person who actually knows the answer to every question I ask. He just opens a device or a machine and I bombard him with every question I can think of. Hey Uncle this weird wire.. what’s it for? Hey Uncle this is a a Capacitor right? And he shows me his complicated instruments and I exclaim just like a stupid kid. WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

He talks so freely.. none of the Uncles I know do so.. I mean he is like Dad’s brother from a certain angle. He comes along, talks about old days with Dad and Grandpa and talks so genuinely that I actually feel that he has no problem of me being around!

I stand out at wedding because yeah.. I am a bit simple.. so naturally I am visible. lol. But the fact is that the more simple and reserved you are the more people respect you. I mean I can feel the warmth in their eyes as they see me all so simple and well cool
It’s a tradition or what that we greet the elders on weddings and festivals or whenever we meet them.. I love jumping towards Uncle and seeing his warm eyes say.. She’s a nice girl

So.. today he was talking and taught me a lot. He talked about small petty stuff yet each and every word was dripping with wisdom. He is one of the very few elders I spend my time with. He’s a heart patient.. Defective Valves. Who knows how long will he live. But I will remember him forever. He is the symbol of the old world. These people aren’t there anymore. The love the care the selflessness.. It’s long gone. The concern in his voice about the family and friends… It somehow reminded me a line from King Lear.. ha I so truly understand it.. it takes a lot to be where all these people are , I can never see what these old eyes see.. I can never understand what these minds.. after scores of hardships and struggle.. can perceive… and yes. One thing he said was about the hearts changing. The souls rotting. Ironic but I believe that definitions of our basics have been exploited to a pitiful extent.. and I am not any different…

I am so lucky I met so many wise people. I wish I could be like them. But it will take a long journey.. A long one indeed….

The woods are lovely, dark and deep, 
But I have promises to keep, 
And miles to go before I sleep, 
And miles to go before I sleep….