No.. Not again

Worst viva ever. Worst day ever. I hate everyone in the vicinity. What is the use of working all day long and all those nights and all that CRAP when I am gonna be stuck at the SCAPULAR ANASTOMOSIS! IS THIS THAT WHAT THE UPPER LIMB IS ALL ABOUT?????

Lord. I am so angry. I have an ospe within an hour or so with table spotting of all structures and radio-graphs and blah blah blah blah blah. I don’t even feel like going. I feel like setting the whole anatomy department on fire. I don’t even care if any Professor reads this post. YOU SUCK!

I HATE YOU ANATOMY! EVERY LIMB EVERY NERVE EVERY ARTERY EVERY DAMN ANASTOMOSES!

DON’T MAKE ME GO CRAZY! I WAS NEVER A ROTE LEARNER!

I think I am better off with physiology. At least things make sense. I swear I am never gonna respect nor care about anatomy ever again if I fail. I swear to God my hatred will never go.I have never failed in a a real subject, in a real test, in a real paper. ALLAH G!

Hate you anatomy. Hate you crazy Professors. I give yer the curse of constipation. Go have fun

Anger: Thou cometh again

Indignation and anger. They are the things that have the power to unleash all the suppressed feelings I possess. They have the ability to charge each and every pore of my body and flush my fair cheeks scarlet. I can feel blood rushing to my face and the adrenaline surge clearing my view. I am angry and times are gone I let it in and run away or give up. Yes, it is not worth it. Every person is not worth being given a dose of Haibar at the peak of indignation . Karma is enough a friend. What goes around comes around. I am a writer. I am proud of it. I can write my frustration away while you can suck on it

I was right. I am right. I always leave space, a large space, for anyone else’s thoughts. Why? This is a big world and I do not live alone. I don’t want to. Twice in my life I have made the mistake to let my work seen by the totally close minded, or stuck up. Because we have been writing and reading and talking and being talked to or with for a long time does not make us the supreme ruler, nor does it give us the authority to say anything anywhere. There is no limit to learning. No limit to learn from others. But pardonne me, this road runs two ways.

Learn to respect others and what they have to say. If you find anything wrong, humbly point it. Nobody is going to listen if you act and talk crap. Everyone is not Mommy daddy or Uncle auntie. Nor is everyone a friend. If you want to be respected, learn the verb and noun yourself

And don’t judge me till you don’t know me. I am the most humble person on Earth. But when the rotation goes counter-clockwise, I no longer stay quiet

Jee, now that I have written it. My heart is as clean as it was, I hate fighting back. Makes me weary and tired. Makes me someone I am not. From the core of me, I am not brutal nor am I a pay-backer. But when I have to, I fight alone

Was born and bred that way…

Voices in the darkness, scream away

“Fear is a distressing negative sensation induced by a perceived threat. It is a basic survival mechanism occurring in response to a specific stimulus, such as pain or the threat of danger. In short, fear is the ability to recognize danger and flee from it or confront it. Fear is related to the specific behaviours of escape and avoidance, whereas anxiety is the result of threats which are perceived to be uncontrollable or unavoidable. Worth noting is that fear almost always relates to future events, such as worsening of a situation, or continuation of a situation that is unacceptable. Fear could also be an instant reaction to something presently happening.”

 

‘Sis’
‘Sis
‘What’
‘I am getting scared, may I come in your room?’
‘What.. Scared? (Yawn) Shut up and sleep’
‘Sis. Please. Let me in’
‘Alright, it is past midnight for Heaven’s sake’
‘Na, not yet. May I slip in your quilt?
‘Bring your own’
‘I AIN’T GOING BACK’
 

Her voice was heavy and coarse with fear. My half-sleep mind responded to the scared sound and I moved aside. She snuggled in and wrapped herself around me. She was so cold. Boy she was terrified.

‘It is ok my pie, I am here ok, Now sleep alright? Nothing is gonna happen. Be a big girl’

She gave a big coarse sniff. I hugged her tighter. My poor girl.

‘What’s the matter?’
‘He is here. Sis that monster you talk about”
‘Haha that is my monster he won’t hurt you, plus I never knew you took my bedtime stories so seriously’
‘I.. I don’t know. He is here. He is here. Can’t you feel him?’
 

I woke up. My brain snapped active at those words. Something was wrong. My body was reacting to something. She hugged me even tight, as if I would run away any second. But now it was only my own fear. My own dread clutching my heart. It was as if someone had constricted my windpipes and was crushing it. I took deep breaths. I had lost my Amulet today. I swallowed. It was as if I had been running a long way and suddenly the earth had vanished and that feeling was setting my heart and body on fire..I am going to fall

I looked into the hall from my open door, hoping to call ma sleeping there. There were three people in my house today

Due to the diffused light coming from the porch… I could see two of them 

 

They say to watch what you do because the past will come back and haunt you

“Terror is an acute and pronounced form of fear. It is an overwhelming sense of immediate personal danger. It can also be caused by perceiving the object of a phobia. Terror may overwhelm a person to the point of making irrational choices and atypical behaviour. Paranoia is a term used to describe a psychosis of fear. It is experienced as long-standing feelings and perceptions of being persecuted. Paranoia is an extreme emotional state combined with cognitions or, more specifically, delusions that one is in danger. This degree of fear may indicate that a person has changed his or her normal behavior in extreme or maladaptive ways.”


I can feel my eyes. Dropping eyelids shutting the light away. I can feel the tautness in the muscles of my face. My back is stiff. My arms pain.

And fear is in my heart. Yet I am here to embrace it. I am here to embrace the fear following me since my childhood. I summoned it finally. It had been following me ever since but… from behind the curtains. I had done something. I had let the monster in.

Shall I even call it a monster? I don’t who it is or what it is. I only know it fills my soul with terror. Horror grips every fibre of my body, and I gulp air. I know when I first saw it. It was dark, I was in a transition state. Asleep yet awake. I felt it. I felt it there. Watching me. Waiting me to sleep so it could drink my blood.

I woke up next day. It was a dream. A silly dream. My nine-year old young mind dismissed the very idea of its truth. It never happened.

But then I grew up

With everyday passing. The realities became known to me. I was special. There was something in me that separated me from others. I protected my abilities. Never penetrated them myself. My life became caught in other problems. I even forgot my childhood, my past. my old self. I stopped remembering. Breaking and mending I went on, never saw backwards.

They say whoever looks back becomes of stone. One day my shell broke. I freed myself from the chains of lies and deceit. Once again, I retreated to search my own soul, my own self

And the monster returned

I don’t know what I did. But he crossed the boundaries and entered my home. I can feel him now. I can feel him watching me from his black, cold eyes. I can feel him smiling that menacing smile as he knows I acknowledge his presence. When I sleep I can feel him staring from my back at the light issuing from my cellphone. I almost expect him to pass his triangular, pointed fingers over my face. I can see him sulking in the kitchen as I get up to drink water at midnight. I expect him to float and whisper in my ear… I am back Eustacia…back again  to take you away…

I clutch my amulet. The name of Almighty wrung around my neck. My dad gave me when he saw me terrified of myself one night. But it is something I have to overcome myself. He is waiting for something, the right time to pounce, the right time to quench his thirst, The chance he lost nine years ago..

I close my eyes and take a shuddering breath. He is still around in my house. He’ll disappear in the morning and I will feel the walls of my house free of some taut pressure. I surrender to my brain and I drift away. Waking up next day in a strangely lighter air.

But oh, the night will come again