Bait and Switch

I wonder if this sunshine could break me, as I lift my head and let it warm my face. The rays seem to hit a thin barrier and when I touch my face I feel as if a thin layer of skin is covering an eggshell underneath. Maybe I am a painting, an abstract construct even, a child’s art project. Could this light get so strong and break my face? Would then this covering of skin stay? Or would it collapse within itself, into a crumpled heap of eyes, lips and nose? Or would it shatter too, dehydrated by the heat? Turn into dust and blow away? What would remain then. A headless anomaly seaping into the cement floor?

Will this sun do what every aspect of love and warmth has ever done to me?

Bait and switch?

Elastic Heart

Every few weeks, usually after when I deal with over 200 patients in a single day or over two days the utmost, a certain piece of my machinery breaks. Around patient number 152 I can feel the blow jogging that piece out of place and around the 167th patient, I can hear it hanging by a thread and then soon by patient number 198..I hear a pop as it flies out and I know I have broken down. I see two more people and run outside as fast as I can, holding myself together so I could glue another piece in. If I get so lucky to find it.
I don’t, usually.

This morning, around 3:35 in the morning..I felt my back break. The entire week came crashing at me. All my emotions, all my buried baggage came spilling out as I sobbed on the deserted footsteps of the casualty operation theater. I wanted to leave. I wanted to run away. I wanted to dig a hole in the very cold marble I sat on and disappear for a while. My shoulders shook with all that was pent up within me as it just poured and poured and poured. And then the wind started to blow. And a dust storm rose, stinging my swollen eyes and settling upon all my wounds.

Right then, someone tapped at my shoulder and I looked up. It was my patient with acute exacerbation of asthma I had managed an hour ago. He had tracked me down to the last place I could be and wanted me to recheck him so he could go home. And perhaps, would I be so kind to check his mother’s blood pressure?

Of course. I’d be right down.

The patient left and I slowly walked down the stairs back to meet my colleague who had been covering for me for the last 10 minutes. Feeling started to return to my numb toes and dust ridden eyes as I sat down to check patient number 201, smiling and making small talk. I could feel the glue drying up and the machine whirring.
Come at me, now, oh dear pain.

 

I got stamina.

Better left unsaid, better left unfelt

up in the air

I spent an hour writing..everything. Pouring my anger into my laptop and editing it and constructing all those sentences and blah blah blah blah and a second before I was going to hit send.. I just stopped. Not today. Not now.

Have you ever felt so consumed with anger and hatred and total helplessness that your hands tremble and your eyes blur? The bad part is..that like before..it doesn’t pass ! It stays ! Boring deep into you and threatening to reach the core and blast you to pieces, or it stays like a burning ulcer which you know will remain for a long time

And the night comes and you sleep, and when you wake up in the morning..it’s still not gone. That taste of venom and acid is still in your mouth..

It’s a first for me. The other day my friend said that my anger lasted twenty minutes, that when I wake up, I forget the very name of the person I had a quarrel with. And it is true. But this morning when I woke up, it didn’t feel that way. I wanted to hurt and claw at someone. Just so the fire would go. But it stayed, the entire morning, the entire noon and part of the evening

And then I saw the face of the person I was angry at. And then I saw that face for good ten minutes in my head..and suddenly it all went away. The burn, the fire. It just isn’t worth it. Normally I give up at these things because I do not have the stamina nor the time to hold grudges or fight with people anymore. But this time I let a thing go because I had lost all the feelings of friendship I ever had, all the concern from my heart. Why do we feel hurt? Because we care. Indifference is the worse form of hatred for me. I’d rather fight all day with a friend than feel nothing at all. And how sad it is ! But we all have it coming to us. There is a limit to which a person can be pushed. Once, twice, thrice..so many times

And now as I read again the thing I was going to post earlier, I burst out laughing. Oh come on ! Grow up! Life’s too short to waste on people who don’t matter and things that don’t count ! We all know that yet we insist on indulging in all the crap in the world. *groan*

I have a research paper to write, a room to clean, a mother to call, a friend to bark on, a book to read, a party to attend and a big exam to prepare for.

Backstabbers don’t get a share in my life for today

And as for tomorrow..

Oye vey..

flying with happiness

Curses bring the worlds down

I tell you it ain’t easy as it sounds
To pack your feelings and turn around
First its just bad pain
A hard blow
Lots of tears and hurt
A poison spreading slow
Then the time passes
Cruelly ticking on
Venom reaches your heart
Poor thing long gone
So I pack my stuff and leave town
and sigh as you shut me away
I won’t talk if you ask me to
But there’s one thing I say
You broke it once you broke it twice
This time fear the poison heart’s vice 
It might be not as easy as it sounds
But Honey
Curses have brought worlds down..
 
 
Black eye
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

I am an Hsp (yeah, google it)

Hypocrite

I am sitting in front of my cooler in my tiny room, I have the same heart I’ve had, the same feelings, the same attitude. No matter how much I try to change, at the end of the day it’s all the same. Except the intensity has changed. Dislike, hate, go away. Love, test, a hundred chances, over.

Everything is damn fast, man. We don’t wait or absorb a single thing. The moment I start talking about something everyone comes up with their story and I shut up half way through. It’s not always the secrets and the feelings one shares. You start talking about a dream you had last night and before you get to the end people around you have told fifty thousand of their own, so I just shut up and be the person I am good at being. Listen and nod and make a few comments. Yeah I give good advice by the way.. I know friendship is not a game, it’s not a you say I listen I listen you say tv show. But it’s not a joke either..

It’s the same with picking at each other, say one thing and the other returns the favour by adding a jillion spices of their own. Not caring we are friends not foes.. oh I gotta say what I gotta say. 

It’s the same, like watching a friend treat you so low. Like one in the crowd. Hell I treat strangers better. But that sting you feel when the things your friend shares with you are not the special things anymore. It’s already on the media. God, When did I get so stupid..

But it’s okay. Life is crazy. I like my problems. I even like the people who created them. But there is one little thing I let afloat tonight.. If you can’t hold on to me.. if you can’t be there for me.. if you can’t take it all the way.. don’t call me your best friend..don’t even try to be my friend..and stay the heck away from me..

Just stay the heck away from me..

Hypocrisy

“Man is least himself when he talks in his own person. Give him a mask, and he will tell you the truth.”

walk away on sand

The boy’s gone. The boy’s gone home.

It’s a tree trunk. It’s a cut down tree trunk. It was planted by my grandma, and then two more  grew on its side. Grandma died when I was 9. Few years back they cut one tree that the storm killed. Then they cut another. And now they finally cut the main trunk as the roots were tampering with God knows what.

What will happen to a face in the crowd when it finally gets too crowded.
And will happen to the origins of sound after all the sounds have sounded
Well I hope I never have to see that day but by god I know it’s headed our way
So I better be happy now that the boy’s going home. The boy’s gone home.

And I am sitting on it, the wind is raging around me, ruffling my hair, blowing through me. I have met a lot of winds before this day. I will meet a lot afterwards. But they never stop to amaze me. They never will stop to make me think and think so deep that my feet give way. I can feel her on my face. Hard cold slaps. Once. Twice. And again.

And what becomes of a day for those who rage against it
And who will sum op the phrase for all left standing around in it

I know not the heart I have. I know not of the heart left in me. I do not know when it all started. When my imagination became my reality and when my reality turned virtual. When the solids around me went up in smoke and the air and the winds materialized around me. I do not know when it all started. I do not know what this wind wants from me now

Well I suppose we’ll all make our judgement call
We’ll walk it alone, stand up tall, then march to the fall 
So we better be happy now that we’ll all go home

I am tired. Tired to be the person I am. Tired to change into someone else. Tired to believe in things that don’t exist and feelings that don’t hold. Tired of trusting. God I am so tired of hope itself

Be so happy with the way you are
Be so happy that you made it this far
Go on be happy now. Please be happy now

Tell me what heart do I have? I wish it was big enough to engulf all the misery and anger and pain, make it disappear. Be lost into some pit and be lost forever. All it takes is a gust of wind. A broken tree trunk. And a bad word, to bring everything bubbling to the surface

But it won’t come up again. The thoughts the feelings. The trust and the depth of love. The very hope in some distant savior turned to dust and the very wind that held on to me so long is taking all those feelings away. Maybe it’s time. To stop walking with the figment of your imagination. Stop talking to friends that are not material. Because if being virtual is your truth, then better walk away from the actual. From the solid. Their reality is much perfect without. Without you

I tried to live my life and live it so well
But when it’s all over is it heaven or is it hell
I better be happy now that no one can tell, nobody knows
I’m gonna be happy with the way that I am
I’m gonna be happy with all that I stand for
I’m gonna be happy now because the boy’s going home.

The boy’s gone home.

sparrow and tree
(Lyrics: Jason Mraz’s Boy’s Gone and Title: Oscar Wilde)

 

 

Never knew my heart was attached to wires

It felt as if someone ripped my heart out and left the wires hanging in there. I could feel the electricity crackling as the pain spread through my arm to my back, pinning me onto the bed. I wish I could scream. I wish I could tear away the pain but it spread everywhere. It blurred my eyes and numbed my brain. There are painkillers in the cupboard I won’t go for. I need to feel this agony, I need this torment to make me realize that I will have to accept the end of fate. The end of life and love as I know it.

My shoulder blades seared and I could feel the heat travelling through my body. Minute by minute my life ends and God it feels as if the end is so near.

You know they say we hurt most the ones we love??

Yeah..it works both ways..

Lingering grief

It’s like two people talking across the oceans. I am sitting on one shore he’s on the other. We lie on the sands and talk, so far away, but don’t cross the waters. This is not because we can’t.. it’s just because we don’t want to. We watch the sun going down and silence etching like shards of crystalline ice as the sands turn cold..

It’s a sad thing. The feeling of lingering grief. That melancholy is in the air because ..you know.. maybe the last boat we so knowingly missed.. was the last one that might ever leave…

boat and night

There are always those people..

 

This is just something I think all the time, and its late and heart feels heavy as I nearly broke my hip, slipping over wet tiles. Oh great life

There are always some people, you know, will never turn their back on you. I am not talking about parents here. Okay. I mean whatever, you know they will be with you no matter what the world might turn into. Why? You just know that. Maybe they said that to you, in one careless moment when they did not know that themselves. They meant it then. Then time went on. We all meet people. Sands of the new roads make our promises dusty and before you know.. they leave you.. hanging there. You are caught up in that old promise and perhaps they made better ones with someone else. Or maybe things just change.. for no reason. Just because of the clock alone ticking away on your wall.

It’s just.. life changes after the very people you love just…no longer care for you anymore. Your perceptions change, the very way you view relations and friendship changes. Then no matter what you do.. they won’t come back. In the time you were making up your mind you lose so much. Yes the sun will rise. Yes we all go on. Yes we find new smiles. Life never stops. But the dead haunt you.. haunt you forever

Is it worth it? Breaking a friend’s heart just because you have a better life now? Just because your life is complete and you think that wallflower is no longer needed you just throw her out? Or keep pushing her away until one day she just disappears from your world entirely?

…You must have a great conscience, love.

May and Anna: A friend in need

Anna, hey alright I am going to sleep now, after you are done with the assignment switch the lights off and plug my cellphone out of charging, okay?

Will do

May pushes all her scattered books to one side of the bed and pulls over the blanket. I look at the book in my hands, and pretend to read it again. Words seems to be in some other script, language so vague and foreign. I don’t understand any of it. My face has started to burn and my breath is coming on shallow, sometimes the heart takes over my mind and my stupid mind never argues, nor resists. I don’t want to breakdown in front of my friend. I don’t want this emotional display to raise so many questions and sympathy. They all think I have stashed my heart in a sack somewhere. I let them think that. And I like it. That is the me they know and the me I have made myself into for them. I don’t want that to change.

I can’t control myself anymore, I scramble out of my bed and hastily make out the door. Everyone is studying everywhere. And everybody knows me in this storey. I don’t know where to go.

I reach for the staircase, taking each step in unknown hurry. I walk into an unknown dark corridor with wired windows looking outside into the roads and other buildings. I need air. I need to walk. Where people who don’t know me and won’t question as they pass by.

I want to tear my hair and vomit. I need to release all this tension building up in my head, Why do I make exceptions in my life, why do I tell them my dreams, why do I laugh that unguarded laughter, why do I open up to them. Why is my life such a damned mathematical formula that unbalances itself the moment I have peace. Why why why why…Why do I make those darned exceptions…

I pace, fast and slow until my frustration and utter anger passes. I feel weak and hungry. I slowly walk back, down the stairs, down the corridors and into my room. Unplug May’s phone and place it next to her pillow. I pick up my books and arrange them neatly on the table. Make my bed and switch the lights off. Curl in my bed and try not to think. May rustles and I see her tiny hand poking under my quilt. I take it in mine and she squeezes it. A few tears leak and I breathe in a sigh.

He lost you, Anna.. Didn’t he?

I squeeze back her hand gently and smile

Didn’t we all…