“Terror is an acute and pronounced form of fear. It is an overwhelming sense of immediate personal danger. It can also be caused by perceiving the object of a phobia. Terror may overwhelm a person to the point of making irrational choices and atypical behaviour. Paranoia is a term used to describe a psychosis of fear. It is experienced as long-standing feelings and perceptions of being persecuted. Paranoia is an extreme emotional state combined with cognitions or, more specifically, delusions that one is in danger. This degree of fear may indicate that a person has changed his or her normal behavior in extreme or maladaptive ways.”
I can feel my eyes. Dropping eyelids shutting the light away. I can feel the tautness in the muscles of my face. My back is stiff. My arms pain.
And fear is in my heart. Yet I am here to embrace it. I am here to embrace the fear following me since my childhood. I summoned it finally. It had been following me ever since but… from behind the curtains. I had done something. I had let the monster in.
Shall I even call it a monster? I don’t who it is or what it is. I only know it fills my soul with terror. Horror grips every fibre of my body, and I gulp air. I know when I first saw it. It was dark, I was in a transition state. Asleep yet awake. I felt it. I felt it there. Watching me. Waiting me to sleep so it could drink my blood.
I woke up next day. It was a dream. A silly dream. My nine-year old young mind dismissed the very idea of its truth. It never happened.
But then I grew up
With everyday passing. The realities became known to me. I was special. There was something in me that separated me from others. I protected my abilities. Never penetrated them myself. My life became caught in other problems. I even forgot my childhood, my past. my old self. I stopped remembering. Breaking and mending I went on, never saw backwards.
They say whoever looks back becomes of stone. One day my shell broke. I freed myself from the chains of lies and deceit. Once again, I retreated to search my own soul, my own self
And the monster returned
I don’t know what I did. But he crossed the boundaries and entered my home. I can feel him now. I can feel him watching me from his black, cold eyes. I can feel him smiling that menacing smile as he knows I acknowledge his presence. When I sleep I can feel him staring from my back at the light issuing from my cellphone. I almost expect him to pass his triangular, pointed fingers over my face. I can see him sulking in the kitchen as I get up to drink water at midnight. I expect him to float and whisper in my ear… I am back Eustacia…back again to take you away…
I clutch my amulet. The name of Almighty wrung around my neck. My dad gave me when he saw me terrified of myself one night. But it is something I have to overcome myself. He is waiting for something, the right time to pounce, the right time to quench his thirst, The chance he lost nine years ago..
I close my eyes and take a shuddering breath. He is still around in my house. He’ll disappear in the morning and I will feel the walls of my house free of some taut pressure. I surrender to my brain and I drift away. Waking up next day in a strangely lighter air.
But oh, the night will come again