I met a girl who sang the blues.. and I asked her for some happy news..she just smiled and turned away

blue flower

For how long can you talk about the same thing, for how long can you pour yourself out? The insides are gonna run dry one day. And if the pain and anger stops feeding you, you will shrivel up. If you are filled with some other thing this time,only happiness and peace, the same puncture holes aren’t big enough now. There will be no breaths to come, or you will no longer be able to so take them in. Either way, it’s pretty much over

Is it over for me? Was it the anger, the pain, the sheer illusions that made me write? Made me breathe? Made me something different from so many I have met or avoid meeting over the years. Have I run dry? Or is it the continued happiness? The peace, the  prolonged absence of that lingering pain? End of the struggle, or mere acceptance of the defeat?

Its, different..different to be standing, standing knee-deep in a small pond of stagnant water after being sea sick on a boat for so long. Yes, the vomiting stops and you feel fine for a while..but after that…it’s just..too silent. Too green, too peaceful..and too still

Man, it’s too still

still pond

 

(Title: American Pie by Don Mclean)

This big heart is such a small organ

Dead leaf

I cannot tell you what it feels like. You know it, deep down and up above. The bittersweet happiness pressing upon your heart and soul. You just feel it. It’s right there. Fluttering beats and the soft light. 

Sit in the corner of a room, illuminated by the dim light of dusk out the window. It’s gonna be dark soon. Sit in that small place between the fridge and the cupboard and hug your legs, pressing them to your chest. Closer to the scared fluttering. You can hear your friends outside, laughing and shouting and you feel that jagged rhythm in your chest again. It’s bitter. The voice of the past. And it’s so soft, the whisper you hear now.

Is it the fear of happiness? Is it the scare of pain again? What is it, pressing on you so lightly, what is it, calling you so softly? 

I cannot tell you, for I may never have them words, But I know you know it

There deep down and so up above. 

I can’t title it, man

Rosy world

You have no idea of the happiness in my heart, you have no idea how fragile this part of me is, how it explodes with a little amount of energy in it, how this body is a huge sink for energies. I absorb it all. Anger sadness happiness joy. And sharing all that laughter with my friends and licking that ice cream bar and all sorts of great memories clashing in my brain.. you have no idea of the light I hold within

And I am skipping. Flying with the beautiful winds, racing in the blue college bus. It’s just that true simple smile. It is just that beautiful true company, it is just people helping each other out, that’s what a conversation does to me, that is what having friends brings to me. As for now I can feel a bubble of light pulsating where my heart used to be. I sure lost it to waves ages ago, but the love I hold in that place right now… I need no pumping organ holding that symbolic essence anymore. Give me a true smile, a true gesture, a genuine conversation and true laughter, and I would heal all that ails you.

These small things just make me get up every morning and go out in the crowd. I don’t know if anyone out there considers me as a true deep friend, or whether I hold that special place in the heart or not.. they laugh at my jokes.

And I can live with spreading smiles..

College, oh my college =P

Woman reading

It’s a small quiet room it’s a small quiet place. I feel good. And deep. I came back in here after a long tour across the whole building. Said hello hi to all my mates. Cracked some jokes talked some more and back to the old shack we come..

What shall I do now.. read a book? Study? Sketch? Write? Or just lie down and sleep early tonight. I met such a nice humble person today and it feels so nice. I am attracted and pulled towards people with stable energies like you wouldn’t believe. I can’t make friends and be at peace with them if the energies don’t match.. Okay.. I am rambling..

So sitting in the auditorium with tens of people walking around, all hopped up on the coming week filled with fun at college. We get only one week and it is a blast every year. Every one is doing something.. painting.. acting.. singing.. playing basketballbaseballvolleyballtennisbadmintonnetballchessdarts.. And all the literary stuff is also going on. Someone is writing poems someone is jotting down essays.. even the Urdu people are going on with the fun you wouldn’t believe.. but I am better suited with the good old English ey. And I am nothing like the jumpy thing I was at school poking my nose in everything I can lay my hands on (lol) Anyways this place just is everything except a medical college right now.. And the energy is contagious!

Anyways. I better read a book now aye, my roomie is nowhere to be seen

Dracula, here I come =P

bram-stokers-dracula

Happy Ramadan !

It’s here ! The blessed month of fasting !

Oh Allah, I promise I will try my level to be good and pious. Pray with my whole heart and let go of all you forbid from. Please grant me the power to shun all the bad deeds. May I hurt no one, may I say no bad word to anyone. May I don’t backbite. May I don’t even think bad about anyone. May I be even humble and be even forgiving (which, believe me, is not my speciality). Please help me watch my temper (because Mom has to deal with it, and I end up hurting her) Please Allah ! Wash away each and every of my sins by the end of this holy month. And may this month leave something so great in my soul. 

And please, help us all, by the blessings of this month, please help all the Muslims being martyred around the world. And protect us from those who befoul the religion under false pretence, from those who use the name of the religion to carry on their hideous deeds. Bring peace to all of us.

Plus, help me survive by dusk, It’s too hot you know.. =D

Love you Allah ! Keep watching over me !

Happy Ramadan, guys and grandpas !

 

Positive changes? I love thou

Well, I was kind of reflecting.

That’s right, I do that

So, I was sitting back, on my creaking maroon chair, and looking around my room. Listening to the voices issuing from the tv in the hall. I found a lot about myself. And I feel.. cool

Living for more than a year in the city, I developed this habit which is sticking to me pretty hard. Like it’s tattooed in my persona, I cannot take things in bulk anymore! In the city, because it was a temporary shift, we took a quarter of our stuff, Less furniture, less utensils, less cutlery lol, we didn’t even take our microwave! All my time there, I used to complain about it. I used to crack the hell out when I wanted to eat my ice cream in my own cool bowl but Mom didn’t bring it because it was WAY too expensive and she didn’t wanna damage it during the moving, same goes for my library and dressing table

I lived a whole year and a half with scanty stuff, compromising when I couldn’t find things because we left it HOME. Now I am back and all the bulk suffocates me!

I LOVE carpets, but we dint have them in the city, now my room bites me. I slept on a single bed or in my tiny room, on a mattress on the floor. I loved that. Now my medium-sized bed looks HUGE. I used to have a few dresses in my closet, now the store-room HAULS me out if I ever step there. Used to have a single bottle of shampoo, conditioner, moisturizer on my table, nothing in the cupboard. Now the load we have there, I honestly want to run away

Even food. I got used to of eating cold food because Mom won’t risk bringing her Oven, Now when I eat last night’s sandwich so hot and tasty, I feel so awkward

I feel so awkward around myself at home. With so many rooms, such a cool kitchen, and spacey bathrooms on top of everything, Our stores are loaded with old stuff, out of season clothes and blankets. Decoration pieces. THEY BITE ME

I mean, a big house is good, I thank Allah. I thank Him for everything. But I thank Him for putting this thing in me. I want a lot of stuff (electronics yeah) but it is an awful mess when I have to clean my room now. I mean, I never knew I owned so much. But it is good to be a minimalist lol. I can give things to people who require them and still not feel bad =)

You know, I hear Mom pray after prayer to God, when she thinks I am asleep you know, that God, make my daughter strong, make her heart and soul pure, make her a good human, make her know the difference between the good and the bad, don’t let her stray, look after her, and may she never get materialistic, may she never have the love for the material, make her love You, make her love her religion, make her a good Muslim, help her abide Your rules….

It’s pretty long, I turned over so she lowers her voice, didn’t wanna spy her praying. Wish she had a better life. But I know Allah loves her, gives her all she asks for. Dad loves her. I love her. And Allah listens to her.

See? I know why I am a good person =D And as per my best friend, I should be proud of it! Lack of modesty? Get outta here…

(Twenty Minutes later when I read it, I swore the world was ending soon)

I Could give it All to Time

I’ve said once. I’ve said it a hundred times. Nothing clears your head like cool or cold pure wind. Nothing boosts you up like a hearty breakfast. Nothing gets you going like a hot cup of tea. Nothing frees you like home-alone. Nothing soothes your soul like the smell of woodfire…

And what if you get all of it in a single day? I sit disgruntled. Angry at some so-and-so stuff. Nerves taut. Suddenly The wind is out there. Someone has started woodfire to cook-or-what next door. I had the best breakfast and the most awesome cup of tea today. And yeah.. I’m all alone at home.

So I slump on the couch and absorb the surroundings.

Today’s to being normal..
Happy. Aye =)

(Title : Poem by Robert Frost)

The Vagabond

It feels so smooth. It feels so cool. Just like walking on an empty road in the evening. Moving slowly. No hurry. No worries. The night is going to come, the Sun is gonna sink.. But doesn’t it do so every day? This is something that happens and has been happening ever-since. The Sun comes out… watches us the whole day.. shines the whole time praying someone might take up the light and find the right path and eventually it sighs.. gives up from our side and gives way to the stars, to the moon to try. Sometimes darkness and depravity teach us something light fails to do so. Borrowing light from the Sun, The moon tries its level best. But the moon is not so colossal.. not so courageous… I see the moon to be shy and reserved. It comes and goes. And vanishes. But the stars they remain there, Far away. So far away..

But aren’t we the ones who move away? The moon, the stars, the sun- they all have been where they were since the creation… But we… we rotate and revolve… Going farther and further. But Lord made this world round.. And it all ends where it began.. and we fail to see it.. The circle of life.. we fail to observe and understand and alas. We fail in the same things our ancestors did. We come back to where it all started

I can only talk about myself. I only have the right to express myself. My face is cold and my hands are numb. The wind is chilling my lungs and in a few minutes my arms will give way. But I don’t care. I need not play any song.. something is slowly playing in my reverie. In my mind I am a traveler. With my heavy backpack and a thick cane I am moving slowly and gradually. In my mind I can picture a lonely road. And I love to sigh here. Because this is what I am. This is how I was born and left to grow up. If I want company I will have it here, But no, I am at peace with myself.

The song in my mind reaches to the point that makes me wonder about so many people. In my brain I can feel someone’s pain. I can feel the pang. There is someone out there. I can feel it. I can feel the fear eating him/her deep in. But I am not concentrating. I don’t want to put any pressure on myself, these poor half dead arms of mine. I am walking down the road. It is sundown. There is Sun at the end of the road.. but the more I walk towards it.. the more it moves away.. So I am going to just carry on walking slowly… It’ll all turn out to be right in the end.. The stars will be seen and I have memories with them =)

(Title : A poem by  R.L. Stevenson )